What Should I Do... - Miles City,MT

If you are unhappy I think you need to get out of the situation... I know it is hard because you care and love his son so much, but you need to be happy also:0 Good Luck!

Go to relationship counseling regularly. Learning how to communicate with each other can work miracles.
K.

So I'm probably going to take some heat for my comment but I think you should stay and work it out. It doesn't sound like there is anything more to your situation than what happens to lots of couples who are both busy and just stop spending enough time together. My hubby and I had a rough patch and attended some counseling. He was ready to walk out before we started but 12 weeks later he decided he could do it again. We have been together for almost 5 more years and even though there are days I think there's no romance left I get through it and the next day will sure give me a romatic suprise. My point is that having a relationship is hard work and you have to work hard to have one.

I'm a little confused --- if you don't love him why were you with him for 3 years and why did you have a child with him? My guess would be at some point in time you did love him. Having children is REALLY h*** o* a relationship. Men and women behave and communicate differently. You need to communicate with him. Don't assume he knows how you feel or he knows how to behave. Maybe get a counselor to help the two of you out. Take some time away from the kids so you can go on a date or a getaway. What you are describing is pretty typical for a couple with young children. You haven't described anything that sounds mentally or physically abusive. It sounds like you think you have fallen out of love due to the fact that you and your partner have neglected your relationship. That is common for parents to put all of their love into their children and not into their relationship. I would do everything I could to fix the relationship first for the sake of the kids. It's more important that kids have their parents. This will take time. Also, it sounds like he works a lot. Is he not with the kids because of choice or because of necessity? He can't be all that bad if he's caring for his handicapped uncle. And he loves your baby. Maybe you guys can make some sacrifices so he can cut back on work in order to spend more time with the family? You need to put yourself in his shoes. And you need to help him understand how it feels to be in your shoes. Now, after you have pulled out all of the stops and still have irreconcilable differences --- then move on. But realize you only get your son and he gets to keep his son. Unless you two agree to have shared custody of the children. You are young and it's hard being a stay-at-home mome. I think this sounds repairable. You are not alone in the category of women frustrated with their men. I hope it works out for you. Best wishes.

Do you know who Dr. Laura is? She will give you some good advice. Call her at 1-800-drlaura.
Good luck!

I feel your pain. I know my Hubby doesn't see what I do at home as equal to his earning power. I think it is more important. I would first go get "The proper care and feeding of husbands" read it and do what it says. As much as I disagree with Dr. Laura most of the time, she is right in this case. Men are primitive and just need to be made to feel like "Prince Charming" or the "Night in shinig armor" Once they feel that way they are putty. That said, if you follow the book (I'd say for about a month) and there is no change then go to counciling. If that doesn't work. Leave.
You could also try getting a part time job to take some of the weight off of his back. Supporting 4 people on one salary isn't easy anymore.
If you talk to him and make it sound like you are the one trying to do better (when it's really you gently coercing him to) he might be more open to counciling than if you come at hime with, "I"m not happy, you're always grumpy, I do all the work around here, you never help...."--"I've noticed you're tired and I want to learn how to help you so you can feel better..." You'll attract more flys with honey than vinigar.

Dear B.,
I say Run, Run , Run,. It is not worth keeping your baby and yourself in this relationship if you don't love him. His child will be taken care of. His child is his problem. I am wondering if he is not verbally abusing you and maybe physically as well. Most women who say that there spouse in grumpy and they don't love them...more than what they say is going on. I hope that I am wrong.

to me it sounds like you are all in a really stressful spot. you, dealing with the kids and not having a man to cuddle and talk to and your bf working crazy hours taking care of a relative and trying to provide for you all too.as a stay at home mom i know how stressful this can be for you and some times we do feel taken for granted. and over the years i have learned that our men(atleast most of them) take being good providers very seriously. i think that they can get hung up on the providing part that they forget about the sweet stuff that we need as women. in their hearts, i really believe that they do all of those crazy working hours because they love us so much.you are both working really hard it sounds like and maybe have just gotten off track in the love department. my hubby and i have gone through times like this plenty and i have thought about leaving too but when i stopped and thought about things from both sides there really was usually a simple explanation.most of the time we were both just working so hard we had forgotten to take time for eachother. we went to a good couselor and got some things figured out. i changed my focus from how he was making me feel to how i could help us all feel betterand really considered where i need to adjust my attitude. we really can only change ourselves. also it has really helped to branch out and get some good girl firends with kids. we can chat and do things together. that way i am not expecting my hubby to be my chatty partner all the time. we still talk and ofcourse communicating is key in any realtionship. i just mean that i can fill my tank up so to speak by venting with a good girl friend. we all need"a good friend and a glass of wine " sometimes. so i guess what i am trying to say is i think you guys can make it through if you make some time to talk about how you are feeling and find out how he is feeling too. if you are coming from a place of love for him , you, and both your boys. you can do it. there are so many women on this mamasource site that have been where you are and worse. we have made it through. that is how people get to be 80 and still so in love, because they have been through the tough times and found a way to make it through. i know it is hard and probably brings you to your knees crying , these times can really hurt i think if you can make a go of it, together, you will be glad you went through this rough patch. big hug to you, hang in there, N.

if he's not abusive and you want to try to make it work between you two, love him. do nice things for him. make his breakfast and other meals. write love notes and letters. do fun things with him. go on dates with him. romance him like you used to when you first got with him. have conversations with him.

with the kids, do fun things with him and them, so that he has a chance to interact with them and you better.

alot of times, people lose the love and romance in relationships due to being bogged down with work and parenting. You just need to revive your relationship. if he still loves you, he'll probably respond well to you being nice and kind.

something i've learned about my husband is that he's willing to help out in any way that he can. the only problem is that he doesn't have time, or is tired when he gets home. I'm a sahm. being a mother is a full-time job; but, i find that not only can i take time to care for my baby, but also find time to cook and clean. it's hard to clean when you have been at work all day. if you're right there with the house all day, there really isn't that much excuse.

Been there done that....I got out..I think you should too...

I would invest a little longer with him. Start documenting everything in case you need it later on in a court setting. There is no reason why you can't try to get custody of your son and stepson if you are the better parent and have documentation of your everyday life and all it has consisted of. Have you adopted your stepson, that might be another step. Have you talked to your husband about the "two" of you putting more into the marriage? Counseling? Does your husband have "good" qualities that outweigh the bad ?

From personal experience as a step-mom to a step son that I love I will say that there came a day I packed my bags and I was ready to go, and my step-son cried and begged me to stay. I did. I stayed for almost ten years, and I'm glad I did because I love him. He was little and I loved him and I know I made a difference for him. I couldn't stay forever but I think back on that moment a lot and I was there for my step son when he was little. I left when he was old enough to take care of himself. I tell him he can come and live with me any time he wants. He won't say he wants that now. I'm not sure how he feels now, but even though I've felt unappreciated and even rejected at times even by him I feel good about things. I'm just really glad I didn't leave him when he was little. I know I did my best for him, and I love him and that makes me feel good now. I feel good about that, and I'm glad. I know he needed me and he's a good kid. I know he's going to do something great in life. He knows I love him. I can't be with his dad forever, but I was there when he was little. I made sure he was taken care of and protected when he couldn't protect himself. I think you're really good if you're doing that and you'll feel good about it later. You may also want to read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.

Hi B.,
I was in a similar situation with a step-son of my ex-husband. We basically raised him together and it was devastating to me and to the son when the marriage fell apart. Unfortunately, I moved away out of state so I don't even get to see the son anymore, but if I did live close to him I would choose to still be a part of his life somehow. If you are in a relationship that cannot be helped at all then it is your choice if you want to leave, since you will still have to be in contact with him since you share a child, then you could still decide to keep taking on the responsiblity of the step-child, if you love him so much. Just because your relationship with his father is over doesn't mean your relationship with him has to be. Continue to be the mother he has grown to know.

Hi,

First of all, this is more than a little dilemma - this is something that can/will change those little boys' lives forever. You should've probably researched him and his behavior a little more before you had a child together. But, obviously that is beside the point now. My personal opinion: you need to give it your best shot and try to work things out - at least in the end you can say you did absolutely everything you could and you wont feel like you're letting those boys down as bad. I would suggest to him to go to counselilng and if he won't go, then you go. You have created a family for those boys and you can't rip that out from under them. You two need to get your feelings for eachother in order. Tell your boyfriend the honest truth - maybe that will snap him out of it....maybe there is something going on with him that he needs help with. I would go to a pastor, private counselor or somebody and try everything you can before you throw in the towel. Relationships are A LOT of work.....but are nearly impossible when only one person is doing all of the work. You need to communicate with your boyfriend and try to resolve things....for your boys sake.....they will grow up to be better men for it. Good luck.

You need to be concerned about you and your son FIRST. It's not doing any good for your son to see you in a relationship in which you are not happy. Ever heard of cycles? The example you set for him now is the example he will follow when he's older. Be concerned for you son FIRST. If you want to continue seeing and taking care of your boyfriends child then you can babysit him, for money, yet you can still break off the relationship....if that's something that will work out. If he doesn't want you to have contact with his child anymore, the best you can do is pray that his child will be well taken care of. Raise YOUR child to be a good citizen and a good person...THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS!!!

For starters.. 3 years... that's classic. Alot of people think they aren't happy anymore at the three year mark. Make sure your not in a slump before you take action. Talk more to your man about it, maybe hes just so busy and stressed he forgot to think about the important stuff. Remind him of it and let him know that you can't live like that. (alot of times that will sink in and he'll want to do better - men alot of times dont even realise!) But check yourself and him before doing anything drastic. Then if you decide your still not happy, try to talk to your man in a way that you can end as well as possible then offer to help with his son. Let him know its important for the kids because they are siblings to spend time together, and also because you have a strong relationship with his son its important to keep that or he'd be hurt and confused.
Best Wishes
S.

Well, if you are certain there is no love in your heart for him, no amount of counseling will change that -- you could possibly learn to tolerate him a bit better but you would never be happy. That is no way for your child to grow up seeing you with your partner -- not a good relationship role model for the kids to learn from. If you love him but are disenchanted with his current behavior then you should consider counseling to work through the issues.

Loving his son will make it devasting for you and that child if you leave but staying could be even more devasting in terms of what you would be teaching both children about how to love yourself and what healthy relationships look like. If you are truly concerned for the well-being of his son in your absence I would contact someone after you leave -- perhaps one of his family members -- to make sure someone else is aware of this child's needs.

If he is so irresponsible with him, why on earth was he granted custody in the first place? I hope there is a family member who can step in for the sake of his son, but you have to realize that child is not your responsibility. You could be doing more harm than good in the long term by staying.

But again, if you have love for this man, try to find a good counselor and work things out. If that isn't your choice, surround yourself with support after you go and do what you can to have others check on his son. You have to release yourself from the guilt that is keeping you there and do what is best for you and your baby. My highest thoughts are yours... good luck.

Forgive me for being abrupt, but you are not married to your boyfriend, therefore you are NOT the 4-year old's "step mother". Legally, you have no hold on him at all. After 3 years you certainly have learned to love him like your own. No judge would award you custody since you are not a blood relative. If you can't work things out with your baby's father, you are better off raising your son alone, and make Dad step up to the plate and raise his sons, with child support to you. Sounds like he is not too happy with the situation, either. Being so one sided in a relationship is not good for either one of you, or your children.

I second the counseling idea but only if there is a spark left in your heart... a desire to make this work for the sake of the relationship and the boyfriend not the child.

If that is really over and there is not love there, then you really could do more harm than good as someone else already said. I don't know if there are laws where the step parent can be awarded some kind of shared custody or if you could even ask your partner about sharing custody of the boy as he is obviously in your heart "your son" too.

One last thought, Could your boyfriend be grumpy becasue he has a lot more responsibility than he can handle? If he were not grumpy any more would your feelings change for him? Maybe he needs help... it sounds exhausting to leave at 5:30 am and get back after 7pm only to have to go take care of someone else... I might be a bit grumpy myself... do you think this is how he wants to be? Would he be interested in therapy, a change of jobs, I have always been told money is not everything, happiness can be found anywhere- if he took a different job with better hours how could that help you both? If you shared the earning responsibility, maybe he worked mornings and you worked nights he might see what it takes to run a home and be more interested in the children. Does he know you are thinking this way, ready to leave? That might help him have a change of heart or show him clearer what is going on.

I wish you the best as it sounds like a heart breaking situation for everyone involved. I hope there are some answers out there or solutions that make sense. Good luck.

I was in a similar situation, the boyfriend was worthless but I loved his 2 children. Neither he nor the mother had the skills to be even a less-than-decent parent. I had to walk away from the situation and have regretted it ever since! The 2 children involved ended up experiencing some of lifes worst... if you can at all be part of this boys life, please try. Perhaps you could approach his father from a situation of understanding??? Tell him you understand that he has a lot of responsibilities- job, uncle and that you can offer stability for his son but you want custody. Explain that doing this would have the best impact for the future ofon his son.?? SOME people will do what's best for the child even when they themselves are incredibly unhealthy. I hope he can see what would be best for his son. I would also suggest talking with a professional- social worker or lawer before mentioning a thing.
My prayers are with you in this situation!!
PS- I just read Amy P's response and very much agree with her- goooood advise.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about spending more time with you and the kids? Does he know how you feel? Here's my advice-- take it or leave it--Whatever you do remember that it's not you, but your child who is going to suffer from a separation. You made the decision to bring your child into the world and you are responsible for his happiness. I say do whatever it takes to make your relationship work. I suggest a book called Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis. She explains why ending a relationship is not always the best answer and teaches you how to go about changing your relationship--even if your partner isn't willing to seek help. Just because you end one relationship doesn't mean the next one will be problem free. Problems will always arise--especially if you don't learn to properly deal with them the first time. Learn to change the circumstance you're in instead of running away from it. Sometimes challenges in life and relationships are to help refine our character. Don't be selfish--even if it seems like that's what he's doing. If you loved him once, you can love him again. Don't give up.

I know it may not seem like it, but to me this seems "easy" to resolve. You definitely don't want to stay in a relationship with someone you don't love just because you feel a sense of responsibility or that he won't be able to handle being a parent if you're not there. If you're gone, he will be forced to make the necessary changes to care for his child/children. And, I don't mean to sound harsh, but you're young enough to still have a great life if you're willing to get out there and make it happen. Don't let your sense of obligation hold you in a place you shouldn't be. It's not beneficial for you, him and definitely not for the kids. If you're scared of the single parent thing, take a look at your life because it sounds like you're already doing it. Get a job, go back to school, do something to improve your station in life but that also makes you happy. I recently ended a relationship with a man I DO love, but it just wasn't working out. Making these kinds of changes are tough for everyone, but I don't doubt that everyone will be better off in the long run - and I'm not talking about me now. If you've got a good support system, use it. Family and friends probably see, or you've told them, how things are and will be more than happy to help you make the necessary changes. It's your life - make the most of it!!!

B.,

I can tell in you letter that you are not happy :( All I can tell you is that even when you think kids dont know that you are un-happy they really do. It breaks my heart to think that you are raising two kids on your own, with your man in the same house. Maybe yu should try talking it over with him, and if that dont work then making yourself happy should be a priorty. Dont ever stay in a relationship because of your kids or someone elses kids. You have had a great impact on your step sons life, and will continue to do so.