What's up with 5Th Grade Girls?!?!

Updated on October 26, 2010
N.A. asks from Palmyra, PA
24 answers

Does anyone else have ten year old daughters with issues at school with their friends? i just don't understand it, why are they friends one minute and then enemies the next. Why can't they just get along? why do they have to be so mean to each other. And it's like some of them don't have a mind of their own, they just follow the 'cool" one...like they are her mignons and even if they are friends of my daughter...they still will be mean to her if the "cool" girl tells them to.

I need ADVICE....similiar STORIES.....just to know I'm not alone here, that my daugther is not alone.

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answers from St. Louis on

I can't wait to read all of the responses. We have the exact same problem and I think it is just going to get worse with Jr. High.

Sorry I can't offer any advice just the thought that you are not the only person/family going through this.



answers from Minneapolis on

Don't you remember high school?

I'm sorry to be the barer of bad news but this pretty much continues all through elementary school and into high school. It gets a little better in high school, but it's still pretty much like this.



answers from Minneapolis on

No, you are so not alone. 5th grade was very difficult for my older daughter. The queen bee in her school was nasty to everyone, yet all the girls flocked to be near her. And she took on the hobby of bashing my daughter's clothes and shoes. There were a couple of friends my daughter had been close to for years, that she has now moved on from permanently. Very sad, but much healthier for her to be out of such toxic relationships.

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answers from Little Rock on

Yes.... This is really happening EVERYWHERE & to ALL the GIRLS.....
It is sad that the parents of the "High and Mighties" don't do something about thier behavior. Some may not even know that it is happening. And some parents maybe the same way and or don't care or have "time" to care. Then that leaves all the other girls feeling awful about themselves. My oldest had a hard time w/ one girl in 5th. This girls was threating to beat the SH** out her if she didn't show any anger toward another students. My daughter said "WHY SHOULD I THAT IS SO STUPID" and laught in her face then walked a way. The next day one of her friends found a letter writen by this girls and it was "NASTY"!! I could not beleive what was writen and that it was coming from a 5th grader. I was really PEE OO'D. So I email the school and met w/ the counclor,principle and vice. I made sure that this child was going to be puniched for her action and her parents were call down to the school... I was not going to leave until I seen the whites of thier eyes. 4hours later the father arrived then the mother an hr. later. I told them exactly what she had been doing to my child as well as others. The father didn't seem to care all that much but the mother did. She was going to make sure that she would stop. The girl was put in ISS for 3days.. After that she was alot better and she stayed away from my daughter and her friends.
I didn't go down there to get the child in ISS.. But she needed to no that what she was doing was NOT RIGHT and that it was NOT GOING to be TALERATED. And she had to take responsiblity for her actions. Her mom agreed and so did the school.

So if things really get out hand I would contact the school and bring Everything to thier attendtion so that they can try to control it and her while she is in school. They not even have a clue that this is happening.
Our school didn't.
After all you are your child protecter and that is the only way I see it!!
I hope this helps you and stay strong and keep the little one safe.
Let us no what happens
C. C

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

First of all be there for her, but second.. stay out of it.. Do not get dragged into 5th grade girl drama..

Listen to what your daughter tells you. Use one for each incident..
Ask her things like ~ "Why do you think she said that?"
"What do you think about how they acted?"
"What would you have done in this situation?"
"What do you think she should have done in this situation?"

Give her basic suggestions. Pick one at a time...
"Just stay away from her."
"Do not get in the middle of their problems."
"A good friend would not act like that."
"Be nice to everyone."
"Ignore then."
"Is that how you act?"

Repeat above..

I know it is hard, but this is what girls do. I hate it too, we all know it is a waste of their time, but they need to learn to fight their own battles, or even better, to stay out of them. I know grown women that still act like this, but I know even more that learned a long time ago, it is all a big waste of energy and as long as we treat others the way we want to be treated, we will be fine.

Teach your daughter to be proud of who SHE is. Remind her everybody is their own person and this is a GOOD thing. Also remind her people that stand by and let others pick, shun or bully others, are just as guilty as the person causing all of this drama."

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Speaking from an evolutionary standpoint, cavemen lived in a clique-society for survival, the bullies were usually the ones that could keep everyone fed and safe. Later it developed into tribes with the leaders still being self appointed and everyone falling in line or getting ostracized for the good of the tribe. All children's developmental stages seem to mimic evolution and it is natural for girls, and boys to go through this.

That being said:

You need to clique-proof your daughter NOW! Before it gets to middle school. I even knew a few girls in high school that couldn't break out of this mentality and it has stood in their way their entire lives...
A couple books that you can read and talk to your daughter about are:

The Care and Keeping of Your Emotions
Cliques, Phonies, and Other Baloney

They are focused towards girls, although my 8 year old son was having trouble with his mostly girl class at after school care so he read them and it gave him a lot to think about. He then brought the books to daycare and gave them to the girls he thought needed them the most. It took about 3 weeks but the books circulated through the whole class and Charlie says he class is much more fun now without all the needless drama.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

I went through that at school back in the 70s-80s. My girls have gone through that too. It's most annoying!! I just encourage my girls and let her know that she did nothing wrong. Girls are mean. They are immature! A mature child would be a good friend. I also encourage my girls to walk away when they're acting immature and to be a good friend to others. Stay away from the mean ones and find the kids who are nice. Good luck to you!!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Orlando on

Sigh...prepare yourself, this is just the beginning....middle school gets far worse :-(

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

No you are not i just got off the phone with the school concelor! I printed and aricle on this web site about popularity and made my daughter read it, we just try to tech her how to be a leader (a good one) you can teach them the way that they should go and pray they walk the path. We are teaching her how to handle situations when they come up and just being upfront and center at that school as much as possible. I FEEL YA!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

I teach 4th and 5th grade (currently on maternity leave). It has happened at all 3 schools where I taught, it is hormonal and developmental. They are learning how to find their way and it happens earlier with girls than with boys.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Ugh...the life of a girl. I'm a 30 year old now but I remember growing up. It doesn't matter if you're in the cool crowd or not, girls are girls and for some reason, that means being catty and fighting with your friends. Every circle of girlfriends, no matter what status you are, goes through this and unfortunately, it only continues on through high school. My mom used to tell me that one day I would realize that these fights are petty (which I do) and that eventually I will weed out who are my real friends are (Which, I think I finally have, lol). But of course, anything she said I still didn't understand or appreciate until later in life. Just tell your daughter that ALL girls go through this, no matter if they are "cool" or not.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

Look, their hormones are revving up and their behaviors are all over the map, and unfortunately this lasts for years while the brain and body develop. Continue to be ever present in her life so she does not become a victim of bullying. B/c constant harrassment will erode her self esteem. DITTO's to Laurie A's questions.

Do you have time to read? If so, I highly recommend a couple of books that you read WITH you daughter, or you read and recap with her for her benefit. And Amazon will recommend even more.

#1 - Girl Wars: 12 Strategies That Will End Female Bullying
#2 - Reviving Ophelia - this was one of the 1st books of it's kind on the market back in the 80's I think regarding girl cliques...

Happy parenting!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Salt Lake City on

You are definitely not alone. Just keep telling your daughter she is an individual and she doesn't need to follow the crowd. I think 6th grade was worse.
My daughter started middle school this year and has made a new set of friends.There are definitely clicks and groups of girls hanging together, but so far she seems to be handling it all well. She doesn't do many classes with her friends from Elementary. One of her best friends was so mean to her last year for a couple of weeks. I found it very hard to sit back and watch her upset but I had to, she didn't want me to do anything, her friend apologized to her eventually said it was an "emotional time for her"! All I can say is don't go fighting her battles. I've seen another mom do that and the kid came off worse for that.
If you haven't got them American Girl have a couple of books, A smart Girl's Guide to Friendship Troubles and The Feelings Book are good to read.Hang in there, it is tough for both of you. Just keep talking to her, give her a shoulder to cry on and tell her you love her, that alone will help her through the tough times. Good Luck

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Antonio on

Your lucky my daughters 6 and its been that way since Kindergarten! I don't remember it being so hard in Elementary.

They pick on her for her hair, her clothes, what she says, etc. Sometimes they're her bestfriend and sometimes they tell her they want to be so-and-sos friend and not hers. She would come home crying on monday because "kaylie" wasn't her friend and told her she never wanted to play with her anymore, then friday ask if she could spend the night. There were some girls that would call her fat or hit her and I eventually told her she wasn't allowed to talk to some of them because of the things they said and did. They would make her cry then say sorry and she would tell them it was okay!

Idk what I'm going to do when my daughter gets older and it gets harder to tell her not to be friends with someone but for now I just try to give her values and hope thats enough.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

I remember being that age and being so excited when the cool girls decided I was "in". I was out just as fast when I refused to stop talking to two of my close friends that were considered geeky. But it can be hard for a child of that age to stick by those morals, fitting in is so important. Just teach your daughter to be strong in herself and pay attention to who her real friends are, even if those friends are not the so called cool kids.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on

N., when I was in 10th grade, a girl in my class tried to knock me off the uneven parallel bars in PE. The teacher turned around just in time to see her, and had her suspended for a few days. She never bothered me again. She also got caught our senior year stealing while on our senior field trip. I thought she would end up in a really bad life situation later on.

Fast forward 30 years and her mother started helping someone in my family. I asked about her, and omg, she is a 4th grade teacher now. She came over to pick her mom up while I was there, and I got to talk to her. I hugged her so that she knew that I forgave her. I don't believe for a moment that she doesn't remember what she did.

I guess the point to the story is that you can explain to your daughter that sometimes the people who are mean to us finally do learn their lesson. All of us have done things in our time on this earth we aren't proud of, so the best thing we can do is try to be the best we can be, but never let someone bully us without telling on them. I made sure I told the PE teacher the other things the girl had done, so she had the history leading up to that PE day. Your daughter can do the same thing. Girls being mean to each other vacillates between ugly friendship and bullying. Not just "taking it" can help the bully to learn a lesson.

All my best,

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

My daughter is a sophomore in high school now, but I remember 5th grade, I went through some stuff around that age and I talked to my daughter very early on about that.
I said, girls can be very mean and clicky and don't be surprised ,if all of a sudden your friends are changing....
It doesn't feel good, AT ALL . So be sure to be nice to everybody and don't take being popular so important.Popular doesn't mean to be mean and hang out with "cool" kids, it means being liked, because of you being nice.... and just a good person.....
And she did get dumped by her best friend for a while, she went with the popular kids, and my daughter did fine, she made new friends in the meantime, and later her very good friend missed my daughters self confidence and all, they are still best friends today.....
Important is talking with your child and aknowledging, it is hard when this is happening......

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Bakersfield on

It's a world full of biatches that's for sure. It's always been that way. Like you said, "friends one minute, enemies the next"... I so remember that dynamic at that age. Whenever 3 girls are together at the same time one always ends up being the odd man out and gets picked on or treated shabbily. It's not really anything for mom to get involved in, girls manage to work these things out on their own. This is how they learn to discern character and who they really trust to be best friends with. Best friends hurt each other more than anyone else can. As they get older and usually by High School, they figure out who they want to put trust in... and even then we get screwed over or screw another friend over by things like "letting a secret slip" or something like that. Unfortunately its normal behavior that is preparing you to deal with difficult people when you get older. All you can do from home is make sure you daughter has her own good self esteem and she wont allow others to treat her badly as she gets older and stronger within herself. Knowing that everyone is not always going to like you or be nice to you is a good lesson to teach at a young age. Growing up trying to be a people pleaser is very stressful.... do your best to steer her away from being that.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

You and your daughter are NOT ALONE.

My daughter is 16, rest assured....it does get better.

I learned to never say anything negative about someone because the next second that girl who hurt my baby so badly could be her best friend the next second.

Just be there to listen to your daughter and let her know you have her back no matter what.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Johnstown on

Ours started here w/ our 9 yr old this year, and she's only in 4th grade. It's something with the whole middle school atmosphere. Personally, mine won't be out of this phase soon enough!



answers from San Diego on

Hi N., TV, MUSIC, who know's, it's like this is my daycare little girls kindergarten class, I'm like Really? the best you can do is be there for your daughter, and teacher her how to be strong and condfident, so she's not so harmed by these things, thats what i did with my daughter (now 21) when she got into middle school it was over, I think this is mostly an elementry school thing, power struggles, imaturirty etc. Hope this helps. J.



answers from Boise on

That used to be me! I had very few friends in a small school. I would think I had a friend, but she was just being nice to then be mean because the "cool" girl told her to. They would say that a boy liked me, just to get me to admit that I might like him and then either tell me that he didn't like me to make me feel bad, or tell EVERYONE that I liked X. I wish I had enough confidence back then to stand up for myself, or to know that they were doing it because I had the best grades in the class. I wish that I knew, that if I didn't rise to their taunting, that I could have avoided some horrible days. And I really wish I could trust someone now that is being nice to me and not wonder what they really are up to.



answers from Los Angeles on

I literally just read last week that school bullying peaks at 5th grade and girls are worse than boys. When I remember back to my school days, 5th grade WAS the worst. Hang in there ... I have a kindergartner daughter and she's already revealed some bullying scenarios w/ her friends at school. Unbelievable...

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