Wanting to Be Happy with Pregnancy After Son Passed Away from SIDS...

I can only say ditto to what everyone else has already said. It is VERY normal to feel what you are feeling. After our baby girl died I couldn't hold other peoples' children & that's ok. I was able to hold my own & for that I was grateful. I delivered my next son 1 yr later & feared that something would happen to him too, again very normal. So I felt that detachment thru my pregancy, loving this baby, but so afraid to give it my whole heart. But when you take this child in your arms, there is that bond that will happen instantly. There is also the fear beforehand that you are somehow replacing the child you lost. Again, all I can say is that when you hold this new baby, you'll realize that this baby doesn't replace the lost one, only redefines the family just a tad more. Your heart grows large enough to hold them both. We are embarking on what would be our babies' 28th birthday. We still remember her, think of her often & feel she holds that part of our hearts that belongs only to her, but having had 2 other children after her as well as 2 before her, they didn't replace her. They each have just made our family all that it is, INCLUDING her. Yes, you'll worry about SIDS & every other thing that can happen to this child, because you will love this baby too, as an individual. My heart & prayers go out to you. Gosh just reading your entry made me remember SO well those feelings! But it's VERY VERY normal. Bless your heart!!!

anniversaries are sooo hard...both the birthdate & the date of death. The timing on your request is uncanny. In the 16 years since our daughter died, what I've learned is that you have to allow yourself the freedom to express your feelings. You cannot keep this bottled up inside....it has to be released.

For me the turning point was when I read a book which was about an Indian squaw losing her baby during a raid. It was about how the loss of a child can relate thru generations. In the book was a phrase which simply stated: once a child is born, mother & child's souls are forever twinned.

It is that phrase which has helped carry me through the last 16 years. The imagery & metaphysics behind that thought continually provides me with the courage & strength I need to carry on. Knowing that I will never fully-lose my daughter, that I will forever carry her in my own soul...is what has given me the strength to feel joy again. Allowing myself to feel joy is ...in a way allowing Gracie to also feel joy.

It totally bugs me when people say "you need to move on". You do not move on.....you simply find another path to follow, one which you will always share. I have now reached a point where .....honestly & truly, I do not think of Gracie each day....but when I do, it is with a feeling of sharing. I always start with, "I love you, I miss you. You are in my heart & soul".....& then I think my thoughts. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I just think. But, now I know it's ok.

As for milestones, anniversaries, etc....each time your new baby reaches an event, you will feel loss. But as long as you recognize your feelings & accept them, they will not consume you. Acknowledge your emotions & embrace the child you have....& all will be well. & if you need help, The Compassionate Friends are a great group to contact.

You will be in my thoughts & prayers. Feel free to personally contact me if you want to talk.

think of your pregnancy as a blessing. Don't focus on the death of your son but the happiness of his life. I thought of this youtube video, when I saw your posting..I know not the same circumstances, but it shows how these parents celebrated the time that they had with their son.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=th6Njr-qkq0

I cannot imagine what that would be like. My heart aches for you. I don't think there's anything wrong with not being excited about your pregnancy at this point. Especially with the anniversary of the baby's death being this month. Don't feel guilty for feeling sad and missing him. You will always miss him. He will always be part of you. If you embrace that instead of trying to forget, it may help. I think as you progress in your pregnancy, you'll be more excited about the new baby, especially once you can feel it moving. Best of luck to you!

Hi A.,

I just could not read your post and leave it there. It broke my heart, and I just want to say to you that what you are feeling is normal and human. I am so sorry for what you have experienced, and I think that with the passing of time you will feel better. I imagine is very hard not thinking about your lost, and feel that lonely sadness; however, you must to think of the new baby who is, as you said, a gift. The little one you have inside yourself is not replacing the other baby, he is another blessing from God, another little one who will make you happy and with whom you will find peace and joy. Another little one who will need you a lot.
A., your feelings are normal, but if you feel the need to talk to someone, find help with a doctor, with a very close friend to help you in this long journey. You will be OK, time helps to heal these experiences; don't feel bad or guilty about anything, just pray and work on these new relationship with your new little angel.
As I said, time heals many things and as human beings we have to learn to deal and help ourselves with painful moments, but after these, I can assure you there are great happiness and joy.
Take care of yourself and your baby as much as you can and find positive people who help you thru these difficult moments.
God bless
Alejandra

I had a friend in the same situation. She lost her second baby within a week of his birth so it was a little different. But, she went through very extensive counseling, went on medication and she has found a great balance of remembering Alex and cherishing his memory and allowing herself to continue creating new memories with her first child and the two she gave birth to after she had Alex. It was a very dark time for a while but with the support of her husband and a counselor, she got through it. You will to. Be patient and forgiving to yourself. Accept all of your feelings as ok. Try to forgive people who try to be helpful but end up saying things that hurt you. Love all your children. You will be ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so sorry for your lost. What you're feeling is only natural. I hope for the best for you and your family. A new baby may heal the wounds and make you look forward to a happy future.

Hi A., try to focus on the new life and just hold the memories of your other little guy close. I had a miscarraige (I know not the same - but still h*** o* us). When I got pregnant I felt guilty for that, that some how I betrayed the first baby because I didn't give him/her life. I still think of that baby and wonder what it would have been? Would have it looked like my other girls? You are always going to think of the baby you lost, embrace his memory and the new memories that you are going to have with baby #4. I'll be praying for you. God Bless

I am so sorry for your loss. I won't pretend to be able to understand the pain that you have felt. I do, however, understand the feeling of being unable to bond with your baby during early pregnancy. There are lots of different reasons for this to occur. If you think of it in terms of being very conscious of taking care of your body & eating healthy, you will be doing everything that you need to at this point. When you start to feel your baby move inside you and as you get further into your pregnancy, it is very likely that you will feel more of a connection to the baby. I wish you and your family all the best & congratulations for being blessed with another angel!

A.,
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine that. I have to admit with my son, who is turning 1 in less than two weeks, I worried about SIDS. I worried about how hot he was sleeping, how many clothes he had on while sleeping, etc. I am relieved he is passing this 1 year mile marker. I want to tell you that I think your new pregnancy is a gift from God, to help you move forward with your life. You are not forgetting your son, you will always cherish him. Maybe this brought the family back together? Helped with the separation with you and your husband? I don't know, but I try really hard to look at the positive in bad things, and what I see is this new pregnancy bringing a family back together, and helping everyone get through (or done with) the grieving process. Take care, and congratulations on your new pregnancy. B.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! What a blessing!

I am so sorry for your loss of your son. I believe this has got to be the hardest thing for someone to go through, so my heart is breaking for you. As everyone has said, this new baby will not and could not replace your son. He will always hold his very special place in your heart. This is a brand new life.

I wondered when I was pregnant with my second daughter if I would love her as much as my first daughter. Silly, right? But I knew I loved my first and only child with all my heart, so how could I love another child as much... I know this is a different situation, but I love how simply my mom said it. Our love doesn't divide, it multiplies. When that new baby is born, a whole new love all their own is born too.

And you will have 4 children - 3 living and 1 little angel in heaven waiting to see you again. God bless you and your family.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. My mom lost a baby boy when she was seven months pregnant and although she never really "knew" him, she has never forgotten the baby. She even named him.
It is perfectly natural to miss your son and you will never forget him or replace him. This new life is exactly that: a new life. As difficult as it is, try to remember that this is a new baby, not a replacement for the precious son that is gone. Try to take care of yourself and this new life. Teach him/her about his/her "older brother" and how much you loved him. This will keep his memory alive. Reassure your new baby that you are grateful that God gave you another child to love; that he/she never was or is a replacement for the son you lost, but a wonderful God-given opportunity to mother once again.
I will pray for you. I wish you the best and send you peace as you approach the difficult and painful days ahead.
K.

Although I cannot relate to your feelings, I can understand. Think of it this way, things happen for a reason and maybe during this time your little Osceola is letting you know it's okay to move on and be happy and give another child love as well, after all this new baby is his little brother or sister. He will always be with you. Why don't you do something in his honor. Plant a tree, take a family photo and include his picture or something that was his. You may need to find a little more closure during this first anniversay, but it's natural to miss him a little more during this time. Don't feel guilty about this baby, you will be amazed at the love you will have for it as time goes on, and still be able to smile of all your memories of Osceola. I can't imagine the amount of pain you have had, but try to replace that pain ar ese it a little with your new blessing. You are still meant to have another child, and I believe this is the way Osceola gives you his blessing. Take care.

A., I too am a SIDS mom, and I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I have been trying to think of what to say since I read your email earlier this afternoon. Reading your note brought back so many memories. I remember being pregnant after the loss of my daughter Kathryn. She passed away at the age of 2 months and 19 days. We had tried for a longer time to get pregnant with her than we had her two older sisters so we decided not to not try to get pregnant again. As it turns out we got pregnant very quickly.
I too was happy that I was pregnant, but I was not excited. I was not ready for the new baby to be born. Some days it felt like dejavu, had my last pregnancy all been a dream it was all over so fast and I had nothing to show or it. They were going to only be 13 months apart. I was sure the baby was ok as long as he was inside me so I just decided that as long as I was pregnant I would enjoy it and not be too excited for the day he would be born.

As the anniversary came it was so hard, it was like a video tape playing in my mind, one that I couldn't turn off, it was just there with the memories of exactly how the day had gone, the night before and the day it happened, little milestones, good and bad. But the baby in my tummy was still there, safe.

After that it actually became a little bit easier and I began to think of him as my link to her. When he was born I remember him lying on my bed, smiling up at my ceiling, looking past me, then looking at me, then back at the ceiling, and I said, is Katie here, and he got so excited, his arms flailed and he kicked and he smiled so big. He knew her. He was a comfort to me and even when he grew a little older he seemed to know when I needed a hug, when I was missing her the most, he could just tell.

When he was first born, we had him on an apnea monitor... you can get those prescribed by your primary care dr if you would like. It was a comfort to us, we used it for 6 months. Just to see those lights blinking in the night and know that he was ok was a comfort. Even though we knew he was going to be ok.

We also contacted SIDS resources in St Louis. If you havent yet, please call Lori Behrens with the St Louis SIDS Resources or you can even call me, any time, I am always available for a SIDS parent to talk to .... my name is L. and my cell number is always available ###-###-####

I would just like to say thank you for posting this. I lost my 3 month old son xzavier to sids 8 years ago this last oct and oct is also the month i found out I was newly pregnant. for me this was not a planned pregancy. my first reaction wasnt even to be happy but to be sad and depressed right off the back. I have been sitting in my home feeling myself go deeper and deeper and when i look online today i find your post which tells me i am not alone and these feelings im haveing are normal. thank you for shareing your story with other moms and people looking for some type of answers

You have so much going on right now it is ok to feel this way and more.Being happy with this pregnancy it's going to take time but feeling the loss of your son is heartbreaking.You don't want it to happen again and the fear and worries you have are taking over.I can understand that.You and your husband take care of each other.May everday of your pregnancy be a blessing.You have alot to look forward to.

WOW!! You're only 28! I'm 25 & I'm not even married yet. Anyway on with my sage words of advice (LOL). All I can think to say, other than to send my deepest condolances, is that the little guy you're missing so much is a seperate child than the one that you're about to bring into the world. You need not feel guilty about loving this new life. Your feelings for your late son are totally seperate from those you have for this new little one. I can't even imagine how hard it is to lose a child, it's something no one should ever go through. However, in this cruel existance called life, it does happen. I am a firm believer in 'nothing happens for no reason'. Your son would not have been brought into your life had he not been meant to exist. The light he brought into your lives will burn bright forever & he will always love you! He is your little guardian angel now who will always stand watch over you and your family. This new baby shouldn't be seen as a replacement or a bandaid but as a new beginning. You still have 4 kids, & that's never gonna change. Again, I am deeply sorry for your loss, & good luck with your new little bundle of joy!

I am so very sorry for your loss. I think it might be beneficial for you to reach out to a support group. There are some on line and many others in you physically go to. Your OBGYN may have the name of a few. When I miscarried I found support online at babyzone.com. They have message boards with great hosts. I know one is called Parenting after child loss and Pregnancy after loss. Good Luck to you and God Bless.