UPDATE 6Th Grade Drama: WWYD as the Mom?

I would tell my daughter that she's right, phones are not allowed at school. The phone shouldn't have been brought out at all. But in this case no one was hurt or put at risk. Tattling serves no purpose other than stirring up drama. I would not email the mother. I would also want to know why my daughter was so set on getting her friend in trouble. As a former middle school teacher, I can assure you that no good will come of it. This tiny incident will snowball quickly. Now if someone was hurt or in danger or the picture was scandalous, that would be a different story entirely.

She's trying to get her friend in trouble but SHE does not want to be the one to tattle (of course.)
Do NOT get involved. This has nothing to do with her or you. Tell your daughter that unless someone is getting hurt it's not your job to worry about what other people's children are doing in the classroom. If she witnesses something happening and wants to report it she can and should tell the teacher or yard supervisor, period.
I can't believe she is asking you to email the girl's mother! She must be mad at her friend about something. Welcome to middle school, and good luck :(

I'm just wondering why your daughter is so adamant about someone being told about this, yet, she was RIGHT THERE & chose not to tell anyone. Girls that age are tricky... I think there's more to this story than what you're being told.

Stay out of it. It will not go well. I would want to know and I would confiscate the phone, but your daughter should NOT be making an enemy. Girls are mean to their friends and meaner to their enemies. Stop the drama mama!

Nothing.
I think you told her exactly the right thing. I would also not call the school or the friend's mother!
If it's THAT important to J. to rat out her friend, whose consequences for being caught or not have NO direct impact on her life, let HER call her friend's mother or tell the school.
Just wondering what could possibly be motivating your daughter to do this....

Oh man. I'm kind of bracing myself for that age. I'm thinking if that was my daughter I would have to give her the definition of a "rat" or a "nark" (Yes, Ferris Bueller (sp) was popular when I was in high school :) And tell her if she wants to rat on her friends, she needs to do it herself :) Tell HER to call Ks mom and tell the school officials. It's sort of weird that she doesn't want to, but it's eating her up and she wants you to. Illustrate that to her. Tell her it's nice to be concerned about rules, but she only needs to mind her own behavior, not other people's unless something seriously serious, and if she feels it needs reporting, she has to report it.

However. If it was me, and a mom contacted me to tell me that her daughter told her that my daughter did something....I guess I'd be glad. So. It's not the end of the world if you do it. But let your daughter know, that after you tell Ks mom, K is going to be mad at her. It seems like she's new to this whole dynamic and doesn't get what's going on. Just warn her that she'll still get blamed for narking even if you make the calls.

okay, let me get this straight: your daughter wants you to snitch on her own friend?

I'm flabbergasted! My next question then would be: why? Why is this so important to your daughter? What is driving her?

I'm still astounded! I'm truly at a loss with this one! I know you're a regular on here, I've enjoyed a lot of your comments.....& I'm still stuck! I would NOT want to be you tonight!

You are truly stuck...do you uphold the rules/regulations? Do you stick your nose into something which you did not witness 1sthand? Isn't this just adding to the drama of "girls at school"? It really concerns me that your DD is feeling so driven on this one....& my heart goes out to you.

I am soooo sorry that I can't help you....I hope the other moms can do better!

since this isn't a *life threatening* or *urgent* situation, I'd let it go. If it was so important to your daughter, she could have talked to the teacher after class.

Ummm .... no. Don't call the girl's mom. If your daughter was so upset about it, then she should have spoken up at the time. Either to her friend directly ("K, put that away!") or brought it to the teacher's attention.

There is no way that the school would or even COULD do anything about it at this point. There is no proof. She said vs. she said.

And sure you would want to know if your daughter had done that. But she didn't. Her friend did. It isn't your place to tell her mother about it.

Here's the thing though. Your daughter wants to be friends with K. But she is having a difficult time accepting that her friend is okay with breaking the rules and at the same time, she's getting away with it. I suspect she wants her to "be caught" and punished so that she doesn't have to make a choice about her friendship with K. Eventually, if K continues to break rules and it escalates, your daughter will have to choose to hang with other friends if she wants to stay on the straight and narrow, no? She doesn't want to have to make that choice. The mature thing for her to do, is to talk to her friend and discuss her feelings about K breaking the rules and essentially being disrespectful to the substitute. There really is no place for YOU to do anything.

And what S.B. said. :)

I would not do anything. I would go back and ask your daughter if she would want her friend to tell on her and email you if she had done the same thing. Tell her she can become a Public Prosecuter when she's older in order to maintain justice in this world :) In the meantime, explain to her the old kindergarten rule: Only tattle on someone if they are hurting themselves or someone else.

I'm sure she has her reasons for her friends to follow the school rule - maybe she likes the boy herself, maybe she wished she had a bf to show off, maybe she wished she had her phone at that moment and she got the attention, maybe she just wants to protect the integrity of the school....who knows?

I would stay out of it or else your daughter will be labeled a drama queen and a tattletale. No one likes a snitch.

Tell her you have to save your powers for bigger issues.

I can answer this question from two prespectives, as a mom AND as a substitute teacher. As a mom, I would just talk to my daughter about the qualities she wants to look for in a friend, lying and showing off to appear to be cool isn't really cool, etc. As a sub, please don't call the school. We know that kids are taking advantage and believe it or not, we know the kids that are showing off and we don't like them at all. Notice is taken and believe me, if this is a good sub..it will not be tolerated many more times. I was the "nicest" sub before I had enough experience to control a room, now I'm not so "nice". It takes time for a sub to learn how to manage a class, reporting this minor offense (although it is major in your daughter's opinion, I respect that) would seriously undermine this poor subs reputation and possibly prevent them from getting work in the future.

Your daughter has just learned a key lesson in right vs. wrong: it's a lot easier to KNOW what's right, and a lot harder to DO what's right. Explore with her why she wants the incident reporter, but doesn't want to do it herself.

Getting YOU involved (when you were not there) and getting the girl's mother involved through your intervention is the wrong way to handle it.

Your daughter either stands up and reports a violation herself to the proper authorities, or she lets it go and learns a very hard lesson. Ask her if the violation is still okay if no one saw it. How does that apply to other things? (If you get away with it, it's okay?) Or is this a minor infraction and it was the teacher's responsibility to deal with it? What does it say about her friend if she took advantage of the situation?

What's your daughter really worried about? The cell phone violation, or the boyfriend? By working through these and other questions, you can help her sort out her feelings and values.

Yeah, my niece asked something similar of my parents. Turns out, she was actually mad at her friend for something else. She just wanted her to get into trouble!! Grrr. Does your daughter want her to get into trouble? Are they having troubles?

I think you should tell your daughter, that next time she needs to tell the teacher. You will always be HER advocate, but it is not in your job description to be a tattle tale, after the fact. She needs to tell someone at the time it happens. She needs to have enough gumption, to do what's right. I really think some kind of silly teenager stuff might be going on. Now, I would personally let the mom know in some way. What if she doesn't even know about the boyfriend!! Really, though..talk to your daughter about WHY this is so important. I'm willing to bet, that it's a pretty silly reason...that is most likely personal, and not about the rules at all.

I would not email her. Maybe you can turn this into a lesson on a (a) assertiveness or (b) diffusing drama.

Tell her to work it out herself! It's one of the most important things we can teach our children. Let her know that you're not in the business of being a tattle tale, and it would take something far more serious (drugs, shoplifting, x rated cell phone pics) to make you intervene.

Instead of e-mailing her, call her and say "Hey - I just wanted to give you a heads up - the school has a "no phone" policy and K had her phone on her today and could've lost it for the week."

it's not accusing, it's giving the other mom a head's up withOUT accusing..

It's great that your daughter comes to you and tells you these things!! Keep it up mama!!! The teens years are coming fast and I can't stress enough open lines of communication are soo important!! YOU GO MAMA!!!

Wow, so much good advice so far! I have to agree with most all of the posts: stay out of it. It seems like there is more to the story, and your daughter needs to tell you what's really going on here, or she needs to let it go. But do not email/call/chat/talk to the mom. It's not worth the drama!

Oh heck, I'm in college and I see grown adults breaking this rule on a regular basis. I'm not saying that kids should not be taught to be respectful, but it's simply not that big an offense. Don't call the other mom, it's not your place for such a small misbehavior. Tell your daughter to be careful she does not get labeled guilty by association. Also, it sounds like she may be jealous of K because she is good at getting away with things. You may want to address those feelings. Also, remind her that no one likes a tattle tale and tell that she should be ashamed of herself for trying to make you do the dirty work!

Stay out of it. I think your daughter is feeling the affects of a guilty conscience. She didn't step up, she regrets it, and she wants you to make it right. She also probably doesn't want the ramifications that come with tattling. And it is tattling in this sense. If you do the dirty work she can spin it like she had zero control over your actions. If K was doing something dangerous, by all means, get involved and applaud your daughter for coming to you. In this case, with the info. you have, I would stay out of it.

I agree with Cheryl O. You could call the girls mom and give her a heads up without accusing. That way, the mom is aware, and she can speak to her daughter and possibly avoid further problems in the future. I think it might be too late to do anything at school, though. Her friend got away with it this time, maybe next time she will get caught and she will learn the hard way of not obeying the "stupid" rules.

I wouldn't call. Yes, the girl broke a school rule, but it's not a crime or a cardinal sin. It would be different if she had cheated on a test, or defaced school property. Or if she was in danger or putting others in danger. I would tell your daughter that what her friend did wasn't right, but it really is not your job to inform her mother - she may have gotten away with it this time, but if she tries it again, she may get caught, and then will have to face the consequences.

First, take some time to praise your daughter for recognizing the rules and wanting to follow them. She deserves to be told that she is in the right for being concerned about the rules. I definitley would start with that and give her plenty of praise for caring.

I would not get involved with calling parents or the school. This is the part that will be hard for your good, rule-following daughter to understand, and you want to approach it carefully -- or you risk sending her the unspoken message that "Well, rules don't really matter." You do not want her thinking that, right? So, you asked: Did the teacher see it? No. Does her friend do this kind of thing regularly? Sounds like she might, if your daughter says she likes to rebel. I'd tell your child, "I wasn't there. You were. The teacher, unfortunately, didn't catch X doing this, and it would be better for X if she'd been caught -- she would learn not to do it again. Because she will do it again, and she will get caught and have some strict consequences. Instead of having parents handle this, you are old enough to handle it. You say X is a rebel. You also say she's your friend. Are you really comfortable being friends with her if she is breaking rules and that rule-breaking makes YOU feel uncomfortable and upset? How would you talk to her if you could talk to her one-on-one about this?"

In other words -- your daughter is old enough to work it out or at least try to. She won't be able to change this other girl, but you may get your child to see that they're now at an age when certain friends, even old, good friends, are making poor choices that could get worse. And that the kids who want to be in school and pay attention may have to distance themselves from the kids who....don't. Your child will resist the idea of dropping or distancing herself from this friend, but she at least needs to think about the consequences to herself if she is hanging with someone who eventually does more than have her cell phone in school.

When your girl says "But why won't you call the parent?" it's time to do what we all do when they're much smaller: "Work it out. This is really bugging you, and she's your friend, and I did not see anything. You need to talk to her."

But be very clear that your child is right to be concerned and right to come to you -- because you always want her to come to you with issues and problems, and not feel that "Mom won't care." You need to let her know you do care, but you care enough to have her work it through.

If she had seen the child hurting someone else, or bullying, that would be different; you would indeed contact the school then, right? I just wanted to clarify that that is different from this cell phone rule. Someone is getting immediately hurt and that has to be reported immediately.

Remind your daughter she is responsible for HER behavior and not anyone else's. And her friend's rule-breaking behavior is not any of her business if it didn't affect her. It seems a little strange to me that she is so intent on getting her friend into trouble. There must be other issues.

Don't get involved. And remind your daughter to let it go and worry about herself. I feel for you because my kids (23 and 14) were/are not rule-breakers, and other kids seem to get away with stuff. But that will last for their entire lives and you can't go around policing the rest of the world.

I agree with KiKi, there's more to it. Was there some sexting going on? Was the boyfriend dressed? Why so important to show the boyfriend and why the big issue about ratting?

There are some things that I could understand morally must be addressed, but a cell phone picture being shown.

Maybe the whole story will come out. I wouldn't worry about it as long as it wasn't your daughters picture in the phone. I would tell your daughter likewise if it were me.

I cannot believe you're even considering calling the other Mom. I would take this opportunity to figure out why your daughter wants you to do this in the first place. It just doesn't sound right, something is going on in their relationship that she would even tell you about it let alone expect you to tattle on her "good friend". It's not like anyone was in danger or the situation was too heavy for a kid to handle on their own.
She had two choices, speak up then if it really bothered her and deal with the consequences or mind her own business. Trust me, little girls at this age often have alterior motives and in this case it just seems like there's more to the story. I'd have a long talk with your own girl about how she's feelinmg about this friendship and watch the relationship with the cell toting, girl friend.