What About the Extras...???

I think that you are doing the right thing. Kids should be supported in all ways and the other man who just pays support but not a penny more, doesn't have his kids best interest at heart. When you become a parent, its for life. He should be paying for whatever extras he can afford to help his child. You are doing the right thing. GL

M

I would think it depends somewhat on circumstances. Is one parent more easily able to afford the extras? My husband has seen his friends living in an apt while their ex-wives got to keep the house etc and it was the wife who wanted the divorce. So if the ex-husband sees his ex-wife living really nicely and he's not, he may feel she can afford the extra out of the support payments. Or if he's remarried and both of them work while only one spouse works in the ex- family, maybe thats a factor. I would hope both parents want the kids to have as much as can reasonably be afforded and if finances aren't equal, then the parent who is better off should probably pay for the extras no matter if that parent is the mother or father.

Well, I guess this would explain why she divorced him and married you. He's a tight wad and you're a decent father.

Sadly, the 'extras' would be outlined in a legal agreement if her x were required to pay them. So, no, technically, he is not required to pay more then his monthly 'support'. She can however go back to court and try to change the wording of the agreement. But if you have a nice life together, is it really worth it?

:)

As a single Mom who receives child support - I must say that one month's check does not cover even school clothing much less Band fees, competitions, sporting events, extra-curricular activities. Kids get more expensive as they get older. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect it to cover Sunday movies, and goofy golf, but it sure would be nice if it would actually cover some of the basics.

Yes, I could take my Ex back to court to have the 12 year old support plan re-visited. But, now that my son is 15, he has asked me not to because we both know if I do his Father will take it out on him and reduce what little time he sees him back to nothing. Also, right now, my Ex is telling my son that he will get him a vehicle next year and since that is no where in my budget, I hope it works out for my son.

J., I think the fact that you put your children's needs first is wonderful. And give your wife a hug for also putting them first. Unfortunately, I think her Ex is more the norm than you - sure wish more Dads were like you.

Good Luck
God Bless

When you stated you know the definition of support, I actually don't know. I'm curious.

My ex is broke. He's a big sweetheart, loves his daughter and terrible with money. Terrible. He is honorable and pays child support, but I pay for extras. I don't have a problem with money so it works. Some things like music lessons, swim, camps, presents when we're invited to birthday parties (man that adds up) I don't even approach him about because it completely stresses him out. I do approach him about school clothes. He knows I do more (time and financially WAY more) so he is very flexible when I want to go out with friends and he stays with (I was going to say 'my' daughter) our daughter. Our arrangement is oddly amicable but our focus is our daughter, not counting pennies.

I'd say the difference between you & your wife's ex is that you're a GREAT dad and he's being forced to be a father.

I would HOPE that most guys would take your approach. Child support is calculated on a formula that really takes into account very basic support (child care, clothing, food, healthcare, and housing). It does not take into account the costs for extra curriculars and school/education expenses. However, many guys I have found take your wife's ex's approach. Kids cost more then just what a formula would calculate. Now with that said, I have seen some receivers of child support who also do not use that money to care for their children. My son's father paid child support to his daughter's mom and was also paying for clothing, food, and healthcare expenses for her. Her mom lived with his mom and literally spent all the money on partying and then would ask him or his mom for more money to pay for other things for their daughter even though she was receiving food stamps and TANF, daycare subsidies, and had no other living expenses outside of this because his mom paid that.

I agree with Theresa. Your children are very lucky to have someone support them as much as they need, not what is mandated AND it is awesome they have such a great role model. The fact that it doesn't cause friction between you and your wife also speaks well of your family and marriage.

The extras are very important in the well being of the child... but sadly most who pay child support (if they even do) rarely even think of the extras because they are so stuck on thinking "woe is me, I have to pay child support!" and are so self centered and selfish.

You are being a great Dad in putting your children first - as you should.

I think more money should be given as kids age and get into extra things. I find divorced parents who refuse to pay for anything other than the court-mandated amount (and who do have some extra money -I mean if he is jobless or barely making it -it's different), even though their kids need more or want to be involved in activities to be sorry, uncaring parents. I mean -these are his KIDS! It would be a little different to me if they were pitching fits for $200 blue jeans, but if it's for quality extra-curricular activities and some special occasions -he should be helping out.

Reading your other question, her ex may feel you don't need the extra money since you're not working. I do think extras should be paid for but it depends on how much in absolute dollars the child support is and what the financial picture of the parent being paid is. I dated a divorced man w/ 4 kids and bc he made good money, his monthly child support requirement was much more than what would realistically be needed to provide the children with a very very nice lifestyle. (she prompted the divorce) So I don't think he was planning to give more for extras. A friend is divorced and since she's wealthy, her ex says he's not giving any extra. I think it depends on how tight a budget people are on etc versus a blanket statement covers every instance.

My friend's x was required to pay only 240 per month. Insurance was 150, so she didn't buy it. I think a real M. and dad cough up the dough for the extras willing. Now if the adult spends the cash on self, I would directly pay for things and make sure the child attended.

I am not divorced so I don't have experience with child support but it seems that just paying the required amount that only covers the basics of life is very selfish. If a parent can afford the extras but doesn't pay for any how is that different from my husband and I only paying for food, shelter, clothing etc. for our girls? What about the activities, vacations, day trips, gifts and special treats that most parents enjoy providing for their children? You want to provide these things for your kids and would whether you were divorced from their Mother or not. That makes you an awesome parent who realizes that raising kids is so much more than just putting food on the table. Good for you, your children will appreciate that as they mature and realize how much you love them!

Child support is ALL that is required by law. Even if your ex-wife is a millionare, you should still give gifts and extras to your children.

My observation is that when divorce occurs the non-custodial parent usually feels that support is all that's required. Unfortunately, parents are usually so self absorbed that don't realize the child's feelings or needs.

You're doing the right thing!

What you are doing is what should be expected, unfortunately it isn't required. I think camps, band, sports, dr. bills, dentist bills, school clothes, class trips - all of it - should be split by both parents, because child support basically covers food, clothing and shelter, and usually not all of that.

I think you are right, and I also think you are a wonderful father, as well as a pretty awesome husband for not getting upset with your stepkids dad. It puts them and your wife in the middle and no one wins.

Good for you.

And, btw, my ex pays for literally nothing. He lied about what he got paid in order to get the ammount of child support set at the ammount that it was. He never paid for an exrtra, not once.

Some exes are good some are not. Child support is supposed to pay for day to day support. Not that it really covers that mind you but it is supposed to cover clothes, food, stuff like that. It is not meant to pay for extra things the kids need, not that you can get this through my ex's head mind you. So things like band, sports, extracurricular things, are supposed to be shared extra expenses.

Anyway I think both sides seem to have distorted views. Some women think they don't get enough because it doesn't cover all the household bills including the mortgage. Some men think 100 a month covers everything. The truth lies in the middle.

There are many different situations, so I wouldn't judge a father's actions. We don't know the reasons that one father would just pay the ordered amount while another would make voluntary extra contributions.

When my husband and I paid his ex support for years for their two children, he also helped with extras that came up, and bought them occasional gifts, or paid for camp or summer school, etc. But the more times she took him back to court to demand more money and reduce the time he could see them, the more he stopped doing the extras. We saved our money for court/lawyer expenses, and to make sure the children's visits were the best they could be. She got what the court ordered and no extra, since the money was not being spent on the children anyway.

Now that my husband and I are divorced and our daughter together is 9, neither of us pay support to the other. We have a joint checking account that we both contribute an agreed upon amount to each month, based on our current incomes. We each pay her expenses out of this account. We both monitor the usage and if we run short, we talk about how to cover and we also adjust our contributions. We discuss larger purchases ahead of time, but the day-to-day expenses we just go ahead and pay for. I realize not all divorced parents could handle an arrangement like this, but we decided years ago that we would never treat each other like his previous ex did. We agreed to this through our mediator and it got written into our divorce decree.

I agree with you that support is just for the basics. Dad should be helping out with the fun stuff as well.

ideally, a little extra help now and then would be great. it depends, i suppose, on how much is being paid. i have single friends whose child support is less than monthly child care...in that case, it doesn't provide for clothes, outings, food, anything. so i think every situation is different....you just sound like a good dad.

My husband and I both have ex's we have kids with. My ex pays child support (only when he's working of course) and takes the kids every other weekend and I have to MAKE him take them on the holidays he's supposed to have them. He doesn't pay one penny extra either. Which actually is fine. My husband and I will continue to take care of the kids financially, emotionally, etc. But I think its really sad that some men are like this. Just barely do what is "legally" required of them. In fact, my papers say the kids come home at 6pm on Sunday on his weekends. I offered him to keep them overnight and just take them to school on Monday on his weekends...his response? He "legally" only had to keep them until 6pm on Sunday. Wow. That speaks volumes to me. So sad. But my kids are happy because they know me and their step dad are the ones that take care of them and they can count on us and that's all that matters really.

Kudos to you for even caring about your kids financially. My ex doesn't pay ANYTHING! I'm having a hard time financially and I would even be happy with $100.00 a month for my two kids combined. Anyway, it's nice to know that there are good dads out there who care about their kids. I wish my ex was one of them.

Kids are expensive and a lot of time the support goes towards housing, gas, medical bills...so I think it is great you and your new wife also go above the statndard and help out with school stuff and activities.

Time is as important as well,even if the ex didn't want or can't contibute with $ he can always share this time.

Kudos to you and yours!

I get court ordered child support for two children from two different fathers. One of them gladly sends extra money(sometimes without even being asked and he earns much less than the other one too) the other has only sent money outside the court order once in 16 yrs. and he's currently 5 months behind in the court ordered child support.
Anyone who has raised a child knows it takes more than whatever the order says to provide all the necessities not to even mention the extracurricular.
It has been a struggle and there have been many times I've had to tell my children they couldn't participate in something because of it. So I get the silent treatment and the sulks and he's going on about his business not even concerned about doing the right thing.

It is nice to help out more but that is what the support if for I guess... I know while my husband and I were separated I asked for him to buy the kids snow boots cause I bought the snowpants mittens hats etc.. so he bought one kid snow boots saying he gives me child support... That was the only thing other than support he provided at the time.. but I wasnt upset, I was rec'ing the $ from him for the kids.. If you do buy your kids extras make sure you take them out to get it so they know it is from you, same thing with your wifes kids.. Kids are smart, they know who provides them with what! Good luck :)