What Do You Do When Someone Invites Themselves to a Family Function

Sorry, but I would have assumed he was invited. Personally, I would have pulled you aside and asked if he could come, but I would have assumed you would say, "Absolutely!"

He's not just her boyfriend, they live together. They might not be legally married, but they are making a life together. He's not just her roommate.

I think you need to include him. Who knows, as you spend some time with him you might decide you like him afterall. Give him a chance.

You said you wanted to "do it again." (The vacation)

Would you really expect her to come without the man she's living with?
Or were you just not going to invite her either?

Sounds like they're a package deal. If you were talking about the vacation, I don't think it's odd he assumed he'd be invited too, do you?

Sorry but I'm old fashioned.
He's not family till they are married.
If they are already connected at the hip - then you might want to reconsider inviting her at least until after the wedding.
Then you'll have to put up with him since he'll then be family.
But until that happens - no, you don't have to put up with him.

You don't think it was a little rude to discuss having your family trip in front of the live in boyfriend? They are a couple, they live together, in some circles as man and wife without the strings. You opened the door. What can you say at this point, only family we like?

Since they are living together, I think it would be rude to only invite your your cousin. They are a package deal!

Also, if you were discussing the trip in front of him, I can see why he would have thought he was invited.

Honestly, I think you are in the wrong here. The boyfriend lives with your cousin and you made a conscious decision to discuss the trip in front of him. It is no surprise at all that he would assume he was invited and it wouldn't be very nice of you to exclude him.

If you don't want someone included in something, don't discuss it in front of them.

Since they are living together they are now a package deal. If you were invited, wouldn't you assume your husband was also invited?

I agree that there is no way you could invite your cousin and not him without hurting feelings and pushing her away. If you were discussing the trip in front of him I could totally see why he would think he was invited. It kind of reminds me of mean kids discussing birthday parties and when one kid gets excited the ones discussing say "who invited you"? Sorry that's all I can picture. I mean what did you expect?

You discussed this vacation infront of cousin and her SO. If I were your cousin and/or her SO, I'd consider myself invited as well. Package deal now.

If you didn't want both of them invited, you shouldn't have been discussing it in front of them.

The way I see it... He's the SO and as much family as cousin is.

He didn't invite himself... You invited him !!

He is living with her, he is family. I would assume an invite to me included my husband unless told it was only me specifically, and if that was the case I would more then likely decline. IF he was just the boyfriend I could see him assuming he was invited as rude, but they live together, share their lives together. You were also discussing the trip in front of him, of course he assumed he was invited. At this point I think you would be the rude ones to not include him.

I think it was kind of rude to talk about a vacation in front of him if you had no intention to include him. Even small children know not to talk about events in front of people who aren't invited.

At this point I think you'd better get to know your cousin's so or leave them both out of your plans.

You can pick your friends.

You can pick your nose.

You cannot pick your family...and if they are living together, he IS family.

The only way around this is to make this your uncle, your mom and your immediate family (no cousin). But even this will not bode well.\

Can you not suck it (him) up for five days?

Perhaps he will grow on you (maybe think wart/pimple).

Maybe it is worth it for family harmony. Maybe not.

Best!

I can totally see why this situation stinks for you. You don't care for him and wish it could be like the trip before. I don't blame you for feeling like this, and I certainly don't think you are being rude or selfish or any other negative name here. Your feelings make sense.

However....I think you're stuck. They are a package deal, and it was discussed in front of him. Even if it wasn't- they are still a package deal. I'm wondering if your nostalgia for the last trip paired with your surprise at his assumption of an invitation has just left you unprepared to process the situation. But I hope you can work through that and come around.

If we could leave relatives/significant others that we don't like out of family gatherings, my life would be SO much easier. And if your cousin stays with this guy and you really do love her, you're going to have to find a way to tolerate him anyway- no time like the present!

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Are they engaged? They are living together so many people will consider that he is family.

If you don't want him to come? Why were you discussing this trip in front of him? Doing that is, in my opinion, an open invitation and awaiting his input.

You either need to plan it for just your family, or open up to the possibility of getting to know him better!

Good luck!

If you guys are taking your spouses then you are going to have to invite her guy too. It's rude of you to disregard their commitment to each other. They've moved in together and are a couple with a long term commitment.

I think you have to suck it up and next time you don't invite her if you don't want him too or simply make it a girls only weekend and if any guys show up she's going to call her guy to join her.

You have to accept she's a couple and if you invite one you are inviting them both if it's a mixed gender trip.

Get to know him, sorry, too late now.

If they were married, would you still feel the same way about it?

Granted, he "invited" himself, but with him living with your cousin, it seems rather rude to invite her to the cabin, but not him.

Sorry, but I would say that if she comes, so does he......

It's a problem not just because they live together, but because you discussed this vacation in front of him. The implication is, it's for everyone involved in the conversation. That would apply if it was a woman or other platonic roommate, frankly. If the topic came up, you or someone else should have said, "We'll talk about this another time. For now, tell me, John, what you are working on" or "How about those Broncos" or something that involved him. I think you really walked into this situation by being kind of rude to start with - sorry, I now you didn't intend that but it is the only result possible.

You've all given him the impression that he is, by some extension, part of the family since you involved him in a family vacation discussion at your first meeting.

But it's not all that different from discussing a party with someone you just met - you can take a room full of people and let them all know there's a party except for one person there. We teach our kids not to talk about dates or parties in front of people who aren't invited - why wouldn't this apply to you and your cousin???

All you can do now is say you have postponed any discussion of a get-together this year, and then you invite NO ONE. I get that you don't like him much anyway, and you don't know him well enough anyway.

On the other hand, we had a family reunion for someone's 90th birthday, and we invited the fiancé of one of the granddaughters. They didn't stay in the same room for a lot of reasons (we had a single female and a single male who each needed a roommate so we split up the engaged couple). But it worked out great because we got to know the fiancé. It's possible that would happen with you.

For now, I'd set up a few more dinners to get to know this guy and defer any discussions of the summer.

Yes, you discussed it in front of him and your cousin so of course he is invited!

The good news is, he probably left your home feeling liked, accepted, and part of the family. Since he was sure to tell you how much notice he needed to get off work, he is probably very much looking forward to the vacation. This extended time with him will really give you a chance to get to know him, as you really haven't had that opportunity in your few brief meetings. Maybe you will like him after all, if you give him a chance. Not everyone makes a good first impression, but he may be a good guy.

It probably won't cost you much to have him tag along, and if your concerned about feeding him for almost a week, ask them to bring a bag or two of groceries or plan on preparing a meal or two for the group, and some beer / cocktail mixes, if you like that kind of thing.

You talked about the vacation in front of him and he is a live-in boyfriend of your cousin who comes on these trips. If I were him, I would likely also assume I would be invited.

We rented a big house in OBX May 2012 and October 2014. I can tell you I will never put my family (husband and kids) in the same house as my family (parents, siblings, significant others, etc) again. It's too much stress. We'll stay close by somewhere, but not in the same house. Maybe try that? Find another vacation home near yours and tell them about it so they can pay for it if they want to join.

Or make this just your family (you, husband, kids) and not everyone else.

Are you serious?

I had a very, very close friend who was rude to my boyfriend in a very similar, backhanded way. She "loved" me, but didn't care for him. Well, now he's my husband...and she's out of the picture.

I think you need to reevaluate before you interject drama into your relationship with your cousin that you can't ever take back.

ETA: So you were going to go, and discussed it with your cousin, but suddenly don't have enough vacation time? Oh no, that doesn't seems suspicious at ALL.

If he is a live-in significant other, they are a package deal. You can't exclude him without causing a rift in your family.

You will have to decide if you're going to invite them as a couple, or exclude them as a couple. The only way you could politely work it out to have just your cousin is if you took a girls-only trip and left all the men home.

I think you should invite him. You spoke about the trip in front of him so of course he thinks he is included. He is your cousin's significant other now. Think about the future - say they decide to get married down the road and he becomes family. You will be seeing him for the rest of your life. My husband and I lived together for 7 years before we got married (at the time I was anti-marriage bc of my messed up parents and thought of it as a useless piece of paper). If my husband's family had said I was not invited for family trips it would have been incredibly hurtful. But if you really do not want to invite him...I guess you should first have a talk with your cousin saying you are sorry and that you meant for this vacation to be for family only. You did not mean for her boyfriend to think he could come too. I expect they both will be quite unhappy with you.

Just say that this is just for immediate family. If the only ones going are those from the first trip which he didn't attend say the trip is only for those who went the first time.

It is too bad you mentioned the trip in front of him. Apologize for that. My family has always been open and honest. My parents would tell me that they were uncomfortable having him on this trip. Before this situation had come up they would have already said that they feel uncomfortable spending much time with him.

I suggest you tell her that you are uncomfortable having him along because you don't know him well enough to enjoy him at this long time together. That leaves it open for other events. No judgement. She can choose her friends. You do not have to be comfortable with any of them. I suggest to tell her you would say the same if it was another friend that you didn't know well. . She is an adult making her own decisions. You and your husband make your own decisions.

Start the conversation with your cousin apologizing for your faux pa. Then start with your decision to only have Those who were on the first trip. If she says he's family then say you're uncomfortable having him along Because this is an intimate trip and you don't know him well enough to relax and enjoy this reunion trip.

After reading other's responses I agree that this is awkward and could cause hurt feelings. My mother was not comfortable with my foster daughter but she did include her in family situations. She was a child after all. This did hurt but I was glad to know it so I could manage our time together.

Um, your cousin is adult and this is her partner, who in her mind at least is the equivalent of a spouse. If she were married, you would expect her spouse to come, right? You can't invite one without the other, sorry. That's just rude.

While boyfriends and girlfriends often take a vacation together they may not always do so. Because he is a "live-in" boyfriend, it would seem natural to me that they would vacation together. If this was not you intent, you should have said so right at the start of the discussion..."Suzie, will you be joining us again and give Joe a few days to himself?" would have at least insinuated that it wasn't an open invitation.

Not sure how you do that now without hurting feelings (including your cousin's). I would suggest you suck it up and let him come but make sure you have some time that everyone isn't "together" scheduled into the agenda.

they live together, they're a couple. it's not that out of whack for him to assume they're invited as a couple. do you invite other couples separately?
i mean, you CAN make it happen, but you have to have a somewhat uncomfortable conversation. i'd start off with just having an exploratory conversation with your cousin and DON'T bring up that you don't like her SO.
it might be that you can only frame it around being a 'girls' only trip' and leave your husband behind for a brief jaunt. would that work?
looks to me as if your choices are to a) do the trip as before but leave your cousin out altogether (which will probably necessitate a different uncomfortable conversation); b) divide and conquer, ie do the trip but configure it differently so it's not so glaring that you're leaving him out; c) be as kind as possible while being honest with your cousin; d) suck it up and put up with him. oyu've only met him once, right? maybe he improves with time.
khairete
S.

I would suggest that you stay nearby, but not in the same accommodation itself (not the same house). A LOT of families do this.

If he was a guy you liked, you'd probably be welcoming him. Essentially you would be telling your cousin "we just don't like your guy".

They are a unit. If someone told me my spouse wasn't invited when other spouses were, I'd know they just didn't like my spouse. It's pretty blatant.

I have close to same situation, although it is between my husband and his sisters fiancé. My husband doesn't like nor enjoy his company. Their also was a huge blow up between my husband and my mother in law because of this, and that my husband didn't reply to the fiancé about being in the wedding. My husband didn't like this guys invitation( through text). Anyways, it's a huge issue, and I finally had to tell my husband to suck it up and be the bigger man and be im the wedding party. If he loves his sister, he really needs to be apart of her wedding. He relented. People are happy. My sister in law is old enough to chose her mate, and so is your cousin. They are family, and sometimes you need to go with the flow in order to keep the peace.

First, just because they are living together does NOT mean you have to treat them like a "married" couple. They are NOT married and thus will not be treated as such. Sorry but that is my vent for today. This annoys the hell out of me. Want to be treated like a married couple, GET MARRIED. I'm working on this issue with my daughter. She and her boyfriend decided to move in together in November. They have been dating for about 5 years. Again, this is my vent.

Next, you talked about a trip in front of him. His assumption is that he was invited. Very assuming on his part but nonetheless there ya go. If that was your first meeting of him, I'm surprised that he would automatically assume he is invited. I would follow up with the cousin and discuss with her.

You do not have to invite the boyfriend in order to invite the cousin.
But expect her to be peeved if you don't.

"hey cuz! Remember that time we were discussing going on the trip together again this year? And then your boyfriend said something about going? I am sorry, I am not exactly sure how this happened. But, I was really looking forward to time with you and family. I hope his and your feeling wont be hurt and that you will still come!"
And then go with your husband, mom, and uncle if she is too butt-hurt to come. The power of "no" feels awesome.
No, he was not invited.