What Am I Doing Wrong? - Harrisburg,PA

As a child who was adopted, I can honestly say, it's a great thing. If you don't have the support you need, and you feel like you just can't cope, you should certainly consider adoption. It may not be the right thing for you, but you won't know unless you seriously consider it. I don't think I was placed for adoption because my birth mom wanted to get rid of me. I know she wanted something better for me. And I got it. I grew up in a loving home with a mom AND a day. I am very fortunate. If you really can't offer your child what he needs, either because you don't have the support, or because you just aren't ready, then look into it.

good luck.

S.,
Parenting is the absolute hardest thing you will ever do, at any age. Hang in there and know that you are not alone. Get some support that can help you succeed. There are organizations and parenting groups in Harrisburg that you may want to look into so that you can build a community of support for you and your son. I did a quick search for resources for you, and these are some sites that may help.
Good luck.

Nurse Family Partnerships - a resource for parents up to children up to 2 years old, their mission statement is, "Helping first time parents succeed"
http://www.nursefamilypartnership.org/

Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare, Resources for Families
http://www.dpw.state.pa.us/ServicesPrograms/

A meeting group for parents in Harrisburg
http://www.meetup.com/attachmentparenting-486/

oh my GOD! i dont know what to say. It is terrible that your own family treats you bad. That is not right. While spoiling your son isnt the best thing the hardest job inthe world is being a single mom. My best friend and her husband just split and she now has the twins..yes thats right twins. I can only imagine. Is there any chance that youll be able to move out of there? I think that finding a place of your own would be first on the list. Is there government assisted housing inthe area that you can apply for? Can you apply for welfare aand wic and food stamps? They can also help you with paying rent too. My friend has done all these things and it took her a while but everything is starting to come together. I know all these things may seem scary but this seems like you first move should be to GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE!! you do not need that kind of stress put on you. You are trying your best. I think your son is crying because children can sense when you are stressed and therefore he is reacting to the way that you are feeling. In fact i am almost positive that that is what is going on. From the way your question sounds you seem desparate. Thats ok, but calm down. Need to start thinking of a way to resolve the problems at hand as best as you can. Now try to find these things out. Research them all on the net and try to ignore your stupid brother for the time being just concentrate on yourself and your son. He will feel better when you start feeling better. Hope this info works for you.

Hi, S.:

Take some deep breaths and breathe. You are not a terrible mom. You need coping skills and then you will do fine.

Find a Mom's support group by looking on the web for a meetup group for Mom's support.

Take some parenting classes.

Find a babysitter to give you a break. There are alot of college students around.

When he cries, just be with him and let him cry it out as you hold him. He is feeling your stress and crying because you are hurting.

You are a good mother, you just need some skills and you will get back on track. You are just having a hard time right now with the pain of your husband's lack of emotional support You will get through it. Good luck. D..

I am sending you a hug b/c I really think you need one right now. I know it seems hard right now but this time will pass. Does he have a lovey/blankie? Maybe that would help at night. If he doesn't have one try intrtoducing it. When he starts to have his crying fits you can try holding him really tight, this sometimes helps. He could also be teething or have some other problems going on at this time. If you haven't yet, go see the pedriatrician and try to find out what the problem is. Eventually he will learn that no means no. This is hopefully just a stage right now. I also think you need to have some support besides your family. Have you looked into any mom's groups? you can go to meetup.com and search them out and if there isn't one you can always form one and don't worry people will join. I know someone who started one and there are now 100 moms in the group and it is very supportive and worth it even if you just meet one other mom you can connect with. I hope this helps. Stay strong and know you are the best thing for your child!

Not sure how old you are but being a mom is hard work. You need to make sure you have him on a bedtime routine. Try giving him a nice warm bath with lavendar shampoo and lotion. After bath feed him and then lay him down. Keep this up for a few weeks and he will eventually get used to it. Babies, especially boys tend to get into everything. Just make sure you install all the cabinet locks and place objects he is not allowed to touch out of his reach. If he wants something he is not allowed to have, try redirecting instead of saying no. Tell him, how about we go and play with this toy, or call him to come look at another toy. Babies have short attention spans so they are easily distracted. Your baby is counting on your for survival so you must be strong for him. Disregard what you brother says, he will never understand what a mother feels about her child. Just make sure that you are doing the best that you can. Adoption might seem like the easy way out but I could never imagine giving away my baby. I unfortunately was never able to get any assistance, but the govt can help you in many ways (jobs, daycare, food). If you do not have a job, you should look for one. Working will also allow you to get away for a bit and have some adult interaction. Finding a job with great benefits will also give you the comfort of knowing that your child will get the proper medical coverage for well visits and if he gets sick. Take care and I will pray for you.

Just wanted to say hey...I am SO impressed by you! You are working extra hard to give your son a life, you have nothing to feel inadequate about. We all feel inadequate at some point, or at least all the moms I personally know have told me stories, so don't feel bad! As far as the crying, lack of sleep and being into everything...that's the age. My daughter (4 yrs) was the same way, and my 16 mth son is still a little off when it comes to sleeping. He's into EVERYTHING also, and constantly screams or tries to hit when he doesn't get his way...all I can tell you is try a few things till you find what works best for you two and then stay as consistent as you can. You aren't doing anything wrong, you are just a mom, and sometimes it feels like we can do nothing right, but I'm sure when your little one looks up at you he just sees how much you love him and not the faults you might see in yourself! So, take heart...you are doing a great job, and understand we've all been there! R.

First of all, ALL kids act like this at some point. It is normal! I'm sure you are doing a fine job. Loving your son & letting him know it are the most important things. Be glad he is obstinant; it means he is a normal, healthy child. Disciplining your child is a life long process. Children are supposed to test their limits & repeatedly try to do things. One reason for repeatitive tries is to make sure the rules haven't changed. Good job for staying consistent; that is incredibly important.
Some tips. "No" is a very generic word & it is difficult for toddlers to understand how it applies to so many situations. It is also difficult for toddlers to understand a negative command. When you say "no touch" they hear the "no" & the "touch" separately. What they are hearing is "no", but then they are hearing you telling them to touch the object. It gets confusing. They will figure it out eventually, but its best & easiest if you can avoid saying no as much as possible. How do you do that? It requires a little more thought. (I try to save saying no for the most dangerous behaviours; like touching the stove). So, some examples: Your child is pulling things out of a cabinet (or trying to touch an electrical outlet): say "leave it" or "hands off". THe first few times you do this you will need to immediately remove your child from the situation. As soon as they are away, praise them (even if you are the one who removed them). After a few times of doing this say "leave it" or whatever phrase you want to use (just always use the same one) and wait a few seconds. If your child backs up at all, praise him. (Say good job! "Good job leaving it alone"). Then say "come to mommy". This removes him from the situation & you can praise him for coming to you. You can apply this to just about any situation. I find it to be a lot less stressful than saying "no" all the time. And my oldest learned very quickly what he was allowed to do & what he was not allowed to do. (Please note: This does not mean that he NEVER does the wrong thing. My son learned very quickly not to touch electrical outlets & not to stand in the rocking chair, but to sit in it. (I used the "sit" command for that.) But, there are some things that are just too tempting. My son loved the dog water bowl & any time I left it on the floor he would dump it over. It took more than 8 months to get him to stop that & I think the real reason he stopped was b/c he no longer thought it was fun. For my sanity I gave up trying to stop him & just put the bowl up on a counter whenever I remembered.)
As for waking up during the night. My youngest is 12 months old & he still wakes up 1 to 2 times a night. It is a good thing that your son doesn't eat at night. My son still eats once at night (I'm trying to break that habit). Can your son put himself to sleep? If so, (mine can) what I do is go in his room, pick him up, bounce him around until he calms down & then I lay him back down & he goes back to sleep. It only takes about 5 minutes. It is not ideal (ideal would be sleeping through the night) but it is better than trying to get him to fall completely asleep. I would suggest you start trying that, if you are not already. If you do that already & he is waking multiple times a night, then I would start waiting a few minutes before going into his room. I find that sometimes I go into my sons' room too soon. Sometimes he will just fuss for a few minutes & then fall back asleep on his own. I know you don't want to let him cry it out, i'm not suggesting that. I give myself 15 minutes now. When he wakes up i wait 15 minutes. Sometimes before the 15 minutes is up he will be asleep again. Sometimes not, when he is not back asleep I go in and hold him until he relaxes & is almost asleep and then I put him back down. This is how we got down to only 1 to 2 wake ups at night.
This phase does not last forever. My (now 2 & 1/2 year old) started getting much better around 18 months. He is now an angel who very rarely throws fits (I believe this is because I was consistent. He knows the rules, he knows what he is & is not allowed to do. Also, he has space to be himself. Our living room is baby proof & we spend most of our time there. I let him do just about anything in that space. So he has one "safe" space where he won't hear no very often.) He listens to directions the first time & follows them better than most kids his age. Yours will too. (Though I do recommend you stop spoiling him. Though continue to love him.) Also, start letting your son help you with chores. In the beginning it will be more work for you, but it will give him a sense of belonging & purpose. Some things he can do now: dust (just give him a rag & let him wipe things when you do), get him a toy broom or vacuum & let him follow you around when you do that, let him load some spoons in the dishwasher. Make him help you clean up his toys.
Have patience, find a way to destress, IGNORE your brother, love your son, & things will work out.
Good luck.

I didn't read all the responses, but I do like what Cherie had to say. I would also like to say that every mom feels like they can't handle it. Find a family member or friend that can watch him for a few hours and take a break. Read some books on parenting. Tell your brother to (well, I can't say that here). He has no clue what you are really going through. You are not alone. And while adoption may be right for some people, please don't make that decision just because you are overwhelmed. Your son will not be like this forever, and you will find a way through it. A decision like this should only be made after thinking long and hard, with a clear head. Good luck.

Okay - first you are doing NOTHING WRONG! Alot of your temper tantrum issues are stemming from his lack of sleep. Is he napping during the day? If not, he needs to be - sleep begets sleep is the rule. If you can - go get The Sleep Lady's Guide to a Gentle Good Night Sleep by Kim West. It worked like a charm for us when our first was 11 mths old - I didn't want to let him cry either so this helped me a ton! Ask your family members that are supportive to help you at night. Ask them if one of them can take just one shift so that you can get a full 8 hours - it will make all the difference in the world!

Loving your child is the best thing you can do and from your brief note, I can tell that you do love him. Just know that this too shall pass - you will see him in kindergarten and graduate from high school - it is just going to take a little hard work to get there!

Hang in there and know that all of us (whether we admit it or not) have thought at one time or another that we might be a horrible mom - it is normal - it is called guilt and I think it settles in the moment we find out that we are pregnant! Don't give in to it - acknowledge it, but remember how much you love him and the guilt will melt away!

Sweetie, I am 32 and I have no idea what I am doing wrong when mine acts like this. You are not alone! You need to be firm and no-nonsense and assert yourself as the mom. Especially since you are young, you are always going to be looked at a little more harshly. Not fair, but true. My mom had me at 17 and did it alone and always told me about how rude people could be, so she tried really hard to make me be well behaved so that she didn't have to get the attitude from people. And I was a pretty easy-going girl, boys are waaaay harder. I have a 2 yr old son, and my husband is gone a lot, so I am basically a single mom. It's exhausting. And I usually have no clue what I am doing. So don't feel like a bad parent, you are doing your best. All I can say is keep doing what you are doing- ask questions and do research and keep trying, you will figure out what works for you guys. This is a great place to ask for advice, it isn't like asking your mom or aunt or someone. You can choose not to take it and no one will judge you for it. And even if someone gets snotty with you, it's not as bad as hearing that kind of thing from family. Your pediatrician is another great resource. Ask them any and every question you might have, that's what they are there for. Don't listen to your brother, unless he is going to give you rational valid advice, then forget about it.

As far as the no sleeping goes- mine is and always has been a terrible sleeper. I just assumed that people started out their lives knowing how to sleep. It's like breathing right? How hard can it be? Well, pretty hard. I recommend reading some books about getting your baby to sleep. If it was easy and you were the only one struggling with this, there wouldn't be dozens of books on the subject. You are not the only one. I read and had really good luck with The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. I don't like the idea of crying it out, so it wasnt an option for me either. Don't push a bottle on him, that is something else you will have to break him of to get him to sleep. Always keep to a good schedule, he NEEDS this. And consistency is the key. That is the key to every thing with children, honestly. Every battle you have with your son will come down consistency. If you aren't, you will lose every time. Another book to try for the sleeping issue is Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth or Good Nght, Sleep Tight by Kim West (those have been recommended to me). Keep reading the books until you find something that works for you, his whole behavior might change if he is well rested.

As for the getting into stuff- babyproofing is really the only way to go. He will get into what ever he can, no matter how many times you tell him no. And he will scream when you tell him no. You can spend all your time fighting with him, or babyproof so that you don't have to tell him no except to the big stuff. He will be frustrated and angry if you never let him do anything. I put away everything I didn't want messed up, or that could hurt him, and let him have free run of most of the house. I don't have to listen to myself saying No No No all day or him screaming that way.

You are not doing a terrible job. You care enough to try to fix things right? That is more than a lot of parents. Get on a good schedule, be firm and loving and consistant, and just remember, they don't come with a manual. It takes time to learn how to be a parent.

First of all, every Mom feels completely overwhelmed at least once a day. So that part is normal. All 13 month olds hate being told "no" so that is normal. I commend you for trying to parent on your own. Your brother does not have a clue on being a Mom so just smile and say "aha". Get the book "Baby Wise" and "Toddler Wise". These books speak about discipline.
1. Do not yell at your baby- Repeat "no touch" in a stern voice. Like a talking voice.
2. Pick your child up and remove him away from the item
3. When he screams and swings his arms at you, say what you WANT him to do "Gentle Touch"
4. As soon as he gets distracted give him big hugs and kisses saying "Yay you are playing with the baby toy!!" "That is for you"
5. At night sorry but if you and everyone else want sleep-then he NEEDS to cry to sleep. IF still crying after 45 minutes go check, pat back, and walk nicely out. After 3 days to 2 weeks it should stop.
6. No feeding in the middle of the night, no singing, playing or talking- it is only for sleep- so don't talk just nice gentle pats on the back and leave the room even if he is screaming.
7. Adoption- There is no shame in this option if you keep coming back to this in heart, The Lord may be placing it there for a purpose...
8. Please let me know if my advice works so I can explain better! God Bless!! (I said a prayer for you too- say one for me bc all us Moms need a prayer!)

Hi S..

First as others have said you are not doing anything wrong. I think what you are doing is amazing! I too am a single Mom. I am not young like you but I was not married and was alone from the start. My daughter's father wants nothing to do with her and left the minute we found out I was pregnant. I pursued paternity and he still wants nothing even though she was proven his. Now he is financially responsible but he still wants nothing to do with her and would give up his rights in a second if he could. I was dumb and it happened again, and now I have a 4 yo and my son just turned 2. I can tell you that yes it is hard doing it all alone. Yes there were times adoption crossed my mind especially with my second child. Raising a child alone is hard. At 13 months both my kids woke at night. My daughter started sleeping through around 2 years old. My son still wakes a few times a night. As for the tantrums that is normal too. I would definitely stay away from some of the books recommended. I would go with your heart in the area of discipline. It sounds like you doing just fine. I know it hard to ignore the criticism of others around you when you are doing this all alone, but please try. I used the no cry sleep solution with my daughter to help her sleep through the night, but it sounds like you are doing okay. I need to run, but if you ever want to talk just send me a message.