We Lost Our Conection.....

A. I understand where you are coming from and you honestly might have to change jobs. I understand where you are coming from because I have a 4 year old and I am also a single mother. I also used to work night so he would be at school when I went to work and sleeping when I got home. It was not until my mother brought it to my attention he was missing me and that he was growing apart from me that I realized he really did not know who I was because he spent much of his time with my mother. Making money is GREAT especially when you are a single mother but think about the growing up in the end.

I am sorry that you have to go through this, I know how much it hurts when you are trying your best. I absolutely agree with what the other Mom mentioned with spending quality few hours with your daughter until you can get out of this stage. However I have some ideas on how you can get out...

I am a single mother of 4 and am going through a rough lesson in budgeting. The key to your situation is reducing your expenses.

I have had to seriously reconsider my priorities and take a serious look at my expenses and where my money is going. You would be surprised to see where your money goes. Two things that have helped me to "keep from drowning" and reduce my expenses are the following.

I wrote down everything I spent my money on for the week. I carried a small notepad in my purse and I wrote down everything, tolls, the bottle water I bought, lunch at work, etc. Add everything up at the end of the week to see where your money is going. Figure out what are your necessities. MOST HAVE's (Electric bill, Rent/Mortgage) Then see where is it possible to reduce your costs (bring lunch to work, meal planning to reduce your food cost, cut out snack foods which are very expensive, etc.)You might have to make "sacrifices" but none can be worse then the sacrifice you are making now in not spending time with your daughter.

Second there is a website for help in getting a hold of your debt- it's free and its something called the snowball method. It allows you to re-arrange how you are paying back credit cards, etc to get out of debt. (I am not a salesperson or anything, this really works) Most likely if you are like most Americans your credit cards are eating up a nice chunk of your money. Check out the website for yourself http://www.creditshack.org/calc/snowball-calculator.php

You have already shown how strong you are and dedicated to doing whats right for your daughter by working two jobs- NOT easy!! Truly look at what you are spending your money on and how you can reduce the weight you are carrying. It will be better for your daughter and for you.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to contact me. May you and your family continue to be blessed!

A.

A.,
I'm so sorry for the situation that both you and your daughter are going through! I am a single mom to a 4 yr old boy, and i know the financial struggles. When I found out I was pregnant, it was 2 weeks before I was supposed to leave for college.

After thinking and praying, I decided not to go t college. There are times now that I think about my friends and the experiences that I missed in not going away to college, but there is nothing that could compare to the life I have with my son! I also had to think about jobs, etc. I grew up with my mom at home with me and my 3 siblings until I was about 8 years old. Then she was home for a couple of years after my little sister was born, and then at work again.

I wanted so much to be able to provide that for my son, and my family, even though my parents are separated, wanted that for my son, as well. I didn't start working until my son was just under 3 yrs old, and even still it was less than 10 hours away from him. Today I do have a job that requires me being gone more often, but it is a job that is sporatic. Sometimes I'm gone for 10 or more hours straight, but then I may not work for another week, or I may work 10 hr "shifts" 5 times in one week, and then not work for another 2 weeks. I live at home, and fortunately my parents are supportive of that.

it may seem easy to just say, "no, I'd rather not work, thank you", but it is *very* tough. It's hard to be a single mom and not have a consistent flow of money for my son and myself. Fortunately I've developed a very TIGHT way of doing my budgeting, so if I have a week where I make a bunch of money, i budget it for the times that I don't work at all. I don't have a single penny for new cothes, or even thrift store clothes for me or my son. I've been so blessed to stay the same size for 2 yrs, LOL, and that friends have given my son wonderful hand-me-downs. I also don't have money for toys. I buy some things for birthdays and Christmas, but not anythnig extravagant, and lots of times it's used. but you know what? my son has never asked me if what I got was brand new or used, and has never seemed to care either way!

It's tough, but I would encourage you to look really hard and see if there are things you can cut back on, major sacrifices you can make, so that you won't have to be away from your daughter. Can you live at home? Can you live with other family? As someone else suggested earlier, can you get a roommate? I know there is a website I found a while ago that is JUST for single moms where you can post whether you are looking to share the home you have, or share someone else's home. it's very detailed, and you can put out basically a "wanted" ad and you can choose if you want a yard, if you prefer no smoking/drinking, age(s) of the other mom's children, if you would rather, or rather not have your child share a room with the other mother's children, etc. The website is: http://www.coabode.com/

It's a great resource because not only would your financial burdened be decreased, but you would have the support and friendship of a fellow single mother. They do have a small registration fee, BUT, they offer their services FREE to mothers on an "as needed" basis.

Also, as someone said, I would highly recommend *not* telling your daughter that you have to work so she can have toys and clothes. That only makes her feel is if it's either A) her fault that you have to be gone, B)toys and clothes are more important than being with her, and/or C)that she is not being heard and understood when she expresses that she wants to be with you.

I understand that you need money to survive. I would HIGHLY recommend looking for alternatives. It can be difficult, and seem impossible, but there's always things we can do to. Whether it's sacrificing new stuff, for used stuff, or not buying "stuff" at all. Eating cheaper meals, and not eating asmuch processed foods, not eating out *at all. Ever*, sharing a house/apartment with family, sharing a house/apartment with another single mom, etc. These things may not make it so you don't have to work at all, but they can make it so you won't have to work as often.

As for college, I don't know the whole situation surrounding it. i plan to go back to school, and am motivated for when that happens. however, I fully believe that being with my son now, in his early years, is much more important. School will always be there, but his childhood won't. There will be plenty of time for it when he's older and doesn't need me as much as he does now.

Please keep us updated. I'll send you a private message and give you my email addres.
blessings,
D.

Oh my goodness this is like reading a page out of my personal journal. I also feel this concern.I have a 4 year old daughter. I have to work two jobs to make ends meet. My mother gives me the guilt trip every other day which doesn't help that I am losing out on time I can not get back. I am so exhausted that by the time I do get to sit down with Sam I have no energy and she has energy to spare. She also has a Poppy that spoils her rotten when i need him to watch her while I work, and I go pick her up and you think she is facing a death sentence. I know she loves me, but it feels like a stab to the heart when she seems to pick Poppy over me. I don't really have any advice because I am in a pickle myself, but I just wanted to let you know I know what you are going through. I wish there is some miracle job out there that would allow me to spend more time with my family. I see those training things at home<medical billing...blah blah blah> but they always want this huge deposit for schooling, and if I could come up with that type of cash readily, I wouldn't be working two jobs! So do me a favor if you get any good suggestions with your plea, forward them to me would you? I do know this, those evenings when I read to my daughter and she asks me for 6 kisses and hugs, and I smell the bubble bath scent in her hair I cherish those moments, and try to think of that whenever I feel like I don't exist. Keep your chin up, I am sure you are a Wonderful Mom, you are just a hard working one like me. :-)

Hi

I am not sure what to tell u about all that u have going on but the one thing i picked up on was that you daughter cries when u leave her at the daycare. As a mohter of 3 please listen to her cries and always use your instinicts. I am sure she misses u but are u sure she is not trying to tell u something about the daycare. keep a close eye on her and make surprise visits to the daycare to make sure everything is okay. Keep in mind in ur heart u know u are doing the right thing and u are trying to provide a future for her and u but she does not understand that. Be careful u cannot get the time u lose back. Spend as much time with her and love her!

A.,
It seems your heart is in the right place. The simple fact is new toys and new clothes are not as important as you spending quality time with your child. Although you may think it is a struggle not to have money for extras, it is more of a struggle for your little girl not to have time with mommy. At this age she will definitely not care if her clothes and toys are new. Peace & Happiness, M.

I really feel sorry for you. I don't know how you do it. I work only 32 hrs a week and leaving my daughter in daycare for that short period of time truly breaks my heart I don't know if I could manage with your schedule. You might want to consider some other options like doing some classes online or changing your second job to a job that you can work at home that way you can do your work or homework when your daughter is napping etc. Also, look at your finances see if there isn't a cheaper car or house you can live in so you don't have to work as much. Spending time with your daughter is so much more important then toys or clothes so don't let her think you are working so much for her to have new toys and clothes. You will give her the impression that material items are more important. If you are working for those items then cut it out. Your daughter doesn't need new toys or clothes, go to a used clothes store and get her stuff there, build your own toys out of boxes or something she will love that much more. By cutting out new items like toys and clothes you can reduce your monthly bills and hopefully cut back on hours. I would tell my daughter I have to work so hard so she can have a nice, safe place to live and food on the table etc. Let her know that you are working to give her the necessities otherwise you would be home with her. I spend every second I have (that I am not working) with my daughter no matter how tired I am. Spend as much quality time with her and help her feel secure that she is the most important thing in your life. Also, see if you can't get her father to help out more so you can spend more time with your daughter. From what I have learned is that children grow up way too quickly and your are really missing out on some precious moments with your daughter, time you can't ever get back so fight for that time if you have to stop buying some luxury times (i.e new clothes, junk food etc) or turn of the TV anything to save money so you can cut back in hours would be so worth it. Good luck and I wish you guys the best!

Sounds to me, A., like you are an absolutely wonderful mother doing everything you can to ensure the well-being, happiness, and secure future of your daughter. I'm sorry you've struggled so much. But I believe what you are doing right now to improve the future and maintain what you have will only help you both in the long run. In the short run it is obviously tough on you both. But remember, she's also 3 years old. All toddlers, whatever their age, go through phases of not listening to mommy (or anyone else), crying for what seems like no reason, and generally playing on mom's emotions because, well, it works. You describe yourself as "trying to do my best." I say you ARE. You obviously spend all the time you possibly can with your daughter and rather than wallowing in the single mom blues, you are working toward the future and making the best life you can for your family of two. Be proud of your accomplishments! Good luck and best wishes.

Hi A. -

Bless your heart for trying to do the best you can with the resources you have. Being a single mom is not easy even when you do have help from family and friends.

In your post, you said that you have to work both jobs to pay bills, not luxury items such as toys and clothes for your daughter, so it looks like you'll have to continue working these jobs until (A) you can get a better-paying full-time job or (B) your child's father can contribute more to the household.

Until either of these things happens, spend as much quality time with your daughter as you can. I know you must be exhausted when you get home, but try not to let your daughter see your fatigue when you're playing with her. A couple of solid, focused hours of playing and/or bonding everyday is an investment in your relationship with your daughter. You don't have to spend extra money to go out either...playing with her toys, doing crafts, reading books, and even napping together are great ways to bond. I did all these things when I was working two jobs (18 hour days) in Hawaii and my husband was working one full-time job at 70 + hours a week, and my children didn't suffer. My mother, our primary caregiver at the time, was of course the center of our children's universe when she was watching them, but when I took over full-time, they transitioned nicely. My mother was always great at keeping us up-to-speed on all the little milestones we missed throughout the day so that we didn't feel so disconnected to our children. Maybe your mother could do that too.

Whatever you do, don't get sucked into the guilt of feeling inadequate as a nurturing mother because you have to support the household by working two jobs. Nurture your daughter when you're home with her, and as she gets older, she will realize what a truly, strong, independent woman you are to have sacrificed so much to raise her the best way you could. Keep the faith! Blessings to you and yours.

Hi, A.! I am a young single parent as well. I am 23 with two children, and I had the same problem with my son when he was little b/c I worked full-time in the day and part-time at night to make ends meet. All you can do is what you have to in order to pay bills and keep your child clothed. She will soon realize that mommy is doing it b/c sbe has to, not b/c she wants to leave me. It is hard but do what you have to nothing less. What I used to do is when I did have time with him, I would do something he wanted to do, and made sure he was happy when he was with me. Another thing you could do is find someone looking for a roomate and help share the bills that way you can spend more time at home. Alot of people think doing the whole roomate thing is a bad idea, but if you find someone who has the room or in the same situation it can really work out for both. Hope everything gets better, and also remember you won't be in this situation for ever, it will get better b/c you are bettering yourself.

It seems like you got some good advice. Can you stay at your mother's on Tues and Wed night? Maybe you have cuddle time in the morning with her. !0 min a day could do wonders.

Other than that, do not get riddled in guilt. Nothing good can come with feeling guilty. You are doing the best you can and even though it's so hard right now. She will not remember it in a few years. If she's safe and happy with your mother and at school count your blessings. And you should feel happy that she does miss you right? At least you know how important you are to her life. Good Luck and congratulations on pulling it all together. Stay with school, your future will be a lot easier because of it.

I unfortunately don't have any tips for financial issues but I can suggest not telling your daughter you have to work to buy her toys and clothes. She is three and could care less about toys and clothes if it means mom is not there. I'm sure it's tough just try to make the best of the time you have together!

A.,

Your story really hit home. I had a similar situation working days, going to school nights, and working part time to make ends meet after my first divorce. My children were much older, and still did not understand why I was not there. They ended up developing a closer relationship with their dad, and now 16 years later, we still don't have the closeness we once had. I know that is largely because they got caught up in the middle, and were influenced by their dad, they also did not like my second husband. My second husband and I are now divorced, so I guess they were right, but now they don't want to get to know my new boyfriend. I'm not saying what I am to discourage you, just to let you know the potential. You must evaluate what your needs are. You say you only have one daughter. I had three children to support. The child support I received was minimal, and the oldest was 18, so got none. Therefore, I had to work all the hours that I did. Just keep in mind that this will not be permanent. Once you graduate you will make more money, and not have to work so much.

A.,
I am sorry about your situation, it brought tears to my eyes. I can only imagine the tension you must live in as a single mom providing for her in all ways. I commend you wanting to further your education and trying to make a better life for your daughter. I would give her all you can when you're together, keep her included in what you do like doing "homework" together and stuff like that. Keep open communication with her as much as you can with a 3 year old. My daughter's 2 and I am always telling what I am doing, they feel included and respected in their little worlds.
It won't always be like this and that's something to remember: you won't be in school long, remembering that life is busy right now can help you reorganize your life in the next season to open it up more for her.
Hope this helps.
Mommy of 2 year old going on 12!