What the Heck? - EDITED to ADD ORIGINAL QUESTION

Updated on January 30, 2011
K.U. asks from Detroit, MI
14 answers

OK, I just posted a question about raising daughters - and it was written AS A QUESTION and meant to be thought-provoking and I was seeking other people's answers. And yet now it is GONE! What is up with that????

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So What Happened?

Thanks everyone who replied - this was the original post. It IS annoying, especially when I reply to a post and I am curious to see what other answers are posted and find out it was yanked (even when it is truly seeking advice). And yet one can post "Just For Fun" topics and those don't get yanked at all!

Request:

Daughters being "princesses" vs. "tomboys"

I don't know if this is really a question per se, or I'm just looking for others
opinions and thoughts. Another mom posted this link, in response to the
question about 7 year olds getting acrylic nails and watching PG-13 movies:

http://www.redbookmag.com/kids-family/advice/sexualizatio...

And I read it and it got me thinking...if girls are into playing "princess" and
playing with Barbies and being "girly-girls", how much is their innate nature,
and how much of it comes from us?

Because my daughter is 3, and she could care less about anything "Princess" or
playing with dolls. Her favorite toys are building blocks - wooden ones, Legos,
you name it. She loves to put them together to make different structures, knock
them over, and start again. She also loves doing anything with balls - tossing
a football, kicking a soccer ball, hitting a plastic baseball off a tee. The
other day she was knocking a small Nerf ball around the floor with a wooden
spoon, pretending she was playing hockey. And she loves building forts out of
blankets and pillows. She always seemed to prefer these types of activities
(along with art materials, like crayons and play-doh) over dolls and dress-up.
But I have also been the parent from the beginning who was buying her blocks and
puzzles because A) I felt they were going to be better for her in the long run
and B) I was more of a tomboy myself growing up and playing with Barbies was
never something I really related to. Wh!
en I was pregnant and knew we were having a girl and I was picking out stuff
for her room, I stayed away from all things "Princess".

At Christmas time, some of the presents I got included a Lego table that she
could play Legos on, along with another set of blocks that were different from
the ones she had already, a play tent, a fort-building kit, watercolor paints,
and more Play-Doh. She loved all of it. My husband, on the other hand, thought
it was cute to get a Disney princess dress-up kit, with different gowns and
matching shoes and accessories. She has yet to open it up - she has no interest
in it whatsoever. She does have a play kitchen and a dollhouse, and plays with
those sometimes, but not much. DH asked me why I got her yet another block set
and I told him, "That's what she likes! Haven't you ever noticed that?" It
would be one thing if she WANTED the princess gowns and the Barbie dolls and
kept asking and begging for them - but she doesn't. They don't seem to be on
her radar and I wonder how much of that is because of me, and how much of it is
just what she naturally likes and doesn't l!
ike. And how much could be because she doesn't see many commercials for any
toys, because I limit her TV to channels without commercials, like PBS (she did
see a commercial once for a toy construction set that used fake wood that you
could still saw and hammer like real wood and she thought that was really cool).
She does do gymnastics classes as well as swim lessons, and she loves all of it.
And she does love wearing "pretty clothes" (the more colorful the better) and
having me put braids in her hair and sometimes putting polish on her toenails
after a bath, so it's not like she doesn't like any "girly" things at all. But
I admit, I secretly like it when DH asks her "Are you my princess?" and she
always replies, "I'm not a princess! That's silly! I'm just Addie!"

So I am just curious here to see what people think - how much of it is just her
being her, and how much of it could be because of me? Or a little bit of both?

EDITED TO ADD: I am very much a "no frills" mom - I like to dress up when the
occasion calls for it, I have some cool funky jewelry, but I don't do make up,
and my hair is quite short. As for TV, DD loves both Dora and Diego, as well as
Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Curious George, and most of the things on Nick Jr. Her
favorite books include ones by Dr. Suess, Todd Parr, and Eric Carle.

Featured Answers

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K.A.

answers from Little Rock on

I just contacted the coordinator and put in a suggestion that the site be set up so that system pulled questions are quarantined until a real person can look them over and decide whether or not there is an actual problem with the question. They can then decide whether to delete it permanently or mark it as OK in the system and put it back in circulation.

Maybe if enough people contact the admin and make similar suggestions, they might be more willing to try to come up with a workable solution.

3 moms found this helpful

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R.J.

answers from Seattle on

SO glad you reposted!

Oh boy... I can give you the results from countless studies from around the world:

Girly girls are born. These are the girls who when given firetrucks, balls, etc instead of playing with them as they are "intended" to play with INSTEAD there's the mommy firetruck, daddy firetruck, baby firetruck. They must be washed and dressed up and have complex relationships with each other... balls are dressed up in baby gowns made out of pillow sheets, or given wigs of grass, blocks make enclosures / houses/ and other 2 dimensional spiral type shapes, etc.

Tom-boys are born. Their barbies climb trees, blow things up, get stripped of their clothes and never redressed (or are redressed as mummies, vampires, sports stars, racecar drivers). Toy makeup gets used to make graffitti on walls, dresses come home torn and dirty as do PANTIES because they're rough and tumble playing in the dirt, sliding on the grass, hanging upside down on the monkey bars -and getting reprimanded for it-, throwing fits about wearing clothes they get in trouble for playing in (see above), when given another child and a stack of dolls end up playing catch with the dolls, or wrestling with the other child the dolls left behind. Given blocks to play with, tomboys tend to build straight UP or "out" in either case going for distance rather then "enclosure".

That NEITHER being a girly girl nor a tomboy is indicative of sexual orientation. Each are *equally* likely to be straight, bi, or gay.

That MOST girls are neither tomboys NOR girly girls. Most fall somewhere in between closer to one side of the spectrum than the other. There is NOTHING that the parent of a girly girl nor a tomboy can do to alter their child's natural inclination. Many parents try. In *most* cases, parents who tried very firmly to "force" their girly girl to be a tomboy, or tomboy to be a girly girl fought the battle for the child's ENTIRE LIFE. However, there is a lot of "middle ground". Girly girls who would shriek and cry and refuse to get out on the pitch/field in full blown tantrum over the idea of sweating or getting dirty WILL however quite joyfully take up very very physically active ballet or cheerleading. Tomboys who cut off doll's heads and ruined every dress that ever came their way WILL however be fantastic babysitters (esp active toddlers of either sex and rambunctious boys or multiples that drive everyone else nuts) often revel in spa days (particularly ones with massage and hot soaks), sewing their own clothes (sporty or rockerish clothes). ((ODDLY enough, just anecdotally, I know more tomboys who have a THING for lingerie... go figure. Girly and lacy and feminine... but only where no one will see it!!!))

The same, somewhat inverse, is true for boys. Some are rough and tumble "classic" boys (just like tomboys have "classic" boy behaviors), some are much more generative. And ditto for boys NEITHER is indicative of sexual orientation later on. (It's also indicative of our society that we don't really have a "word" for the percentage of boys who do things more typically feminine that *aren't* either sexually related or derogatory.) And ditto... most boys fall neither into the middle ground closer to one side or the other.

There've been tons of studies of early childhood behavior (the block thing is one of the coolest "unexpected" results, girls tend to build enclosures, boys tend to build up or out in both cases going for distance - like bridges), from EU studies done over generations with hundreds of thousands of subjects, to US studies that have only a few hundred subjects and are uber specific (like children never exposed to TV and only give the opposite sex's (can I put quotes around that possessive 's?) toys to see how they're played with, to kids leading normal lives given the opposite sex"'s" toys to play with.

4 moms found this helpful
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M.C.

answers from Washington DC on

the 'princess' vs 'tomboy' right? I just saw that like 5m ago. I didn't see anything wrong with it ... if they pulled it they'll send you an email with a reason.

3 moms found this helpful
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T.S.

answers from Sacramento on

Okay, it seems like this is happening a lot lately and surprising people... I think... perhaps people's definition of a question is a little looser than Mamapedia's.

I'm not saying one is RIGHT (and I didn't see your particular post before it was pulled), I just think I understand what is happening.

As best as I can tell, you aren't supposed to post hypotheticals, or general polls, or discussion starters... you are supposed to post questions seeking ADVICE from other moms.

So for example... "I'm really struggling with disciplining my 2 year old. He's wrecking the house and nothing I'm trying is working. I'm spanking him constantly and his behavior isn't improving. What else can I do? Ideas please." Would be okay. However "It seems like kids behavior is getting worse and worse each generation. I think lack of discipline is the issue. What do you all think?" Would not.

That's the best I can come up with.

HTH
T.

3 moms found this helpful
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R..

answers from Chattanooga on

Yeah... your email will have a copy of the post that got erased, so you can copy and paste... I had a couple questions pulled, and when I re-posted them they stayed.

2 moms found this helpful

K.M.

answers from Chicago on

it has been happening check your email to see why the admin took it down.

2 moms found this helpful
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F.W.

answers from Cumberland on

Post it again--I was just about to ask a question about raising 2 girls since I just found out our #2 is a girl too.:)

1 mom found this helpful
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K.I.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I think " princess " are born...I don't wear make up, I use to ride a motorcycle and I just to be a tomboy.....my oldest daughter is totally a princess and drama queen since she learn to walk and to point :pink is her favorite color, barbie princess movies and all kind of girly stuff always has been her first choice..now she's 7 and chez ! Always trying clothes and earings .....on the other part My 16 months old baby girl loves dora and Diego, racing cars and hates barbie movies.... either to say each one has their own personality and I don't think I have nothing do to with ...

1 mom found this helpful
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D.S.

answers from Houston on

someone yanked it and the questions getting yanked lately is getting riduculous. they are not offensive and not rude and not soliciting and not selling i dont know what is up I had one pulled earlier and one pulled earlier today was a bs pull too we need to start complaining to mama pedia about the cry babies control freaks that are on here and yanking questions for no reason.

repost it as needing advice even though you dont

I wrote you a 5 minute answer and it was yanked before I was done I am going to wait and see if this gets yanked before I answer it they are yanking alot lately its getting bad and stupid and childish there was nothing wrong with your question

bet me the crusty eye question and the teachers grading parents get yanked and both are reasonable questions :)

1 mom found this helpful
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R.K.

answers from Boston on

There was nothing wrong with your question but if people report it it gets yanked. Mayb when you answered someone roses question it rubbed them the wrong way o they reported yours....it seems that a lo of people on here have been acting very very very immature and childish. That is the only reason I can think of.
To answer your original question I think we are born with a lot of it. I have one niece that has loved hair bows, barretts, etc from the very beginning and I have one that refuses to wear them. Only a year old and you can already tell one of them is as girly as they come she loves babies, dress up, etc it's just who she is. Nothing was done different she was not surrounded by princess and pink most of her baby toys were hand me downs from her brothers.

1 mom found this helpful

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

grrrrrr. overzealous mods. grrrrrrr.
i think kids are born with natural inclinations, which then either get fostered or squelched by anxious parents. i'm often taken aback by how many parents still get squicked out if their little boys want to play house or dress up. societal trends and expectations also have influence, like those awful bratz dolls.
i don't think anyone will unravel just how much is nature and how much nurture, it probably varies from child to child and family to family. but i think one's innate inclinations play a bigger role than many previous generations believed.
khairete
S.

1 mom found this helpful
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M.R.

answers from Chicago on

Hi DVMMOM! Loved the question, great opportunity for people to really think.

At any rate, you may like two movies that discuss how gender is affected by media and culture. I show both of them in my class (I'm a high school teacher).

Tough Guise by Jackson Katz
Still Killing Us Softly 4 with Jean Kilbourne

You may be able to Google or YouTube them and watch snippets. I think you'll find them very interesting. They are not propaganda films, but more to encourage consumers to use a more discriminating lens and become more media literate.

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J.C.

answers from Rockford on

This is interesting. When I was a kid, I was the only girl in my class who wore pants! I also had barbies who had lots of haircuts and were launched into space on the barbie townhouse. I ran and played with boys all the time and never played house or with dolls. Then, when I became a teenager, I was the biggest girlie girl of all! I still have some traits of each. I am still into girlie things, but am really glad I had only boys because I did not want to play dolls and do hair and outfits, lol!

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J.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

i have a pageant girl :) she knows how to turn on the princess charm even at the age of 3. but when pageant time is done she is stripped out of her fancy clothes and wants a t shirt and jeans. she loves dirt and tonka trucks. she is also a girly girl and loves dressing up and playing with her ponies. i dont stereo type her into anything. she even has a pair of thomas the train jammies she picked out herself. i get her toys she likes. right now she is in a barbie and princess phase and also is loving fancy nancy right now. my personal thought is to go with what your child likes. if i had a son i would have no issue buying him a boy babydoll if he asked for one. i want well rounded children. oh and my daughter asked me today if she could have a basket ball hoop for her birthday lol. i think its strange what posts they deem unacceptable and whats not. i think it needs to be revised.

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