What Can I Do About My 25 Yr Old Daughter Causing Nothing but Drama?

Updated on December 18, 2018
T.C. asks from New Carlisle, IN
8 answers

My 25 yr old daughter does nothing, but cause drama in the family. My husband and I and the other grandma got guardianship of her child in Dec. 2014 when he was 9 months old. She has had 3 1/2 years to get her act together and she has done NOTHING even though it was ordered by the judge to get a job, finish school, get a place to live, and take parenting classes. My husband and I got custody of her child in April (2018) and we let my daughter have him over night for a while since she was living with my mom. She was very rude and mean to her child when she had him. She left her 4 yr old child on Labor day of this year (2018) to be with her boyfriend. Now that it is close to Christmas, she wants to be able to see her child and play mommy yet again. She is VERY rude to me, cusses me out, calls me terrible names, and all I am is an egg donor to her. She is very manipulative and rude to my mother. She is always texting or calling my mom and putting her and I down or threatening to commit suicide. Then she will call my mom the next day like nothing happened and ask for money. My mom does nothing but cry all the time because my father just passed away in July of this year and he was the strong one in the family. I have gotten a Protective Order on her, so she can not see her child or contact myself or my husband or go to my mom's home. I am protecting my grandchild, mom, and husband. She goes from friend to friends house, until she wears out her welcome. All she does is use people and has no respect for anyone. I am at my wits end and do not know what else to do. Please help.

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answers from Chicago on

Your daughter is mentally ill, and the “drama” is the symptoms of that illness that are not being managed. Unless she is managing them through the use of illicit substances.

Please keep the children safe from her. She is not able to parent, and most likely may not be able to independently parent ever.

It might be time for a family meeting to look into options for the future care of these children and your daughter. Legally, financially and morally.

Give her one number as a family contact, and block all others. Hang up when she is rude on the phone, call the police when she violates the order of protection.

When she threatens suicide, call the police and let them know she threatened suicide and needs help.

Let her children know their mother has an illness that causes her to not feel good, and when she doesn’t feel good she doesn’t behave very nicely and can be mean to others. When she doesn’t feel good, it’s best to leave her alone until she feels better. Remind the children she loves them, but her illness sometimes makes it hard for her to show it.

Her behavior (symptoms) are beyond your ability to manage. It would be best for your family to receive some professional help to educate yourselves on the progression of your daughter’s illness and realistic expectations of her going forward.

Sorry you are going through this.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

Well, first of all, I would encourage you to stop calling this "drama". Drama is when someone burns the toast, then buries their head in their hands and cries "why do all the bad things happen to ME?". Or when a pre-teen gets a zit and sobs that their life is over.

What your daughter is doing is not dramatic. It is cruel and abusive. It's dangerous to herself and to others.

As long as people are listening to her calls and reading her texts, they're enabling her to continue her abusive ways.

I'm glad you have an Order of Protection, and glad that you have the children. I think that now you'll have to find a way to protect your mom. Can you have your daughter's number blocked? Does your mom understand how damaging your daughter's behavior is, and will your mom agree to decline her calls and texts? Will your mom focus her energies on the two little kids who need stability, security and love?

I'm sorry your daughter is so unstable. I'm sure it's very sad for you, but there are two young children to consider, and your mom, and your own health and sanity, and that should be your focus now. Don't back down or give in. Consult your attorney for advice, and see if there's any way your daughter can get a mental health evaluation. Otherwise, focus on the kids and your mom, and yourself and your husband and don't let your daughter's behavior distract you.

Consider going to a counselor with your mom to learn strategies for dealing with your daughter.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

My husband's mother has some mental health issues. No one in the family admits this, they just say "She's not well" or "She's had a hard life". She does what your daughter does - carries on, has scenes, acts like a child (cries, tantrums, etc. to have her way), then pretends nothing happened the next time she wants something. I had never experienced anything like that before, but my husband grew up with this behavior - first his grandmother (alcoholic) then mother. So it was learned behavior in his case, and possibly genetic.

He went to counseling and I went to some sessions with him. Boundaries and limiting contact. She will never get help. He's had to cut communication a few times. Because no one else will agree (including her) that she has a problem, there's no point in dealing with her. It's not worth the stress.

He and I decided that we would not subject our children to being around that disaster. She was crying if they didn't want to go over, and if she didn't get her way. That's when my husband cut communication. Sounds like you have made the same decision. Now do the same for your mother if she's not strong enough to do it for herself (where she's gone through a loss).

Stay strong. It sucks but ultimately you're not being kind to your daughter if you allow her to use others.

If she would get help and you could support her (from afar) that would be great, but she has to be willing to be assessed and then take steps. Best to you

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Can you find a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) group in your area? Your daughter is suffering from a mental illness, and NAMI offers support for families. I think you're doing the right thing protecting her child from her at this time, but she is your daughter, and my guess is that you, your husband, and/or your mom will not want to remain estranged forever. NAMI can help you learn how to understand her behaviors and interact with her in a way that ensures you and her child are safe.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

It sounds to me, that she might have a drug problem, do you know if she uses drugs? If she does, you are doing the best thing for her, even thought it feels terrible!!! I have, still do, and always will be a addict, but a recovering addict. Addiction is a family disease & you should look into Alanon, it’s for parents & family members who are dealing with an addict, whether drugs or alcohol, if that is the issue. If you know she doesn’t use drugs or alcohol, maybe take her to be evaluated by her Dr & then you can figure out from there what she needs. Either way protecting your family is never a wrong thing to do!!! Do REALLY look into the drug or alcohol thing, get very nosie, cause we are the BEST at sneaking & lying to get what we want!!! Good Luck!!!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I suggest you follow the court orders and not let her see him. And not see her yourselves. That will be very difficult. You love your daughter and still hoping she'll get her life back together. After 3 1/2 years she's shown you she can't.

Your first responsibilty is to this young child who can't protect himself. Her drama is hurting you and your mom so that you're less able to protect your grandchild. You have the power to stop the drama. You put up with her drama because you love her and don't realize putting up with it is not love. She needs firm boundaries enforced. You, your mother and your grandchild need protection.



answers from South Bend on

Thank you all for the advice. It has really helped my mom and I. We appreciate all the help in our difficult situation.



answers from Appleton on

Call your local Social Services or Human Services office ask to talk to someone who can assist you to get her put on a 72 hour hold. Every state has different laws to place an adult on a 72 hour hold. She will be arrested and placed in a mental ward of a local hospital, evaluated, medicated and either released or held longer. There will be a hearing and her doctor will give his diagnosis and family members can testify about her behavior.

Once you have a diagnosis and she is medicated you will have a better chance of helping her get her act together. However this is not the end. She will need constant supervision for the rest of her life. Most mentally ill people will take their medication for only a short time then believe they are okay and stop taking it. But this is seriously the only way to help her.
Instead of having her live with a family member I advise you to get her assigned to a group home for the mentally ill. She will be monitored by the staff instead of family. This will help you and your family to help her without having to be her keepers.

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