Venting...my Hubby Thinks He's Too Good to Clean the Toilets!

Updated on December 09, 2011
M.Z. asks from San Francisco, CA
25 answers

Hi,
So my husband and I had a little spat this morning and I need to tell someone! I am pregnant with our 3rd and I don't want to be cleaning w/ bleach type products. I do all the house cleaning and I hired a maid once recently when I was feeling so bad w/ morning sickness. Frankly I thought I do a better job and I don't think $85 a week is in our budget when we have savings to make up for when my husband was out of work for a year two years ago. Prior to kids I was the bread winner. Now his career is going well and he makes a good amount of money but not enough for a wasted $85/week for a cleaning service. This morning he brought up mold in the toilet (while he was in a grumpy mood) and I told him he can clean it...least he can do. He said he makes enough money to hire a cleaning service to do it. Since when did he get this chip on his shoulder that he is a man and doesn't have to help around the house? I refuse to raise my kids that way. I was raised where my brothers did the same chores as me and my sister and vice versa. I'd mow the lawn while my brother did the dishes. Anyone else experience this? I'm so fired up I'm ready to send an email to my husband just blasting him but I know I should calm down so this isn't a bigger thing than it has to be.

What can I do next?

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D.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Well, neither my husband nor I like to clean the toilets. So we have hired a cleaning lady. I guess I truly don't see the problem.

4 moms found this helpful
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M.R.

answers from Dallas on

Mine doenst think he has to clean anything because
he didnt make the mess,
we have kids to do it
its womens work
he makes more money
He will however walk around cussing about it

guess what my house looks like75% of the time? I am not the damn maid.

2 moms found this helpful
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T.J.

answers from Seattle on

Too bad you can't glue the toilet shut and tell him if he's too good to clean it then he shouldn't use it ;)

2 moms found this helpful

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J.K.

answers from Kansas City on

Well, if it was me, I'd just assume that your husband is giving you permission to hire a cleaning service, since he says he makes enough money to hire one. I know you said you don't like that, but hey, I'd pick my battles, and cleaning toilets is something I'd love to have someone else do. My shower too.

11 moms found this helpful
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D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

.

8 moms found this helpful

S.J.

answers from St. Louis on

Oh hunny! I have NEVER heard anyone, SAHM or working mom, say a cleaning lady was a waste of money! You're hormonal!

Seriously, though, I don't think your husband has a chip on his shoulder simply because he is literally stating a fact. He didn't say "that is a woman's job". He just said he makes enough to pay someone to do it, probably better than he could. I make enough money to pay for a cleaning lady also. If I say that, it doesn't mean I am too good to do it myself, it just means I am willing to pay someone else to do it so I can focus on more important things, like my family.

I wouldn't email husband over this one. Save that email for when he says YOU should be the one cooking and cleaning, not him. He doesn't say that? Well hun, looks like you got yourself a good man.

8 moms found this helpful
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A.F.

answers from Houston on

I'm not sure he's saying he's too good to clean toilets. What I would have heard from his comment is: "I don't want to clean them. I don't like cleaning them (and, really, who does?). I make enough money that we should be able to afford to pay someone to clean them so neither of us has to."

But, as a side suggestion, I've fallen in love with Dr. Bronner's Sal Suds for all cleaning (laundry, dishes, floors, bathroom, etc.). No harsh chemicals. I buy mine on Amazon cause it's the only place I've seen it.

If the harsh chemicals bother you, and your husband would rather hire someone (but you don't want to), then try a different cleaning solution.

Sorry if I'm not validating your vent - I know that's sometimes all we want when we're venting. But unless he's said other things that you didn't put in your post, I'd try to re-evaluate what you think he meant by it.

5 moms found this helpful
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H.P.

answers from Houston on

Bless your heart. I don't clean toilets, either, but it's not because I am too good. I just can't stand the things. I get sick going near a dirty one. When my husband and I were just starting to date, he wanted me to take my apartment key back from an old boyfriend and current friend. I told him that that friend cleans my toilet for me and I would take the key and give it to him after he was ready to do the same for me. Prerequisite for being with me--must clean toilets, 'cause somebody has to. I have four toilets in my house, and that alone is worth having someone come in periodically to clean them. They get cleaned regularly, so there's very rarely any real scrubbing to do.

If your husband knows that he doesn't want to do it, then the very least he can do is to have the resources to allow for someone else to do it. He's not demanding that you do it. Yep, your hormones are having their way with you.

3 moms found this helpful

T.K.

answers from Dallas on

Girl, take the help. Look at it as he is teaching the kids that it's ok to delegate!

3 moms found this helpful
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M.P.

answers from Portland on

This is a fight that doesn't have to happen. There are non bleach cleaning products that would be safe for you to use. And there is now a product which has a lever you step on and so you'd never need to even bend over to clean the toilet. Or you can put a product in the tank that cleans the toilet with every flush. I've used that one.

So, he doesn't want to clean the toilet. So what! Aren't there some things you don't want to do. In our house, we each are allowed to not want to do certain things and the other one, who doesn't mind, does it. When both don't want to do it, we look for a solution. There is just no need to get so upset about such a minor thing.

I wonder if your feelings are more related to something else that you're ignoring so that they come out over the toilet cleaning. Hopefully the two of you can talk and work this out.

Blasting him will only cause more difficulty. You really do get more flies with honey than vinegar.

And, would you rather be right or be happy?

I do sympathize. I also have split second anger at times. I've learned to let go of my immediate response and let my intellect back in control. Perhaps he was already feeling cranky and it came out over the toilet. I suggest that it's likely to blow over if you let it.

2 moms found this helpful
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C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

If he shits and showers, he needs to clean the bathroom.

2 moms found this helpful
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J.P.

answers from Los Angeles on

Just goes to show you how our MILs have enabled our husbands. My husband had no idea how to clean until I showed him.

When I was pregnant with #1, he said if it was a boy, he would allow him to spend the night at his girlfriend's house at 16!!! If it were a girl, it would not be allowed. I told him that if he has ANY hint of treating boys differently than girls, it WOULD end in divorce.

I doubt it's pregnancy hormones. It's BS. I agree with you.

E-mail him and tell him that you are going to take him up on his offer of a cleaning service, but that you only need it every other week. We have 4 kids and before our lady moved back to Mexico, I had her come every other week. It kept the big stuff (toilets/showers/sinks) cleaned and I could keep up with the laundry, floors, etc.

That way you both win....and with a baby coming, DO IT!

Realize that men do NOT mature past 12.

2 moms found this helpful
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K..

answers from Phoenix on

Don't you have bigger fish to fry than creating a power struggle over cleaning toilets? I mean, really, c'mon!! Sounds like pregnancy emotions are making things more dramatic than they need to be. So, here's my take on it:

A) You don't have to clean it with bleach, as several posters have mentioned.

B) He has offered to have a cleaning service come in to help out.

C) You can afford the cleaning service.

Where, exactly, is the problem? A toilet takes maybe 5 minutes to clean, if that. You don't want to because you are worried about chemicals. Your DH has offered to get you help. It seems like a pointless fight with an easy solution.

2 moms found this helpful

J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

I remember falling into the tub when I was seven months pregnant with my third. I told my now ex that he was going to have to clean since it isn't safe to keep falling in the tub like that. He hired a cleaning lady. :(

I think somewhere it is hardwired in men that if they can hire a cleaning lady they shouldn't have to clean. Maybe we are just lucky. :p

I wouldn't blast him, I told my ex he was pathetic and left it at that.

2 moms found this helpful

C.J.

answers from Milwaukee on

Everybody poops and EVERYBODY needs to clean up after themselves.

Cleaning the toilet is SOOOO SIMPLE. The trick is to clean it often and you don't have to SCRUB a toilet.

You're right about the chemicals, I don't blame ya at all!

2 moms found this helpful

L.A.

answers from Austin on

I completely agree with the other moms, YOU are too good to clean toilets.. If he really loved you, he would never ask you to do anything he was not willing to do first.

I have proven this a million time to family friends and coworkers. I always take the worst clean up jobs or the toughest jobs to show that if I can do it, so they can they.

Hire a cleaning lady. I did this for a few years when we were both working full time. We paid her $15.00 an hour for 4 to 5 hours once a week. (Fridays) She , vacuumed, mopped, cleaned the bathroom, did laundry, dusted, cleaned out my fridge, dusted the floor trim.. She was awesome.

No permission needed, he brought this on himself.

2 moms found this helpful
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C.O.

answers from Minneapolis on

I hate cleaning the shower and he hates cleaning the toilet, so he cleans the shower and I clean the toilet. LOL We pretty much divide chores up, almost equally. I tend to do more dishes and laundry than him but I make him help when it's too much. He was had 2 brothers and all did chores and cooked. I was an only child and so I mowed and cleaned the house as part of my chore.

1 mom found this helpful

S.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

@kiki, youre sweet, but the problem isnt the toilet, its the fact that hubby wont pitch in around the house.
@ mindy
housework is not "womens work", taking care of babies however, is. i believe that and know that.
the man saying he brings home the money, well hon, if i married you just for the money you would know it right now wouldnt you? and if thats the case then get a maid! lol, but if you married this man because you love and respect each other then of course youre upset about this situation. your feelings are valid, however dont go writing an angry email as that will (like you said) make things bigger than they need to be!
tell him how you are feeling about the situation, in person, maybe even cry (depending on how your hubby does with crying) theres no shame in milking the pregnancy thing! youre only pregnant for a short amount of time anyway!
remember that open communication is the key, whether he understands yo uis up to him, but keep communicating none the less!
my huby was the same as yours, it took me about 7 years to break him from complete sexist to now he does the dishes and rubs my feet when i ask him, dont get me started on sex, he is SO great now!! so respectful.
i know people say men dont change, but thats only when the woman doesnt change. we both made each other better people! thats what you are supposed to do in a marriage :D
good luck! remember why you loved him in the first place and keep that window of communication open between you two (dont go complaining to other people too much about him or it causes a rift)
<3

1 mom found this helpful
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R.K.

answers from Appleton on

Look around for a regular cleaning lady to come in and clean your bathrooms and floors. Not a cleaning service but an independent cleaning lady.

1 mom found this helpful
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P.R.

answers from Cleveland on

My husband can be arrogant like that. Ugh. But I also know a woman who has been unemployed for a few years and comments on "money issues" but basically says in almost so many words, I won't lower myself to cleaning my house. Even worse than our husbands in my opinion. Not bc she's a woman but she complains about money and is unemployed. I've always been very gainfully employed but have never felt cleaning is beneath me. Toilets don't bother me in the slightest. Not like I clean it with my bare hand... So yes, I'd be annoyed if I were you too. But then tell him how much it'll be and if he wants to pay it, decide if you do or you want to clean it yourself. It's not worth a huge battle but I hear you.

1 mom found this helpful

D.K.

answers from Sioux City on

At least he noticed the mold in the toilet. mine wouldn't have even done that. I remember when I would get frustrated about the division of labor in our house. Finally I began dividing up the labor as a the labor needed done. When things like that pop up I give him the option of doing one of two jobs and I take the other. Neither one of us gets to relax until the work is done. It works for us, but I must say I usually get the toilet to clean. I guess I just look at it as something that needs to be done and I don't care who does it ask long as it gets done.

1 mom found this helpful
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P.M.

answers from Denver on

If it makes you feel any better, my husband told me he didn't want me around "harsh chemicals" while I was pregnant. Yeah.......I cleaned the bathrooms up until I was 8 months pregnant. Then he told me he'd do it, he'd scrub the tub (I use Comet, and we all know that takes some elbow grease to clean a tub well). I waited three weeks, and nothing. "I'll do it, I'll do it" -- Who was in there with rubber gloves and a fan blowing, the window open (in November) scrubbing the tub with a 9 month-big belly? Yep, you guessed it! MOI!

1 mom found this helpful
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P.M.

answers from Portland on

Down, sweetheart. Hormones are probably making this a "draw a line in the sand" issue for you, but that's really not a very effective or loving way to resolve differences. It sounds like one of the things your husband thinks he's working for is independence from annoying chores – that may not be your top priority, but that doesn't mean it's not important to some people. Especially if those annoying chores come with annoying arguments.

But I applaud you for wanting to live frugally and for avoiding bleach fumes while you're pregnant. Actually, chlorine bleach is harmful to the environment, and there are concerned groups working to phase it out of public use. Why not get yourself a chlorine-free bleach like Seventh Generation's, based on hydrogen peroxide that breaks down cleanly into oxygen and water? It's a very good toilet-bowl purifier, and has NO smell.

I hope you'll consider looking into Non-Violent Communication as an effective way to work through differences. It's extremely respectful of all points of view, which is a great way to get past the differences that tend to make people feel righteous or defensive. My husband and I have employed these techniques for at least the past decade, with wonderful results (in fact, we just had a toilet-cleaning discussion a few minutes ago that left us both satisfied with our resolution). But even if only one party uses the techniques, it still helps both parties reach a workable resolution.

1 mom found this helpful
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J.B.

answers from Atlanta on

While you're pregnant spring for a service since you can! Yes, he should clean things he has a problem with, but if he won't, then treat yourself! You can also get natural cleaning products. I personally wouldn't clean another toilet until he pulled some weight around there though! Our rule is - if you see it and have a problem with it, then YOU clean it!

1 mom found this helpful
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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

Just get one of those things that hangs inside the toilet bowl. That should take care of that. Also, I don't use bleach on my toilet; there are many other cleaners that you could use if you had a mind to clean the toilet. And, I must say, it must have been a while since you cleaned it if you have mold on it. My husband NEVER cleans the bathroom. He will do dishes, does all the laundry, mops the hardwood floors and deals with the garbage, but he does not clean bathrooms. So, either get a cleaner that doesn't contain bleach and clean your bathroom or hire someone but this is NOT a reason to have a big blowout with hubby IMHO.

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