What Do You Think?? a No Bikini Policy??

Updated on July 11, 2013
M.W. asks from Fremont, CA
61 answers

I was sitting at lunch today with some friends. One woman, who I had just met, asked a question regarding swimsuits. You see...I have a swimming pool and she just moved to our town into a home with a swimming pool. She asked me what I do if people come to our home to swim wearing skimpy swimsuits.

I told her that I do not make a big deal about it. I want my kids to see that there are lots of wonderful people in the world that don't have the same ideas,opinions or views as me. I want my kids to feel comfortable in those situations..and not single others out according to appearance. Sometimes when we focus too much on something...it brings more attention to it than if we had just ignored it in the first place.

She would like to institute a no bikini rule at her home. This caught me off guard because I have never heard of that...or ever thought of doing that. I have rules for my own kids regarding how much skin they show but I never have thought of passing that on to anyone else..even though they come to MY home to swim.

What would you think if your daughter went swimming at a friend's home and they had a no bikini rule. Or your daughter was asked to wear a t-shirt over their suit while at their home? Or asked that the next time they come that they need to wear a more modest swimsuit?

Just want a random sampling of opinions from you all if the topic ever comes up again. I am interested personally because I have lots of people over to our home and this has never come up before.

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So What Happened?

Wow...I never dreamed I would get so many responses. Thank you!

Many of you gave very thoughtful and honest opinions..sometimes brutally honest. But I appreciate them all.

I don't understand this new "First world problem" answer I have been seeing lately. When did that start?? Learning to understand another's opinion is a universal problem that more could use a lesson or two on. Might make our world a better place?! Yes..we live in a first world nation. I don't deal with issues regarding my child having measles,diphtheria or rubella. I do not have to walk 5 miles to the nearest watering hole to get water. I don't have to worry about where my next meal will come from. I don't send my children off to fight in tribal wars. We live in a developed nation...we will have first world problems. I appreciate all that understand that fact and gave an answer anyway.

I really appreciate that some of you tried to get in this woman's head to understand that maybe she has some insecurities, an unfaithful husband or sons that she wants to help to keep hormones in check. She seems very nice. She is a pretty lady.

If this topic ever comes up again if I am around her then I can share some possible reactions from parents to this policy.

I personally don't like the tent like t-shirt vision. Maybe have some cute rash guards on hand to pass out. Or maybe mention it before hand so girls can be prepared and come knowing the rule or opt to stay home. I think that shaming your guest and singling her out would do more harm than good in a situation like this.

Thank you again for your insight, honesty and stories.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

If someone had a no bikini rule, then that's her home and her choice. She should be respectful and upfront about it - and then you have the choice to accept or decline the invite. It's no worse than the community pool with a "must wear an actual suit and no, you may not wear a thong" rule. If you do not know her well enough to know this upfront, then that's a whole different thread.

I never thought I'd have to take anybody aside but occasionally I have asked SD to loan her friend a pair of shorts, or had to scramble for appropriate shoes for an outing, or I've had to ask teens to cover their underwear. It's a matter of respect.

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R.X.

answers from Houston on

I would LOVE to swim there as it would be just that-- a nice, clean outting without all of the body comparisons.

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D.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

WOW - I did not own a bathing suit other than a bikini until I was 17 or 18. I would find such a rule insulting - and strange.

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More Answers

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Her pool her rules.
If anyone wants to have an all skinny dipping rule at their home, they can do that too.
The point is, do you have any standards about what guests do in your home that make you uncomfortable, and if someone IS making you uncomfortable, do you say anything about it?
I would.
It's my home.
I don't go into other people's yards and pee on their petunias.
Like it or not, some people find nudity (or near nudity) to be offensive.
So if they don't like it - in their own home - they get to set their own rules - and I would be OUT OF LINE saying that their rule is stupid because I set my own rules in my home just like everyone else.
If you don't like it, then don't go there.
Maybe that's the whole point of her rule - she doesn't want to be overrun with people dropping by to use her pool.

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S.K.

answers from Houston on

So you wouldn't be upset if a woman walked out wearing a string bikini with her girls hanging out in front of your husband? I would!! Maybe this woman had that happen. Maybe she has hormonal teenage boys.

Her house. Her rules. I don't think it is a big deal to ask people to wear modest bathing suits at her house.

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F.I.

answers from Columbus on

I like the rule. A couple years ago when my daughter went to band camp they had rules about the types of swimsuits girls could wear; it might have been no bikinis but whatever it was I thought it was appropriate. There were 8th graders and seniors at the camp and nearly 100 students, some with "raging hormones" without their parents around. No need to add fuel to the fire. So like others have said, context is important.

Ultimately though, the reason doesn't matter, she enforcing modesty at her house. What is so crazy about that? It's not like she saying "you can only wear string bikinis at my house," that's something I would find problematic. Her house her rules. People take their shoes off when they enter my house and if you don't want to take your shoes off, don't come over.

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N.W.

answers from Eugene on

My son just went to a teen pool party where they have a policy that all the teens, girls and guys, must wear tshirts over their swimsuits. It's their house and their pool so they get to make the rules. I haven't heard of any kids complaining about it. Teens tend to be self conscious about their bodies, this probably reduces some of the pressure about how they look.

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L.R.

answers from Washington DC on

I think her reasons for the policy are important here. Someone posted that she asks her older kids' friends to cover up because she has boys of an age where having girls' breasts and bottoms showing is a bad idea; that seems like a very good reason for parents to institute a no-bikini or must-cover-up policy to me. You don't say why this woman in your story wanted to do a no-bikini policy; she might have a situation like the person who posted, or she might be particularly conservative regarding dress in all situations, not just at the pool, or she might have other reasons....We don't know. But context does matter, so it's not right, to me, to say a blanket "bad idea" to her policy without knowing why she wants to do it.
For myself, I would not be upset at such a policy at a friend's home pool; I'd abide by her policy at her home.

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L.A.

answers from Austin on

Good grief.

Being a good hostess is not embarrassing or hurting other peoples feelings.

That being said, being a good guest is not embarrassing the host.. So I would hope people would not wear a scandalous bathing suit, men or women.. But some people look just fine in a 2 piece or bikini..

My husbands family has a lake house and in all of these years (50+ yrs.) they have never had a problem with too skimpy.. that is just not the type of people we are friends with.. Lots of 2 piece and bikinis.. men and women.. but all very tasteful.

That is like me saying I would not allow people at my house wearing shorts. Sure, some look great, but some can look raunchy.. I know my friends are not the latter. So I would not worry about the bathing suit issue.

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B..

answers from Dallas on

I wouldn't care, it's her house.

I would be fine with a no obscene clothing rule in my own home. Swimsuits should be clothing. Tiny pieces of fabric, that cause your parts to be hanging out all the time...are not clothing. (There ARE bikinis like this. I was at a pool last week and a lady swam by me, and I got a freaking face full of her boobs falling out of her skimpy top.) I don't have a pool, but I see where she is coming from. If people don't like it, they don't have to be friends with her. We all have choices. She has the choice to do what she wants in her home. People have the choice to do what they want elsewhere.

**Obviously, not all two pieces are created equal. I'm talking about really skimpy, obscene suits. And...yes...that would include men wearing suits with their junk hanging out.

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C.M.

answers from Chicago on

Her pool, her rules. Personally I don't choose bikinis for my 12-year old because I don't care for them on little kids. The tops are made for someone with boobs and they are made to show a lot of skin. I don't find them "sexualizing" as much as I find it unnecessary. Also, my daughter has seen her fair share of friends with their bikini tops riding up that she doesn't even want one.

That being said, I wouldn't PERSONALLY force that opinion on others by making that rule for my pool. But hey, it's her house, she can do what she wants!

We have a rule of no swearing in our house. We also have a rule of no shoes inside the house. I have a rule of no hats and the dinner table and everyone must wear a shirt during meals at the table. If you don't like it, then don't come over!

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G.W.

answers from Dallas on

Wow, I am almost scared to admit that I am a fan of modesty after seeing some of these frankly, for lack of a better word, hostile responses. People are entitled to feel how they do about any topic without being blasted so harshly. I did a women's Bible study a few years ago on marriage and one of the points that really struck me was not to wear clothing that would cause a man to take his eyes away from his wife and put them on me. That may not be a light bulb thought for everyone, but it was for me. For that reason, I value modesty tremendously. I have an almost 15 year old daughter that has the body for a bikini (and actually owns a few) but only wears them in a family situation when she wants to get a little more tan on her stomach. I honestly don't think she would wear it in front of other's because she is very modest as well. It doesn't mean she is ashamed of her body but she doesn't feel the world needs to see all that extra skin.

That being said, I would certainly respect this woman's requests because that is what a polite guest does. If she asks you to take off your shoes at the front door, then you do it. If she prefers not to be exposed to so much skin (or have her kids exposed to it) then I don't find that too hard of a request to honor. I don't believe that makes her judgmental or a prude or old fashioned or a religious fanatic. We all have things that we value more than other folks and for her, modesty is high on her list. It's' a shame that so many of you would refuse to be friends with someone like that. Like I said, I am modest but am also what most of my friends consider funny, nice and a good person to be around. I am not a drinker but am friends with many drinkers. Sometimes they drink around me (which I am fine with) and sometimes they abstain because they are my friends and respect me enough to know they don't ALWAYS need to drink when we are together.

It's amazing people are so offended by this.

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I don't allow the kids to wear bikini's and anyone I would be inviting to my house to swim would know me well enough to know that I feel our kids are taught how to respect themselves. I think that kids today get told way too often that wearing next to nothing out in public is not acceptable.

I have a friend who was raised in a very strict LDS home. No shorts above the knee, no skin showing on the body torso like sleeveless or low cut, etc....

When she went off to college she still held on to her modesty and always acting in a respectful way in all area's. She told her mom one time about being at a football game. There were a bunch of guys putting their legs across the walkway and not letting any of the girls go by. This friend came up on the guys and each and every one of them saw it was her and that sat up and moved their legs out of her way. She was able to pass without crude comments and with them each nodding hello to her. The girls saw how they acted around my friend. They asked the guys why they did that with her and not them.

They said "She acts like a lady. She doesn't dress like you and she is respects herself". So by how she dressed and carried herself people acted differently towards her.

I feel it is my responsibility to do my best to teach the kids to be respectful to themselves and by dressing in an appropriate way they are telling the world they care about how they are perceived by others.

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B.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

Interesting question. I read through all 50 answers and was surprised at some of the comments about "Its my bathing suit and no one is going to tell me what to wear" kind of thing.

I'm allergic to tobacco smoke. On my front door is a sign that says, "Thank you for not smoking in our happy home." I made a friend that smoked when he wasn't at work. When he saw my sign, he asked why and I told him. He never smoked in our home. Then he asked my wife to dinner and games at his home. He showed me a sign he had made for his front door. It said, "We are nudists. If nudity offends you, please don't come in." I thanked him for his dinner invitation, but we probably be too embarrassed to have a nice time. So I turned him down.

His pool was skinny dipping only. How many of you would "Do as the Romans do" and discard your swimsuit and go skinny dipping? His pool, his rules? Reading your responses and thinking of his preferences kind of puts a different light on the subject. Would you and your spouse and kids to take your swimsuits off and go skinny dipping?

For me and mine . . . if we were told not to wear a bikini, or to take our shoes off and leave them by the front door, or cover up with a T-shirt, we would do it. If we were told to leave our swimsuits on the fence and go skinny dipping, we probably would thank them and we would not go swimming or we would leave.

Like I said, interesting question. Good luck to you and yours.

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J.B.

answers from Boston on

I'd love it!

I hate when my older kids have friends over to swim (they're 15) and the girls are practically naked. I have two younger boys who don't need to have teenage cleavage and butt cheeks in their faces. There are tasteful, fun two-piece swimsuits and then there are ones that are just ill-fitting and trashy. Luckily the only times we've had guests who were dressed much too skimpily for my taste were at evening pool parties where my younger kids weren't present. But for daytime swimming where my younger kids, their friends and sometimes those friends' parents are around, I will tell my older kids who are inviting a girl friend over to give them a head's up that I'd appreciate it if they keep our other guests in mind and wear something on the conservative side. So far everyone given that request has shown up in something appropriate - still usually a bikini, but not something teeny tiny and trashy looking. But if someone showed up in something that I thought was too revealing, I would have no problem having my child offer the friend a rash guard or shorts to cover up.

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A.A.

answers from Tulsa on

I may be in the minority here, but if someone is nice enough to let me or mine swim in their pool then I would be happy to follow their rule regarding skimpy suits (assuming I was told in advance and not kicked out after I show up). Personally it doesn't matter since I'm not much into rocking the bikinis I did with my pre-baby body. I figure, it's their house and their rules. If I didn't want to comply, then I wouldn't go swimming there.

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J.S.

answers from Hartford on

This isn't as simple as "her house her rules." She doesn't have the right to tell people that don't live with her how to dress, even for swimming in her pool. If someone shows up to swim in a suit she doesn't like then she doesn't have to invite them over again but someone shouldn't have to buy a whole new suit or be made to feel uncomfortable over a perfectly acceptable choice in bathing attire. The only way I can imagine she would be justified is if nippage were peeking out of the top or genitals were visible through the bottom somehow.

What would she do if someone showed up in a cropped tank top and Daisy Duke shorts? Refuse them entry to her home?

Besides, there are plenty of one piece suits that could considered extremely "inappropriate" by your friend's standards.

None of my daughters would wear a t-shirt over their suits. I wouldn't force them to honor such a silly request. If a friend of mine ever asked them I'd have no problem telling my friend to get over herself and teasing her about such a silly non-issue. But I have good friends that way that can take a good ribbing.

EDIT: And for what it's worth, I allow my daughters to wear two piece bathing suits but not bikinis. I think bikinis are ridiculous on little girls and most teens don't have the judgment to choose something that looks or fits appropriately.

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K.F.

answers from Salinas on

My family would likely have no interest in swimming at her house.

Not because she banned bikinis but becuase she sounds like a controlling, pious, prude who wouldn't be much fun anyway. People like that usually have a lot of rules for their friends and guests to follow.

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B..

answers from Dallas on

Her house, her rules.

Most people seem to say that at most times, unless it conflicts with their way of thinking.

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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

I think if it is her yard she is able to make her own rules. If she is not comfortable with that much skin it is her yard others are totally within there rights to not swim at her home. I nanny for a family. they have a no bikini rule. kids can swim in 2 pc suits if they are the tankini things but no skimpy body baring suits. and lets face it some people where bikini's who should not. if she doesn't want to see it in her own yard more power to her. If more people stood up for their own beliefs our world would not be going to hell in a handbasket

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R.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

Ditto Bug. This woman has a right to her house rules, I'm not paying her mortgage.

Which reminds me, a few days ago I saw a photo of Neil Patrick Harris with a caption something to the effect that if people have a problem/judgement with/of his lifestyle, he wanted to know what bill of his the person would be paying this month. Made sense to me.

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E.A.

answers from Erie on

I question the morality of people who cannot handle seeing other people's bodies. It must be some huge hang-up she has to need others to cover up for her benefit. My own boys do not "ogle" women or teen girls, because they have been taught not to stare, it's rude. They don't stare or make comments about anyone's appearance, it's bad manners and has little to do with "don't look at her body!"

That said, my daughter prefers one piece suits because they don't ride up and are easier to swim in, as well we all have very very fair skin, so the less exposed to the sun during the hours of 10-3, the better. But it's only for that reason, not because we adhere to some artificial modesty rule.

I'd let people swim naked if they wanted. First world problem, indeed.

eta
I didn't point out it was a FWP to be rude. But it is what it is, and it was just an acknowledgement that sometimes in our culture our issues are aesthetic, because we are privileged enough to not have the problems of the third world. It's meant to bring the reader around to the idea that by not taking these things (like who has the right to make a rule about proper attire at their POOL) too seriously, we can discuss them without argument. Because you have to agree, this IS a first world problem, it being a chlorinated pool in someone's back yard. It doesn't mean it's a non-issue or not a problem, if you read it that way, you'll miss the writer's intent.

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L.M.

answers from Dover on

If it's a two piece, no problem. If it's a skimpy bikini, I MAY say something (like if it were a thong or overly skimpy). Otherwise, I wouldn't say anything.

I do think that people should consider their fellow guests or hosts/those also in attendance. Such as when we went to my daughter's pre-k class end of year pool party. All the moms had either a tankini (most with a skirt style bottom) or one piece (which I dislike for myself because they are a hassle when going to the bathroom). One mom (possibly the oldest mom) who is very "image conscience" to say the least, was wearing a bikini that was a style I had when was about 16 (definately not for a 45-50 year old old) and the top was a bit too small for her "artificial boobs". She was wearing a hair extension ponytail and lots of jewelry. Acting very prissy and making a big to do about not wanting to be squirted with the squirt toys SHE brought to the party. Clearly she was seeking and receiving attention....definately not wearing proper suit for this function.

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T.F.

answers from Dallas on

Well if someone wanted to place rules for me and my daughter... I'd opt out if going to their house. We are not nudist, etc but we're far from that prudish attitude and that type would not be our friend anyway.

NO ONE dictates what I wear. If they are that high, mighty and perfect then we don't need to be around them.

We prefer to hang out with normal people who are not so judgmental and pretentious.

I'm sorry for that neighbor... Clueless.

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

LOL she sounds like one of those people who finds rock and roll the to be "devil's" music.
Not a person I'd want to hang out with THAT'S for sure.
And I wouldn't send my kids over there either. Her husband's probably some kind of deviant. That's why she's so uptight!

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T.M.

answers from Tampa on

I would think that it was pretty stupid frankly. I would also consider it pretty rude to try to dictate to people what they can or cannot wear. If someone wore something that was just THAT obscene to my home, I would just probably not invite them back.

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K.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

I've said it before and I'll say it again - People who "answer" your question by telling you it's a First World Problem are incredibly rude. A question is a question and an issue is an issue, regardless of whether it's something people living in tribal Africa or the jungles of South America, or the slums of India have to deal with or not. I like your SWH in response to that. People here are just rude and think highly of themselves.

ANYWAY, about the bikini rule - I think the woman has the right to say what type of bathing suits she allows in her home. People have all kinds of different reasons for dressing a certain way or for deciding what behaviors are acceptable in their homes. An Asian family may ask everyone to remove their shoes. A Muslim family may ask women to cover their heads. If this women doesn't want people wearing bikinis, that's her right.

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C.F.

answers from Portland on

I would feel very insulted and would suggest they go to a public swimming pool next time.
Or come to my house from then on.
I personally have not bought my daughter a bikini, but I don't think it is appropriate for them to tell her what she can or can not wear.
I agree with everything you said.

I don't usually associate with people that controlling & conservative.

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J.B.

answers from Houston on

You know I had a friend whose mom was like this, I thought it was really weird. Actually her rule was all girls wore t-shirts with whatever suit and no bikini ever allowed even under the t-shirt. Weird. Swimming in a t-shirt is cumbersome, that's why swim suits are used for crying out loud. I always use a tankini bc it's easy to use the restroom. I did know this rule of course and would have never gone over there to swim. Way too controlling for me. If I was somewhere to swim and was asked to cover up, I would opt out of swimming and not go back. I would not impose this kind of rule at my house, it's just the human body, why so tense over it? Not my thing.

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O.O.

answers from Kansas City on

Sounds like a control freak to me.
We have a pool.
I would never dream of dictating the apparel of other people.
I think that I would seriously question the character of anyone that spawned an idea like that! Sorry. I find it very odd.

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K.D.

answers from Jacksonville on

Its her house, so she can make the rules. But, I don't think I'd let my child hang out at a place where she may be made to feel ashamed of her body. As long as her private bits are still private, that's all that matters to me. My daughter only wears bikinis. Hates one pieces. I buy her age appropriate (she's nine) bikinis and she looks cute in them!

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M.J.

answers from Milwaukee on

Oh my what a first world problem.

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C.C.

answers from San Francisco on

Wow. Who died and anointed her Fashion God? Both of my girls own bikinis, and I really don't see what the big deal is with that. If I'm okay with what my kids are wearing, why would anyone else feel the need to pass judgment on that? I think it's unspeakably rude to make a guest in one's home feel ashamed, which is exactly what your friend is proposing to do.

My other question would be: does she intend to make boys cover their stomachs, or just girls? Is the male stomach less offensive than the female stomach to her? And if so, why?

Anyway, I don't even know this woman, but I'm offended by her attitude that it's even a little bit socially acceptable to dictate what guests wear to her home. How overbearing and obnoxious.

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P.R.

answers from Cleveland on

I wouldn't have a problem with it. Seems like it would lighten pressure on any teens going about how they look. I see teen girls in skimpy bathing suits constantly adjusting them and posing and it's just ridiculous. Painful for them and for me to watch. The girls aren't being themselves at all bc they seem so focused on their damn bathing suits. And maybe the mom has teen sons and wants to skip them trying not to stare. I'm not a prude or real,religious and I certainly drink but I think the bikini stuff is ridiculous. I honestly think some of the girls might be happy to not be so self conscious for a while. And or maybe have to rely on their PERSONALITY while at the pool vs posing and adjusting their suits constantly. Btw. I'm attractive so this isn't sour grapes. I just dread my girls being old enough for this and think I'd be thrilled if they were going swimming at a house that demanded modesty so there was no peer pressure for a day.

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

Okay, so what the heck would she do in my State and her bikini rules?
There are beaches here aplenty and pools aplenty.
People of ALL shapes and sizes and ages and adults AND kids, who wear bikinis. Even Grandmas.
Men too.
Bikinis.... come in a WIDE range of styles.
It is not always "skimpy."
Some are, some are not.

Good grief, the woman is puritanical.

If she has such a hang-up about bikinis... what they heck kind of underwear does she wear herself?
And does she dress all buttoned up to the neck? And wears long sleeves not even showing her wrists?

But it is her house/pool.

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C.M.

answers from Washington DC on

if someone told me or my daughter that they couldn't wear a bikini to swim at their house, then I just wouldn't swim at their house. No big deal. I'm not going to go out and spend extra money on a more modest bathing suit to wear only a couple times when they invite me over. We can hang out other ways than swimming.

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B.

answers from Augusta on

I would say yay! it's about time! I would have no problem following this rule. people show too much skin these days.
Watch this video. I love how she presents this . and I love her designs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJVHRJbgLz8

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S.J.

answers from St. Louis on

Ah, societal rules.....

Since when is showing the human body NOT acting like a lady or being disrespectful? We are animals, people. Nudity, and especially bathing suits, shouldn't be offensive!

Of course if someone showed up in nipple pasties and doing a strip dance, I might object. THAT is sexualizing the body. Wearing a normal bikini is not.

Now, either way, if someone has rules about this sort of thing, I WOULD teach my daughter if she chooses to go, she must respect their house rules, and she better not say a word negative about it. They can make whatever rules they like. It is up to me and my daughter to decide whether my daughter goes and if she does, she must listen to the parents.

I would, however, have a problem with someone saying something to my daughter about the way she dresses, espeically without me present. Children are so impressionable and my daughter is a very well-behaved, respectable girl. If someone gave her a complex because of a stupid comment about her otherwise appropriate yet not approved by this weird mom attire, I would not be happy. I would also NOT be ok with this woman telling me, as a grown adult, what I can and cannot wear. The kids, that is a different story.

You note lots of people have been over to your home to swim and this topic has never come up. That is because normal people don't discuss this. There has to be some serious control or other issues, perhaps extremely low self esteem, that is causing this woman to even consider instituting such a rule. Please understand, I am not saying she cannot feel uncomfortable around people in bikinis. But she is taking it to another level by making it a rule. Again, her house, her rules, but she has to realize the reaction she will likely get is going to be negative, or at the very least, puzzled. The fact she is willing to go there is somewhat odd, imo.

I bet this lady is fat and ugly. Just saying. And what a joy she must be to live with!

ps - my daughter would have zero issue wearing a one piece or a cover up - she has both.

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M.C.

answers from Washington DC on

I prefer my daughter to have a 1 piece so that rule wouldn't bother me, but to be fair, would there be a rule for the guys also about the length of their swim trunks?

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

I think the rule is silly. I think a lot like you do, and I also want my kids to know that the human body is nothing to be ashamed of. It is strange how uptight many in this country are about someone showing a little skin when in many countries half the people would be nude and no one would think anything of it!

If it was my child being asked to cover up I would tell her to follow the rules of the house, but I would not go buy her a new suit for that one house so if she did not want to wear a shirt she would more then likely just not go to that house to swim anymore. I would leave that choice up to her.

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D..

answers from Miami on

Well, it will be interesting to see how things end up for her. She may find that she offends people so much that she'll enjoy her pool all by herself.

I've never wanted a pool in my yard, but if I had one, I'd be hard pressed to comment on anybody's swim suit unless it kept coming off. An adult would be embarrassed enough to get a new suit. If it were a child's suit that came off, I'd let the mom know that the suit keeps falling off and I'm sure we'd laugh about it and a different suit would come the next time.

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S.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

I would think that they're making too much of a fuss about girls in swimming costumes. It would make me very uncomfortable and I would probably back away from that friendship.

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J.K.

answers from Kansas City on

well I feel it is up to the person, who owns the pool to make their rules. It's really only fair. BUT I think "regular" bikinis are OK, and if someone came to my house in a bikini, that was just a string if you know what I mean, I may ask them to put some more clothes on too. I wouldn't break up a friendship over it though.. And I don't think it is "judging" either. I'm tired of people saying others judge them simply because they have a different opinion.

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V.P.

answers from Columbus on

I would teach my daughter that when she is at someone else's house, she respects their rules, even if she thinks the rules are ridiculous. If she doesn't like the rules, she doesn't have to go back.

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K.L.

answers from Washington DC on

That's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. I know there are some ridiculously skimpy suits out there (like the one who got a boob-ful was talking about) but honestly, the kind of person that wears something like that is probably not someone I'm really close friends with in the first place. So no rule would be necessary if I had my own pool. I do wear a bikini, btw. It covers all my parts :)

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P.K.

answers from New York on

I would say, their pool, their rules. If you want to swim follow the rules.

I do not think she is talking about two piece suits, I think she means the string bikinis.

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C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

Their house, their rules. Personally, I wouldn't care if you came to my house and wanted to skinny-dip.
In my house, I dress the way I want. If my short shorts and halters offend you, don't come over.
I don't allow certain words in my home, such as "nigger" or "faggot." The first time you say it, you get a warning - "We don't use those words in this house." The second time, you are escorted to the door. If you can't speak about black people or gay people without using those words, stay home.
Likewise, if you have a dress code or other rules that I simply cannot abide, I will not come to your house.
I would not go out and buy her another swimsuit to fit their modesty criteria. If she wanted to swim there, she could wear a t-shirt over her suit to appease them.

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V.B.

answers from Jacksonville on

I think that, like many things in life, it depends upon the details. Does this woman have teen boys who invite teen girls over to swim, who have a tendency to flaunt their bodies in front of them? Does she have a husband who strayed in the past and doesn't want other women strutting around with boobs bouncing? Has she had a bad experience somewhere where a skimpy suit accidentally came off after a dive into the water? Has she been shocked before by someone she thought was very conservative showing up in a barely there suit and it made her husband uncomfortable?

You don't know.

You just don't know. So, don't sweat it. Like Sfromtx said, it is her house; she gets to make the rules. If you don't like them, don't be offended; just don't go to her house. Or invite her to yours where YOU get to decide the rules.

Would you be offended if she instituted a no thong rule? Or a no speedo rule for men? Would you be offended if she asked you to remove your shoes at her door? Would you be offended if someone refused to remove their shoes at your door, upon your request?
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Oh, and for what it's worth, we have a pool (8th summer this year) and I do not have any such rule about swimsuits. I do have rules about running around the pool, and dunking and roughhousing in the water, though. And if you don't follow them, you will find yourself sitting on the side of the pool, on the patio, or asked to leave. My house, my rules.

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C.W.

answers from Santa Barbara on

Well, this is one party I could get out of. It sounds like she has control issues and I can only imagine the evil eyes she gives she gives her husband at the grocery.

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C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

I would tell her - thanks...and leave. I understand the "my house, my rules". I would respect it and go home. No hurt feelings.

Not like I would wear a bikini anyway...but really? The problem with this is what YOU consider "modest" another may consider wwwaaayyy to sexy...or show too much skin.

I would ask just what she considers "modest" and too much skin.

We went to a water park yesterday....there were two women wearing burkha's and it was 95 degrees....then there were young girls wearing things **I** wouldn't wear. It takes all kinds!!

You and I would do the same thing and think the same way in this instance.

Good luck!

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E.T.

answers from Albuquerque on

I think I'd probably tell my daughter to find new friends if she was asked to wear certain clothes or bathing suits. I just don't need that kind of drama and judgement, nor would she!

That said, if someone came over to my house wearing super skimpy clothing would probably not be invited back. Clothes reflect a person's values and I prefer to associate with people who have similar ones to mine (which means I'm suspicious of people who like their parts hanging out just as much as those who feel the need to preach about covering up).

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C.S.

answers from Las Vegas on

Once at Thanksgiving dinner my sisters friend hopped over the baby gate, pulled the flipped end of her skirt down, covered her mouth and said oops. No panties.

We didn't make any mandatory panty rules, but I made it a point not to be around her any longer.

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S.B.

answers from Houston on

Her house, her rules. Yes, I would follow them but that's not an issue because I am very modest in my bathing suit attire. However, my daughter does wear bikinis and if she was asked to wear a t-shirt she would have no issue.

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J.C.

answers from New York on

I think it's a crazy rule but to each their own. I'd abide by it. I think it would be a good teaching lesson for my daughter to follow the rules.

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W..

answers from Chicago on

I think it would mean they are uptight and I probably would not be friends with them. Not because of the no-bikini rule but because we clearly have different values.

A bikini is just fabric in a pattern.

I don't equate a bikini with the sexualization of women, which, if I'm reading between the lines correctly, your friend does.

I might choose to not associate with someone based on their behavior while they were wearing a bikini.... But it wouldn't be the bikini's fault.

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J.T.

answers from New York on

With 60 answers, you need 1 more! I think it's fine. I guess it depends on the ages of the kids... I don't think a bikini on a little girl is an issue at all. They're so cute. 14-17 year olds can be different. I don't think I'm overly modest but somehow it makes me a bit uncomfortable to be around a lot of girls that age falling out of their bikini tops... And if she has teenage boys, I definitely can see her reasoning. So her house - fine for her to say she wants people covering up a certain amount and a blanket no bikini rule is much easier than getting into details on what type of bikini. I think some are fine but most I see are too skimpy and no way can she start screening at the door. I think it's easier on girls that age to in a way have dress codes enforced on them. Their bodies can be pretty mature but they're not mature themselves yet. They're still figuring out how they want to be and taking away an opportunity to perhaps be inappropriate just gives them time to grow into their bodies. In a way I think it'd be great if there was a no bikini policy for all girls every where between the ages of 14 and 17! Let them be adults before they feel pressured into showing their bodies before they actually are adults. I think there's a lot of pressure to wear bikini's. I don't have kids this old yet so I'm not sure but seeing virtually every girl in that age group in a rather skimpy bikini makes me think there is some pressure. Not all the girls actually have bikini bodies... So I'd be fine with this rule and if I knew my teen daughter was going to a big swim party there with boys, I'd probably be kind of glad.

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C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

I do not agree with that rule. It's just a swimsuit. I honestly think bodies are just bodies and they come in all shapes and sizes. It would not bother me if someone wore something skimpy. I'd say, more power to them if they feel comfortable doing that! I guess your new friend is very uncomfortable with bodies and flesh and whatnot. Where I used to live in Alaska everyone used to sauna nude and even occasionally skinny dip!...she would have a hard time with that! If someone invited me over and told me that rule I would think they are nuts and I'd probably not hang out with them too much.

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R.P.

answers from Sacramento on

I wouldn't go over their house to swim! Too many rules......how about no running because you could fall or don't pee in the pool rule or you can't swim nude? Maybe if it was a "no thong" in the pool rule , but even then people can wear what they want to swim in and tan whatever part of their body they want. This woman may have a problem with her own body and anyone showing her up is not allowed?

Accept what people choose to wear in the pool or don't invite them to swim.

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B.B.

answers from New York on

I would think that rule is stupid. In most parts of the world, women sunbathe topless. I personally do not but really, what is the big deal. If a woman came over and she looked really tacky like falling out of her swimsuit I would wonder why she wore it but whatever. This woman you are talking about sounds self ritious. She clearly has a very specific world view, not sure I would take the friendship beyond a very superficial level. Sounds like she is trying to control people around her.

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☼.S.

answers from San Diego on

What timing! I was just posting this article on my FB debate page:

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/full-figured-mis...#

My daughter wears tankinis or one pieces, but I would *never* institute a rule like that at my house and probably wouldn't associate with someone who did.

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A.B.

answers from San Francisco on

I only have a son. If I did have a daughter though, I wouldn't mind if she was asked to wear a 1 piece or t-shirt. It would be much better if the rule was presented before though! I would die if someone said to me, after the fact, to next time dress more modestly! I personally, only wore a 1 piece until I was 21; then I got a bikini for a girls trip to HI. All my friends had bikinis and I would have felt a little awkward in a 1 piece actually. However, in high school we could wear whatever we wanted for PE and none of the girls opted for a bikini. Maybe because they could have been teased by the boys. I know some women feel more comfortable in them! My friend wore one all through her pregnancies because she said they were what she's used to. Some might be a little offended by the rule, but there wouldn't be any harm done by it.
I am for modesty though. My sister is definitely for it. However, she said once she thinks when women are all covered (like in a burka) it may make boys too anxious to catch a glimpse. Like if a boy never saw a woman's ankle and then he saw a woman in shorts it might create lust. But in our society today, bikinis are kind of the norm and usually aren't a big deal. I wouldn't have a 1 piece rule if I had a pool! Still as may people have said, her pool, her rules! And I would still want to go to her house! No biggie.

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