Unsupervised Play

Hi B., have you thought of getting a tv monitor? maybe watching him on the monitor will make you feel a little bit better leaving him in another room while you have to work. What I am concerned about is his early childhood education, don't sacrifice his early learning capabilities by not spending enough quality time with him. What I mean is that he is at the perfect age where kids pick up a lot of learning skills; for example when my 12 year old son reached his second birthday he knew his alphabet left and right. I allowed him to watch educational material such as Sesame Street videos and such and that took him a long way. He had no learning difficulties by the time he was ready for school age.

Hi B.,

According to the RIE philosophy, which I am trained in, it's really important for babies/toddlers/kids to have uninterrupted playtime. This fosters creativity, independence, critical thinking, imagination, etc. etc. When we initiate play or entertain the kids, what we do becomes more interesting that what they can do and that prevents them from the joy and pride and sense of accomplishment they receive from doing something on their own. As long as the room/space/area is totally 100% safe for them and you keep an eye/ear out I think it's a really healthy thing for periods of time.

You can read Your Self-Confident Baby or Dear Parent:Raising INfants with Respect both by Magda Gerber if you wish to read up on the topic.

R.

I think it's healthy for kids to learn to play independently. I'm sure even the most judgemental of the respondants do laundry and cook and talk on the phone and are not hoovering over their kids 24/7. You need to be happy and take care of yourself in order to effectively take care of your family, or you will end up bitter.

I don't know if this would work for you, but when two of my kids were little and I was taking some college courses so I would read my studies to them and talk through the material while they played in the room where I was. I would read to them like I was reading them a story (very playful with lots of enthusiasm). I got my work done, they were with me constantly and they got read to in the process. When I had writing assignments I would read back to them what I had wrote which helped hearing it out loud. When it came to math I would talk through the problems and I was surprised at how quickly they picked up on the names of the numbers when I started doing it.

Hi B.,

I took my daughter to the ER after her ear drum had burst. I felt extreamly guilty, and worried that I was a bad parent for not noticing any signs that she was having a problem with her ear. She had ran a small fever for one day two or three days before. Other than that, there was nothing that indicated that there was an issue. Still I felt terrible and felt like the worst mom in the world, and was expecting a huge lecture from the doctor. However, I did not get a lecture, what the doctor said to me is the parents that feel guilty when something happens or feels like they are bad parents when something happens that they were not able to catch or prevent, are the better parents. The parents that don't feel any remorse for things happening to there children, are the ones that he would be concerned about.

You feeling guilty for leaving your son alone to play means that you are concerned for his well being.

UNSUPERVISED???! Are you out of your mind? It is imparative as a stay at home mom to be an activiely involved mom. Although it may be tempting to do your own thing, Leaving a 19 month old alone to play while you take a class in another room is ridiculous! Don't you know it only takes a second for a child to swallow and choke on something they find, it only takes a second for a child to get into trouble and get hurt while your eyes are not watching, and it should only take a second for you to realize that these are swiftly passing years, while they are precious little ones, go so fast and soon they are grown and will you regret not spending the time you wasted in another room when you could be enjoying your child? You can always take a class-when they are napping, in school, after they go to bed at night. You can not get lost time back, and you would never forgive yourself if the baby was hurt or worse. SUPERVISE and enjoy your child!

I am also taking online classes and can relate to how hard it is having a little one around and trying to study. I think the idea of the TV monitor was a wonderful idea or trying to combine the work/play space so you can both be together. I don’t feel that you’re a bad mom at all, someone mentioned what are you teaching him...you’re teaching him that school and studying are important and that you value education and want to better the lives of both of you! Good for you!

Remember your gut always tells you what you should do so do what feels right to you as a mom. Good luck!
Kryssi

Hi, B.,
Don't feel bad. There are many of us in the same boat. I work from home and had my little one with me at home until he was three. I am on the computer nearly 7 hours a day and he had to play unsupervised for three years. My office is in the living room, so I can see him unless he is in his room. The whole house was toddler and baby proof, so I really didn't have to worry about him getting hurt. I am not the kind of mom to supervise 100% of the day, like some mothers and especially because I have to work from home. I disagree that you need to be there ALL the time. Finally at age 3, I had to put him into part-time preschool, because he started needing much more of my active attention and I could not give it to him. So he was happy to start school. He is a very well-adjusted kid and is great at playing both alone and with others. You are doing great! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Dear B.,

Good for you trying to take classes at home! See if you can somehow get a laptop so you can work in the same room as your son. Or print the stuff out and read it in the same room as your son, better yet, read it to him like a story. You are not a bad mommy, keeping an eye on him 24/7 is not possible and you are checking on him.
I have a son the same age and he can get into stuff faster than anything, his current trick pushing chairs to reach up on top of counters and table tops etc. We have little on the counters but he can still take stuff down. Pictures w glass, ripping important papers etc. Not exactly dangerous but not great either! Good LUck with your classes!!
R.

Hi B.: I would not feel badly at all. It seems like you have taken good measures to make your your son is safe. We can't be with our children 24 hours a day and you need to do what you need to do. I have an area where I leave my child, who is only 10 months, so I can shower, check e-mail, do whatever.

Hi B.,

I have an online business that requires me to be able to work by myself as well, and there is just no way that I can work the way I need to while keeping my son in sight the entire time. Sometimes you have to just do what you have to do to make your life work, and, after taking every single precaution necessary (which it sounds like you've done), trust your 19 month old for bits of time here and there alone. I don't think you or I are being bad mommies, especially since the reason we are doing this is so that we will be able to stay at home with our children and not have to go back out and work. My son is a bit younger than yours, but I do leave him in his playpen or somewhere else safe while I work in my office, sometimes for up to 20 minutes at a time (unless he's napping, then I can really get things done!). A baby monitor helps a lot, then I know I should really drop what I'm doing and run, without having to perk up my ears and wonder if I'm hearing him giggle or gurgle ;).

Hope that helps.

Hi! Wow you should be so proud of yourself. Trying to better yourself and take good care of your son. It is normal to wonder how you are doing as a mom. Quite frankly, I worked from home and my son had a nanny. However I sometimes think he could have used some more "alone" time. I know that after my nanny leaves. I sometimes leave him in his romm for 30 minutes at a time. Very safe like your situation and I think it has been great for him. It has made him more independant and he likes to sit and "read" his books. He is 20 month's old and I have been doing this for about 3-4 months. I think it has been good for him. Sometimes he can get a bit too needy if we are all here and I think it is because he gets "over" stimulated from all the attention.

Utilize all the tech available out there. My daughter was the same but more than 20 minutes at a time is risky. There are monitors both visual & sound, use theme & make sure he has things that keep him busy, not TV!

Don't risk it. Anything could happen...

There is nothing wrong with leaving them in a "safe" area while you do a few things! The best bet is to do as much as possible during naps and after he goes to bed.

B.,

I see nothing wrong with what you are doing. I am on the computer too a lot and my son just plays. My house is safe and I don't have the radio or tv on so I can hear him wher ever he is playing. You are NOT a bad mom. It is important for your child to learn to entertain themselves. My son is 17 months old and will play all over the house. When he gets fussy I get down and play with him.

Good luck! J.

Hi B.,

I am a work-at-home mom, and I am in the same boat. I try to work as much as I can when my son is napping or asleep, but it's impossible to get it all done during those times.

My son just turned two. When he was younger I had the living room gated off. Now he has the run of the house. I am lucky that I work off a laptop. What I do is set my laptop up in the dining room, which is connected to the living room, which is where the majority of his toys are. I like this because I can work and keep an eye on him. It's the best situation.

He does often wander into the family room, though, where the TV is. He knows how to turn it on and off himself and sometimes will watch a half hour's worth of TV before returning to his toys. When that happens I check on him often. He is usually just laying on the floor in front of the TV.

However, I try to only do my work when he is keeping himself busy. If he needs my attention, which is often, he comes over and grabs me by the finger and pulls. That's it for the computer. I give him the attention he needs and then work again when I can. Sometimes he only wants a minute of attention, like he wants to be sure I'm still there for him. A big hug and kiss and he's off again. Sometimes he wants me to sit and play with him a long while. I make him my priority. This gets stressful when I have a deadline, but I do my best.

I must say that, contrary to popular belief, it's not ideal to work from home. It is very difficult. Neither your work nor your children get your full attention all the time. It's impossible. It's a constant juggling act.

I do recommend moving your work, if possible, to a more neutral place where you can keep an eye on him while he's keeping himself busy. Maybe get a laptop or move the computer. My son has fallen a couple of times, and I was right there to comfort him. It's impossible to work and watch him 24/7, but at least you can glance up and see what he's up to.

I think it's great that you're taking the course. Good luck to you!!

That's a difficult question because just when you feel really comfortable and safe, something happens like my son going headfirst into a radiator and I was just in the next bedroom. He was about 2 years old. My son is very independent and does not need me to be with him all the time. He's not that clingy child that has to have me playing with him at every moment and I'm thankful for that but at 19 months, they're still a bit unsteady on their feet so you might consider having him play in the same room with you. Bring some toys in and close the door so he can't leave the room. I know you need quiet to study but you'll be kicking yourself if something does happen so either have him with you or do your studying while he's napping and at night after he goes to bed.

I do not agree with those who will tell you your life is about your kids now so everything about you has to be put on hold. You still need to do what you need to do and if going to school makes you happy then do it. Just figure out a way to study where you can really focus on studying and not worry about what your son is doing and if he's safe.

Can you get a pre-teen or teenager to come and help out for a few hours a day - like after their schoolday? That way, you could have a few hours of definite "alone time" but still be on-hand if you['re really needed. A lot of times younger girls (9-12 years old) want to babysit, but I wouldn't want them to be alone with my kids. Being with your child while you're at home is a perfect solution - a mommy's helper. You also can get away with not paying them very much, as they like the experience.

what's the difference between what you are doing and running around cleaning the house? Some people can be so narrow minded when it comes to mothers. the minute any one of us strikes out to do something for ourselves there are a bunch of hanky twisters out there implying that you are neglecting you child. I was 3 feet away from my son as he was hopping around on a bouncy ball and he landed head first into his rocking chair I WAS RIGHT THERE and he still managed to wreck himself. It sounds ike you and your son have developed a rhythm to go about your day with so far. As he gets older though his needs are going to change and may need more of you time. but you'll probably figure something out for him by that time. My son is very independent and and I see him learning a lot without my direct supervision. Keep on truckin sister and follow your intuition never never question that.

If you can afford it, I suggest a video monitoring system!

I was able to confidently do this with my first son, but my second is too much of a wanderer and too curious to have done it with him. I think it is fine if your TV is secured, bookcases are strapped to the wall so it does not fall on him if he tries to climb it etc. I think kids who play alone benefit from that but I will say my older son is somewhat of a loner, would rather hole up in his room and read by himself than go outside, and he reads at recess at school too, has never really been good about letting other kids be in control of situations. I dont know if that has anything to do with the alone time provided to him early in life or not???

I would recommend putting the baby monitor in the room so you can listen to him in case he needs you immediately. It would help if you had some kind of camera to monitor what he is doing too! I remember my 1st son, he climbed out of his crib at 15 months;he knew how to open the child proof cabinets (my dishware); he squeezed out of his high chair strap and undid the tray to the high chair. Kids learn fast by constantly watching what you do and how you do it. If possible, you can try to be in the same room as him but there is a possibility that he may want your attention. Good luck!

I guess you have to pick what is more importaint to you, studing or your son. A young toddler needs more than just learning colors and abc's and being a mom is more than giving them what you think is quailty learning time. Maybe you should wait to go back to school/work until he is in school.
You are going to miss out on small things about being a mom and the time will go by and one day he will walk out the door when you want him to stay and he will say ...see you later mom, I going with my friends and I am too busy to be with you right now.
Take all this time to be selfish with him and his time with you. Be with him now when you are the center of his world when you are everything to him and you wont regret it.

Hi B.,
I wouldn't feel comfortable with leaving my little one unattended like this, not so much for the physical danger, but for the emotional abandonment that he might feel. Don't underestimate the incredible role you play in his life in makeing him understand how valuable he is. You are making an amazing investment in which there will be benefits that so outweigh the money you could be making.

I'm 56 years old now. Several years ago I had lunch with a high school friend. Her heart was broken by what she was watching her beautiful 4 year old grandson go through. His mom was making decisions that were having huge negative consequences on the two little children. My friend was further horrified to hear her daughter say, "When's it gonna be MY turn, when do I get to have what I want?" My friend was haunted by those words, because she had said those very same things many years before as she put other things ahead of her children.

I'm sending up a prayer for wisdom, strength and joy for you B..

I have a 2 1/2 year old and an 8 month old. I also in situations leave them unsupervised in my safety child proof living room. Like when I take a shower, or am cooking, or doing laundry. I have been doing this for quite a few months. I go check on them too as much as the task allows me. I think the longest I have left them is 10 minutes while I am in the shower. There are no rules to this parenting job. If you feel comfortable and your child is safe, then do what you need to do. Hope this helps.

i don't agree with leaving him alone for extended periods of time while you study. he needs your undivided attention and the time should be used to bond and interact with him. i think you should try and work out other time to study. i also am taking online courses and do my studying after my daughter has gone to bed. anything that takes away from the quality time you should be sharing is not worth it.

I am sure your son is fine, as long as you go check on him every few minutes. this gives him a chance to learn to be on his own, that he doesn't always need to be around others, but, also give him chances to play with others as well. also as long as he is in a safe environment he should be fine.

my kids are ages 8 and 10 right now. when my oldest was a baby he did alot of playing on his own until he was about 2 then he went to daycare.

Hope this helps some.

I would recommend creating a safe play area that's at least where you can see him from your office - or else perhaps move some of the things from your office to be closer to his play area. So many times I hear mommies say (after some terrible tragedy occurs) that "I only looked away for a moment", or "I thought he was somewhere safe - I didn't think of THAT". My advice is to play it safe. Better safe than sorry, as they say. Also if he's only 19 months, he should still be taking at least one nap per day, and you can get some work done during that time.

For advice on how to get him to nap longer, try www.pantley.com/elizabeth, or read "The No-Cry Sleep Solution".

As for me, I never left my son alone until he was at least 3 years old, and then, only long enough for me to take a shower. We worked too hard to get him here, and I wasn't about to take any chances - but that's just me. You have to do what makes you feel most comfortable, like you know you're doing your absolute best for your child.

Your initial post sounds as if you are doubting whether you are doing that, which is why you've received so much well-intended advice. However, your response back sounds a little defensive, which also leads me to believe that you're still not sure about your choices. I would recommend looking through all of the advice again, and seeing what things you CAN use, to make your son safer.

Best of luck to you!

You are not a bad mommy! Good for yor for going back to school! And it's also great that your son is confident enough in himself that he can entertain hinself for long periods of time. My 2 boys (7 yrs & 2.8 yrs) are both like that it's a God send. That said, I kinda agree about leaving him unsupervised & especially in front of the TV. I htink th other moms hav egiven some good advie, print out things & study in the room w/him, getting a playpen & putting him in the room w/you. Can your husband be of any help? Or other family members? Are there any responsible teenage girls in your neighborhood? Maybe you could hire them (cheaply) for a couple of hours after school to watch your son....play w/him inside or outside the house, take him for walks. Hope this helps & good luck.

Hi There,

Your email made my lol. When my son was a bit older than yours is now I thought I could also leave him to play on his own. Oh my!!! I was cleaning the bathroom when the phone rang my littel guy had managed to unlock the dead bolt into the garage, open the garage door, and had gone next store to vist our neighbor. I guess he got bored with his room full of toys. My neighbor called asked me "where is Jason?". I said why in his room playing. No she said he is at my door!!!! I went a bit nuts and that night my husband installed a latch out of his reach. That kept him in the house. So you see when a child gets bored or wants attention he/she will find some way to get it.

OH that littel boy grew into a wonderful young man who is now 24. Just as sweet and loving as he was as a child.

A littel about me. I have 2 grown children our son 24 is attending SJSU and our daughter 21 attening University of California at Irvine. As an empty nester the best advise I can give you is enjoy this time with your child. You have no idea how fast these years will pass.

B.,

Hey girl don't feel bad about leaving your son alone. I did and do the same thing. I have a 2yo and let me just tell you the older they get gets harder to leave them alone unattended. You know the limitations of your child and what he is happy doing...if he isn't complaining about it then take advantage of it. There will come a day when he won't let you leave his sight and the simplist thing will cause a meltdown. DO NOT feel guilty! My husband is a fire fighter and there are times when it's just me and Diego and I gotta do what I gotta do. If that means that he watches a taped episode of Sesame Street for the better part of an hour so that I can take a shower or pay bills or cook dinner or whatever then he watches TV. Don't let other negativity put unnecessary worry your mind. You have enough to worry about.

Take Care.

K.

p.s. my husband was in the Navy too. He served in Desert Storm on the US Kittyhawk. Blessings to you and your husband. May he be safe through all of this and return home safely.

Sounds like you are doing everything you can to make this work for you and your son. Don't give up on it...you are doing great! Just because you are a mom, you do not have to give up things you want for yourself and your family.
I agree with the other moms regarding buying a video cam so you can keep a closer eye on him or at least a baby monitor. It is also great that he is learning independent play and watching educational videos is find for short periods of time especially if you are giving him undivded attention at other times during the day.
Do also look into a mommy support or play group where you may be able to meet moms in similar situations that you could exchange babysitting/play time with to help you feel better. I understand how you feel about daycare facilities, but he may actually enjoy socializing with other children. A nice home daycare is a good option because it is not as sterile, organized and "school-like" as a large facility. I also understand how you feel about the "germ factor" of daycares, but on the flip side, being exposed to germs will build his immunity. Just imagine how guilty us working moms feel...
I hope you are able to find a solution that eases your feelings of guilt. Good luck!

learning to play by themselves is supposed to be an important milestone, so there's no harm in that. how long are your lessons and assignments? i would check about every 10-15 minutes. can you afford a mommy's helper? it may help to look into one now. i know a few moms who work from home, and it's really difficult. the kids will always want your attention, because you are the mommy!

there have been times i've been so exhausted, i curl up on the couch and let my son play by himself. 20-30 minutes tops, i just lay there and tell my son, "mommy's tired. i'm sorry baby. i'll read you a book in a little while." i just make sure he has extra snuggle time afterwards. i'm a better mom when i take care of my things first. that's just me.

I guess it depends on where your office is? I would leave the office door open and check on my child frequently. Althought honestly whereever I go my 18 month old ends up, so he'd likely end up in the office and then travel around to the other rooms for a bit and come back. I am a WAHM and I do my work with my 18 month old around. It sometimes takes longer than I would prefer, because things come up with my son, but I make it work. I try to keep some special toys for him to play with when I have a conference call or something like that and then I get extra busy when he is taking naps and as soon as he goes to bed. Try to study for 15 or 20 minutes at a time, that way your child can play by himself for a bit and then you can play with him and switch off. That's what I think I would do....in fact a lot of times I do =) Best of luck!

Hi B.,

this might not be very compassionate, but you asked for people's thoughts....is what you are working on worth your missing out on your child growing up AND do you really want your 19 month old watching TV?

Can you put your child in daycare or have someone spend time with him while you are working at home....?

Personally I don't think what you are doing is worth the money or the time that you are missing away from your child AND think about your child....I am 52 years old and have a 6 year old....see if you can get some help from a friend or neighbor so that your little one has contact with other kids or grown ups during the time you are working,,it isn't fair to either one of you....

You are doing everything right. It sounds like he is a good independent player. Enjoy it now because it might not always be that way. You've created the safe environment and you check on him. You've covered everything. Congrats on working towards a degree.

Hi B.,
My children are now 4, 5 and 6. I didn't feel comfortable with unsupervised play until about 5. The problem as I see it would be if your baby bonked head and you didn't see it for several moments. Every 60 seconds counts with a head injury, and 911 ambulance would take a few minutes more.

Could you move a laptop into the other room? Or print out notes and study with baby in front of you? Or put a playpen in your office space? Or study during naps?

I know you can't help occasional moments (like going to the bathroom) but to have a practice of unsupervised moments feels to me like a scary option.

It would only be if the un-thinkable happened that it would be wrong, and my gut feeling is you are asking because at some level it feels uncomfortable for you. I would say listen to that "voice" inside that says this is a practice that could allow for a bad result.

Other alternatives: trade time with another mommy. Give an hour or two break to a friend watching her child and ask for the hour or two break in return. One of my friends traded Tuesday & Thursday mornings for three or four hours each, this gave each mom time to get some work done.

Good luck,

E.