What Do You Think Am I Being an Overprotected Mom?

It's just a tatoo. An expression of herself. Let it go. It could be a lot worse. And she is the one who has to live with it for the rest of her life. At some point you are going to have to allow her the freedom to express herself as she chooses and as long as she's not hurting anyone else, what is the big deal? She is 20, which means she is a young woman, but I dont think charging her rent is going to make her tatoo go away. It is just going to drive a bigger wedge between the family and cause her to think she can do "whatever" she want because she pays it. Especially if you dont "need" the rent.

Sit down with your husband and help him let it go. Then talk to your daughter and maybe ask her why she got it and what it represents to her. You might even learn a litte about her! Good Luck!

Hi F.. :) I'm 26, so this is all still pretty fresh in my mind... from your daughter's perspective.

As far as the tattoo goes, he really has no right to say what she does with her body. She's over the age to get a tattoo and she's the one that has to live with it for the rest of her life. After 18 all you can really do as parents is advise against a tattoo and remind her that it's hers for life... on her wedding day, when she's pregnant, when she's an old lady.

As far as cleaning up, she's not a teenanger, she's an adult and needs to start cleaning up her messes. My mom never made me do that and now I'm married with a kid and having a hard time budgeting my time for cleaning (9 times out of 10 my apartment is MESSY and it causes problems with me and my husband) because I'm not accustomed to having to take that time. Cleaning your messes in someone else's house is good practice for when you have your own home. It's a valuable life lesson, that I unfortuantely missed.

Now, where the rent is concerned is a bit tricky. I lived with my parents until 24. They never charged me rent (like your daughter I went to school, paid for my car payment, my cell phone, insurance, etc.). Some of my friend's parents charged them $500 a month rent... which I think is a bit excessive. I see no problem with charging $100/$150 a month to help with their share of bills. It will teach responsibility, give you extra money for groceries, and make things easier (hopefully) with your husband, etc. My mother made it very clear to me that the only reason they didn't charge me rent was because they didn't need the money... it might have been different if they did. So no, I don't think you NEED to charge them rent for the sake of charging them... but times are tough and if you could use the extra money, by all means, it's time for a family discussion and new rules set down.

Good luck!! :) Let us know what happens.

Hi F.,

Hmmm tough one. It sounds like your daughter is working and going to school, right? Is she paying for her schooling on her own or are you guys paying for it? Does she help around the house as well? If so, I don't see the big deal if she wants to get a tattoo. It sounds like you've done a good job with your kids and being protective is natural...but he's been their step dad for 10 years and probably is hurt she made a choice against your wishes. Maybe he'll calm down and realize she's "just being 20" and let it go.

Personally, I moved out at 18, went to school full time and paid for it by working full time. It didn't hurt me a bit and taught me how to survive, which wasn't easy. I had to go to a state college b/c that's all I could afford and was a B student because working ft limited study time, but it was what it was and I'm glad I did it that way. I sound like the old guy talking about how he walked up hill both ways in the snow to school with no shoes, but I think our kids would be a lot more practical and self sufficient if we let them make their own choices and suffer their own consequences. Look on the bright side, she'll regret that tatoo one day and he can smile about it then...lol!

Good luck!

Wow. You poor thing. I think you're right and your husband is wrong.

I went to a marraige seminar once and a man who'd been married for 10 years (like you!) shared a very interesting piece of advice which works for marriage and for parenting.

He said, "Whatever your wife [or in this case your kids] does or tells you to do, if it doesn't break one of the 10 commandments, do it."

haha! I thought it was funny. But the guy's point was to keep stuff in perspective. Getting a tatoo at 20 is legal. She's not breaking the law. It's not against her religion. It's not harming another human being or animal. Essentially it's not breaking any laws-- the commandments or U.S. laws, so it's ok.

I think your husband needs to think about that.

Hi F.- personally I think once kids are ready to go to college, they should really get the full college experience by living on campus amongst people their own age (if this is possible). This is really a time when young people need to find themselves and I can imagine that would be hard to do living with one's parents.

With that said, I am against the whole rent thing. When the time comes and your kids may be taking care of you (potentially in their own homes), would you want them to charge you rent?

I agree that they should contribute to the household but in other ways like chores, etc.

She is an adult & has the right to get a tattoo. I don't think she should pay rent if she is in college full time. Tell your husband to get a grip & let it go. It's not like she did anything illegal, he needs to put this in perspective. If he pushes to hard he will alienate her. I think you should let him read your post & the responses.

If your daughter can afford a tattoo she can afford rent.

It's not good for your relationship with your husband or your kids if the kids are allowed to pit one parent against the other. If they are going to live in your house, they are choosing to live according to the rules of the house and your husband should have a say with you in what those rules are.

So what if they are full time students? Respecting the rules of the house and contributing to the overall functioning of the house should be a non-negotiable MINIMUM expectations. If you don't expect that, and are you REALLY preparing them for a stable future?

I agree with Jen...it would be irritating and alot of pressure for someone to work hard to pay all the bills without help from the three adult children. My guess is he's as frustrated with you as you are with him and it's going to take a lot of work on both your parts to find common ground. Before you talk, maybe a few basis ground rules should be set (like use I statements, don't say "but", no interupting, commit to finding a resolution, etc) or you both may end up getting defensive and have an unproductive arguement.

Best wishes!

If the worst thing your child does is get a tattoo, I'd be grateful! For them it's a right of passage. If they are paying their bill and extras, I think at their ages charging rent is a little overboard especially if they are in school. It's not like they are sitting home doing nothing. If he wants to charge them rent, tell him then to save the money and when they are ready to move out they will have some extra money.

Hi F.,

If your daughter has a job that in which she is able to pay for her own bills and necessities, including getting a tattoo, I don't see why she wouldn't be capable of paying rent. (Just as long as it is with range of her living space) You can't consider this adult as a teenager anymore considering that she has already grown beyond that stage. As the saying goes in the house I grew up in,"In my house are my rules. If you dont like it, move out." I agree with your husband, paying rent sounds reasonable.

I dont mean to cause offense this is just my honest opinion.

If your daughter is a good kid, then I would tell him to back off! Sure you might not approve but she is almost 21 yrs old.

My niece is 20 yrs old and came home at 4am recently. My sister freaked out and wanted to give her a curfew. My niece is such a GOOD kid, goes to college full-time and works full-time. I told my sister to back off and let her be. Thankfully she followed my advice.

Sounds like there is a lot building up in your husband, considering the way he is acting. This is NOT just about the tattoo. He is pissed about a lot.

If I were you, I'd sit down with the kids alone and tell them they need to help out more and do their chores, if they are truly slacking.

Then I'd have a long chat with the hubby alone too. Let him know that you are also upset with your daughter but that it's not the end of the world because she is a good kid. Then ask him what's bugging him? Let him know that you know that he can't just be upset about the tattoo. Be willing to listen and hear what's on his mind. Sounds like a build up of a lot of things. Hope this helps.

I know once I graduated high school, I either had to go to college (didn't have to pay rent), or work and pay rent. Even after I graduated college, I had to pay rent for less than a year until my wedding. Granted, it was only $100 a month, but it was something, plus I did my own laundry and had other chores. If the older two are going to school, tell them that since they are in school, their "rent" is making sure their rooms are clean, give them chores to do, so they earn their keep. Giving them some responsibilities will prepare them for the future when they're out on their own, and your husband should understand that something is better than nothing.
Good luck!

First of all, you have not given enough information about the stories behind your children. Are they going to college and getting good grades? Do they have jobs and are able to move out? If they are college students and achieving a decent grade point average, then shame on your husband for expecting rent. I cannot name even one of my friends that paid rent while they were going to college and working hard for their degree. Now I did have a friend who chose not to go to college and they got a job right out of high school, and yes they did pay rent until they were able to move out and get their own place. As far as the tattoo, all I can say is wow, people can be so uptight. I can think of so many worse things that a child can do. A tattoo is not a big deal and I wish parents would be more thankful for how wonderful their kids are, instead of yelling at them all the time for such petty things. I have a friend who is dealing with her son who is an alcoholic and dropped out of school and is living at home. She would beg for dealing with just a simple tattoo right now. Your husband needs to relax and be thankful for having such wonderful kids.

The tattoo: let that one go. She's of age and able to make decisions about her body, wise or not. But, I can see a parent's point if he/she is working full-time to support a family and as one poster wrote, "able-bodied" kids who are old enough to contribute are not doing so and spending money, if could be said, frivolously, on body art. Going to school is hard work, but even full-time college schedules permit a kid to work 15-20 hours a week. And high school kids (18 year old?) should also be contributing to the family budget.

Working helps with organization of time as well as learning to be responsible regarding being on time, dressing appropriately, learning to communicate with others and perhaps learning a new skill. Anyone over 18 who lives at home and can work should contribute to rent and household expenses, even a full-time student. There could be an exception if school is overwhelming to a young person and they require all of their energy to get through that. But, otherwise, work is generally a very positive thing.

I worked through college and graduate school, too. Most people I know held at least a part-time job, even if just 5-10 hours a week.

As another posted wrote, you could take 20% of their paycheck, so if they work fewer hours during finals week, then that is okay, too. Or, just an agreed upon amount, such as $100-$150 per child per month to cover food, electricity and phone.

Good luck!

She's an adult and it's her body. If she needed surgery, she could consent, not you (and certainly not him.)

It sounds like maybe the house is getting a little cramped, and no wonder you're tired of the conflict. It doesn't sound like any fun for him, too. Any chance she can live away at school instead of with you?

If not, it seems like you and your husband need to discuss money and so on when the kids aren't around and not be changing the rules about rent without discussing it with each other. I'm sure he gets exasperated and loses his temper, but it's not very respectful to you to try to change the arrangement without asking you first. On the other hand, I can understand how aggravating it must be to come home from work to see a bunch of able-bodied, non-working adults hanging out if they aren't contributing much to the household! :-)

Maybe the kids can do some more to contribute to keep the peace around the house. Rent might sound like a lot to ask, but I paid my mom a small amount at that age (while working and going to college, which I paid for with loans.) It can be done, and I think it did a lot for my self-respect, even though what I contributed was pretty small. ($100 or $200 a month.)

I completely disagree with the charging of rent as a means of controlling your children. Your daughter is an adult and can certainly decide whether she wants a tatoo. You as a parent are free to express your opinions and give advice, but ultimately the decision was hers. Do you really want to give your daughter the feedback that she can do whatever she wants as long as she pays rent? Can you just imagine the scenario that she can have an "overnight guest" and everythings OK because she is paying rent? That's not really what hubby means, now is it?

Now, on to the next thing. You referred to your children, who are all technically adults, as teens who need to be constantly reminded to do things. I think perhaps your husband is wanting them to act like the adults they are. You and he need to sit down and discuss what house rules you would like to enforce. Then you need to present a united front to your children and state that those are the expectations you have for them. This may include clean rooms or common areas, buying groceries one week out of the month, paying a modest amount of rent, etc. All of these things should be thought out in terms of how they can foster responsibility in your children, and not as a form of punishment for getting a tattoo.

I have paid rent since my first job. It was 10% of my pay.(at first) My parents put the money in an account and since they never had a need for the money, I recieved it back when I went to buy my 1st home (condo). Charging rent is not bad, it teaches responsibility. Teach your kids that rent comes first and extras later. The amount of rent is up to you and your husband. The rule in our house is work full time or go to school, if you work full time you pay rent.

I'm only going to comment on the part of your question where you feel like you're being pulled in two directions by your children and your husband. Being a product of a child who had a mother and step-father, I strongly suggest that you make sure you don't pick sides and put your children first. My mother had always put me first or at least considered my wants/needs in her decisions prior to her getting married to my stepfather. Once she got married, that all went out the window. She always sided with him or chose to do what he wanted instead of thinking of how those decisions would impact me or including me in on decisions. It was very hurtful and to this day I still have an issue with getting very close to people without putting up barriers so that I don't get hurt again. I was a teenager when she got remarried although younger than your children. I would imagine though that the same feelings would come in to play. Just something to think about.

At 22, 20, and 18 years old, they are not children, they are adults. Legally - all of them. A 20 year old has the right to get a tattoo - it's her business. If she came home pregnant - that would be her business too. Let the tattoo go. I don't think your husband is mad about the tattoo. I think he is finally realizing he is supporting a house full of grown people. He shouldn't have to.

In this day and age, and with the present economy - even as full time students - they need to pay something into the household budget. Even if it's 25 dollars a week rent and 10 dollars a week towards groceries. They are grown and need to start acting like grown folk. If you keep referring to them as kids and treating them as dependents - you are going to have a house full of kids forever. Quit thinking of your grown children as kids. Think of them as able bodied young adults that need to be taking care of themselves. Your grown children need to realize that once they turned 18, you were not obligated to house them, feed them, clothe them or send them to college. They are getting all that stuff because you love them. They are good kids, they will understand they need to step up. If step dad has raised and supported them all this time, he's a keeper. Give him credit and talk to him about what is really bothering him and don't cut him off and use the grown children as a shield. Your grown children need to go to their father if they have issues and resolve them like adults instead of putting you in the middle. Your children are going to move out, your husband and you will be there together.
Do I think children come before all else - absolutely. But at this age, they need to understand they are jeopardizing your health with stress and act like grown folk.

Wow that is a tought one...i do think that paying rent for getting a tattoo is a little drastic. She didnt do anything illegal and she is a young adult. She pays her own bills and pays for anything she wants? I think making them pay for rent when you know they cant afford it might not be the way to go. As long as they are in school full-time and not roaming the streets or have issues with drugs/alcohol, i would cut them some slack. They are creating a future for themselves and need your help right now to continue doing that. I would discuss this further with your husband.
Good Luck!

I think your husband needs to realize that she is 20 and an adult. The rule when I was growing up was this, if you were 18 and out of high school and not going to college you paid rent. If you went to college, no rent, BUT you had to have a job and pay for your activities.

No offense, but your daughter is 20 - it is no one's business if she got a tattoo. She is old enough to make that decision for herself. Your husband is not being entirely unreasonable, if she is grown up enough for a tattoo, she is grown up enough for rent.

When my mom found out about my first piercing she asked me how much it cost. She then charged me that amount per month for rent. I was already paying my own bills (car, school, clothes, "wants" - everything). It seemed like a pretty good deal to me.

Hi fellow mama,

You are not overprotective! Your children are old enough to do as they like with their owm bodies! The problem is with your hubby -- was he always annoyed with their existence? Because he is now! Big-time! I hope you can keep a balance between his wishes and their needs. Right now he shoudl be backing off and letting you deal with your children. If they can't pay rent, he should not demand it -- and so forth. This is such a thicket, but hte rule of thumb should be my kids, my wishes. Period.

Good luck!
S. F.

In addition to the other advice, you should write down what you and husband agree upon so that there is no question what your next steps will be. Agree with the poster who said that charging rent and the tattoo are separate issues.

Sounds like you need to establish some new ground rules about living in your home with your husband and adult children.

My parents made it very clear that they did not approve of my piercings and tattoo's growing up, but also made it very clear that it was my body and I would have to live w/ it. Your husband needs to understand she's 20, of legal age to do a lot of things that he probably wouldn't approve of. And as long as it's not his money paying for the tattoo then there's not much he can do about it except make everyone's life in the house miserable. My parents also had a thing that if you went to college, no rent. But if you were working, rent, car insurance, and savings were required. He probably feels like he's starting to loose control w/ all of your children being of legal age now. He needs to respect them as adults or he will drive them away. I know from experience....

My 18 year old told me she wants to get a tattoo also. I went as far as going to the shop with her. We sat for a while and she decided she did not want to wait for it. This is a good thing. I've tried telling her that just because she wants it now at 18, at 30 it will be a bad rememberance. At 60 it will look ridiculous. Anyway to respond to your question. If they are good kids, and in every other instance they normally listen to you, you really can't do more. Your support and love will be there for them unconditionally. If they know that it's good. Your husband needs to listen to them and ask questions not demand. They will only run the other way. Good luck.

Hi F.,

I don't think you are being over-protective, but I also think discipline for your kids should be a joint compromise between your husband and you. It says that you have been married for ten years, so the kids know what to expect in your home with him. At this point, its not about taking sides, but establishing rules for yours and your husbands home and enforcing the rules together. If your kids think they can do whatever they want just because he isn't their father, then that breeds a lack of respect for him as an authority figure. I am assuming that your husband is a supportive and loving stepfather to your kids and doesn't treat them as if they are just "Your" kids. It sounds like you guys are going through some stressful times as a family (totally normal with teens and young adults) and you should deal with the issues as a family. I would sit down and have a talk first with your husband about what the house rules are. Then I would have a family meeting with everyone and lay down the law. What the rules are going to be and what the consequences for breaking them are to be. (decide on these with your husband) Then I would enforce the rules and consequences together. Adult and teenage children are no different then toddlers in that they will get away with what you let them. Even though her going out and getting a tattoo is not the end of the world, it is the point that she disobeyed you and showed that she doesn't have respect for your wishes regardless of the fact that she lives in your home. I am sure this is what your husband is reacting to. By you telling him that you should just ignore what she did, you are saying that he has no right to enforce the rules. I would try to start with a clean slate and put past offenses behind you. But, once you talk and decide on rules, then you have to back up your husband and enforce the rules and punishments. As you said, it is your job to get them educated and prepare them for real life. Well, part of real life is following the rules and paying the consequences when you don't. Teach them to respect your home and your wishes, at this age they are old enough to reason with and have respect for what you want. Good Luck!

I think the main thing here is that your husband is upset about the money he spends on your kids. I do not think the tatoo is such a big deal for a stepdad to make such a big fuss.
I am sorry that this is happening but sometimes this is a sad reality of remarriages. I can offer some advise that my friends with adult kids used in your situation succesfully. First, talk to your kids a tell them that they must obey some of his big rules while they take his money or make sure that he never finds out if they break some major rule. Small rules you can negotiate.

Explain to your kids how important it is to hug him and pay compliments to him especialy if he does something nice for them. Everyone wants to see they are appreciated and loved. He will be much less grumpy if he sees that you kids love him. Tell the girls to give him a hug now and then, at first they might find it difficult but it totaly works and they will soon give him hugs because he will be more likable and nicer to them.
Your kids should definitively clean after themselves and may be pay a small rent if they work. If the kid is in school and not working they should not pay rent.
Another thing you can do is to take the blame ocasionaly, for example saying "it is only a tatoo..." than he will be mad at you instead of the kids.
Last advise, stick with your husband, kids will grow up and leave. If you love the guy do not even think about "choosing" the kids and leaving.

Since you've been married to your husband for ten years, I am going under the assumption that he is the stepdad-oh just realized he is. AS he is the step-dad I have one of those situations and he kind of gets down on my eighteen year old now who is not really being a great kid,
he goes out late, etc. but he works and never misses a day. My husband started resenting taking on extra when he turned eighteen. I took care of myself at the age of eighteen and don't want my children to go through the trouble I went through, but my other son is in the service, my heart broke the day he left so young also 18 at the time, 24 now and one son is at home. He is kind of finding himself. He still really doesn't pay bills either. My husband also gets upset. I personally get upset about the late night stuff and whats related to that. But I am not going to throw him out and I want him to save his money for school. So I see your position. I don't want him to pay rent either. I find that if I kind of listen and understand husband's feelings he comes around. He feels that way but at this moment I do not want to change it. I always think that if my husband had had children with me (we tried and tried) then he wouldn't feel like this so much. The best we can do is understand that they have those feelings and perhaps work on another way that would make them feel valued and important. Hard to do when we love our children so much. I think it goes further than the money thing. They can be jealous of us sometimes putting our children first over them. AGain, I hate to admit it but I feel the way you do. So it's back to the drawing board and perhaps pointing out how much we love our spouses and remind them that the kids won't be with us forever and constantly enforcing that we understand how they feel. I'll try this myself. Sounds good as I write it.

They are not children any more, they are young adults. By this age they should not have to be reminded to clean their rooms or do their chores. As for rent it would not hurt 22yr old and the 20 year old to pay a small amount. It is a great way to help teach them about budgeting their money. If your daughter has enough money for a tattoo she is doing fine. When I first started working my parents had me pay $25.00 out of every check. I never questioned it. my daughters start getting a allowence when they went into jr high and had to buy all their own clothes etc.. They learned quickly if they spent all their money on a pair of $50.00 jeans, they would not have money to go out with their friends. Try to talk to your husband and come of withan agreement that you are both happy with.

I don't think the decision to pay rent or not should be connected to the tattoo. Paying rent shouldn't be a punishment for behavior that the parent doesn't like. The truth is I believe at 20 yrs of age she has the right to get a tattoo. She can vote and serve in the armed forces yes? She could also pay rent if that is viable, but if she is going to school, it might make more sense to put the money to that. I'm not clear on the financial situation. This sounds more like a power struggle and your husband is the one creating the struggle actually. 20 yr old kids are going to be more independent. You can't treat her like a 16 yr old. However, if she is behaving in ways that are disruptive of the house and spending a bunch of money on junk, then yeah, she should start paying rent or move to her own space. But be prepared for her to move out.
You and hubby might need counseling for power issues. Men get all bent about that. But he's not the king of the house...or is he? These issues are harder with step parents inevitably.