What Can I Say/do for a Friend That Just Lost a Baby in 1St Trimester?

I went through almost the exact same thing as your friend. A miscarriage is hard for anyone to deal with, but after a year of trying, it's even more upsetting. I would suggest you just ask her, "Is there anything I can for do you?". She'll tell you what she needs. I would also refrain from talking about your pregnancy and children for a while. While deep down she is happy for you, it still hurts to see and hear about it. It took me a long time to get over my miscarriage, and the wound didn't entirely heal until I finaly got pregnant again (years later).

Just the fact that you are asking the question shows what a great friend you are - she's lucky to have you around!

I agree with Jill. I had a very early miscarriage just about a year ago. Luckily I was able to get pregnant again right away and now have a wonderfully sassy 7 mos old girl (and 4 year old boy). I was pretty much out of commission for 2-3 days. My husband took care of my son, I could barely look at him w/o crying. I needed time to myself to mourn and be alone. Do not say things like, at least it was early, many pregnancies end in miscarriage, it is usually for the best...etc. See if you can get her out, or if she has children, take them so she can be alone.

My friend recently had a still born baby... I also asked friends what to say and not say and my friend has said that there are a lot of things people say that don't help.. and that my husband and I have been helpful.

I just called and said I'm so sorry and let her talk.. my husband and I also brought 2 meals for about 3 weeks or so because she had physical and emotional recovery as well as her husband.

I also called her every day for the 1st week just to see how she was doing.

Now I keep track of how many months the baby would have been and say... today's Luke would have been 3 months old..

I'm sure some of this would be different with a miscarriage, but I'm sure many moms that have miscarriages feel like no one cares that they just lost a precious baby.

I also agree with Jill. There really isn't anything else to say. I've had 2 miscarriages one at about 9 weeks and the other at 26 weeks..I know that really isn't a miscarriage but that's how I deal with it. It really drove me nuts when people fell all over themselves trying to say the right thing. Saying nothing is better then listening to people carry on about it. Unless you've been there you really don't know how it feels and trying to put into words what the mom is feeling is not something you need to try and do. Just let her know you're there if she needs you and leave it at that.
In a few weeks if it doesn't seem like she's getting on with her life then be more aggresive with talking to her about her feelings...she could be depressed and need a little help getting on. Maybe suggest seeing the doctor, but wait at least 2 months for that. Good luck and I hope your friend feels better soon!

I give my friends who miscarry this book and they seem to really appreciate it. Everyone has always ranted and raved at how much it helped them. You can read a few chapters at cbd.com or amazon.com These prices and links are from cbd.com

Grieving the Child I Never Knew: A Devotional Companion for Comfort in the Loss of Your Unborn or Newly Born

Author
Kathe Wunnenberg
Publisher
Zondervan / 2001 / Hardcover
Price : 9.99
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When Your Baby Dies Through Miscarriage or Stillbirth

By: Louis Gamino, Ann Taylor Cooney
Augsburg Fortress / 2002 / Paperback
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Another thing I do for friends who miscarry is give them a nice vase with flowers and a note that every time they use the vase they can remember baby.

Well - Like the others said - there is honestly nothing you can say to make her feel better. I lost my little girl at 17wks gestation. I got so tired of hearin "how are you?" over and over. Give her a big hug, holder her a little extra longer and acknowledge her baby. Nothing hurts worse than people prentending that they didn't exist.

As someone that also went thru this; there is nothing you can say or do to help someone feel better. You can only be there for her.

It took me a few years to get over the loss... And that is even after I did have my son I did conceive two months later; so this helped me. I made sure to cleanse my body as I was toxic due to medications from a cold at the time and drinking from a Halloween Party when I had found out. So I gave everything up and dealt with my friends chiding me for it. (so much for their support!)

What did help me (not to sound corny or anything) was after I started my massage classes... There were two instructors that talked often of Angels. I read one of the books that one spoke of often. I found a passage that really put that part of my heartache to "rest".

*"Very often, I talk with the spirits of children wh stay with their mother following a miscarriage or abortion. The children are happy and well-adjusted and simply want to be with their mother to help and guide her. Or, if their mother gets pregnant again, they may have 'first dibs' on inhabiting the new body and be born as a healthy baby. Those who don't have the opportunity to be reborn grow up on the other side, at about the same rate they would have if they had come to full-term births. Aborted children hold no grudges, by the way. Their souls are as intact as ever." * (I am positive this applies to any child loss, not just miscarriage and abortion)*

This is the ONLY THING that helped me and as soon as I finished reading it; my son came in my room and said "I love you Mommy!" and ran of to play...

I understand this sounds insane to many, but I have become a believe since those days - especially with my work. But you could share the above with your friend as I think that would have helped me more than the rest that you always hear. (or just be there... Your choice!)

Good Luck and many prayers!

I almost lost my second baby at 12 weeks and while I was in the ER at 2am, the doctors and nurses wouldn't hardly look at me and they just kept repeating that there was nothing they could do. All I really wanted to hear was someone say "This really sucks."