Unsupportive Husband After M/c

Updated on June 09, 2009
M.H. asks from Pflugerville, TX
5 answers

We found out we were pregnant a little over 10 weeks ago, we both were very excited. My husband told everyone, I was more reluctant after recently having a m/c in Dec 08. We went in for an u/s & discovered the fetus was only measuring 4 1/2 weeks & had a hr of 80. We met with the Dr. who said that we would be miscarrying & gave us our options. I choose to go natural, (which I might rethink the next time), so over the weekend we went through the horrible process. DH was pretty supportive over the weekend. We passed the fetus on Sunday (yesterday!!), & he asked if it would be OK for him to go to work today! UGH, I said 1 more day & it will be OK. We took the fetal tissue into the Dr, because this was our 3rd m/c & we want testing done. He has not said one word about the situation at all, doesn't even ask me how I feel except for asking about landscaping that we are in the process of doing & the car that is getting a tune-up. I understand that guys grieve in different ways, but I am beside myself. I don't even want to have him see me cry, for the chance he will ask "what's wrong?" We have a strong faith & understand that God does things for certain & only give us what we can handle. I need a support system, all my family & friends live 1300 miles away. I'm not in a good situation right now. Like right now for instance, he came out & said "What is wrong with you, gosh, life goes on". Nothing like kicking someone when they are really down. Anyone have any words of advice or has been in the same situation? Thank you. God's Blessings

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So What Happened?

We sat down and discussed the situation, he was very sincere. Told me he was sorry for how he was acting, but it was his way of dealing with the situation. It has been much better since. Thank you for all your responses. Blessings to all.

More Answers



answers from Charlotte on

Men, the ever-logical. I used to always say to my husband, "Just because my feelings arn't logical to you, doesn't mean they're not REAL to me!" It takes a LONG time for men to learn this concept and sadly, some never do. After almost 11 years of marriage my husband FINALLY got it a few months ago. One thing I said that helped was "Ok, imagine you have this garden you tend to. You pluck out all the weeds and do everything just so. Everything is beautiful and perfect. Then one day you step out your front door and there's a weed growing right in the middle of your garden. Do you stand there and deny it's existance? (That CAN'T be there! That's not logical!) or do you accept that despite your logic, it's THERE and needs to be delt with."
There's an emotional bond that forms between a mother and her baby even as a tiny fetus. Each time you have a M/C it's hurts you emotionally. And emotional pain is VERY real and takes care and time to heal. He need not do a lot--just have enough respect for you to acknowledge that your hurting and often times all it takes is something as simple as a hug. If men only knew how simple it was! Now whenever I'm hurting emotionally over something, my husband comes up and gives me a hug and says, "I'm sorry you're hurting." or something of the sort and instantly, I'm 90% better!
Hang in there. There are lots who know what you're going through and understand how you feel, including your Heavenly Father :)

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answers from Austin on

This could possibly be his way of grieving. My husband likes to put on the tough guy act but eventually breaks. Since you had miscarried before maybe he had already prepared himself for that and didn't allow himself to get attached emotionally. You also need to grieve yourself. You may want to try bringing it up to him so that he knows you need to talk about it so you can grieve. If he still doesn't want to talk about it or comments rudely then get with your pastor or lay your baby to rest.
I can't say that I know what you are going through but I have had several friends m/c. One of my friends had an actual service for the baby and gave him a name. Another gave her baby a name and put a sonogram picture in a frame and put it on her wall next to pictures of her other kids. Your husband may not understand right now what you are going through but you still have to find a way for you to work through your pain. I will pray for your healing.

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answers from Austin on

People grieve differently. Your husband may be just as devastated as you, but he chooses to deal with it differently. You have to respect his wishes. This doesn't mean that you don't get to grieve your way, but maybe he isn't the person you grieve with. I love my husband dearly. When I need to talk things out and get comfort I go to my girlfriends or a support group. Sometimes this is in person, sometimes over the phone. When I am more settled emotionally, I go to my husband and ask him to hold me. Then he can give me the support I need in a way that is comfortable for him and comforting for me. It's not just about me. You and your husband need to decide what works for each of you without hurting each other.

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answers from Austin on


I am so sorry for your loss! I'm sure you feel very alone right now. Not only did you just move, but now you're having to go through a traumatic loss alone as well. As a social worker who has done a good deal of grief counseling, I can tell you that you are correct that people deal w/grief in different ways. However, that does not make your need for support any less. I applaud you for taking care of yourself and reaching out to others to have that need met.

I would encourage you to let yourself experience the emotions that come naturally to you. If your husband (or anyone else) doesn't have the response you need or want then realize that is about them and tell them how you feel. I would do this using "I statements." An "I statement" allows you to own your feelings and helps limit the negative response you receive from others. If you were to say, "You are not being supportive" then the person will feel the need to defend himself. However, if you say, "I'm not feeling supported, this is what I need....(here you could insert: a hug, to be listened to, to know that my loss is important, etc.) then the other person can not argue with you about how you feel or what you need.

The five stages of loss are: Denial/Shock, Anger, Bargaining, Sadness/Depression, and Acceptance. These are not mutually exclusive and a person could go through one or more of them at the same time or get stuck in one. It sounds like your husband may be having anger and denial. It also sounds as though you're empathetic to his feelings and his grieving process. Just keep being so, but not at the risk of dishonoring your feelings as well.

I hope this was helpful. Good luck and God Bless!


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answers from Austin on

I am so sorry for your loss.
My husband and I have had many conversations about how women and men react to things. Also many discussions on what men and women need and how different these are.
Most women want to talk, talk, talk about their feelings, over and over again. We do not always want to have it solved for us, but it is therapy to us to "have it out there".

Most men do not need to talk about it, but many of them just need to think about it for a long time and settle it in their own heads and then move on. They are just not as verbal. They tend to react in physical ways to express their feelings.. Playiing golf, jogging, working on the car, working on a project.. This is their "mind time". Then they are done with it. There is nothing wrong with all of this, it is just the way it is.

So when we as couples face a crisis or problem women want to go over it in every detail and discuss it to death, till WE are satisfied. Men may discuss it once, but many times they just deal with it in their own minds and move on.

How to solve this? Each couple needs to figure this out.
Maybe tell your husband you only want to talk about it one more time with him. Then have the conversation and let him know if he ever wants to talk about it you are there for him. Then you need to find a girlfriend or family member and tell them you REALLY need to talk over every detail and maybe more than once. Maybe write a blog or write all of this down and put it in a place you can go back and read it again and again.

I know your heart is broken. Nobody should ever have to go through what you 2 have been through. Your feelings are real. You move on when you are ready. Do not be angry at your husband, I promise he is also very hurt, he just deals with it differently.
I am sending your family good thoughts and healing.

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