Waiting for "That" Person

Telling them to wait for the perfect person just sets them up for failure.
Because there is no such thing.
I teach my kids that sex and love are powerful and strong, and nothing to be taken lightly.
I especially tell my daughters not to just "give it away" but to treat it like a gift, to take pleasure and ownership of their sexuality. They are not just there to please a boy but to please themselves as well.
I'm GLAD the schools teach sex ed, because many parents are too embarrassed or simply unwilling to do it so kids start relying on each other for "facts" which are often horrendously wrong (like you can't get pregnant if you do it in a hot tub, or pool, because of the chemicals, yep, one of my daughter's friends told me that!)
I've never told my kids they should wait until marriage, but I have (hopefully) taught them to treat themselves and their bodies with respect. I even shared how I lost my virginity at 17 and a half with a not very special guy and how I have always WISHED that I had just waited six months longer, because that's when I met my first true love and I always regretted that he wasn't my first.

I don't know... I didn't want to lose my virginity in my teens, so I waited. I didn't want to waste it on the wrong person, so I waited. It wasn't that hard. He had waited, too. And he and I are still together -- 25 years now. Not rocket science. Just self respect and a plan. Not sure how to inspire that in our kids, but I think we undermine our children by presuming they have no self control or intelligence in this matter.

So perhaps I'm in the minority...but I don't think it's best to wait for "that" person.
I lost my virginity at 15. Yeah, I was too young and didn't know what I was doing.
But all of my sexual relationships have been with people that I've been with in long term relationships (1+ years). I gained a lot of experience and a lot of self understanding as a result. I learned what I like and don't like. I learned my thresholds and how to please myself and others.
I wouldn't trade that for the world. And if I'd waited until I found the right person, it would've been a long, long time.

So I will educate my kids on having safe sex, and how to approach sex with self respect.
But I won't be encouraging them to wait. I just don't think it's realistic, and I'd be a hypocrite if I said I thought it was best.

This is a tough question, because I'm not sure that the majority of people will agree with you that waiting for the "perfect" person is the right thing to do. In my opinion, it would be better to teach our daughters and sons that they have ultimate control over their bodies. That no one can force them to do something they don't want to or aren't ready for. And that sex is something that can be purely physical, but it's a lot better when love is involved. I think that way our children will be informed, unashamed, and hopefully wait until they're ready. I say ready because I'm not sure that waiting for perfection (or marriage) is best.

I lost my virginity as an older teen, and had several sexual partners before my husband. I don't think it scarred me. In fact, I think it was a good thing because I had some experience -- both emotionally and sexually -- and could recognize a good thing when I met my future husband.

The problem is, in your zeal to have them wait for the "perfect" person, you're setting them up for failure because no one is perfect. No one. I'm flawed. I accept that I'm flawed. My husband is flawed as well. I understand and accept his flaws, and he does the same for me. We found each other when we were sixteen years old so we've grown together through the years.

Instead of teaching kids to wait for the perfect person, teach them about the repercussions of sex, both emotionally and physically, and let them make their own decisions. If they make the wrong one, at least you did your best to inform them about what it's all about.

To quote Lesley B. - "We arm them and guide them and then we set them free. They will stumble on their way, and we will be their to support them and help them back up."

Begging them to wait for perfect will only create relationship roadblocks as they navigate the highway of love. Their future therapist will thank you for the business though!

Replace "perfect" with "a mature, loving relationship". Talk frankly and openly about the good things and bad things about sex.

Good for teens: Pleasing the other person (since you're too young to really "need a sexually fulfilling relationship"--I didn't anyway and felt just fine-- you're probably just trying to please the other person or fit in).

Bad: Diseases (graphically described and HOW they are transmitted), hurt feelings, preoccupation with things which won't help your future, pregnancy, etc etc etc.

If you are religious the spiritual angle helps a lot to build morality if not presented in a way that creates rebellion. Also raising kids to feel loved and worthy from birth so they don't need attention and acceptance through sex as teens. Also give them your EXPECTATIONS. Also keep them BUSY! Kids today loiter around with significant others way too much way too young....idle hands are the Devil's playground.

I have to say that I believe that this may be a decision that everyone needs to make for themselves (that means you teenager). I personally don't believe that "that" person exists. I know plenty of people who lost their virginity in their teens and they don't feel that it has been a bad thing. My friends where educated and had access to birth control. No one got pregnant, no one got STD's. Most of my friends had their first sex by age 16 (and this was back in the 90's) - I was the only one that waited and I wish I hadn't!

I plan on raising my DD with a healthy dose of realism. If she wants to have sex with her boyfriend as a teenager I want her to be on birth control and use condoms. I want her to want it, rather than being talked into it and I plan on teaching her to take charge of her body and her sexuality.

I think we can help best by supporting whatever decision they make with regards to their body and their sexuality and making sure that it is an educated decision (through years of communication before they even are teens) and that they have access to reproductive health resources.
Good luck.

Thing is, love/lust, the desire to be with another person, to be loved, to have the attention of another person....does NOT follow all the standard rules. It often makes NO SENSE whatsoever. Often a completely sensible person will do crazy things to be with a person. And as soon as the hormones come in, every 'child' has that need. Same as you and me.

There ARE a couple things you can instill in your kids to HELP. But only HELP, not dictate.

1) Self respect and
2) communication skills

Of course even if they HAVE these things in abundance, they could STILL lose their minds and hook up and do a stupid thing, or a wonderful thing, depending on your outlook. Love makes no sense to anyone who is not one of the people in love. Or who THINKS they're in love, and perception IS reality, at least in the moment.

So yeah, even Mom, a PERFECT mom, the BEST upbringing, has NO CONTROL over it in the end.

Sorry.

:)

I have not yet read the other responses, but I know what DOES NOT WORK: Talking about abstinence only. My experience is this: raised in a very conservative LDS (Mormon) family, my parents were good about talking about sex from an early age but it was ALL about abstinence till marriage. There was no other option and every expectation that I would wait for marriage and that if I did not, it would be the ultimate failure. Well, when I did have sex at age 16 (and not even with a guy I loved, I just had low self esteem and wanted to be liked, plus I was feeling rebellious), my thought process was pretty much, "Well, I am ruined anyway now and there is no going back...might as well (fill in the blank with self destructive behavior). There was no way in hell I was going to break it to my parents and face their wrath/disappointment, let alone all the freaking church leaders I would be expected to confess to in order to get back "on the path to righteousness". No. At least I was smart enough to sneak off to Planned Parenthood and get on birth control.
My extended family was raised in the same religion. Their parents led moral lives and were involved with their children. They thought they were doing everything the "right way". My cousin got a girl pregnant at age 16 and their parents persuaded them to marry. Then his younger brother and girlfriend got pregnant, married AGE 15. Not kidding. THEN his younger sister got pregnant age 18 still in high school. Advising abstinence DID NOT WORK. Modeling what can happen when you have sex obviously did not work, either! My personal opinion is that all you can do is be as non-judgemental as possible so your children are not afraid to come to you if they feel they want to have sex. They need to have access to birth control. And they need to know if they choose sex with the wrong person or before marriage or make any other mistake, that there IS going back and they are still of value and not a ruined person. They need to have an incentive to not just throw in the towel so to speak.
Just my 2 cents.

Times have changed. We are soooo much more uptight than many of our older siblings and (in many cases) parents were. I am not going to tell my son (who is only 6 right now) to wait for the perfect person. I am going to tell him that sex has both physical and emotional sides to it and to wait until he feels he is ready. And I hope that when he begins experimenting, it will be with a girl (or boy) whom he both likes and respects. I don't see it as 'losing one's virginity'. I see it as gaining life experience.

The NY Times ran a great article a while back about a really cool program being taught at a private Friends (Quaker I think) school near Philadelphia. I took a great class on human sexuality in college - it was a super open discussion (lecture and small groups) and we covered so many topics. I think we do kids a HUGE disservice by teaching them only to wait.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/20/magazine/teaching-good-...

ETA: I also plan to talk to DS about abortion and making sure that if he is not planning on being a father, that the woman he is sleeping with (with contraception) is on the same page. DH and I were certainly on the same page on this when I was 18. There was no chance I was going to drop out of school or change my career path and I wanted to be sure he understood that.

This is such a complicated question/issue. I think that the main thing is to make sure that whenever they do decide that they are ready (because, ultimately, it will be their decision), they are equipped with enough self esteem and information that they're not doing it for the "wrong" reasons, reasons based in insecurity or uncertainty or misinformation. HEALTHY does not necessarily look like what others deem PERFECT. Focus on the overall good health of your child.

I am teaching my kids to respect other people. I am teaching them that sex is a very personal, intimate thing. I am teaching them that even if you use birth control it may fail and you may still find yourself pregnant and you have to be ready to face that if it happens. I do teach them that they need to always use protection though.
I am not teaching them that they need to wait for marriage. That would be hypocritical seeing as my husband and I didn't. We were living together for 9 months before the wedding and had been together a few years before that. I wasn't a virgin when I met my husband, I was actually engaged to someone else when we first met.
I am teaching them that if you do have sex with someone you treat them with respect, even if the relationship does not work out in the end.
How are you to know that this person isn't the "perfect one"? Look at how many marriages end in divorce now! At that moment in time that person was the perfect love of your life but you later find out it's not in fact the case. Dating or getting married, it doesn't matter. My parents met in high school and are still happily married 43 years later so "young love" can in fact be true. But you can not guess. You can not use the "wait for The Perfect One" as a gauge, there are too many things that could happen down the line.
There are things that would help though. Schools need to stop teaching abstinence only classes. States that teach abstinence only classes exclusively have the highest rates of teen pregnancy and teen sexual activity in the nation. This clearly shows that they do not work. Parents need to stop it as well. I understand it's largely a religious thing but you need to teach the facts and have an open dialogue while including your religious teachings. The more you forbid something the more tempting it is, fact of life.
If it's already happened, all you can do it accept it and move on. You can not undo it. You can express your disapointment but to get angry, threaten legal action, name call, put down or belittle those involved do nothing at all but ruin your relationship with your child. Use it as a way to open a conversation, not judge.

Sex cannot be hidden these days. Its everywhere..on daytime tv, videos, radio even cartoons. And if their not curious from watching all that, they will find out about it from their friends. Be "REAL" with your kids. "REAL" means to tell them the truth regardless.Because its best that they find out about it from you than their friends. I am very "REAL" with my kids, told my daughter about everything as soon as she got her period. I didnt sugar coat it. We told her about how boys will tell you anything just to get in your pants. I told her about it from a female perspective and her dad told her about it from a male perspective. Did the same with my son. And I we shared some personal experiences. And now they are dateing and my daughter is "in love", I remind her about it ALOT. I told her that I know I cant stop her from doing it but to wait. And if she were to do it, then be safe. I scared both of th up about STD"s a long time ago. Showed her all kinds of gross picks. lol. Told my son about how to keep himself safe to avoid pregnancy and disease. Parents dont hide anything. Its best they find out from you than their friends. Or from makeing mistakes through personal experiences. Be "REAL" with your kids. You want them to feel comfortable talking about these things to you. Be "THE PARENT" and not their friend. My hubby and I had our differences about putting our daughter on birth control. He said it would be like giving her permission to do it. And I said it would teach her how to be responsible and keepher from getting pregnant. Truth is, you cant stop them so its best they learn the facts, from you.

because they think that they have found the perfect person at 16 "AND YOU CANT TELL ME HOW I FEEL!" "YOU JUST DONT UNDERSTAND I LOVE HIM!" I personally waited til I found my special guy, while my sisters well they were ummm...................... well back to me. Did my parents do different things to us. Nope. Did they have different talks with us. Nope again. Teenagers will make their own choices no matter the talks and really you cannot stop it.

My Mom never thought my husband was perfect, but he's perfect for me.
There are TONS of bad examples which teens refuse to see.
They are young - they are optimists.
They put blinders on thinking nothing bad will ever happen to them.
I've got family members who've made bad decisions.
Alcoholism, pregnancy before graduating high school, dropping out, etc.
I make sure my son knows and ask him what he'd do different if he were in similar circumstances.
He's bright, but even still - sometimes teens do stupid things.
He makes us proud in so many ways, but we still watch him like a hawk.

I want my DD to come to me. So far (AFAIK) both her big sibs have had their HS boy/girlfriend be their first. Someone they cared for and were dating for a while. Much better than (as an example) just finding someone at a party to get it over with (when I heard that story, I felt so sad that someone felt that way). My first didn't end up being the best boyfriend in the world, but at the time, he was a decent guy. Could have been better. Could have been worse.

I think you need to talk to your kids, not just once but over time. Tell them why you feel the way you do. About respect for themselves and respect for others. Build them up so they aren't looking for love in the wrong places. About the consequences, physically and emotionally, of grown up actions. My nephew was only 19 when his DD was born and now he has a lifetime with his on again/off again baby momma. A friend the kids know placed her son for adoption when her relationship with her fiance ended and neither were ready to raise a child (college aged). We are honest about these stories because the kids need to know "what if". We don't bash these people. We love them. But life is very different when you have to make choices about another life. We've talked to them about don't and why and what if and how you protect yourself from STDs, pregnancy and heartbreak. And then you just have to trust they'll be OK.

You should rephrase "perfect" person with "respectable" person...the "perfect" person at one period of time can later turn out to be a dud. Abstinence is the best advice IMO and educating them how to be safe if they do decide to become sexually active. Teach them the characteristics of a good partner so they're at least not getting peer pressured. Teach them the negative things that can come with being sexually active as a teen...pregnancy which can lead to not going to college/welfare/loss of freedom, STD's, loss of respect in some cases. Is it worth it?

You have answered your own question....We never know.

I truly don't know how you go back after the horse is out of the barn so to speak (I feel for you, really). All I can say is that I started at a very young age with my daughter. I'm lucky enough to be married to a wonderful man and we often discussed what she pictured her future husband to be like. The answer was always - someone just like Daddy. We made sure that her self-esteem was nurtured from a young age and that she spends lots of time with Daddy. She knows that he is the example of how a man should treat a woman. She sees this in our marriage every day. Sadly, I had no such example and I was promiscuous from too young an age because I was looking for male approval in all the wrong places.

I've had heart to heart talks with her about how special she is. We attend a Christian church weekly and we're very involved there. She knows how special she is to us and God (this is key to us). She knows that God is preparing a husband for her for some time in the future. She knows that dating/sex as it is in today's society isn't something she's interested in right now. She's only 13 and we have a LONG way to go, but she's expressed that she'd like to wait to share that special part of herself with her husband. She understands it's a gift you give someone and that's God's plan for marriage. She has two older girl cousins who are good examples for her.

I don't pretend that I can stop her from having sex if & when she wants to as she gets older. I can only provide her with the tools she needs to make a good decision for herself. Time will tell. If she chooses to have sex before marriage, it won't be because she has no self-worth or hasn't been given the tools to know better. Just my 2 cents.

Veronica Nailed it!!

There is no greater gift a woman can give a man than her own body. In our microwave, disposable world it seems most people don't realize this. That's why it's important to give your body only to the one who will love and cherish both your body and your heart forever. The bonding that occurs during sex changes us--I wonder if the divorce rate wouldn't go way down if people would not allow this bonding to influence who we marry. Just my thoughts...

Veronica P :)

Today it's about teaching our kids self worth and respect. Don't give your precious body to a douche bag who will ultimately forget your name and face....Save it for the one who will love and respect you!