Wedding - Los Angeles,CA

Updated on July 22, 2012
P.A. asks from Los Angeles, CA
11 answers

So here's the son is getting married and my list was skimpy as the bride has a lot of family. So I had to be selective and invited a friend I have know for over 10 years. She informed me that her husband wouldn't be attending (He doesn't like weddings) so she asked if her son could attend with her and I said that was Ok. Today she asked if her son could bring his gf and she would pay for the dinner and I told her no as the dinner is very expensive. Also, I feel that if I wanted to invite them then I would have since my list was so limited. So after I said didn't think it would be possible she started to say... well if my leg hurts or if I have to go for surgery then he and his gf would go in her place............YIKES. If I wanted them I would have invited them or some other couple that I wanted NOT THEM! I don't want to take this to the bride as she is already very stressed. ANY SUGGESTIONS?? I think it is very nervy that se would assume that it would be ok..........he and my son have no connection other than he tutored him for a while until she fired my son because he wouldn't come over when he had homework to do and she wanted him at her beck and call.
She is an extreemely sensitive woman but I don't want her son and his gf.............period
What would you say/do?
Do you think I could say thar since my list was so restrictive that I hope she will make it..................OR??

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So What Happened?

thank you for all your caring and thoughtful responses!! I will keep you posted as to the results. I am pretty sure that i know what she will the day of she will decide that she can't come and send them instead thinking that the dinner is already paid for. In that case I think that will be the end of the friendship; which probably wasn't a friendship anyway. It seems to be all about her and it's NOT! are 100% correct she seems to really not be a friend she is pushy and it seems to be all about her. Maybe she thinks b/c she sent a nice wedding & shower gift it entitles really doesn't. And get this..........her son gave them a shower gift so I'm thinking, again, she feels entitled YIKES......people.

@K. R. funny and you are right! Also she has been complaining that the reason her son has been in rehab before 21 is b/c she has been overindulgent and now b/c he says HE wants to go to the wedding she is going to allow him to get what he wants.......OVERINDULGENT MUCH!!!!!

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answers from San Francisco on

You just have to be straightforward. I just went through this same thing -- none of my friends went to my son's wedding, and when you think about it, that makes complete sense, because my friends are not his friends. A couple of my friends wanted to go, and I just had to tell them that it was not MY wedding and my son and his (now) wife got to choose their guests.

Just say "I'm sorry, only close friends and family of the bride and groom are invited, that's what the bride and groom have decided." And if she's going to get upset over that, then let her.

I seriously doubt her son is all that interested in going, anyway.

3 moms found this helpful

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answers from Salinas on

Olliesmom, I am a recent bride, only been married for 1 year so far, and have a 10 month old. We were very restricted on our guest also, So I understand where you are coming from..... What I would say to the person is, "I was limited to my invites, and I choose you over several other people because I wanted you and your husband there. It will be okay if you bring your son in place of your husband, but I have to say no to his girlfriend. I hope you can come, but if not then I will just have two less people coming from my side."
If she is truly your friend then she will understand, if not, then she is just an acquaintance and that is it. She should remember that weddings are not for everyone in the family, the invites are just for the person that is on the envelope and that's that.
I hope this will help you out, it is not easy when friends think the way your friend is thinking.

13 moms found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on

Your friend doesn't understand etiquette very well. I would gently say to her that this is actually very difficult for you because you were only allowed a few spots for your own friends, and you gave one to her. You had initially agreed to the son for your friend's benefit, but there isn't a connection between the girlfriend and the bride and groom. Because of that, you really can't have the girlfriend acting in the role of substitute. Tell your friend that if she can't come, you will understand, and of course, the son wouldn't want to come without his mom.

If she is so sensitive that she would dump your friendship over this, then she isn't much of a friend.


11 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on


Confide in your son and send the gifts back or a check for the value of the gifts.


Withdraw the invitation all together in writing. Sounds like she just wants a free meal for the people of her choice, so she can just pay for the free meal at the local fast food place. These are not people you want at your son's wedding.

Sensitive is NOT the word for this woman....NEITHER is FRIEND!

Tell her in no uncertain terms, the invitation was meant for her and her husband. If her husband is unable to attend, it was not a open invitation to others. She was your choice and your list was limited.

I compliment you in not wanting to further stress the bride.

As for the woman offering to pay for extra people...CRAZY and's a wedding not a concert.

I'd back away from that kind of friendship.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Sherman on

HA! tell her it's a wedding not a kegger. you dont get to show up with an entourage!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

If she's close enough to you that she made "the cut", I would be honest. Your guest list was very limited and there is another couple you would have liked to include, but couldn't. If she and her son are unable to attend together you would like to extend an invite to the other couple, so please let you know as soon as possible who will be attending.

Son and GF do not need to attend in place of their parents. That's just ridiculous! This was the EXACT conversation that I had with one of my distant cousins when I got married. About a month before the wedding she called to decline because they couldn't get a sitter. As a result, we were able to invite a "new" friend who was not initially included. They were very excited to celebrate with us and are still very close!

Be honest, but polite. She's sensitive, but is sounds like she's also pretty pushy.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Amarillo on


Since she wants to create a scene, send back the gifts if possible and take her off your friend list as she is not one and never was. Should she turn up at the reception, firmly turn her away. Anybody can go to a wedding (in a church or garden setting) it's the reception that costs.

You were nice to her to allow the son. You can still be nice and tell her that this will not work adding the girlfriend.

In fact if she insists tell her that it was nice gesture of son attending as her date but you will have to exclude her because you were only allowed a set number and this cannot be changed. The bride's family is the family having the wedding the groom's family kind of shows up. I know my son got married three years back and I felt a bit lost because it was their show not mine. I also kind of invited a friend of my daughter's so that she would have someone she knew at the wedding and got a lot of flack over that from my son. So one day when daughter gets married it will be my show.

Enjoy the wedding and know that this day is just a day in the scheme of things. Congratulations the the new family member.

The other S.

PS The bride's family in my case was also very large and our side small so I know where you are coming from.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I think that you should un-invite her, in writing. Let her know that you need to confirm your guests, and since she can't confirm, you'll just see her at the next event. If she sends someone else, turn them away.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I would just respond that you would like her to attend and if she wants to bring her son that's fine, but you would like to limit it to that.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbus on

I'm with you, I think it's very odd -- I get that the son could be her "date" in place of her husband, but then her "date" brings a date? And why would her son and girlfriend even WANT to go? Definitely a quandary, and I'm bad at this stuff, but I want to see what others suggest. Would it be out of line to put it on the bride and groom in your explanation? Like, "they really want to restrict the list and would feel uncomfortable having strangers at their wedding"? Like I said, I'm bad at this!

ETA: Reading through the suggestions, it seems everyone suggests that you tell her you were limited in space, but I imagine her response will be that the limitations come from the number of meals purchased and she is offering to purchase the additional meal.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Miami on

I got married 5 years ago! at the age of I will share what I would do...

I would tell your friend that your list was limited and that you really wanted her to be there with you and for you....Let her know how much you care about her and her presence.

You can add you are happy if her son comes...

If both she and her husband cannot can decide if the son has meaning in your life and thus you want him to come with his gf. Or you can decide that you would rather invite another close friend to share this happy occassion with you....

This is your happy occassion. You can decide with care and consideration for yourself and your friend.

All the Best and Mazal Tov,

1 mom found this helpful
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