Waiting for Adoption ...

Updated on April 19, 2010
J.H. asks from Signal Hill, CA
13 answers

hi -
I wasn't sure if any of you wonderful moms have adopted children, but my husband and I have been waiting almost one year to adopt a baby. We were matched at one point, but the birthmother changed her mind the day before her son was due. Unfortunately we ended up buying a crib and decorating the baby room because She said she was 100% sure about it and wasn't going to change her mind. Then every time we spoke with her she would say “Did you buy a crib yet?” we would say “No” and she said “Well you better get going it's almost time!”

Overall I've been trying to keep myself busy and keep my mind off of it. But it stinks having to walk by the baby room every day. The worst part of it is I feel jealous of other women who are pregnant - I try very hard not to be because I know that they'll be wonderful parents. It is also hard to hear the news reports of people killing their children, shaking their babies, abandoning their children. My husband says "why don't they give us their child?? We’ll take good care of him/her!"

So I guess I'm asking if anyone else has experienced this. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Thank you so much I appreciate your advice!

1 mom found this helpful

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So What Happened?

All I can say is one huge THANK YOU! Thank you for making me feel less alone, thank you for opening your hearts, and most of all thank you SOOOOO much for sharing your support. You are ALL truly amazing!

To MegandOllie: Wow – THANK YOU so much for your post and sharing your story and your emotions. I know the “change of heart” that the birthmother had for our match was heartbreaking for EVERYONE (us, our families, the birth mom and her family). Please don’t beat yourself up and take care of your precious one :)

To the adoptive mothers (KG, Kristina K, Rachel S, Bobbie K, Cdm2kk, Tovah’s Mom R): Thank you for sharing your adoption journeys!

To those still waiting (Carrie B, Becky W): Carrie thank you also for the wonderful websites! Carrie and Becky, thank you for sharing your posts and I only hope that a little one finds his or her way into your home soon. I also hope that the responses from the other posters help you know that you are not alone. Stay strong!

To Rae: Thank you for sharing your advice to open up the adoption.

To Elisa (and others): Thank you for your advice and making me feel that my emotions ARE normal.

To Cindy G: Thank you for sharing your story. While it sounds that you are choosing not to pursue adoption, I truly hope that one day you are able to get pregnant with your next child.

All my best to all of you!!

More Answers



answers from Detroit on

As an adopted mother your posting called to me.
We had a very similar situation, we had been matched with a mom for about 6 months, had the nursery ready, crib clothes the whole package. Well the BM's due date kept changing and our agency couldn't get a straight story from her. Well long story short, she kept the baby and my world came crashing down upon me. I was crushed, heartbroken, angry, sad, I was lost. We had to close the door to the nursery and.... I am not even sure how to describe those days. I was just a lost little puppy. One month later when I was ready to move one and just go one with life, we got a call from our agency that a baby was born and she was ours if we wanted her.

So the moral of my story is, if this match didn't work, it wasn't meant to be. Your baby is still out there, I know it's soooo hard to wait but I promise, your day will come. EMAIL me if you want to talk. ____@____.com

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Victoria on

My daughter is adopted & I can relate to your story & it is normal! Our adoption story started on oct 2003 & we held our daughter on Feb 05. We went through 13 birthmoms before it finally happened. It was a roller coaster ride and I'd do it again in a heartnbeat!! the day we got the call I was actually in the middle of a pity party, a regular event back then. I was watching a back to the future marathon eating ice cream from the tub & was in my pj's looking as bad as I felt. Husband was avoiding me, knowing he couldn't do a damn thing to make me feel better. I had a full nursery ready & waiting. I can sooooooooo relate to what your are going through, but my daughter fits with our family so much so that people think our bio son is the child that is adopted! So, my only advice is have faith that it will happen & know that your child will one day ask you to tell them about how they came to be & my daughter makes me start with me how much we wanted a baby, so just know that this time, while very difficult is part of the journey. best of Luck to you & hope this helps you feel not so isolated. :)

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I only read Rae's response below, and I have to say that she is being quite a debby downer by mentioning that your child won't have your genes and may be - GASP - different from you! She obviously isn't an adoptive parent, because when people say hurtful, uninformed things like that it really make my adoptive mom's blood boil. I have an adopted daughter and a birth daughter and genetics don't mean squat. My birth daughter was tougher to figure out and much more NOT like me than my adoptive daughter. I'm sure it isn't always that way, and you did mention that Rae.... but why the heck mention that at all??? I don't get your point.

That said, I want you to know, Jane, that your turn will come. I know the disappointment, the anxiety and the WAITING..... And then it's your turn and you soon realize why you had to wait. You had to wait for YOUR child. Your child wasn't ready yet. I promise you that once you have that baby in your arms you will know it was meant to be. It's hard to get past the sorrow of losing one that you thought you were going to have. And I've been there with you with that anger and frustration. And the anger over news reports of kids being killed or harmed. And you just have to take a deep breath and know that you are waiting for the child God has chosen for you. It will happen. You're in my prayers.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Provo on

I know this wont help at all, but I went back from placing my son. I told Allyson that once I give my word I wouldn't go back on it. I did. And I feel absolutely horrible about it. I beat myself up everyday for it. I just want to say from the bottom of my heart that I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I wish I could have placed my son, and given an amazing couple my bundle of joy, but I couldn't. I pray that you will get a baby soon. Real soon.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I just have thoughts to share.
I think your feelings are very normal. I am sorry it is taking so long for you and your child to be matched up. You know that show baby story? I used to watch a different show called adoption story, have you heard of it? The parents usually share their journey in becoming a parent. The length of time it took, and the different issues that arise from the variety of circumstances. That might make you feel less alone or give you hope. I would imagine that sometimes you will resent that they are getting their child, while other times it could be very reassuring to see that despite the many hardships, families do get matched up. Have you looked online for a group that might share strategies for coping with adoption and tips for the journey? Good for you for reaching out and posting your question. I think adoption can take time to happen. I think that losing that baby or waiting for your next baby, opening yourself up to be vulnerable again is challenging. Whatever emotions you feel, especially when you see other people experiencing what you yearn for so much, is totally normal. Don't beat yourself up about it. Someday you will be sharing with your child how much they were hoped for and wanted.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I'm so sorry for your experience...
There are three kids in my extended family who are adopted...the waiting time varies.
To speed it up, you can be open to older kids, interracial adoptions, foreign adoptions, etc.
But it will happen.
Keep in mind that as your child is not sharing your genes, he/she may be very different in basic temperament from you and your spouse.
I mention this only because I have seen adoptive parents sometimes struggle with difficulty really "understanding" their kids in some ways, due to their vast differences in character. But that can happen in all families, not just adoptive. =) It is not meant to be a discouragement, just something to remember later on.
Hope it happens for you soon!!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Lafayette on

I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. We were approved for adoption through our agency last July and matched almost immediately with a birthmother. We also had decorated the nursery, bought some baby items, and I actually had a baby shower. We went to the hospital when she went into labor and I was in the delivery room. We spent time with the baby at the hospital and then the day we were supposed to take him home, she changed her mind. It absolutely broke my heart. And, the situation surrounding this particular birthmother was not good, so in addition to the fact that we did not have the baby we were expecting, we also were concerned about the child's well-being. I think the best thing you can do is keep your mind off of it. Keep yourself busy and look forward to little things that are coming up in your life...vacation, going to dinner with your husband, hanging out with friends, going to a party, etc. Also, do some things for yourself...get a massage, have a girl's night out, etc. It's important to take care of yourself because eventually, you will have that baby you've been desiring.

After this happened to me, I really lost hope that I was ever going to have a baby, so now I have to tell you the rest of our story...9 weeks ago, we got a call from the agency that there was a baby at the hospital waiting for us. The birthmother and birthfather had already signed consent. So, I am now a sleep-deprived, thrilled, exhausted, excited, nervous, happy parent of a 9-week-old boy. It will happen, it just takes a little faith. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope your little bundle of joy will come to you soon!!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Columbus on

As an adoptive mom, I can tell you that your story sounds just like mine and just like my friends who have adopted as well. The whole waiting period really stinks and there is nothing easy about it. But, there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. At some point you WILL have your child and wonder how you ever lived without them.

A couple of things that I learned through our adoption:

Be leary of potential birthmoms who seem "excited" (for lack of a better word) for you and about your preparations for the baby, especially if you've never met them in person. It's sad but there are alot of psychos out there that like to pretend they are pregnant and string along hopeful adoptive parents. Most of the time they don't even ask for money, they are just nuts.

Although you may feel like you are friends with the birthparents, you never really know what they are thinking. An adoption is never final until it is declared final by a court of law. (Unfortunately, we found this out when our bmom tried to get the baby back after 4 months. Thankfully we got to keep him, but it was a battle. The bmom now says that she thinks adoption really was the best thing for everyone.)

Keep your chin up when a friend, relative, whoever announces their 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th... pregnancy. Just remember your time will come and all those people you bought baby gifts for will one day be buying them for you! :)

I think that the whole adoption process makes you a stronger person, and, in the end, makes you love and appreciate your child even more.

Sending good adoption vibes your way! Best wishes!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Davenport on

I have been trying to get pregos for 3 years! We decided not to go for adoption because of the length of time it took several of our friends to adopt. I completely understand how you feel. I decorated the extra room in our home because I assumed I would get pregnant quickly like I did with our son! I think that your feelings are normal! I hope, or else I am in trouble too :)

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Columbus on

Hi AH,
We too are a waiting family but under different circumstances. We are adopting a baby girl internationally from Ethiopia I know how hard it is to wait. I have three children already, we just wanted to give a beautiful orphan a loving family this time around!
The reason I write is to let you know that it hurts me to wait too, and I have 3 little ones to keep me busy, I am jealous of friends having babies too(even though I am capable), I think it's just hard to fill that void to know your child is out there in the world meant just for you and you have absolutely no idea where he or she is or when they are coming into your life. Adoption is SO very hard and very few families understand. Have you considered joining a support group? I know some international groups have them, some churches(Vineyard Columbus), and probably some agencies. I think finding other families would make a world of difference for you.
Also have you considered international adoption? I know,I know...not the same right? But just to get my orphan advocacy out there...there are 147 million orphans needing a home in the world right now. International is a pretty safe bet,unfortunately parents don't change their minds about these little tykes. Some countries(Ethiopia,Tawain) even have infants available;-) Just a thought but I know it's a longshot.
Either way I will keep you in our prayers, I understand the pain of waiting but trust me when I say in the longrun you will appreciate your baby more than any of those other Moms...just keep telling yourself that!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Columbus on

We are currently in the waiting game as well, though it is for our next child. It took us 3 years and lots of fertility treatments to have our son and during that time I definitely had the heartbreak and jealousy that you mentioned. I don't want to go through treatments again so we're trying private adoption now to add to our family. Lots and lots of waiting. Lots and lots of ups and downs. We've already had two possibilities fall through, though we didn't allow ourselves to get too attached to either to guard our hearts. Since we're doing private adoption w/o the help of a facilitator, it's up to us to find the birthfamily. I'm putting my faith in the belief that the right situation will find us at the right time.

I did want to point you to an awesome online support group. It's http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com. It's like the main hub for the Infertility/Adoption/Loss blog world and you wil find lots of people going through the same thing. (Somewhere on there is the blog roll which will list peoples' blogs by category... look for ones that remind you of your situation and you will make lots of friends who get what you are going through!)

Here are two of my favorite adoption blogs. Both have been successful, but read back through their archives to see what they went through to get where they are:



1 mom found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

We are also waiting to adopt. We have two boys by birth and had difficulty conceiving. After trying for 2yrs to conceive after our youngest was born, we decided to go ahead and pursue adoption. we'd always planned on adopting, just not this soon. We began with an international adoption two years ago and as we got our paperwork done, the country put a moratorium on adoptions. It was pretty devastating. So we began pursuing a domestic adoption through a foster/adopt program. So far thats been pretty devastating too, with no real leads, nothing positive. I just don't know where we are supposed to go from here either. And we still aren't pregnant either. :(

I have experience, but no suggestions. Just lots of hugs, lots of 'I understand' and lots more 'good lucks' and prayers.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Terre Haute on

I cried each time a friend said she was pregnant and like you I became resentful to those who did not appreciate their child...........
long story short.......
Be patient. God works in mysterious ways.
I am now the proud adoptive parent of my daughter. I raised her since she was 2 initally became her guardian and finally were able to adopt her (6 years later) She was worth every waiting moment!
Perhaps foster care with potential to adopt is right for you?
Don't give up. Every child deserves a loving family.
Best wishes

1 mom found this helpful
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