What Do I Do with These Two??

This is not about these two guys - it is about you. Why are you doing this? Again! Why isn't one person enough for you? It is not because guy #1 or guy #2 are not perfect, it is because you have issues, whatever they may be. No one person is going to be perfect in every way, not even you. Be honest, fess up, grow up and stay out of relationships until you are mentally ready. Sorry for being so brutal, but you asked and these two guys are real people with real feelings. And there is a child caught in the middle!

If you've got two guys and between the two of them, you can't decide which one to stay with...it means to ditch both of them and wait for guy #3. He's out there somewhere and he will be worth the wait. It's better to be alone for now than to be with the wrong man forever. That's what I think.

I don't see the question as what do you do with these two, I see it as what you should do with yourself. The short answer is that you do not appear to be ready to commit to marriage with anyone. I find it interesting that you refer to Gabe's father as guy #2, instead of #1. You might want to step back from both guys until you figure out what you really want. If you do this you might lose both guys, so you have to decide if that is a risk you are ready to take. Good luck, but remember that you are not picking out a new car, you are trying to pick a partner with whom you wish to share your life.

IMO you need to take a break from both of these men and get your head together and learn how to like just being with yourself. It feels from your post that you are looking to fill some void in your life that no ONE man can fill, therefore you keep adding extra guys. Take at least a 6 month break with NO dating! Your son's father can still take an important role in his life without a romantic relationship with you.

It is not fair to your son to get married if you have no intention of staying faithful. Your son needs stability in his life not a revolving door of men. Sorry if I sound a bit harsh but I think you are looking for a wake up call since you posted this. I think you can get it together, but I think you need to concentrate on you and not on which man is "perfect" for you.

Hi C.
I find it very interesting that you Number the second man in life number one. I think that if you have been unfaithful to your sons father in the past and are doing it again, he is not the one you love. but I worry that you are trying to have a man love you and fill a void in your life that only you can fill, by loving yourself and your son. I think you should take a break form all men and get some counsling to find out why you dont love yourself and then you should be able to find the man of your dreams and NO other man will matter. Good Luck T.

I am going to be honest. You are acting way out of line!!!! You have a child with one of these men and you owe it to your child to make it work with his father. You are playing with fire and you will get burned. When you have children, they come first! Unless that child's father is abusive you better go work it out. There is no perfect man, but there are men that love you. If I traded in my husband each time I found a guy who has a trait I like that he doesn't have I would have a dozens of men floating around. I have learned that he is a wonderful guy and I am sure I am not always a walk in the park. He can find many things that need improving in me, but he chooses to love me in spite of them. You owe it to your little one to work it out with his Daddy.

Marriage is for life and there have been times when I looked at my husband and didn't care if he died as long as I got the insurance but then it would turn around and the butterflies would come back or sometimes it would just be ok. The thing of it is we work on it together, to make it work. You need to ask yourself if he is good for you and your son. Not if you have the 'oooh' feeling but is he a man you can count on to support you and your son emotionally, physically, and spiritually. But you need to decide to be 'in' the relationship or out of the relationship it is not fair to anyone for the wishy washyness, you either are with your man or you are not. If you don't know you will continue to have emotional affairs or other types of affairs and that will destroy what ever you have with your son's father, and that is hard to rebuild if you ever can.
I used to have tons of male friends when I was single but now I have a only girlfriends I tell my stuff to. It is too easy to become attached to a guy and when my husband is being a jerk for my head to take it to the next step and pretty soon I'm down the wrong path of fantasies. When in all honesty I know fantasies don't last and then reality kicks my butt and I'll be stuck with a different jerk if I leave, I chose to stay and work with my hubby to deal with life.
You have to decide what is the fantasy though guy 1 or guy 2. It's time to get in reality and stay in reality. There will always be temptations there are alot of handsome, nice, sexy people in this world but we all have to find one person and decide that no matter how much weight they gain or how grey they get or if they get a serious illness we will stand by them because it is the right thing to do and we love them (we don't always have to like them) but we stay and support so we teach our kids how to be good and do the right thing and so we know we did every thing we can.
Find your someone you can share life with, when you do or if you have already hold on tight and don't let anyone or anything in the way.

People listen - YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GET MARRIED JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER!!!! It's great if you can and want to, but just because you have a child together doesn't mean you can build a life together.

Apparently two of the previous posters are the kind of people that don't care about the ramifications to your son AND you, if you DO marry his father when you're unsure. It seems to my reading that they only see fit to call you evil and tell you how wrong you are.

Believe me when I tell you that NOT marrying him is better than marrying him only because of your son. Your son would wonder why you and dad don't love each other and both you and your husband would be miserable and that would make life hell for your whole family.

If you have tried with this man before and this same thing happened, maybe it's because you're exactly right. Maybe you're only engaged because of your son. But it seems to me it's a two-way street.

Maybe he feels as stuck as you do. Maybe he loves the two of you with all his heart but isn't good at showing it. Maybe he is only marrying you because of your son. Maybe he's marrying you because he loves you. You will never know if you keep going the way you are.

What you need to do is go to your son's father and talk to him, tell him exactly how you feel. It's going to be hard to do, but if you love your son as much as I think you do you'll find the courage. He needs to know that you're unsure. He needs to know the truth - as hard as that may be.

Good luck. I hope you make the best decision for you AND your son.

First I must say that I agree with Cassandra's post. If you are having these thoughts, you are most likely not ready to be married.

I do not agree that you need to marry your son's father. You will not be bettering your sons life if you do marry him and later realize you should not have or that you did not want to. Your son will be affected severely living in a home that is not a loving, caring, trusting home. I am child of divorce, trust me on this one.

Seeing someone to help you figure this out would be a great idea. You have Gabe to think about as well as yourself. You can't make a decision based on only your sons needs. IF you are unhappy with your decision, your son will be too.

Take a break from number 1 and number 2. Maybe a week or more and really take time to figure things out. Marriage is for life.

In the end, only you can decide your true feelings. As someone else said, you will fall in and out of love as time goes on. Really take time for yourself to sort this out. Don't rush into things. Consider how well you know this other guy, as well as Gabe's Dad. How much time have you spent with both of them? Good Luck

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, now isn't it?

Before you think of throwing away what you have, think HARD about what you would be giving up.

I have been with my husband now for 10+ years, and believe me there have been moments when I want to just throw my hands up in disgust and walk out the door. But then I remember all the kind, considerate things he has done for me, and I remember how hard he works to provide me and my 2 yr old son with a happy, stable home.

Marriage is a choice you make every single day. I keep choosing to be with my husband, and he keeps choosing to be with me.

I assume if you're engaged to this guy, that you love him, and that you have a good, solid relationship with him, built out of trust and friendship, not just lust etc. With a solid foundation, the relationship is WAY worth working hard to keep going strong. Marriage is not always easy, even when it's good.

Now, if you're engaged to him just because he's your son's father, and because you were/are attracted to him, but you don't have the deeper feelings of a connection with him, then both guy #1 and #2 are on a more level playing field when it comes to how invested you are in them.

If that's the case, what makes you think the other guy would be any better for you and your son or have anything more to offer that the one you're engaged to? Either guy, YOU still have to put in the time, energy, and will to commit to him and to keep choosing him, day after day after day.

Either scenario, I personally would advise you to stay with the one you're engaged to, and yes, I do say that partly because of what an impact it would have on your child to change men now (and likely again in the future...)

By the way, by not telling your fiance about your indiscretions, you are not being fair to the other person who needs to be able to be part of this decision-making process. (My husband decided he loved me enough and was invested enough in our relationship that he chose to stay with me after I made a bad decision involving another guy. But I have also never let this happen again. If I did, I certainly could not expect my husband to feel the same about me again.) He needs to know that something is going on; not necessarily all the details, but at least what is happening with you emotionally and the conflict you are feeling. He needs to be able to make a choice too: to give you another chance or not.

One more thing: the other guy you're seeing; if I read that right, he knows about your fiance. Anybody who will date someone who is already nearly married is not going to be a reliable partner anyway. If you end up with him, I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up cheating on YOU.

Think really hard about what is best for you and your son. Don't let infatuation and romance and excitement sweep you off your feet. Use your head as well as your heart.

(Sorry this was so long- I feel really strongly about this one.)

In my opinion, LOVE IS A CHOICE!

There is no such thing as "the perfect man." You find someone that you get along with and that you love and you stick with that ONE PERSON>! You don't have other male friends. You might have male aquaintances but Your Husband should be YOUR BEST FRIEND.

You need to make up your mind and quit messing around. I was cheated on once and it does NOT feel good. There was no sex involved as I don't believe in relations before marriage but my boyfriend still went to another girls house and spent the day with her and her family and did a bunch of stuff together. It is very HURTFUL to be DISHONEST with another person. I broke up with him. I really don't understand why your fiancee is with you if you've done this to him before..... I know you're confused but it's never okay to cheat!

Your son is more than likely suffering from your actions. Kids can sense when things aren't right. You need to make a choice and stick with it!

I wish you well and will be praying for your situation. I will ask God to give you guidance. Nobody can make this decision for you. You have to live with the consequences.

However you number them, if you can't choose, then neither are right for you and you are not ready for either of them. Step back from both, be by yourself for awhile...it's ok to be alone you know. Take some time, talk to a therapist...learn how to love yourself. Ask yourself this hun....if guy 1 knows about guy 2...why is he stepping on someone else's 'turf'? If he were the guy for you then he would want to see you happy (whether he agreed with your choices or not) and would not have made himself known for want of your happiness. As for guy 2, if he was truly right for you then guy 1 wouldn't have turned your head. Walk away from both, get yourself together, know that it's ok to be alone cause your son needs you waaaaay more than any ol guy anyway, let him be your focus for awhile cause out of all these guys, he's the one that truly loves you and needs you and he is where your focus should be anyway. The right one will come along eventually, he's just waiting for you to get it together.

The grass is always greener on the other side.... until you jump the fence and see that the grass is really just spray painted.

MEANING you are infatuated with this new guy.... its new, its fresh, you guys haven't fought, haven't lived together, haven't experienced any life together other than flirting and whatever else you have done. So if you take that turn and go with him, chances are in a few months, a year, you will be crushing on someone else because it is quite obvious you are not prepared enough, mature enough, to be in a long term committed relationship.

So I suggest you sit down with GUY #1- ie Gabe's father, and talk to him. Get guy #2, ie mystery man, out of the picture for now. And realize that you have a child now, you can't just flit around and be irresponsible. Not saing you have to marry Gabe's father if its not right, but you can't just start relationships with every guy that comes along that has a quality that your current boyfriend doesn't have... it doesn't work that way, and if every woman did that, they'd never be in a relationship more than a week!

Sit down and talk with your boyfriend, distance yourself from this other guy, and figure out things for you and Gabe. I don't think moving from one relationship to another would be a good idea either, so even if you and Gabe' father don't work it out, then don't just jump in with this other guy..... work your head out here.

Hey C.,

You are in a bad spot...but...slow down. First of all if you are sizing them both up, and getting some of what you need from one, and some of what you need from another...NEITHER one is the right guy.

I know it is easier said than done, but you need to take a step back from both of them. Relationships are never the "one stop shopping" we all think, or hope they are going to be, but if you have this kind of question now, follow your heart (which is telling you neither one quite fits the bill).

Focus on yourself and your child, and eventually the right guy will come along. Don't shortchange yourself because you are afraid of being alone, or it's an either or. You and your child deserve the very best, and if you have to stop and think twice...you aren't getting the very best.

Back off from both, enjoy your child, and one day when it's meant to be...the right guy will be there... He won't be perfect, but he will be exactly what you need when you need...and you will know it.

Guy #2 is the father and I think for your sons sake don't complicate his life. Stay with his father. Be friends only with the other guy. Friends can fill voids without kissing, hugging or having sex. You can also just take a break from both and just not be with anyone and concentrate on raising your son. It's not fair to you or your son to be with both especially when they both don't know about the other. That's very deceiving and evil in my opinion and very unfair to the guy who doesn't know. In a way you are mistreating him so maybe you shouldn't be with him but I think your son comes first so I say stay with the Dad and either be just friends with the other guy or tell him to leave you alone. In order to start new and focus in on who's most important you have to clear your head and eyes. You seem foggy. Good luck in your decision. I'd personally want to keep my family together thus staying with my childs dad. It's for my childs sake not for my own selfish needs.

Leave them both and straighten your life out for your son;S SAKE and YOURS!

After reading other responses I just want to add You might want to think about life as a a single parent and ask yourself if you are up for that. It sounds like that is where you are headed if you don't break off ties with # 1.

My vote is neither man! Put the energy in yourself and your son! Good Luck:-)

I am married and have experienced something like what you're talking about (an emotional affair). In the end, I decided that I didn't want to put my kids through that, I had built too much with my husband to just run away and looking back what I felt for "the other guy" was not built on anything solid or extended...we had not lived life together or argued, etc....it was still in the bliss stage. Love is a choice and I chose to stick it out (and it is better). I know your circumstances are different because the commitment of marriage isn't yet an issue, but think about what each relationship is built on and whether you're willing to give up on what you've built with your baby's dad for the "possibility" of seeing what the grass on the other side is like.

I just had to put my two cents in because I have seen ppl stay in a relationship they don't like or are not comfortable in because there are children involved! Staying in a relationship that is not healthy IS NOT the solution!!! I find it rude that ppl think you need to just because children are involved!
What ppl don't relize is that staying in a relationship that is not healthy, IS NOT healthy for anybody, especially the children. When the children see a unhealthy relationship in their parents, they are more then likely to go into their own unhealthy relationships when they grow up.
IMHO, children DO NOT have to come first in everything!!!!! I believe you need to make sure they are healthy and happy, but you do not need to be unhealthy and unhappy just to make your children so.... I don't really care what other ppl think of me because I refuse to wear rags just so my children can have the newest toy or the nike's on their feet!
I really truely hope you find what it is you are looking for, I'll let you know that I did leave a relationship that was unhealthy and left for a man that is not only good to me, but good to my children too. I wouldn't change the fact that I did for anything.

I'm with the take time for yourself crowd. It appears that time out of a relationship may be the best way to decide what kind of relationship you want and who with. You can focus on the relationship with your son. Gabe's father will always be just that. Plus if this has happened before, it really isn't fair to your fiance to be seeing others. Be honest with him. The other guy isn't worth it either if he's accepting you stepping out on your fiance. Could mean he's willing to do the same to you at some point. Anyway my two cents. Good luck, affairs of the heart are never easy.

I guess my first question would be...how long have you known guy #1? Is it possible that the reason you're so infatuated with him is because he's new and different? If you've been with guy #2 for a long time, it's quite possible that things have settled into a routine and the spark isn't as great as it once was. This is totally normal! I totally understand how a new guy w/ qualities your old #2 doesn't possess can seem exciting and fun, but think long and hard before you decide to leave #2. He obviously loves you if he stuck w/ you through an instance like this before. In the end...follow your heart. But make sure you're honest with both before doing anything that crosses the line! Guy #2 deserves that at a minimum!

I think when a child is involved what YOU want goes out the window! What is best for HIM, what would be the most stable, loving environment for your son to grow up in? Do you want him to have to go back and forth between two homes? His future is in your hands. I agree that love is a choice, you have to put EFFORT into any relationship for it to be successful. Good Luck and remember everyone has there good and bad qualities, I'm sure Guy #1 and #2 have thought the same things about you.

I for sure wouldnt marry anyone until you figure it out!

I would say if you are so unsure about guy #2 you shouldn't be engaged to him. I would never have thought about cheating on my fiance. You need to do some searching of who you are before you make any decisions of what to do about either one of them.