Unsure About Visitations

I know where you are coming from but sometimes no matter what and how nice are intentions are (concerning visitations)they fall on deaf ears. You have to let your son's father know that your son is in a routine that can not be interrupted on a whim. If he can not give you the date and time he will be picking up the baby then he can not pick him up at all. These type of men (my ex included) do not realize that we need to work as a team for our children. Just because we are no longer married doesn't mean that we can not work together on things concerning the children (i.e., vacations, school events, major decisions...)
Have you ever considered filing for full custody?
My ex has seen his children 3 times in the past year. He uses the excuse that he just doesn't have the money to drive up (he has the money and time to spend with his girlfriend but not with his children) Anyway, I just spend as much time as I can with them and I never tell them he is coming - I let it be a surprise because if they don't know he's coming then they won't be disappointed if he doesn't show up. I also make sure I call him every other week to let the girls talk to him and if doesn't pick up then I leave a message reminding him to call them. It sucks but that is the only way it works for me.
Some men just don't get what it entails to be a father (near or far). Raising children is not easy. They don't realize that they can still be good fathers even if they don't live close by. They can call, send a card, or even send presents.
I am sorry I seem to have gotten off the subject. I think you should put your foot down and let him know that this is how it is going to work. If doesn't call back and let you know when to expect him they he might as well not even bother. He needs to respect you as your son's mother and there are certain rules that need to be upheld regarding visits.
I hope I was a little helpful in your situation.

Your ex obviously knows how to get your goat and that's what he's doing. He's letting you know who's boss and that's fine. So don't contact him any further. Don't let him make you mad (easier said than done).

It's not up to you to be his secretary as my lawer once told me.

Ignore him and do not contact him. Write a simple email reuesting dates and times, and leave it at that. If you're not there when he comes, you're not there. Simple.

If you are, then make up something like you did have plans and be sure to get your point across the world doesn't revolve around him by stating that you can not change your plans just because he shows up. In all this you can and MUST be amicable and courteous knowing full well it's gonna tick him off.

It's his problem. Don't give into him or the behavior will continue. He's an adult (or lack there of. But do think of Max. If max sees him, he will probably be excited, so, therin lies another problem. Do what is best for your son at all times (i know you do) but again if he sees him and wants to be with him, then it's probably best you do. My kids wouldn't even touch Pete and they were only 1 and 2. They knew who loves them and feeds them and takes care of them.

Anyhow, my husband did what you are describing to me several times and I let him know what was going on and why he coudln't see him. That typically didn't go over well. But it is what it is.

He turned it around and told lawyers I wouldn't let him see his son, and threw a fit about the day after Christmas to see the kids. So, they made up a bunch of stuff about me in the court papers and threw in that I was witholding visitation. Both unfounded and untrue, but all goes before the judge.

Pete decided on Christmas eve (knowing I was celebrating with my grandparents) to call and text me his "demands" for christmas. Imagine his anger when I woudln't and didn't call him back. Amazing how ignoring someone makes them furious.

I had all the emails requesting his cooperation and schedule and all the emails of excuses why he couldn't get there when he said he would. Just make sure to keep record, IT"S VERY IMPORTANT TO THE COURTS especially if he pulls the "she is visitation from me" card.

Best of luck. Pray about it. Pray God makes him go away or helps you find a solution to your troubles. I didn't know I wanted my husband to come home until he did (Oct. 26 will be the year anniversary when he left me.) Be strong and patient, it will all work out.

Love,
J.

Perhaps one of your parents or brothers can be present during the visit with the ex while you are in school. If not, he may just have to wait until it is convenient for you.

Try to consider your son more than yourself. He is a boy and it's very important to his emotional and psychological health to allow him to have a relationship with his father. Just be a little more flexible right now, and perhaps it will pay off
in the future years for you and for your son. Your ex-husband will need to get to know his son as a person and your son will need the time to know who his father is, and if you can allow this to happen then when your son is older he will have his father to call on when he needs someone to talk to. Your son will someday be older and a teenager and might need his Dad - its amazing how even a phone call can make a difference sometimes in serious matters like discipline problems/attitudes etc..
Im just saying this because my son (age 16) is so much like my ex (his dad) and their personalities somehow mesh and there have been times of trouble when my son wouldn't listen to me but he would listen to his Dad.

I agree with some of the other ladies that you need to set boundaries. The bottom line is that you need to do what is best for Max. You have to weigh the cost of disruption of his schedule against the benefits of seeing his dad. Perhaps you can email him and give HIM the dates that you and Max will be available. That way he has some choice, and you get to keep your sanity.

J. I am not in your situation by my brother and his new wife are and it is so stressful on them. I feel so bad for you and your son. I wish I could give you some wise advice that would help but I have seen this play out so many times in different ways. When you have a selfish ex that seems to care nothing for you and has absolutely no understanding how important stability and routine are to a child it is hard to cope! I know you only want to do what is right for your son and I applaude you for that. The only advice I can give is the "if it were me" opinion, and we all know what opinions are like :) If it were me (haha) I guess I would just not go out of my way to be there for your ex. I would write him a letter, because then he HAS to listen and I always seem to get my words together better on paper. After you are sure he has received it call and make sure he read it. Maybe then he will listen. Let him know you do this for your son, not for him. That the visitation is to keep him in your sons life but if the disruption is going to continue then it is not healthy for your son and you see no reason to continue them. I thank God I am lucky enough to have a wonderful husband, I will pray for you and your little one. Take care of yourself, don't let him get to you if you can. Your ex is not worthy of your pain.

Good Luck

T. R.

Sorry, no advice, but you arent alone! My ex doesnt always tell me when he plans to see or not see the kids ahead of time. Do your divorce papers not specify something like he has to give you 24 hours notice for changing his visitation? Mine state that, but men just dont seem to stick to it.