What Is Your Opinion/advice?

Updated on September 10, 2008
M.D. asks from Macomb, MI
6 answers

Background - I filed for divorce on August 21st, 2008 to end an abusive relationship. We've been seperated since June 2007. I don't feel as though I've ever been married. I've been in counseling since October 2007 and discovered that I really never loved my soon to be ex-husband, he has many problems and being codependent I was drawn to him. I had also just lost my father and he reminded me of my father in ways. We never got along, got married way too soon (after only three months of dating.) I now believe you need to be with someone through all the seasons and in good times and bad before you can really know them. We have a child together, a six and a half month old baby boy. My soon to be ex-husband is in the Navy and takes very little interest in his son and is on the other side of the country. (He even joined the military against my wishes, I didn't think the marriage was strong enough for it, and forged my signature on the enlistement papers.) While in a relationship he was very abusive, controlling, and continues to pathologically lie. I am really feeling like myself again, emotionally and physically too (I'm losing the 50 lbs. I gained while we were married...well I've lost 18 so far.) I'm happy again and feel so good about myself, am going back to school to get my education (which wasn't allowed by the ex before). There is absolutely NO chance of us rekindeling the relationship, NONE! I am living back at home with my parents and sister. I am 23 years old.

The Question - I feel ready to date again, should I? Do you think it's morally okay or not? Would you date a woman in my position? Why or why not? How could I go about meeting someone with limited funds and limited access to childcare? If you think I shouldn't date yet, when is it an appropriate time?

Thank you for your opinion and adivce, I appreciate it.


Thank you all for your feedback thus far. I apprecaite it and respect everyone's opinion. Just to answer/address some things:

I do attend a church regularly and volunteer there, teach catechism and lector as well.

I think, maybe not for a few years, but eventually my son needs to have a father figure in his life and a positive one too. If and when I would resume dating I would be sure to only introduce men who I feel would be not only a good man and husband but a wonderful father and accept my son as his own.

I have made poor choices, but I have also learned from them. I am still in counseling and continue to benefit it and plan on continue it for quite some time.

I did not plan to bring a child into this world, but to go into too many personal details with you would not be appropriate. I would never have purposefully or willfully created a child in such an unstable enviornment, it wouldn't be right of fair to that child. However a child was created and I love my son with all my heart and my life is dedicated to caring for him and giving him the best I can.

I am working hard and going to school which will provide me with a sufficient income, working hours/conditions and security so that I may provide for my son and help him further himself once he's grown.

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answers from Detroit on


I'm very glad you're getting out of such a terrible relationship. I do think, however, that you should wait to date. Think about everything you do through the eyes of your soon-to-be-ex and his lawyer. They will do anything to smear your name, and if you start dating before your divorce is final that will be the icing on the cake for them. They could try to make you out to be a bad, unfit mother, and they may even try to bring your sexual past against you. Is that the right thing to do? Absolutely not! Will these things be true? Of course not. But will they do it? More than likely. Because of that, I'd say just watch your step until you know you're no longer legally tied to your ex. It might be an inconvenience now but it'll be minor compared to the battles that could be going on in court later.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

My question to you is your divorce finalized? If not then my answer is no you should not be dating yet. You are still young And you have plenty of time for that!
I would also highly recommend a 'divorce care' program many local churches in the area offer them and it helps to get the last of the 'skeletons' out of the closet.
Also, your story & mine are quite similar, I got out of an abusive relationship myself, and I hope you will continue counseling even while dating once you choose to continue the process, I think it will help you.
My prayers are with you.
I pray that God will bless you and do not neglect your child for pursuit of a relationship- that's the most difficult thing to balance!



answers from Detroit on

I realize that this is going to sound very conservative, however, you've also made previous "poor choices" (i.e. you married this guy AND participated in bringing a child into this world with him)...so, my advice is this:
Put off dating until your son is 18 and on his way out of the house (so to speak). Your #1 priority should be him, getting the best grades possible in school, working a job, getting your new career started, putting money away for his schooling, and your retirement (in addition to saving for a home so you can move out of your parent's house). If this means working weekends, etc... then so be it. Spending time dating... (and if you do DON'T introduce these men to your son!) means you aren't spending time doing the above items mentioned. Think about having men come in and out of your life...and what that's going to do to your son. You are his role model. It would take a lot of self control...and if it's not realistic for you to wait that long... try to wait until he's old enough to understand what "dating" means and why you got divorced in the first place.



answers from Detroit on

As soon as your divorce is finalized, you should feel free to get out there. As for your limited funds, if you are religous, you can always try to find a church setting (or whatever house of worship you would attend for your chosen religion) for social events. This would also be a great place for your son to some day get involved in activities as well. It sounds like you've put a ton of hard work into making yourself happy (good for you!) and this could be a place to meet quality people. You may find someone to date here or even meet some nice people that could help to set you up. Don't let your situation dictate whether or not you're "datable" - if the right man comes along, he won't care about your situation. Best of luck and keep staying strong. You sound like you've done everything right to get out of this situation and make yourself better for you and for your son.



answers from Detroit on

Hi M., Woodside bible church in Rachester has a divorce recovery class that is phenominal and they have the people who join the class sign a contract that they will not date anyone for one year. My girlfriend went thru it and it really helped her. They also have a singles group for when the year is done. L.



answers from Detroit on

Hi M.,
IMHO, I think you should concentrate on schooling and your son now. Leave dating for later. If you happen to meet someone without trying, then see where it goes. I believe that your schooling/career and son should come first right now. Also, this would be a great time to search out God if you've never looked for Him. He could be the one to fill that void you're feeling. He will lead you to a new spouse that is right for you in time.
You're relationship with your mom, stepdad, and sister is probably going to need some nuturing too. Stepback from the dating scene and focus on other areas.
Just my .02
God bless!

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