Very Lonely 9-Year Old Because of Her Bossiness

Hi F.,

I would like to share some of my expeience(s) w/ you because it sounds similar to some of the issues we shared w/ our daughter who is now 10.

My daughter had some behavioral & social developement problems for many years. For the longest time it never occurred to me that much of it could be due to her environment & how we raised her.

Please allow me to explain that was exactly what had happened.
My husband & I used to argue constantly and we did boss, yell & handle problems incorrectly, & consequently our daughter did pick up that behavior. She did have problems at school making friends & she felt very lonely.

We were able to not only get her into therapy, but we had to correct ourselves & how we handled our problems & spoke to each other. Once we were able to handle situations with respect & calm she began to change too! No one likes to be told what to do all the time. Once she felt she had some control of her life, the bossiness decreased quite dramatically. She learned to ask respectfully & express herself in a better way. She learned compromise & how to give & take. Especially as it was illustrated between me & my husband. This was no easy task, it took years for us to change it.

Our kids learn at least 90% of how to behave from us, the parents. Most people don't like to acknowledge that. Most people don't like to examine their own short-comings, faults, ill-behavior, etc. because it means we have to change & grow ourselves & it's alot of work!! It's a difficult, sometimes painful process, yet the most wonderful enlightening experience people can imagine!

And still, when we're done w/ a particular process, we still are not perfect & yes still have more to improve on!!! For me it never ends!!! I've said it before, it's going to take at least a dozen or more life-times to get it all down straight!!!

I don't know your personal situation, but I do encourage you to examine all influences in your daughter's life, and honestly ask yourself how & where she learned the bossy behavior. Ask yourself how you or any other adult in her life asks her to do something or demands her to do something??? Find ways to change any destructive dynamic that is teaching her this. She's learned it from someone, somewhere.

I urge you to tackle this now, because in my opinion there is nothing worse than a lonely depressed teenager without friends. If it continues as she enters her teens, she may end up very troubled & depressed & may act out even worse. You don't want her on a fast path to self-destruction!

Good Luck, I hope this helps you discover new ways to handle the problem & solve it. Please don"t hesitate to email me if you'd like to chat!

Love, Light & Learning for us all!!

D.

Maybe try a "social skills" class. These are given by social workers, child psychologists, and even speech therapists (speech therapists also teach "communications skills", doesn't mean you have a speech problem). Your daughter would be put in a group of girls her age/similar tendencies. My daughter attended one last summer and it helped. She also made friends there. It was good because she listened and was more accepting of the advice/roll playing/etc from the speech therapist. The therapist would call me a couple of days later to discuss her progress (so as not to talk about my daughter in front of her). She would give me exercises to do at home and gave me a lot of tips.
Good luck!

Your daughter sounds like a bright little girl that is exhibiting(or trying to)leadership qualities...try telling her that wanting to be a leader is great and the great leaders know how to *lead thoughtfully*...Change being bossy into leading thoughtfully...remind her to *please say please* and maybe play games like *teacher*, instead of role playing, and record her being the teacher...show her the difference when she watches herself being bossy and use examples of how she could have handled something more thoughtfully. You are a good mother to be so concerned. it will be hard to change this pattern in her but not as hard if you wait..other social issues will impact her negatively if this continues ie low self esteem etc..somewhere along the line she is not having her needs met so also try giving her more grown up responsibilties like throwing in a load of laundry, making the shopping list or a dinner menu and direct her energy to more grown up things..good luck and bless your heart!

Might be a self esteem problem. Bossing and controlling probably makes her feel grown up and important. Maybe she is having an inner problem with her place in the family...

I think it's great that you tried roll playing with her...Maybe you should try taking her to a child therapist who is trained to direct her better into touching base with her feelings and problems.

Hi F.,

It is painful for mom to see her daughter loose friends. I have 4 kids and I go through different emotion with my all children. I think there's not much you can do after you give her advice. I'm sure you tried to help her out a lot. I think these days, we, parents do too much to our kids, overprotecting. I ofen talk with my husband about that. You remember, when you were kids, probablly your parents didn't get involved with everything concerening chilren as much as we do. Well, I grew up in 70s and children had more freedom. I think we need to value our children's initiatives. If we all the time feed our children with things before they even want, we diminish their desire. My husband said, he became unpopular because he didn't take care of himself well (not brushing teeth, taking shower as often as he should) Then eventually, he had to change his attitude because he saw consequences. You may need to sit back a little and just observe her and let her experiences some pain until she realize herself.

Hi F.. I agree with the person who said that they'd cut off the friendship with the younger kids who she is bossing around. Rather than making her responsible for her actions and needing to change her behavior, it's encouraging the behavior. At 9, she is old enough to know why she has no friends and to decide to change her behavior. Is there a social worker at her school? If so, I would contact him or her. Sometimes in elementary schools, they have small groups that meet with the social worker where they work on these kinds of social/behavioral issues

If she wants to have friends, she can figure out how to change her behavior.

Good luck

Have you spoken to her teacher about it? She might also have some good insight into what is going on in the class. It may be more than just the bossiness, or she might be able to help figure out why your daughter feels the need to be bossy. That could help you change her environment so that she can change her ways.

What about joining forces with your 12 year old in an experiment? Maybe explain the situation to him, and ask if he might boss your daughter around constantly for just one day. She will feel the effects first hand, and may understand how others feel when she does it. Good luck and God bless you and yours!

I agree with the thought that the bossiness comes from us/their enviroment...Does her older brother boss her around or are you and your husband so busy keeping up with life that you are being bossy? I know I am guilty of it, sometimes I am so busy I forget my manners and demand and I am reminded of this everytime I listen to my children speak to their siblings in a forceful way...I've also noticed that my oldest son likes to control the way the others play...this behavior was fine when the little guys needed his imagination but now that they are older and have their own ideas it does cause problems every once and awhile. I would sugggest enrolling your daughter in creative classes where she has to follow some rules but also depends on herself...like cooking or art classes...or Girl Scouts or a sport is a great idea. I also wouldn't be above calling one or two of the mommies of your daughter's former friends and being honest..."Hey we've been having a tough time over here because my daughter has been a little to bossy and we would like to correct it. Can we try another playdate?" and when the mommy says yes do something fun like build a bear where you're daughter won't be able to be bossy and speak to her and remind her before the playdate and other activities. Most importantly if you feel she is copying you or your son then tell her your sorry and make a deal with her or have a sign or funny word she can say when she feels like you're being bossy to remind you both of what's going on. It's really hard when there are feelings involved but I think you are doing the right thing by addressing it! Goodluck!

Hi Faize

Oh boy! I am wondering if she is a Leo (like me). people have said that I have a Strong (bossy) personality. in adults we tend to know how to calm this down a little and become assertive instead of aggressive but in children it's difficult because they haven't learned this skill yet. I would try to appeal to her kind heart. If she is truly a kind person which I am sure she is this might work. Tell her that it hurts others feelings when she is bossy, and that when others are hurt it makes her hurt too. Telling her that others won't like her probably won't do any good because she probably won't care. Letting her play with older kids is ok because she is definitely mature. However, letting her boss the younger ones around is not a good thing because it will only make her more aggressive. Hopefully as she gets older she will come into her own and learn how to be more tactfull.
Good luck
G. L.

Hello F., Happy Mother's day. I feel sorry for your 9 year old. I see you have tried to work with this situation. She is also stubborn. It may be just a matter of time before the young neighbors will have had enough. I hope she learns that people like you better when you can share and get along and enjoy each others company. Life is many lessons and this is an important one. Best wishes, Grandma Mary

I would agree with Diane and Christine. You need to help your daughter now. I would also recommend that you do not allow her to play with the younger kids as you are allowing her to continue to be "bossy" and have her way. Placing her on a team sport will be a great way for her to make friends, share and learn to be a "teamplayer". Do not let her quit the team either, make sure she completes the full season,even if she is "kicking and screaming", otherwise you will allow for her not to learn this social development. There must be some school or community activities for her age that she could get involved that will reconnect her to the other 9year olds in school or the neighborhood.

I would also recommend that you take a step back over the next week and monitor the behaviors of everyone in the household. Watch and you may find that some of these things could be from the home. I usually learn more from sitting back and watching what is going on. Often I have a better understanding then and can approach the problem much more thoughtfully and with better direction. She is definately trying to control her environment and friends, which leads me to believe that she may not be given "choices" in her own life and therefore this could be an outlet for her. It is very common for younger children to want to control things sometimes it is because of wanting independence from their parents or they are "told what to do" instead of giving choices such as : do you want to wear the blue or green pants?

This allows the child to make choices and gives them independence and freedom or"control" for themselves.I fee sad for your daughter as she needs help now or it will not get better.

Hello F.-
I feel like I can relate on a smaller scale...my daughter is 3 and I see a very bossy and demanding child emerge when she is with a playmate. I take care of another 3 year old 2 days a week (who my daughter can be a little rough with) so this issue comes up every time that they are together. Out of desperation and many phone calls, I received a high recommendation for a phychotherapist/parent coach in Summit, NJ. My husband and I just started to meet with her and so far so good...It just helps to know that she understands and can give us, as parents, the correct tools to remedy some of these issues that we are having with her. Go to www.goldparentcoaching.com to read what she is all about--it may be something that you might be interested in looking into-She will even talk to you over the phone if meeting in person is not convenient for you. I believe the initial consultation is free of charge--Now, I feel like I have my own person Supernanny at hand! Good luck!

I don't want this to sound harsh but my younger sister went through this when she was about 9 years old. She was very bossy and freaked out at her frinds if she wasn't going to get her way. Eventually she lost all of her friends and after going through an entire year of having no friends she sunk into a depression. My mom put her on antidepressants and also worked with counselors at school as well as a therapist to get her back on track and her confidence built up enough to make new friends. Thsi whole process took about 3 years. She is now 14 and perfectly happy so everything is behind us. So my suggestion would be to get her talking to a school counselor or someone objective she can speak to before it really starts affecting her. Good Luck. If you would like any more info please message me :).