Update About Me Being Excluded from Cali Vacation

Updated on August 25, 2012
E.V. asks from Tempe, AZ
20 answers

I talked about this with a girl,she is a senior member of the group. Not talking actually, just by an application like whatsapp( chatting).
This is what I wrote ( my summary):

I am not talking about vacation, both you and I know my fam can't make it. But what makes me sad is that people don't bother tells me about what's going on in the group, what event is coming or where we are going. Even you don't bother tell me about this event.
( She told me that I am not left out. This is a vacation and the senior retreat, those who are in the groups more than 5 years. Every summer they have this, I should have just asked).
I am new. How am I supposed to know your tradition? Nobody even tell me the agenda or event's descriptions. There's no announcement until I see the pictures of event in facebook.
( She said, just ask if you don't know. How am I supposed to ask something i don't know?)
Do these two people are coming? They are still in the church for 3 years, you said 5.
(Yes, they are coming. You know, it is all about commitment)
What commitment? How am i supposed to participate or help if nobody tells me there's an event or something to do? This is like multi level marketing. If you are committed, you get to higher and inner circle and top of the groups.
( Oh honey, I cant talk to you like this. You are loved, trust me.)
Don't tell anyone
( Trust me I won't).

In 5 minutes, the pastor sent me email :
Please don't get hurt, because I am hurt, too.
You are not left out.
If you feel like you don't want to come to church because we are not there.
Just stay at home and have fun with your family.
No need to care about nursery that Sunday.
Want to do everything possible to you and all for the sake of Christ's and growth in Him.
So let me know and us know what can we do and help your family reach the goal.

Ok, opinion?
I am not talking bout being the loner in Sunday school. But I was talking about communication and transparency. I don't think he got it and I am mad because she told her. Can't she just keep her mouth shut? She promised!

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answers from Norfolk on

Time to move on.
They make up the 'rules' as they go along.
You'll always be 2nd class as long as you stay here.
They are clique-ish and you'll never be a member of the 'in' crowd.
No doubt they love you as a convenient door mat.
Pull the rug out from under them and leave.
You can do better and they don't deserve you.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

Too much drama for something that's voluntary & supposed to be a positive environment. Time to move on.

1 mom found this helpful

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answers from Hartford on

It sounds to me like they're bending over backwards to make you feel better but you're still insisting on feeling hurt. They're asking you how you think they can help correct the situation. Since you clearly had an issue with how the college group was run and you took it up with one of the senior members, she did what was appropriate and took it to the person she reports to, ie. the pastor.

The members of the group and church shouldn't have to do this much hand-holding. It must be exhausting for them to handle this in real life.

How old are you?

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Time to find a new church.

Christ is about INCLUSION, not EXCLUSION.

Your church is like a family. With family, you always feel loved, and always feel included. When you find the right church, it will make you feel GOOD to go. You'll love your church family, and you will feel like you belong.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

You really don't want to hear my opinion.

I would find a new church. Doesn't sound like they are a good "church family" for you.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on


Get a new church.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

Sounds like it's time to find a new church.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Listen I will be blunt since you are still upset about this. There are plenty of people in my church that I really like BUT I would never want to *hang* out with them after church. Just because you go to church with people, doesn't necessarily mean that they want to be one big happy family, in fact there is NO such thing as one big happy family, even in Gods home.

A senior retreat is not meant for people who are not seniors in the congregation. Don't you have to hold some type of title to go on these retreats? at least in our church you do. Now if you really want to go on theses retreats just ask, "what do I have to do to be able to partake in the senior retreats". Or "I love working in the nursery but I think it's time I branched out so I can interact with the church body, is there another job I can do?".

Also your approach in talking to this woman was confrontational and a bit attacking. Sit down with the pastor and ask questions. Ask for ways to become part of this *family*. The other thing is you said the Pastors kids are in their 40's is that correct? would your child have been the only young kid their?

Otherwise you just have to make a decision whether this Church is for you or not. You haven't been there very long at all, a few months is still very very new. If you haven't felt *good* there then maybe it's time to look for another church family. Make sure you fit in, if you don't, then it's uncomfortable for everyone, not just you.

My husband and I took 2 years to find a church we felt good in. We didn't want to settle. Just because it's a church doesn't mean that you are going to feel welcomed. Humans are not perfect and you will get judged, have to deal with cliques, and just not fit in for whatever reason and you cannot force it, but you can leave. I hope you find peace, blessings.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

May be time to look at some other churches. Way too much drama from all sides, including your's.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

This type of drama is what I have found to some degree, which is why I don't go to church. But, this sounds even more severe than normal. I say find a new church personally; this is just cliqueish and WRONG!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Hon, I think all involved are missing the point of church completely.
You'd be better off worshiping at home....yourself....alone than with this gaggle of geese.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Indianapolis on

The woman you spoke to couldn't even keep her mouth shut?

Yeah.. Find another church to attend. These people are playing favorites.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

I would so find another church. This is so dramatic and manipulative. I just can't imagine feeling God's Spirit even in the midst of a praise and worship service.

If you choose to stay just go and do your commitment and then go sit with your family or by yourself. This program is obviously a thing like you said. The more you conform to their ideals the higher your status in the group.

GOOD LORD> it's even organized to be like this. This is not how God's plan works.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

This is WAY too much drama for church. Please for the sake of your own religious beliefs and your family's, go out and visit other churches. This group of people sound atrocious and they are not good for you. They are hurting you and purposely. Lots of lies and trickery going on here. Cut your ties completely to them and move on. Find a church home that makes you feel welcomed, loved, not judged and to be able to be real and have personal relationships. Those churches are out there---you just need to start looking. Best wishes and I am so sorry these people are treating you so poorly!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on

Now you know that this person is not someone who will keep her mouth shut. So you never tell her anything that you don't want everyone else to hear.

The pastor was wrong to email you. He should have called you on the phone.

This woman is not willing to say that she is sorry for the misunderstanding. She is trying to put all the work on you. I don't believe that you are part of the circle of friends. She does not want to give you transparency because she is like a middle school girl. She SAYS you are invited but she doesn't invite you.

This NOT about character building. God does NOT punish or curse you for moving churches, Mom. These women are not treating you or others the way Christ said to act.

I would go to a different church and find some different friends.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Fort Collins on

Sounds like high school...church-family-style. Sounds like a great reason not to go...or find another place. I didn't think any of that was why people chose to attend church....thought it was about something bigger, more important than us and petty fights. Time to re-examine your reason for attending....are you looking for friends and "family" or are you looking to fulfill spiritual needs?

But you can take my thoughts with a grain of salt....I am not a church-goer.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Were all the churches the same denomination? Maybe it's time to look beyond that denomination to one that suits you better. I'm not all hellfire and brimstone myself and any church that told me such I would leave. Further, I would stop having these conversations online. 1) you seem upset when you don't get a swift answer (maybe she's online but doing other things) and 2) it is easier to be understood face to face. It sounds a bit juvenile and cliquish and that's not what church should be about.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Austin on

Sorry, but this kind of stuff is what scares people away from church :(.
( shaking head )



answers from Tampa on

Wow, we all have to deal with drama at our career jobs to a certain extent...but we get paid to do so. I can't imagine dealing with this type of drama voluntarily. Life is way too short. If you are not comfortable for any reason, then maybe you should move to another church. You are expending way too much energy being upset about this. You cannot make people treat you the way you want...you can just react to how they do treat you.



answers from Spartanburg on

Pastors would use the word "Christ" to make anything sound right/godly/whatever. Religion has always been a form of justification for men's acts. If this man were a regular man (not a Pastor) would you think he's right? It sounds you are caught in a unhealthy community...change your circle, choose better people, life is too short to waste it with horrid souls like those in your church. Why would you put up with that?

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