Want to Do Foster Care, Husand Does Not

Mommy G-
I'm sorry to hear that your family is going thru this - and admire what your goal has been - however as everyone has said -there are 2 sides to this coin- I've known people over the years that have done foster care - and 1 has ended up adopting one of the children she raised - and also lost 1 of the children she tried to adopt when the biological parent came back to claim the child. It was emotionally devastating for her -especially knowing why the child had been removed from the home in the first place. Another couple had to have their teenage child removed due to physical violence-the child didn't know any other way of dealing with their emotions - than to attack both adults and children in the home.

These children have a wide variety of issues-both emotionally and physically - and can be very demanding of your time, attention and draining of your emotions....if you had to spend a huge chunk of those personal resources - ie time and emotions with a child you took in for noble reasons- and it denied your own children those valuable resources - would it be worth it? Somewhere down the road when your own children are older - and if one says to you - "I really needed you but you were too busy with X" -how would you go back and fix that? Or a foster child does something that hurts or endangers your own children - how do you live with the guilt? A close friend of mine was a social worker for the foster system - and although she shared several wonderful stories of great outcomes - there were many many others where she was called out in the middle of the night or on weekends to remove the placed child from the foster home for a variety of reasons.

You have not mentioned how old your children are - but maybe you can put your dream on hold until your children are older - and revisit it with your husband at that time. Many couples become foster parents when their children are older and/or out of the house - because they now have the time and resources - financial and emotional - to fully dedicate to a foster child. Many people are under the impression that there isn't a financial investment in a foster child -that the "system" fully takes care of that - but it is DEFINITELY not the case - it is very costly.

If you feel that you can't live without doing this-maybe some counseling would help you to deal with the disappointment - and maybe resentment towards your spouse's change of heart. Since God has given you 3 wonderful children - take this time to dedicate yourself to them - as you work thru this.

Best Wishes - P.

While that is a very noble thing to want to do, your marriage comes first. It is a huge responsibility, and your husband has every right to not want to do it. There are so many ways that you can help children, especially in these hard economic times, I would focus on finding some other way to fulfill your wonderfully generous spirit,and maybe at some time down the road you could approach our husband again.

I really don't know what to tell you either way but I can share an experience that my friend who did this shared with me. They wanted children for years and were able to have one against all odds. All future attempts to conceive were just finally let go after years. They decided to foster instead. They brought numerous children into their home from all walks of life and different backgrounds but typically these are very disturbed, angry or sad children with lots of issues understandably. I think its so admirable and wonderful of you to want to do this but do you think it could affect your children to experience all of this? What types of things would these chldren teach yours? Would they learn bad behaviors or act out for attention or get pulled into a wrong path somehow? I hate to sound so negative and judgmental and I'm sure you've thought of all this but I just wanted to throw it out there. Changing the focus from you and your dream to that of your children and how their lives would be altered by all this may help you reason out what to do. Good luck with your decision - it can't be easy and I admire you for your drive to help others.

K.

Foster care is a lot of work and it involves a lot of transitition. I think it's great that your husband was open to the idea. However, it sounds like he is not open to it since the orientation. My personal opinion is this, to keep your marriage strong and in order to provide sufficient time to your three children, foster care may not be right for your family. I know it seems like a big let down. However, you may be able to satisfy your urges and desires in another way....in order to maintain a health marriage and a happy home.

I don't think you can ignore your goal, but put it aside for awhile. Maybe revisit the situation in a year or two? Do some more research together on the benefits/drawbacks, etc. Is there a foster parent network that you can join and talk to?

Fear might be holding your husband back. Talking to other foster parents and getting the low down would most likely help. Time will help as well.

Good luck.

Unless you got married with him knowing that this was your end goal was to be a foster parent and agreed to help you with that life endeavor I would say you will need to find another way to help children who need a positive role model without them living in your home. Also if he has since changed his mind you will need to find out his fears, reservations as the last thing you want to do to a child who already feels unwanted or is missing their family is bring them into another situation where one may want them but to the other they are an inconvenience. Children even if not directly told will pick up on these emotions. Perhaps try a big sister volunteer situation or volunteer at a youth center where they need solid dependable people that will show up when they are supposed to. Make sure many children feel wanted and see a good role model. Consider getting your degree in child and adolescent social work so you may help direct children to the best resources.

Also you say you don't feel that mentoring is not the same and that you don't have time. If you were to foster it would require more time than you could possibly imagine as you would need to work on erasing any poor role models impressions on the child, erasing their insecurities that more than likely have been built in to them all of their lives, and make them feel like they belong. If you don't have time to mentor due to your current household situation then I wouldn't take on foster care as you may have a unrealistic view of what it would take. I know I am not strong enough to do it.
I hope you find your answer and that your heart and your marriage find peace with it.

Sounds like something you should have discussed well before marriage. If he's not up for it you should consider something else as this could put a huge wedge in your marriage.

Hi Mommy G,
Just talk with your husband and find out where his heart is at. This is something that you cannot disagree on or do half-heartedly. Any child coming into a family should feel loved, appreciated and cared for by both parents. You both have to want it for the right reasons. Give it time and talk about it...and see what happens. Only time will tell...

All the Best

I think it's probably a blessing and very resposible of your husband to have seen through the training, but then know his own boundries and decide that he can't handle this. You can't change that about him, and if you go against it there could be some very difficult and negative results for everyone involved. I'd examine why foster care is so important to you - what need of your would it be meeting. Then, find another way to get that need met.

Maybe if you try and view this as a dream which you've had for all these years rather than a goal. I don't mean to belittle it by comparing it to someone who has traveling the world their whole life, for example, but I think you need to view it as something you will do if and when you are able. You have to respect that the impact of fostering will not only be felt by you, but also by your children and husband. Whilst you might be able to tell your children that it's happening and they have to deal with it with your help, your husband is another matter. He is entitled to say no to such a huge life-changing decision. Don't let this come between the two of you, but at the same time don't give up on your dream. Just step back and ease the focus a little. Maybe he'll come around later on.
Best wishes.

Ask for only pre-adoptive children. This way you can foster while deciding about adoption.

Also, make sure your children are ready as well as your husband. It can be trying on your family. The children have experienced so much and they display it very different than children raised by good parents.

Hi Mommy G,

I briefly worked as a foster care case manager. Is your husband aware that there are many types of foster parents (all of whom need to be licensed)? In the agency I worked with, we had foster parents who would do long-term placements, but we also had families who would provide short-term homes for children (in an emergency, or as respite care). Would he be willing to to be a shorter-term foster parent? I commend you on your desire to foster children -- we definitely need good foster homes out there. But it is a HUGE responsibility -- most of the children are coming from bad home situations and need lots of extra TLC (and things like therapy, medication, and maybe even specialized medical care are pretty routine). So unless your husband is fully committed, now might not be the best time to become foster parents. Maybe when your biological children are older, he will finally give in??? Best of luck to you in your endeavors!

R.

I agree with others, give it a little more time. Perhaps your husband needs more time to become comfortable with some of his fears. He may also need to take some time to recognize exactly how disappointed you are to not reach this goal.

I would provide him with knowledge to help him but not try hard not to be pushy. He needs to be 100% on board for a decision like this.

Maybe you & he could mentor a child that is in the foster care system. Getting to know them first without the pressure. I don't know if you have Children's Home Society in IL, but they have programs like that here in FL.

Being a foster parent is a huge responsibility and one that should be embraced 100% by both parents. I think you should have had this conversation with your husband before you got married. Maybe you did, but if he's not on board it's not something you can make him do. Don't make him feel guilty about it either. Sorry, but I think he wins here. That's my humble opinion.