What Do I Tell Her?

Hi N.,

Ugh! I totally feel for you and your daughter. I grew up with a "dad" who had all the same qualities as your daughter's father and boy oh boy please let me re-emphasize a couple of points that have already been made.

1) Get your little girl some professional help no matter what you do. If it's a cost issue you can absolutely find someone who will work with you on a scale or for free. It is soooooooooo important that you both learn how to handle this situation from your end. You have no control over him or his behavior. You have no control over the fact that your daughter will practically idolize him because he's intangible and elusive. He's a bad dad but she's a little girl and just wants attention from him regardless of his lack of caring or maturity.

As others have mentioned, this unfulfilled need for his attention and the confusion he has created in her head will transend her entire world. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain from getting help for both of you now. You can make her entire life healthier by making these steps while she is still young.

2) Do not speak ill of him in front of your daughter no matter what he does. You will only create more stress for her if you speak poorly of him. We all know he stinks as a partner and father but these are adult issues. I can tell you I was well in to my college years before I realized what a truly awful person my father was. It must have killed my mom inside to see me worship him the way I did - she never let on. He went for years w/o paying support and I never knew it (as a child). He would make promisses and dissapear and she somehow made it tolerable. He did unspeakable damage to my mother and I never knew it (as a child). He was the be all and end all of horrible fathers and husbands and I never knew it (as a child).

I remember being in college and thanking my mom for never letting me know so many of the things I figured out on my own. She just smiled and said "I loved him once too - I remember what it was like." It was a moment I'll never forget. Not only did she make me realize what a strong woman she was...she brought us closer because I realized what she had done for me - she had done what we all want to do as moms - she protected me from something awful in this world no matter how much it must have hurt her. She let me love someone who didn't deserve my love and not make me feel bad about it. She just let me be a little girl and didn't confuse my life with adult bs I couldn't understand.

I know I'm rambling, but this really hit home for me and I wanted you to know that you can do something about this for both of you. Many years from now your daughter will figure it out on her own, when she is a grown up and understands that you did what it took to keep her growing strong in this big crazy world where things aren't always fair but the strong survive and thrive. Best of luck to you!

P.S.

I'm a very happily married 41 year old woman with an amazing husband and father to my children because I got the help I needed and because I had an amazingly strong woman to help guide my way.

N.,

I am sorry you and your little girl have to bear the pain of this. I went thru this with my oldest daughter. I remember explaining "Families are all made differently - everyone doesn't just have a Mommy & Daddy - Some families have a Mom and a Grandma & Grandpa like we do and we all love you so very much, you can remind her of all the other people who care about her.

Can you try to work out a 'father figure' for her that will come and pick her up and take her on special outings? It's nice that your neices father has volunteered to include her - but even better would be someone to offer one-on-one time, Like a Grandpa or Uncle or even a good friend who will be willing to give her undivided attention? It must be someone very dependable who cares about her, obviously. My daughter was extremely close with my Dad (her grandpa) and he was her father figure for many years until he passed.

She wants her Daddy, no one can take his place, and there is nothing you can do to change that, (it will help if you say that to her so she knows you understand) but if she can say "I'm going here or there with my Uncle next week", it might give her a little more security and happiness.

Of course do not tell her he is dead, she will sense that you are not telling the truth and wonder what is really going on - and come to her own conclusions. Above all, she has to know she is loved by him.

I stopped telling my daughter that she'd see her Daddy soon - I just told her he lived too far away to get here easily, and it might be awhile before we hear from him again but that he loved her very much. It was as close to the truth as I could be - don't tell her he's sick or he's in trouble or anything that will cause her to worry about his well-being.

Who knows why these guys do this - they are such losers, but there could be a reason he is not involved her life right now. He might have a drug problem or be associating with people that would be very bad for her. Maybe he will change maybe he won't - if you can come to a place of forgiveness it will help you to get on with your life. You will likely meet someone wonderful in the future who'll be a great stepdaddy for her.

My daughter is 27 and has nothing but contempt for her bio father now who has never been part of her life and has successfully remained 'missing', apprently working cash jobs and never supported her all her life despite efforts to find him and get support - you should have seen how pathetic our system was back then! Looking back we were really so much better-off without him - a part of my heart still breaks for her not having that connection, but she is a beautiful, loving, confident & successful young woman despite his absence.

He tried to make contact with her a couple of times but by then she wanted nothing to do with him because it was obvious what a self-centered jerk he was and she was very angr with him for hurting her. Your little girl is going to be just fine.

hugs,
W.

Tell her the truth. You don't have to rip the guy to shreds (although that would be my first inclination to do so)but people can change. I am a grown up whose father disappeared for seven years or so. I eventually found my father, made peace and did have a relationship before he died that included his new family and I have half sisters, step-brother and a new nephew all thrown in. But my mother didn't sugar coat anything about him (well you are a step above this since you encouraged visiting, etc. this guy really is a not so nice guy isn't he?)and he really did us a favor disappearing. I was able to have a life where I wasn't sent from one house to another. You might enjoy letting her go with uncle and the niece after a good lecture to the niece as you probably need some free time for yourself and he sounds like a good guy. I don't know if this exists or not but there is the big brother and sister organization. My little brother had a big brother. He had a wonderful role model. I don't know if they will match a big brother for a little sister but its a thought so she gets some other males in her life, unless you have some guy friends you could do things with. Oh this is so tough...Prayers are with you on this one.

i think you are completely right about not going with the death story. what a horrible thing to do to someone. i think you should tell her the truth, you just don't know when he will be in her life again. tell her that he is the one making the decisions to come see her and that when he decides or has time to come he will come again. but don't bad mouth him or say anything more than that. she has the right to know that her dad is the one in control of when he sees her. and you shouldn't get blamed for his absence or lack of communication with her. good luck

that is so sad. I think you should tell her the truth- dont tell her he will come see you soon. children have no concept of time. perhaps you can find a good book to help with the subject. you should talk to your niece about whats nice and not nice. dont say he died. let her know their are good parents and bad parents and right now- her dad is lost- and was not ready to have a child. perhaps someday when he grows up he will be- good luck

I certainly would NOT tell her that her father is dead. My suggestion is to talk to a family councelor or therapist or phychologist... they could offer suggestions for how to best handle the situation. I don't think I would attempt to solve this one on my own... for your daughter's sake, ask for some professional advice.

Wow! This is a terrible situation and while I am not in this position, I have seen the product of what happens in this situation as an adult.

I have several friends who pined away for their fathers, whether it was because the fathers died or because they didn't want to be a part of their lives. Anyway, the end result is that the children grew into adults with relationship issues...both with men and women. One experimented with the same-sex relationships, another became extremely obese (400 plus pounds), another got involved in destructive relationship after destructive relationship.

I share this with you because this, if left untreated, will and can grow into a bigger problem than you expect. I would encourage you to seek help now...while she is asking the questions. At some point, she will stop and that is when it is the most detrimental as she will start internalizing her frustrations, sense of abandonment and sense of worthlessness. Finding a counselor to help you both deal with his selfishness and his estrangement will be the best thing for you. That counselor will be able to help advise you on what to say to your daughter, how to best help *her* through it and how to deal with him if he ever came back into the picture.

In the meantime, keep reassuring your daughter that she has a lot of people that love her and care about her and that *you* will always be there for her. You are doing a great job. Hang in there and I hope that you are able to find someone to help you guys through this difficult situation soon.

Take care.
N.

Hi N.,

I'm hoping you get some real world advice from Mom's who have been there. I have not been in such a situation but my initial thought was can you speak with him?

It could be pointless venture but does he know what his inconsistency is doing to his daughter? It just seems so cruel and maybe he is a cruel person but to give the benefit of the doubt maybe he thinks his behavior is ok and doesn't think of the consequences of such behavior? Frankly I'd want to kick his a** for being such a jerk.

Your daughter is getting older and maybe it's close to time to give her more explanation. You don't have to bad mouth him per se but you can begin to tell her that though her Daddy loves her he sometimes forgets to call and visit or he lives far away or works alot and can't visit very often. You can also explain to her that families are all different, some have only a mother, some only a father, some like her cousin have both and some have step parents but that every type of family is made from love. I'd also speak with your nieces parents and ask that they discuss her remarks to your daughter with her and maybe your nieces Dad could pick your daughter up from time to time. It's not a bad thing to have other male family members become role models.

Good luck, that really made me sad for your daughter but I bet with some advice here and some work on your part you can help make this less of an issue for her.