What Should I Do - Wells,ME

Hi N.,

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to do things with you? Do you have any idea if he feels the same way? I would start by having a heart to heart with him and let him know how you feel. Once you have everything on the table it my be easier to decide where to go from here. Good Luck.

Patti

I feel for you, b/c I've just dealt with some of the same issues --especially the lack of a sex life, but loving the person b/c he's the father of my child. Well, I'm here to tell you that after a number of years of dealing with this, I finally made the decision to end the marriage and immediately felt as if a 10-ton weight had been lifted from my shoulders! For me (and I'm not for 1 minute suggesting that just b/c it was right for me that it will be right for you), I decided that I'm no longer willing to settle for a life without passion and intimacy. That was not what I signed on for in the beginning, and I want those things in my life. I hope this helps in some way.

Hi N.,
My heart goes out to you in your situation. I don't have an answer for you, but before you do anything drastic, I think you should have an honest conversation with him. So long as you both think the relationship is worth saving - it is! - right? It might mean counseling, date nights, personal pampering, or even job changes, but if it keeps your family in tact it would be well worth it. Nothing - money, houses, jobs - nothing is worth sacrificing your family. I'm sure it all seems overwhelming, but really consider what's on the line, both for you personally and for your children.

Good luck.

After being married so long, it is completely normal for your sex life to be terrible. It's also normal for you to miss the romantic love you shared at the bginning of your marriage, but that doesn't mean that you two are no longer in love. Love matures as people do, and like people, it often becomes less wild and more practical. But often women are disappointed by this stage of love because it doesn't seem romantic, and they fantasize that a new man will appear and give them that romantic love. However, this is not very likely. What IS likely is that if you leave your husband, your children's lives will be ruined and your relationship with them will suffer irreparable damage. N., your children are all at very vulnerable ages. They need the stability of their two parents continuing to live together (provided there's no violence) in order to continue growing and feeling safe, to become themselves.

Think of your marriage as a car. Sure, if you sell it, maybe you'll win a shiny new Lexus on a game show, but probably not. And although your old car isn't as shiny or fast as it used to be, it's big enough for all the kids and it has good car seats and seat belts. It keeps your kids safe, and that makes it worth more than any new car on the lot. Feel you can't live with a less-than-ideal car? Well, you could spend your kids' college funds on a speedy new car, or you could spend a lot less on a tune-up and a paint job. You're still together after 13 years, which means you have a really solid engine! Don't trash a good car because you miss the days it ran faster and looked newer...fix it up, good as new, and know that when it came time to decide your children's fates, you did what it took to make them safe and happy.

Okay, metaphor over...I'm just trying to tell you that the investment you could make in couples counseling would be the best investment you ever made. If hubby doesn't like the idea, use the car metaphor (*cars* they understand!)

In the meantime, make a list of all your husband's good points, including the things that made you love him in the first place. Keep thinking about that list and how much you really love him, and when you do get a chance to be alone with him, show him you know how lucky you are.

If there's any chance you can switch to days, do it. Encourage him to look for work closer to home, and let him know that it's because you want to spend more "us" time with your sexy husband! Beg him to go to counseling with you; let him know that he'll have a chance to talk about how *he'd* like things to be. Chances are he's missing the way things were, too.

For the sake of your sons and daughters, this is a rough patch you will both have to get past together. It can be done if you both love your kids enough to do the work. Find a couples counselor you both like, even if you have to meet with several.

One great tactic is to pawn the kids off on a relative for a weekend, rent a hotel room, and leave hubby a message to meet you there. When he gets to the room, meet him at the door in the sexiest outfit you have (you know what he likes), and tell him how badly you've been missing making love to him. Once he's sweaty and exhausted, tell him that you want his permission to make a counseling appt. for the two of you. Tell him it's really important to you and that you aren't saying that the marital problems are HIS fault or your fault, just that you aren't happy with the way you two seem to be growing apart. Assure him that lots of couples go through it, but that you think counseling could nip any serious problems in the bud. Tell him you need to do it for the kids, and he may agree out of his sense of fatherly duty. Remind him that you love him and you think he's a great father and husband, and you don't want to lose him.

If he won't go, GO BY YOURSELF. Either way, it may be helpful to make up a "schedule" of time when the two of you can be together. Good luck.

Hi N.,
There is another option, and that is facing whatever the issues are, preferably with a marriage counselor. The fact is, no one who is married feels "in love" all the time, or even most of the time. Love is a choice. And you made that choice when you married. There will always be issues, even in the best of marriages -- what makes them the best is that the couple is committed to it for the long haul, and willing to work at it. I would hate to see you ask for a separation without first inviting your husband to work at it with you. In addition to a couselor, there are also lots of great books out there that could help. I highly recommend "Love and Respect," by Emerson Eggerichs, "The Five Love Languages," by Gary Chapman, and "The Power of a Praying Wife," by Stormie Omartian. They've all helped me so much in my own marriage. I would say you owe it to your kids, and to yourselves, to at least give it a try before giving up. I wish you the best.

Dear N.,
This is tough. I've been through this, though I have to admit, it was mostly the other way around. But, regardless fo the source, or who is loving more, the last thing you should do is just continue on. That's not fair for ANY of you.
I went to a marriage counselor, on my own, secretly, when I felt as you do - that perhaps a seraration would be best. I felt that I HAD to give it one more chance. I went to see the counselor four times. I did it secretly because I wasn't ready to "get into it" with my husband yet.
I'm so glad I did this. And I did tell my husband about it just after my 4th visit. I was ready then.
The counselor listened to me carefully. I described our relationship. I read her some conversations that he and I had via email. She got a good sense that way of his needs and wants. She said she thought that we seemed like very compatible people - and that hit me, it was the beginning of a turn around for me.
Remember, your kids and your careers WERE NOT WHAT BROUGHT YOU TOGETHER IN THE FIRST PLACE. If you are compatible, it's because of who you are underneath all that.
That was a big lesson for me. From there I could understand much better how my husband and I needed to interact.
It's a long and lengthy tail that you don't need to hear. But I recommmend you do talk to someone. Don't give up until you've given it that last chance. It may not work out, but at the very least you won't have just given up. And, it may work out. It may be the best thing you ever did.
It will cost some money. Find it wherever you can. Believe it or not, I used money my mother in law had given me for my birthday - to secretly talk to someone about possibly divorcing her son! And after all, it saved my marriage. Funny how life works. Best of luck to you.

I can only share my experience with you which is to get help fast. Having gone through counseling I can tell you this, it gets worse before it gets better. Those wounds get exposed and it hurts. You will want to quit just as you may now. Remember that you have 4 great kids and if there is any chance that you can work this out I encourage you to try. Divorce is expensive and emotionally painful.

Even if the counseling doesn't work out at least you will be able to look back and say you gave it your best. :)

Also, you go, even if he won't.

Best wishes and blessings in this endeavor. L.

I am quite surprised at the opinions of others saying to separate. Selfishness should not prevail just because one does not "feel" love for a season. What is this teaching our children to do!!

I have been married 27 yrs and we have been crazy in love to almost hate for each other at various times!! The full range of emotions have run the course of years spent together.
Sticking with something for better or worse is what marriage is all about. I counsel women for a variety of problems and I find that communication is usually lacking and the woman is definitely not on the same wave length as the husband. Men are thinking so very differently then us, that communication in marriage is VITAL.

You need to find out "why" he is not wanting intimacy with you. What are the stress points that happen on a daily basis?
Because he works out of state, is he gone days at a time or just really long hours? My husband had to do the same thing for 3 years and I KNOW the stress associated with this situation. He was exhausted working to support us and had no energy left and basically collasped at home when he would be here, leaving me hanging. I tended to be dumping on him, when he was home and he didn't like me very much for doing that to him. He felt his home to be a haven for him to rest and recoup before facing the world again and thought that I could handle everything at home...he trusted me to hold down the fort, so to speak and didn't want my stress dumped on him.
I know this doesn't seem fair, but this is just a season to get through and being happy is a state of mind, a choice we personally make on a daily basis. It is not how others behave around us that determine our happiness.
You should love him through good/bad times. This time will pass and you will find your emotions following your choices, so make the most of these hard times and push through and your children will appreciate(when they are older) the sacrifice you and your husband are making for them.
Remember the days when you first noticed your man and think about those times and smother him with your love and he will respond.

Have you tried anything such as counseling or date nights to try to keep your relationship strong or re-build it? It's so hard with kids and a long marriage to find time for "you" as a couple but it might help. Personally if you've tried and your not in love anymore I don't think it's good for anyone to live in an unhappy house. You, him or the kids. Good Luck!!

N. - You have to communicate your feelings with your husband. this may be a phase your going through. If you don't communicate you will push him away and then he will want to leave you. I'm going through that now. I had those feelings you had a few years ago and now the situation is reversed and I blame myself. Communicate-communicate-communicate!

Stop sleeping on the couch and take time for you both to get together to see a movie or go to dinner. Get the relationship back. It will not be like getting roses, but in time, you will gain a better relationship back. Don't look for perfection. Keep yourself interesting to him too.
It's a busy time in your life and easy to go on with everyday chores without taking time. You will both lose out if you don't.

It sounds like you two need to talk, your work lives are hectic and you have 4 kids.

Staying together for the kids is not going to help out your loneliness and heartache. But do not end it without working on it.

Ask him how he feels, you both maybe just so tired and overwhelmed you are just doing what you need yo get thru the day. See if you can go away for a weekend (grandma watches the kids??) so you can recharge and see where you both feel you are.

Talk and maybe see a counselor (church) before you just go to separation..you could work it out.

Honey, you should really try marriage counseling. You need to get that flame roaring again. You deserve to be happy. Try talking it out, really. Let him know how YOU feel & remember to tell him how much you love him & want things to be more like they were before & suggest a marriage counseling. Or even check out sites like www.theromantic.com - michael webb is fantastic! Also, church is a wonderful place too. My husband and I have never been in that particular situation like you, but church has brought us even closer & gives us more of an understanding on how things should be for a married couple. We have a wonderful marriage (and yes, that does include arguments =0) not often but we have them & it's normal) but look into some conferences. They have marriage clinics - or seminars that are fantastic too. Get happy - ask him how he feels too! Atleast try to work things out. And what you said DOES make sense. If you've given it your best shot & in the end it still turns out things are the same ... then you & your husband need to have a very serious talk about your future.

good luck with everything
God Bless

Hey Nichole...
Sorry you are going through all this!
Have you tried to rekindle your romance? Maybe you just need some intimacy with him. I would discuss this with him. If you are truly out of love with him and nothing is helping then I would separate. I cant think of anything worse than not wanting to be with my spouse and being "stuck".
Sorry and good luck
S.

Does your husband know how you feel? Have you tried to work it out? Sounds to me like you guys have just given up...try communicating before you throw in the towel. Marriage takes a lot of work, you need to confront your issues and see if this marriage is worth saving.

Don't give up on the marriage. You need to work at reconnecting with your husband. Find something you like to do together. It is a daily effort.

First of all, my heart goes out to you.

My questions to you: Have you tried everything to make it work? How would you feel if you walked away without trying everything you could?

How do you think your children view your relationship and do you want them growing up thinking it's 'normal' and emulate the relationship they see in their lifelong relationships?

I know that might seem harsh, but that is what most children do. So... do everything you can to make it work, but know YOU deserve happiness. Life is about choices, and you are choosing not to be happy -- so change it by doing everything in your power.

Another question: How does he feel about your relationship and/or sex life? I went around for 2 years thinking my marriage was great, to find out my hubby wasn't happy and thought our sex life was lacking. So comprimise - but choose happiness.

Lastly, I don't think people, in general, ever are 'in love' like they used to be... that relationship grows and matures into more -- not as new, not as risky.. but hopefully twice as strong. Loving is knowing the bad in a person, and loving them regardless... the more you know, the more you can love.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I am not sure what your decision should be. Sometimes people can work things out and sometimes(for whatever reason) they cant no matter what they do. Each person is different and desires different things from their relationship. Obviously your not getting what you desire from your husband. You have been married for 13 years. I am sure you both have changed alot since you first got married. I dont know how old you were but if you were really young, you have changed significantly. Sometimes couples grow together and others grow apart. I think both you and your husband have grown apart to some degree. How far apart is something you have to figure out. You also have to figure out if you were ever really compatable. Some people get into a relationship that is wrong for them to begin with and even convince themselves that they can make it work. Other people are attracted to someone but kind of ignore the real person behind that attraction. So take an honest look at your relationship with your husband from the past and the present to find out if there is something worth saving. No one should stay in a relationship that doesnt work for any reason. Kids give you more of an insentive to work on things and give it that "last shot" but you should never stay and be miserable just becuase you have kids. Kids learn how to form adult relationships by the kinds of relationships their parents have(either with eachother or with other people)What your doing now is teaching your kids that its ok for mom to sleep on the couch and barely see dad and never show any kind of affection or do anything together. You dont want your kids to aspire to that. You want them to get married and stay married to someone they truely love and are happy to be with. So either work on it(and get your husband to work on it with you)or take the steps to have a POSITIVE seperation/divorce. Whatever you do, shield your kids from any negativity and be mature respectable adults about everything. There is no need to place blame or argue over anything. A disaster of a divorce will scar your kids for life. A positive seperation or divorce will go a long way to keeping your kids happy and well adjusted.

N.,

It sounds like you guys have forgotten to focus on just the two of you for some time now, which is really easy to do with the whirlwind of kids and life.

My suggestion is that before you make up your mind on what to do, that you try with all your might to take a mini vacation ( the longer the better but a weekend works as well)with just the TWO OF YOU. Drop off the kids at relatives. Before you say that you don't have the time, think at what is at stake here and make the time!

See if you can rekindle the spark. Drink a couple of glasses of wine, have a great dinner, see if you can rekindle the sexual aspect of your life.

Towards the tail end of the vaca would be a good time to discuss with your husband either the lack of the spark (even after the vaca) or how the spark left and what you guys can do to make sure it never leaves..

I wish you the best of luck! Don't give up until you really have put in all your effort in trying to get out of the rut.

Seek professional conseling, to help you both remember what made you fall in love in the first place! Sometimes our lives get so busy with everyday happenings, it is tough to put time aside for each other. Start out by setting up an appointment at a mutual time with each other to spend 30 minutes a week devoted to only the two of you.Keep the lines of communication open. Asking for a seperation should be a last resort. Good luck, God Bless.

Ok, it seems to me you have two different problems. One is the sex life, one is the relationship. It sounds like you would be a great candidate for professional councilling, but it seems like you wouldn't be comfortable with that.

Let me tell you from experience, you can have a very natural and fulfilling sex life on your own (if you know what I mean?). My husband and I have sex maybe once a month, sometimes not even that. We mostly sleep in separate beds (one upstairs and one downstairs) because I snore and he is a light sleeper. It used to bother me that he didn't want to be in my bed, but now we have two small children and every minute of sleep is very important. I realized that if I wanted to be fulfilled sexually, I was going to have have to use a vibrator. Since then, I don't push him for sex, and he is happy with our sex life such as it is. I know it's unusual, but it's working.

As far as the relationship...well, that's something you need to figure out for yourself. Do you WANT to have the loving relationship that you had before? If you do, then you have to work for it. Get some therapy for yourself and figure it out.

Have the years of day in and day out work on keeping together harder than separating? It seems like your husband isn't around much. Has he decided that he wants out? Have you talked to him? If he wants out, then it doesn't really matter what you want. But if he isn't even aware that your relationship has deteriorated into something you would consider giving up, then he's going to be shocked and probably mad that you let it go this long. If there is a possibility that he may want to stay married and work it through, you definitly should, for your sake and his, and clearly for the children.

Good luck, my friend. You have a lot of work ahead of you. With so much at stake (the future of 4 beautiful people, including yourself), you should definitely talk to your husband and seek some professional advice. It seems like it's worth the work!

Hi N. - My best advice is for you to find a way to communicate your unhappiness to your husband and begin to put things back together. (I would not jump to any conclusions until you start talking about things... i.e. what he might be doing while he is away, etc.)

You will not be able to work any of this out until you start sharing it with him, because I'll bet that right now he is clueles!

For the sake of your children, I would ask you to consider this: I am involved with a group that does an active and interactive marriage workshops all over the world that reinvents and invigorates marriages in just three days! Hard to believe, but true.

(By active and interactive, I mean that there are never any lectures where you sit and listen for the word to fill in the blanks... Like so many out there! This one is fun and conversational. We work at our marriages, but we really enjoy getting to know our spouses all over again.)

My marriage was saved by this seminar and because of that, I am now working on helping facilitate them in this area once a year.

I really believe that your husband doesn't even know how miserable you are. You will need to find a forum in which to tell him. A safe place where he will hear you. This workshop is that place!

They are very inexpensive and we will be holding one in Manchester in May if you'd like to hear more about it. I have no doubt that this will be the jump start you need!

If you would like more information, or asothers have suggested, referral to a wonderful therapist, please email me privately and I will give you more info.

Remember - God may steer our boat, but he can't do anything until we start rowing it...

Dear N.,

First, my qualifications, I have none. I am married (9 years) and have 1 son, so my opinions are based primarily on my experiences. That being said, I believe solidly that "just keep doing what I am doing and not being happy" is NOT a good idea. Everyone suffers if you let things continue on that path - you suffer, your husband suffers, and most importantly, your kids learn from observing your experiences.

I don't have a solution for you, but finding support either online or locally may be a good start, getting things out in the open by confronting your husband (gently) may also be something to consider.

EVERY marriage goes through hard times, no matter how solid it is. Trust yourself, talk to your friends, find support, and make a change.

Well, I don't know what you should do, but I can share my story with you and see if it helps. I had been with my significant other for 4 years; we have a beautiful 2-year-old son. Matt worked third shift to allow one of us to always be with our son, so he was never in daycare. Ad time passed we began to grow apart; I loved him as Stone's dad and even as a friend but no longer could bring myself to sleep with him. He started sleeping on the couch and slept there for a good 8-9 months before we finally broke up. As difficult as its been, I am a completely new person, this broken relationship was holding me back and not allowing me happiness. Reading your story it reminds me of how I felt. I don't know if my decision will be right for you, though it was for me. Best of luck, if you ever need to talk feel free to message me!

Hi N.! When I read what you wrote my heart was sad for you. First and foremost..Due to the situation that your husband works out of state and that you are sleeping on the couch and your sex life is non-existant....I think you should make an effort to try to re-connect. Maybe you could talk with him alone at night when he's there, or write him a note stating that you still love him and that you miss the two of you together. The reasons that brought you together in the first place.

I was a single mom before I met my husband..sometimes staying unhappy in a marriage is not the answer. Your children would adjust..they're resilent...and with some counseling your entire family could be stronger. Maybe your husband is unhappy..and doesn't know how to approach this. My prayers are with you! Keep smiling..your children need that!

I agree...TALK to him! Some time when you both have some time off (and I would make it a point to TAKE the time) get a sitter so the 2 of you can concentrate totally on each other, then TALK, TALK, TALK.

I also like the recommendation of counceling, or even, if you go to church, talk with a couple that you respect, if they don't mind.

For the record, my husband and I have been married for almost 23 years.

Hi N.,
My name is L.. I am 56 yrs young. I divorced when my children were 4, 8, 10. Same kind of situation as you I think, with some differences. My x just avoided the family by working constantly, and he's bi polar, dry drunk,and lots of anger issues..so many issues. I will tell you what I tell anyone considering separation/divorce... it does not become an easier life. Expect hardship. Do not expect alimony (I didn't get any), and expect late child support payments. Can you pay the mortgage? Divorce is particularly h*** o* boys, especially a 12 yr old. You just had a baby.. do you think you suffer from 'baby blues' a very real emotional state. I would give it a lot more time unless your spouse is violent or having rage issues. Your husband may be overwhelmed with 4 kids to support. Do you work? Have you talked or gone to counceling?
If you do decide this marriage cannot be repaired, you need to be prepared. There are many books out there: Dollars and Sense of Divorce is one... sounds callous, but do things like get your teeth fixed, get a car if you need it (no car payments tho), put money in a separate account, be very very prepared. Hard to do when its so emotional.
What happened to my kids: All are happily married, I'm a grammy 5 times, all have great spouses, jobs. Hard work, lots of luck, and their own survival instincts, and extended family support (emotional, not financial believe me). My girls see their dad once and a while. My son does not see him at all. Their father still suffers from bipolar, manic depression, dry drunk, rage issues..some things never change. Me, I remarried a really, really sweet man 10 yrs after I separated. He has no money, but lots of love and kindness which I still soak up every day. Good luck to you... give it time.

The first and hardest part I suggest is to have a quiet moment to talk to your husband about how you're feeling. Remember to phrase things as "I" not "you" so that he won't feel attacked. If he's willing, try to start having dates once or twice a month. More if you can get a sitter more.

Is there a chance of one of you getting a new job to be able to see each other more? I work at a local YMCA in the babysitting room. I can basically work when and what days I want and bring my kid(s). I took a yr off at one point because we were never together. Keep in mind that compromising might need to be done. I've been married 10 years and sometimes it feels as if we are in a slump, but I would not want to be apart from him for anything.

N., you need to decide if this relationship is worth saving. You are tired and tried at this point, but believe it or not, it is easier to raise children in an intact marriage with a supportive spouse. This is not a judgement of the multitudes of women who must leave and end up supporting families on their own. Simply put, exhaust all avenues before you throw in the towel - counselling, a retreat alone with your spouse, a church group - whatever! This will not be easy, but marriage comes with a price tag attached - we need to give of ourselves. You and your husband decide if the cost is worth it. God bless you and yours!

First off I want to apologize for your situation. So many people fall into the spot you are in right now. Have you talked to your husband about these issues? Have you tried marriage counseling? I know after kids things "change" but the change shouldn't be so drastic that you are miserable in your relationship! Maybe what you both need is a little change of pace, make time for each other, and TALK! :) I wouldn't suggest a separation uless you've actually tried at making your relationship better. Good luck with whichever avenue you take.

Hi Nik,

I understand you love this man, for he is the father of your children,but what about you? Once the children get older and they're off doing their own thing, where are you going to be? Alone with a man who has no interest? My question is: Is he a good father? It doesn't sound like he's a good husband. If you're sleeping on the couch and not doing things together, there is definately something wrong. I know it's very hard to separate, but isn't harder being unhappy?

Let me know how it works out.

C.

Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work both by John Gottman are wonderful resources. I hope things improve for you and your family.

Hi... As a mommy and therapist I would try counseling before any decions r made. I know it is simple but u and him can figure it out together for yourself and the kids... good luck

Hello N.!
I understand what you are going through. My husband and I have our times that we think "it's" not there anymore, until I went online and found a book. (I know what your thinking, another book and it won't work), but this book is working. It's called "The five love languages" by Gary Chapman and you can get the book for only $8.99 at www.fivelovelanguages.com If you want to know more about the author go to www.garychapman.org he does marriage seminars. This book taught me that when you first fall in love and you have the butterfly feeling that that is a "High" that everyone gets and after a couple of years those feelings go away. This is true for everybody. When you are in the "High" love is effortless. In order to keep a marriage going, it is going to take extreme effort on both your parts. Which means work! The five love languages are: Quality time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, acts of service and physical touch. You and your husband have a primary love language and most couples do not have the same one. so read the book and find out what yours is and your husband is. After reading the book i now understand why so many marriages end up in divorce. You may like the language of act of service which means for your husband to just vaccuum the house is a great thing. Then your husband could be the language of gifts which you could probably bring home his favorite candy bar one day after work or something that he loves. It doesnt have to cost much. The key is to find both of your love language and use those all your life. It can work. Go online and read the reviews. It's worth it! Good luck!!!!!!!

N.,
I have to agree, it's time for couples therapy. You seem to indicate you you still feel a connection to him but the two of you aren't communicationg very well. At the very least, a set aside time for discussion (with a couples therapist). It will give you something to think about, rather than continue building silent resentment. It's not easy but seperating wouldn't be either. Warm wishes your way.

It sounds like you have grown apart. Your schedules alone can do that, not to mention the fact that you have had to focus on 4 kids. It tends to put your marriage on the backburner. That is completely normal, however it seems to have gone on for so long that you've both forgotten how to be with each other. I would suggest that before giving up, you get away-jut the 2 of you- somplace where there is no TV and you can just talk. Have a real heart to heart. There doesn't seem to be animosity between you, so it can only be healthy for you. Whatever the outcome, you will be better for having done it that way. I am hoping for your sake that it rekindles and old flame that had not gone out completely, but rather was getting dim from lack of oxygen. Best of luck to you.

It sounds like you two need to have a date everyones relationship goes throught highes and lows adn you have alot on our plate with four children. alot of time relationships the newest of them and excitment and passsion just need to be reignited. Plan a trip just the two of you even just overnight. just focus on the two of you. I also have four with similair ages sleeping on the couch and opposite schedule is very difficult. talk it out....good luck

Get counseling first.

K.

Hi N.,
Marriage is not easy specially with 4 kids, even if you were married to prince charming there would still be some challenges.
If there is a chance of working things out and both of you are willing to work at it, I would suggest to try it.
Hope everything works out for you and your family.