Ughhh! My in Laws Drive Me Crazy

My father was kind of like this, so I cut him out of my life. It hasn't brought some sudden joy to me but I am not sad about it either, so there is that.

It sucks but you really can't "do" anything. If your husband wants to try to have a better relationship with them at some point he could try, but it honestly sounds like he doesn't want or need that kind of negativity in his life. And you probably don't need it either. Just focus on your own family, your marriage and kids and friends and stop wishing these people were something that they're not.

It is always hard to see someone you love treated unjustly or unfairly. However, if it REALLY isn't bothering your husband, why let it bother you? Treat it as a cautionary tale for making sure that you never take your own family or children for granted.

As an aside, my husband kind of has the same situation. His family doesn't get together much, often it is not figured out until the last minute (which usually leaves us in a bind because we already made other plans), and I never really got along with his Mother. I will say that with the recent heath crisis with both of his folks, I have watched his family really come together as a united front. Maybe that is their deal - if there isn't a crisis, it is every man for themselves.

My family has "adopted" my husband and love him like he is their own. He does stuff with my mom all the time (just the two of them). My husband DOES have family - it just happens to be mostly my family :) Who cares - he is loved by people who care about it.

Let it go, Let IT GOOOOO!!!!!
Seriously, why bother or put an ounce of energy into worrying about them??? Follow your hubs lead, no need for drama. Focus on your family and kids and other things that are more worth your time.

When people are this unpleasant, unkind, and insufferable, whether or not they are related by blood, it is best to have the minimum amount of contact with them as possible.

If you are invited to major events like weddings or annual things like birthdays and holidays, you can choose whether or not to go, but I would not attend any event that I was invited to last minute. Who calls someone at 11 p.m. to ask why you aren't at a party? Give those things no attention at all.

You don't have to have contact with them, but sometimes, people decide to have minimal contact just to avoid total estrangement. Maybe there is one aunt or cousin he likes, or maybe your kids get along well with their same-age cousins. Those are some reasons people choose to continue to have some contact with parents like this. Sometimes, people take extended breaks from these types of family members. That's ok, too.
That is up to you and your husband to decide.

Perhaps you and your husband should get together and decide how much contact you really want to have. Maybe 1 time every few months? Maybe just at major holidays? Maybe 1 or 2 times a year? I'd also discuss with your husband time limits when you do decide to join them for any event. Maybe you go for a couple of hours, be pleasant despite how awful they are, and then say goodbye and go do your own thing.

It's sad when family are cruel, difficult, and drama-filled, but almost every family has a few people like this we have to deal with. Once you accept that their bad behavior has nothing to do with you or your husband, but rather is a reflection of their own issues, it becomes easier. Decide ahead of time what works best for you and your family, and then execute your plan accordingly. When you do this, you take back those things that are under your control and you spend less of your precious time reacting to and being entangled in someone else's problems.

Do nothing. Honestly, you do not want them in your life any more than they are now. You will never change them. Your husband is not upset, he is happy to be away from the drama. Let go of your own upset over them not being the kind of family your family deserves. Focus on those in your life who are positive.

My advice is to just stop caring about them and what they do or don't do. Make your own life with good friends and plan things with your friends and the nice family members on your side instead. Ignore his family. Put little thought or effort into them. Be polite still but stop caring about spending any time with them or about anything they say. If you do get invited to something and you want to go then go. If they forget to invite you, well they can suck it. You have awesome plans and will be having fun that day anyway. I feel bad for your husband too...but once he stops caring it's very freeing. A therapist will say to let yourself mourn for the family you wish you had and the family you deserve and then let them go. They are not to be trusted in any way whatsoever. ---------------------It sucks but some families are just completely disfunctional and will never change. My mom is very narcissistic and never calls me. Ever. It's like this game she plays...if I call her it means I love her - she wants power over people. If I don't call her I'm a bad daughter. I ignore her stupid games and I really don't care. I do call now and then to see how she is doing, but not because I care one way or the other about her little phone game. Like your husband I am mellow and don't care for drama and one thing that has helped greatly is to live in a totally different state. It's great! I highly recommend moving. We have made really good friends that are like family and we all support each other. ------------------------PS - Your question was posted yesterday Oct 7th, but it never showed up in my mamapedia questions until now. It wasn't there this morning when I had my coffee. So, some sort of glitch maybe happened??

The best thing you can do for him is support him. If he wants a different relationship with his family, be supportive of that and do what you can to help. If his relationship with his family doesn't bother him, why cause trouble.

I actually do get it. My husband's family is generally very nice to us, and we have fun when we're together. His brother and sister are super close and do things together all the time. My BIL is always doing things for my SIL's kids, and they are all super close. It does make me jealous sometimes. But here's the thing. My husband doesn't care. We do things with them when we can, and I try to let go of the rest.

I think the best thing you can do right now is take a step back and think. What does your husband want? This is his family. If he would like things to be different, talk to him about it and see what you can do to help him with that. But if he's actually ok with the way things are and doesn't really want a closer relationship, then be supportive and work towards letting go.

I'm not sure there is a problem that needs fixing.
It sounds like your husbands family is a drama filled bunch of idiots - and you should never care what idiots think.
Rather than complaining about not being included with that bunch - count your blessings that they leave you out of it.
Why even bother going around once every 2 months?
Try once every 2 years.
For the most part - except for marriage or adoption - we don't get to choose our family members.
Being 'family' is no excuse in my mind for hanging out with people you don't like or respect.
Make friends with people that you enjoy being with and spend time with them.

If you and Hubby don't feel close to his family - why even bother being in proximity?
You are free to move across country for a better climate or for better jobs.
Just do a mental mind flip regarding the situation.
See it for the positive thing that it is because I'm not seeing a downside to being excluded from your husbands side of the family.

This is so frustrating and I'm so sorry that you cannot have the family you want to have.

Now, stop eating yourself up about it because your husband is mellow and lets the drama wash right off his back. Your children deserve a mother and father focused on giving them a supportive, loving and CALM family. You deserve a break and it is not your job to make these people into something else than who they are. You can pity them, and you need to distance yourself from them.

Your children should not be exposed to people who disrespect their father and their mother. Why would you find these people to be good influences on your children? What values do they demonstrate that you feel are admirable? None, right?

So, fill birthdays with people your husband and you enjoy and who celebrate the people that you are. Spend holidays with people who don't have family or who have problematic families - look around you, because surely someone out there would enjoy you and appreciate you and fill your lives with gratitude and love and good values.

My brother can't stand my husband. He's always made that clear. He's not respectful of me and thinks I've been a terrible daughter to our mother. (Mind you, my mother chose to move into my town to live near my family, 3000 miles from my brother and his.) My sister-in-law is pretty shallow and very into appearances. She's not particularly mean but she's not particularly deep or supportive either. There's bigotry and a whole lot of superiority. So guess what? We don't have contact unless there's an emergency. It's been great. My holiday table is filled with friends who don't have family, or who have family they can't always travel to see. Our birthdays include those we love, not those who have the same last name or who share DNA.

I recommend that you take action to stop letting this bother you. Think of that serenity prayer, and try to accept what you cannot change and to know when that's what's going on. Otherwise, you're going to eat yourself up and become sad, angry, frustrated and a bad example to your kids. What would you tell them if someone bullied them on the playground or didn't invite them to parties? You'd tell them to walk away and find other friends, right? So do that.

I'm nor saying it's easy. I'm saying it's the only thing you can control. Try to find some acceptance of that.

Some families have a really negative vibe. My husband's does. When new members marry into it, it can become even more apparent - because it becomes 'exposed' if you will. My MIL once said to me "Oh your family must fight like this too" and I shook my head and said "Um no" because his family is like a Jerry Springer sh!t show.

You just have to accept what is, and let this stuff go. Your husband grew up with this, and it's his family's 'normal'. There's no point in getting upset about it. It won't change a thing. I used to feel badly for my husband because his family all gangs up on him and criticizes him.

Now I just leave the room. I can't stand by and watch it. I actually get anxious. That feeling of feeling walking on eggshells? I never knew what that expression meant.

My husband's family I think loves him, they just have this negativity that I don't get and don't want any part of.

My husband and I just agree that it won't be a part of our family.

Seems your husband accepts them as they've always been and has moved on. He isn't upset by them. Why are you? Why do you expect them to make you happy? Co-dependency is expecting other people to say/do what you want so that you can be happy.

I suggest you work out your feelings in counseling so that you can let go of your anger.

Not all families have love for each other and a desire to bond and stick together. His family's actions prove he's not really on their mind, for whatever reason. I suggest he does the same thing and finds ways of being happy without them. If they come around and try to keep in touch or ask for forgiveness, then that's different, but he should not be chasing after them or waiting for them to call him in the middle of the night to attend some event because they "forgot" to ask him sooner. If they keep doing that, hopefully he will respond that he is busy with other friends or you, and cannot attend, and they will perhaps get a hint that they can no longer walk all over him. Family relations should not be this hard, or maybe they just aren't meant to be. If you can't be comfortable and honest with your family, who can you be comfortable with? Just because they share DNA doesn't mean they will all share the same feelings of love towards him, there's no obligation to love someone just because they are family, and he doesn't owe them anything, nor should allow them to use him like a doormat. If he is an assertive type, he could also stand up for himself and tell them he doesn't appreciate being left out or being the brunt of jokes and it's not okay.

I’m again surprised that no one has responded to your question. Are you posting it locally instead of to all the Mamapedia moms? If so, you might want to repost it to everyone instead of just to those in the Miami area.

I think you must need to get all this off your chest by writing to people who don’t know them. If it helps you feel better, that’s good. Now, what to do about this family?

I think the best thing is not to care. They don’t look at life the way you do. Perhaps if your husband took a REAL break from them (like not answering phone calls or messages like the one at 11 pm), they might start to miss him instead of laughing about him. If I were you, I wouldn’t go over there at all to be talked to badly by the FIL. I just wouldn’t.

Your husband has to decide to fish or cut bait, so to speak. It’s his family. I think that you need to really talk to him and ask him how he feels and what he wants to do.

so your husband has long ago adjusted to his family dynamic, you have always dealt with it just fine, and now all of a sudden you're 'really bothered' by it and have decided that they're all bad guys and you're going to fix them.

huh.

i don't see a question in here anywhere. good.

cuz i can't see how this will end well.

khairete
S.

M.

What is your question here?

If they have already side-lined him? Why not take advantage of it and just ignore them? They sound like toxic people anyway.

I would just not answer the phone...why bother?

My husband's family is/was dysfunctional, but it's what they knew and normal for them. My husband's parents are both dead. His mom died in 2006 on Mother's day while we were in Mexico. Woof. Talk about drama. His dad died in 2013. His family operates on the "no news is good news" mentality. My husband had a hard time understanding my family talking basically daily. After his mom died, I encouraged my husband to call his dad on Sunday's. The first call was maybe 5 minutes long. By the time he died in 2013? Their calls were well over an hour long.

For your husband? I would tell him you back him/support him in whatever path he chooses. He deserves better. But this is HIS family and you don't get to make the call. I know how upsetting it is when someone you love isn't being treated the way you feel they should be treated. But it's not your call. You can tell him how much their treatment of him bothers you. But don't bad-mouth them. It won't help.

Good luck!~

You start off your post stating that your husband is the black sheep of the family. There must be something he has done or is doing to put off his parents. Can he speak to them, heart to heart and tell them how it hurts him that they don't want him around? I think your husband has to answer Dr. Phil's famous question: What is your responsibility in the breakdown of this relationship?
If they really don't want a relationship with him and his family, stick to your family where I hope you have better luck.