What Is the Best Way to React to an 18Yo Who Sneaks Her Boyfriend in the House?

Well, first of all, your husband isn't her father, so he doesn't get to issue ultimatums. You are the one who makes the decisions for something like this.

You need to sit down with this boyfriend and your daughter together. NOT with the step-father. Tell him point blank that you don't appreciate him being a party to your daughter's untrustworthy behavior. Tell him point blank that he was abusive to her last year and that NO PARENT will have an ounce of respect for a man who is abusive to their daughter. Tell him that he might not care that parents don't like him, but he SHOULD. Part of being a MAN is doing the RIGHT thing, and it's NOT right to be abusive.

Your daughter is still in high school. You DO NOT throw her out of the house. Your husband sounds almost as abusive as this boyfriend of hers. What the heck does he want for her? To live on the street? I'd be telling this man that he had better rethink how he talks to you about your daughter or HE can go live out on the street.

If you are not getting counseling for your daughter for her learning disabilities and social shyness, do it now. Make part of the counseling be about dating as well. She needs people to work with her to have more self-esteem so that she won't put up with an abuser. THIS should be her consequence. NOT your jerk of a husband's idea.

If you don't actively WORK on this, your daughter will continue the sad track she's on. You have the power to help her. DO IT. And tell your husband that if he doesn't stand down, there will be consequences for HIM.

I can share my own personal experience if it helps. When I was growing up, this is something I might have done. Not to have been deceiving, but because I would have been talked into it. I had the wrong sorts of boyfriends. I was a good kid who was drawn to jerks - but because I had good grades, nice friends and was a good kid overall, my parents mistakenly thought I was responsible and mature. Nope.

My mother would have told me she was disappointed in me because she would think I knew better. That used to get through to me. She would have been explained to me in no uncertain terms what the rules were. So if this is the first time she's done something like this, it's likely he talked her into it and she NEEDS you to set boundaries and firm expectations. My mother did that, and while firm and tough love, she also made me realize I deserved better (nicer guys) and in the end, I snapped out of it.

Finding a job would really help her. It's stability and responsibility. Kids who make bad choices can really benefit from that.

As for your husband, he can back off. Bringing up other issues (job, etc.) is not always helpful. Deal with the immediate issue at hand (boy over night) and focus on that first. Your husband needs to respect how you want to handle this and let you take the lead.

I want to address a misconception I have seen here, which is the presumption that a shy girl won't be able to 'get' a boyfriend or be intimate with him. If this fellow is abusive, chances are he was interested in acquiring a passive girlfriend who might not challenge him in his behaviors. I briefly dated a guy like this in high school; he liked me because I was quiet, didn't have a lot of friends, and I think he felt he could control me so I was 'safe'. I broke things off rather quickly and it got ugly for a short time. While I wasn't intimate with him, I can see a girl who remains 'unnoticed' being willing to be with someone who pays attention to them.

Which makes me wonder how involved your daughter's father is, and how the relationship is between she and your new husband, usually. Girls who are getting lots of positive attention at home from the adult males tend to be less likely to enter bad relationships. If your husband is regularly domineering and going off, that's what she is experiencing as 'normal' male behavior. Something to think about.

If it were me, I'd reiterate rules as well as do some counseling between the three of us in order that everyone hear each other out and establish some new 'agreements'. Find out why your daughter is having a hard time holding down a job. (Do you know why?) Learning disabilities can have an impact on one's work if the problems haven't been identified and worked through. I can tell you that I worked my senior year and my grades suffered terribly-- there wasn't time to do a lot of the homework until I was home, and then studying at 10 pm wasn't very effective. Something to consider. So, I'd look into the 'why ' she isn't able to stay employed.Overall, though, this is an opportunity to improve communication and redefine expectations as a family, not just as someone who is being 'told' from on high to get a job or get out.

First she needs to finish school and get on some reliable birth control.
Then she needs a job.
If she's not so shy to be sleeping around then she's not too shy to be getting a job.
Then she needs to move out if she's wanting to be all grown up and play house with anyone.
She's not forbidden to see anyone but you're not running a flop house either - she just can't/shouldn't sneak boys in - and I'd take the door off her room for that.
She might be of legal age but she doesn't own your house and she's not paying rent.
You get to make the rules and enforce them while she's under your roof.
When she's an adult supporting herself and in her own place/apartment/home - then she'll make her own rules.

Well, she is 18 and can move out today. So you need to realize that she is legally an adult. She's not mature enough to fully understand the outcome of some of her choices even though she is of legal age. Just remind your spouse that if he does kick her our then chances are she'll probably be moving to his place and won't finish high school, won't finish anything. She'll go there and end up pregnant.

Did they do this to have sex? Did they do this because he came to see her and didn't have anywhere to stay? She didn't want him sleeping outside? There are lots of reasons why someone would disobey that rule. What's her reason?

You do have rules and there need to be consequences.

Forbid him and make him the most desirable person in the world. He'll be the only thing in the world she can't have so he'll be the only thing in the world she'll want.

Ground her and what does that really do? She's 18. If she doesn't want to do it all she has to do is ignore you and do what she wants. There comes a time when kids/adults don't have to mind like children.

I think you talk to her and tell her that you would appreciate being asked if he could spend the night if the reason was he didn't have anywhere to go.

If it was so they could have sex all night then I'd be telling him if he is ever caught in your house again after bedtime, without them being married, that you will consider him to be breaking and entering and you have a gun.

Well, as a stepparent one of the issues I sometimes have with the kids' behavior is that their father excuses them first and then soft-shoes the consequence. When my SD gave her BF the key to our home without our permission, I had to become a banshee to get him to realize how violated I felt in my home. IMO, there needs to be a family meeting and maybe family counseling, too. It is HARD when the child is 18 and thinks they can do whatever they want, and it's still your home. You may not be able to forbid her from seeing him in general, but you should know who is in your home and if he is not an allowed overnight guest, she should respect that.

Something my DH did right, IMO, was to clarify with his son (who was 18 in HS) that legal adult did not mean functional adult. My SS was in no way able to pay for his own housing, food, etc. There were many things his parents (collectively) did for him. In return what was expected was respect for our home and our rules.

If she wants to be treated like an adult, she needs to be honest and upfront with all the homeowners - not just you.

I would also think about whether or not your husband gets the brunt of little things that could be making him angrier. For me the key thing was the icing on the cake. I was the one whose time was wasted. I was the one left with a van on E. Etc. It took my DH a long time to realize I did not hate his children, but I had good reason to be unhappy with their behaviors, and being unhappy with how they behaved did not mean I was an ogre. He could say his sister's kids were terrible...but never looked in his own house. It made it very rough for a while. If this is more than sneaking in a BF, you need to consider that. Again, perhaps in family counseling. There is a fine line between permissive and draconian and fear that the pseudo-adult will leave in a huff should not mean that the behavior gets ignored. Address the disrespect and not just forbid the boyfriend. He may be a problem but allowing guests in your home without your permission is not a just this boyfriend problem. Get to the root of why she thought it was acceptable.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

What rules do you have in place?

Your daughter is 18 years old - she is legally an adult. She has not graduated from high school - but still she can move out on her own..

Your "spouse"?? Well damn - that's cold!! How long has he been your "spouse"??

You're making excuses for your daughter. How dire are her learning disabilities? She's not so shy that she couldn't get a boyfriend....

HOW was he abusive to her?
WHY is she taking him back?

I think you need to have a serious talk with your daughter and tell her how you feel about her "boyfriend". Make sure she's on birth control and keep the lines of communication open.

You and your "spouse" need to have a talk and MAYBE marriage counseling so you can discuss how to handle a blended family. If he's been in her life since she was a toddler or something? He might carry more weight. His opinion DOES matter, but he shouldn't threaten things like kicking her out. ESPECIALLY if there have been NO GROUND rules set up.

Bet way to react? Tell her how disappointed you are. Tell her your expectations and put security chimes on the doors and windows. Tell your daughter what you expect of her and tell her that there will be NO OVERNIGHTS or even a FEW HOURS alone in a bedroom or any room behind closed doors.

Tough one. She shouldn't be seeing him if he has been abusive to her, but unfortunately it's her choice. She DEFINITELY shouldn't be having sex with him in your house and sneaking him in at night. That's not how mature committed adults act, they get apartments together at 18 and up. She should not be having this relationship which is a huge psychological distraction during high school when she is struggling to keep on track and find a job...but again, her choice.

All this said, no, you don't kick a person out on the street when they are still in high school just because they do something wrong. I get it your husband needs his male ranting vent. I get it he is mad. And I hope she is on reliable birth control. But no, she's not going to get kicked out and throw her whole high school career into turmoil. She won't do it again if he lives far away and I'm sure she ashamed she got caught. I'm not sure any consequences are even worth it for her at this age as long as it never happens again.

She is 18 and an adult. She is responsible for making her own decisions. Instead of recriminations try talking to her. If she knows you disapprove of her boyfriend she will sneak around with him, it's how young people are. She will focus on what she sees are his good points and make excuses for his bad behavior.
She may see a mirror in her step-dad's behavior and the boyfriend's behavior. Stepdad is playing judge - jury and - executioner instead of talking to her. He is being emotionally abusive by not listening to her and just issuing orders. Maybe stepdad's behavior is telling her she deserves to be abused.
While I agree she maybe should get a part-time job and focus on graduating high school and getting into a good college; she may have a different plan for her life. It's up to you to show her in a loving way the best course for her to take.
But remember ... it's her life and you need to be supportive.

She is 18 and an adult so treat her like one. I wouldn't kick her out and would explain that as long as she is in your home she must follow your rules so no boys in the house.

I wouldn't push the issue with the boyfriend, she knows he was abusive so just remind her of that. I would figure out some type of grounding or punishment, but not anything shaming or belittling. She is your daughter and still needs your guidance.

I think the problem is that your 18 year old feels she has to "sneak" her boyfriend in. At 18, she should be well-prepared with birth control, and open conversations should be ongoing, so she feels no need to be sneaky.

The biggest problem is that she chooses to continue a relationship with a guy who was abusive, not that she snuck him into the house.