Two Questions

Hi L.,

Thanks for asking questions. Do you think that the libido issue will be better resolved if you go off strike at home? Dare I say sex begins in the kitchen and laundry room. Nothing says love more than food and clean clothes and a smile.

Men need respect in order to be emotionally happy. Women need to feel cherished. I suggest that you and your husband sit down and write out what is your responsibility and what is his. Once you have come to an agreement on a few things sign your name on a piece of paper saying you will be responsible for those (just like with an employer each employee has specific duties. For things like mopping or windows see if you guys can be creative and fair)

When you are doing household chores each week if you set a goal, break it into small manageable chunks and give yourself grace on the days when you didn't accomplish as much as you would have liked to, or as perfectly as you would have liked it you will find it easier to accomplish with a positive attitude. Also ask for help when you need it (if you or the children are sick or every Friday, etc...) Once a week at our house I will bring the laundry into the family room and have a Moms help day where my husband and daughter and I each fold what is ours and put it away. Our daughter is 6.

These are lessons I have had to learn over the past few years. Marriage is work but it is worth it!

I second the suggestion of www.flylady.net! And read her book too "Sink Reflections". It helped me tremendously in feeling better about the house and myself. You may even find it helps with things in the bedroom. Suggestions from "Saving Dinner" and savingdinner.com can help with meal planning and prep, too.

In the end, I divorced my lazy, chronically unemployed, husband anyway, but... Now he lives in the house and he cleans and cooks and is an active parent to our young daughter! :-)

you shouldn't have to ask him to help when he can see just the same as you do that the house needs picked up. but after being married my ex for 6 years and married to my husband now for almost 3 years (even put a post up about the same thing as you)... men don't see things the same as we do. I have to ask my husband almost every time to help me pick up. We have 5 kids and a dog inside and with in minutes of me cleaning its like a tornado again. After blowing up a few times and asking very nicely the rest he is finally getting it that he needs to help me. I know he was very tired when he got home from work, so I only asked him to help on weekends when I decided to do the cleaning.. not picking up. after a few weekends of cleaning with me, making sure he got to do each room atleast once he seen how much work goes into cleaning it "my way" and now he picks up with out me even having to ask. He will even ask me if I would like him to do the dishes atleast once a week. There is hope for him yet, lol. I would sit down with him and explain your side and make sure to point out that he doesn't do the outside work every day... if he has to then you dont expect him to do the inside work... otherwise it would really help you out alot and you would appreciate it very much.

as for question#2... im not sure what to say to help other than maybe it would be like for when we loose it... if you can get to do it more... the more he will want it. start slow and slowly try to increase the times and hopefully it will come back more.

good luck on both of them... as both can be fusterating!

I have to ask my husband every time to help me clean. He tells me it doesn't look like I need help so if I want him to help I have to ask. He is full time AF (he goes in and comes home whenever he wants) and I stay at home. I can clean the house but when he comes home from work it's 50/50. He lives here and makes messes too, why can't he help with dishes at the end of the day? The whole 50/50 thing doesn't work quite like I want it to but atleast he is picking up after himself now. In order to get my point across I tried not cleaning for a month and I hated it because all his friends would say something about why I didn't clean the house. It didn't quite work so I blew up at him and told him how I felt. He said OK. I really hope your husband understands how you feel. Just sit down and talk to him about (it's ok to cry too, it'll really get your point across) ;) Good luck!

As for your second question I don't know. I wish my husband lost his libido because I don't have much of one lol.

Good for you for talking to your husband.

Now, in a few weeks or months, when he forgets he is supposed to be helping you (LOL) try www.flylady.net

It got me out of my "stinkin' thinkin'" and chaotic clutter. It also helps you to build routines. And it's totally free. I have not spent a penny on learning all the tips and tricks etc. Oh yeah, and I did it with a 4 month old. I am way better off in the household/housework situation for having signed up with flylady.

what you should remember is that even though you are working hard all day, your husband is too. he does things every day to make your family's life secure, and he does them whether or not he feels like it, whether or not he wants to. he may not be doing his part at home, but hes doing his part by doing his job.
i realize that you have a job too, which makes life a bit more difficult.... however, someone still has to do the things around the house.
your 2 issues are related.
heres something you will NEVER think will work, but it does, i have specific experience here.
instead of "punishing" him for not doing what you expect of him, try just loving him regardless. life is tough. theres always things to do. but "going on strike" is not going to solve anything, and you arent going to change him.

i had gotten into a period where i thought that my husband should be helping. so i would just not do the dishes for instance, until there were none, then we would fight about it.
after reading books like "the proper care and feeding of husbands" and "created to be his help meet" - i took a bit of wisdom and just gave up the struggle. if something needed to be done, i just did it. i didnt whine, i didnt complain, i didnt get all mad because i had to do it, i just did it.
before you know it, my husband was doing things all on his own. mind you, he does NOT do a lot, but he does more now than he did before. i loved him despite the feelings of frustration i had. silently, and patiently, i made him feel respected and loved instead of harped on and rejected.

like i said, these 2 things are connected. its a vicious circle you can get into, one of you is hurt, so you withhold doing the chores, which makes the other mad, so they withhold sex, or they just feel too harped on and rejected that they dont want it.
theres probably nothing better you can do for your marriage right now than to watch the movie "fireproof".
and watch it WITH your husband.
make it required.
its so easy these days to get distracted and forget why you got married in the first place to someone who isnt who you want them to be.
but isntead of feeling that way, we should just love our spouse. even when they dont do anything deserving of that love, love them anyway.
you win more battles with honey than you will with vinegar. :D a sweet disposition, a smile, laughter, respect, and kindness mean more to a marriage than resentment over chores, nagging, going "on strike"....
good luck

L.,

I've been married for 15 years and I still have to ask. We have to ask, because men don't think the same way we do. They need to know that we need them for one thing. Secondly, they figure if you don't ask for help that we don't need it. You can't make assumptions where men are concerned. Just tell him, and keep telling him. It will make him feel good knowing that you need his help, and you will get the help you need.

Lisa - mom of 4 boys

Hi L.-
I found a great website www.flylady.net which has helped me both learn to keep the house reasonably clean and also helped/encouraged me to move toward the goal of getting my husband more involved. It is in baby steps not overnight, she always states that the house did not get dirty in one day, it will not get clean in one day! My house sounds like yours in the outside/inside chore thought process and that I have to "ask" DH to help me do things. The website can seem overwhelming because of all the email "reminders" but don't beat yourself up, just delete them if tney don't fit that day, the email reminder will be there again the next day, things will get done in baby steps!
Hang in there and best of luck!
J.

Okay, what your Man is really saying is "you manage the inside". You said he helps when asked so ask? Manage the inside like a business and make lists by using different colors of recipe cards. ie pink/purple for the tasks the girls are big enough to do; dark pink/purple for tasks girls need suprvsn to do; blue for your Man/ea day's task;dark bl/once wkly task; etc. ea day, ask him if he's okay w/tasks. remember:don't load him up/just the basics: Love him;love yourself;raise happy kids;the rest is distraction.

I went through your situation for twenty years and am now divorced. Men don't see the magnitude of work that women do. I would suggest that if you can get him to agree to keeping track of the hours you spend every week doing housework and the hours he spends shoveling, etc., the evidence will be clear and he won't have any grounds to stand on with regard to fairness.

So, does he spend two or three hours a day, every day of the year, shoveling snow. Goodness...where do you live? I did all of the housework and yard work, including 90 percent of the shoveling and all of the mowing (because I actually enjoyed it...it was fresh air and exercise and cheaper than a club membership, and those hours don't even begin to hold a candle to all of the hours I spent taking care of and raising three kids, running errands, cooking, laundry and cleaning house.

I suggest you keep track of both of your hours and he probably will feel pretty silly that he even thought of making such a suggestion. :)

I'm going to agree that guys need reminding. Lists are great since it helps reduce the nagging.

My husband just lost his job and finally asked me to teach him how to do laundry. Sometimes they just don't know what to do or how to do it, so team cleaning can be really effective.

Regarding the libido - he's still really young. Has he had any complications from surgery that could be making things uncomfortable? If so, it could be embarrassing for him to talk about. Just a thought...

SO, what I am getting from previous posters is that you have to give your hubby sex and do all the work and not ask his help for anything. hmmmmm. sounds like hell.
My husband helps all the time. There is no such thing as women's work besides giving birth.
Ask him if there are 5 things that he would like to do to regularly help around the house. That is not unreasonable!
If he took out the garbage AND put a new bag in (that counts as one!), folded the socks, etc.... then you wouldn't have to ask him over and over again. Those would be his responsibilities.
One thing that floored me is the post that said you can't expect hubby to do anything (because he works hard alllll day) but you can DEMAND that he watch a movie on marriage with you?
You are not wrong! Husbands and wives are SUPPOSED to be a team! Meaning, when one is tired, the other one picks up the slack!
By the way, Sex begins in the kitchen actually when the man pitches in! A clean counter doesn't make a man all hot and bothered, it makes us ladies feel loved!

Times certainly has changed since I raised my two. I worked full time.. part time.. maintained a home and raised my children with minimal help from my husband ( whom I adore). The trick to it all is to priority... what needs to be done immediately and what can wait til another day. I can honestly say that my home stayed cleaned using this method. Your 5 year old should be able to pick up her own toys by now and your almost 2 can certainly help also. Men in general need to be told what you need help with and not just once. Most men don't see the house in the same eyes as we do. I can say that working (going to school).. raising children and having a husband is hard work. It is never ending but a joyful experience if you don't sweat the small stuff. Your refusal to do your husbands laundry and I have a feeling their is alot of tension around your home is a probable reason his libido isn't as high as it should be. You say he might have to get out of the service sooner then he expected that might have put alot of pressure on him, how is he going to support his family etc. My refusing to be his wife you are saying he isn't as much of a man. Loving goes a long way.

Hi L.,

Your life will be much more pleasant when you accept that: (a) If you want a clean house, you need to live alone; and (b) Yes, you do need to ask your husband to help out, every time.

I lived alone for a decade, and my place was spotless. Those days are distant memories! There is always something needing organizing or cleaning at my house. I figure that when my house is spotless again, my son will be grown, I'll be a widow, and my cat will have died. I'm sure other busy moms can relate.

My husband will do anything I ask him to do, but I do need to ask him--I write up weekly chore lists for the both of us, and I post them on the kitchen cupboad. I feel like whether or not my husband "should" just know to do certain chores is beside the point. It takes me 1-2 minutes to write the list, and there is peace and harmony in my house.

For the times when multiple things need to be done *right now*, I'll say to my husband, "George needs a bath, the supper dishes need to be done, and the trash should be taken out. Which would you like to do?". That way, we're both doing chores at the same time, which seems to make them more pleasant. Also, I'm letting him know that I need his help *right now* without nagging.

Your husband may be oblivious to all that you do "inside the house". That's why I think chore lists for the both of you would be effective. He'd see in black and white all that needs to be done, and he'd see side-by-side what each of you was doing. For times when you are overwhelmed with several immediate tasks, saying "A, B, and C all need to be done yet today. Which one can you help me with?" may prove to be effective.

A couple of things.... I think if you give date/time ranges on the chore list, it will be most effective. "Please rake the leaves by Thursday night. Please mop the floor yet today if you can."

My husband and I have odd work schedules. One of us is always home with our son, so we share in his care equally, but I still consider myself "the supervisor" of our household, and it's my job to delegate tasks. Perhaps this will be too sexist for other posters here, but it works for us. Good luck.

I know this may sound weird to some of you ladies but my husband started helping with the inside stuff when one day he came home and I shoveled the drive and a roast was in the crock pot inside. It showed him how nice it is for someone to help him out and he in turn was more likely to help me out for a while. When that stops I do another one of his chores and he helps me for a while longer. I found kindness or asking with a kiss goes alot further than nagging or demanding. The whole idea of serving each other... sometimes the guys just need to be reminded of the concept.

Hi L.,
My hubby & I are the same ages as you guys. As for his libido... My own drive is low and consequently my husband's patience seems to lower his drive. I am always told at the Dr that this is due to have young children & busy life. My husband is going for his Masters while working. I am going to have my hormones checked at next exam & I am going to plan a wkend getaway after next midterms. Be patient & affectionate. :)
For cleaning: the cleaner I keep the home, the more control I have over my enviroment. I am by no means consistently tidy, but my husband is better about picking up his stuff or loading the empty dishwasher when everything else is looking/feeling good. :)
Also, weather permitting, for some reason camping (in tent w/ air mattress) always sparks something for us! :)

Question 1 - been there and still there! Men will do what they want to do and YES we need to ASK SWEETLY for their help. Question 2 - I don't necessarily need to know what the surgery was but could be the cause of it whether it has put fear in him or resentment or just questions. Again being gentle, sweet, patience. Have you tried talking to him; of course after thinking what would be the best approach. Couples NEED to talk. You may want to alter what you wear to bed at night and use a special fragrance. Best Wishes. J.