Twin flame/Soul Mate

I think the idea of a soul mate sounds romantic, but I also think it doesn't exist. My husband is my best friend, and I love him very much, but to say he is my "soul mate" makes it sound like we live in some kind of blissful wonderland with hearts and rainbows, where nothing ever goes wrong.

Everyone knows that a successful relationship happens when both parties are fully invested in it, want it to work, work hard to resolve issues that come up, and nobody takes the other person for granted.

The idea of a "soul mate" implies (to me, anyway) that the relationship is co-dependent and nobody is thinking for themselves, therefore, hearts, rainbows, unicorns, and soul mates. But maybe I'm being cynical.

You know, I'm not much of a romantic. When I was a little girl I *never* imagined myself married (legally or otherwise). A mother...maybe. But not partnered with a man. I was determined not to fall in love, to never depend too much on a lover, and to never become weak in the knees.

Now, you have to understand, I wasn't exactly a typical teenager when I met my (now) husband. I had dropped out of school and was living some version of a artist-punk-vagabond fantasy when I saw my very dirty, very crass, very bunged up dream boat on a street corner. My goodness, one look in those eyes and I was beyond smitten. As a joke, I turned to my girlfriend and said, "Ooooho, I'm going to marry him". Ain't life funny. I think the universe has had a good laugh over THAT one.

We were friends for a while, and then when we both became single we started dating (read: were travel partners with benefits). Sure, by this time I had big feelings but I had also stashed 16 exit plans and kept one foot in the door. Imagine my discomfort (and butterflies) when he professed his love.

Some serious dysfunction and a few months later finds me pregnant, twenty dollars to our name, and on an island in the pacific. Back home we had two dogs and a moldy, mouse infected school bus which we called home. So that was the beginning of our domestic adventures.

I'll spare you the gory details (of which there have been MANY) and jump to present moment. Here we are, all settled down, living in our own home and raising two littles. I tell you what B., we have been through hell and high water in the past years. Poverty, addiction, family of origin blowouts, health issues, a baby, kinship care, marriage, recovery, and the daily commitment of yes, today I still choose to be with you. Today I'll hold your hand. Today I'll wake up next to you and tonight I'll go to sleep with your arms around me.

And at this point, I'll admit (begrudgingly!) that yes, I think I am with my true love. My man and I have few things in common and had planned only as far as our next meal when we shared our first kiss. But somehow, as a result of luck, grace, and grueling effort, we've made it and stayed together. And not for the worse, mind you, we are much stronger, much (much!) healthier people than when we met. Through each other we were given an opportunity to work through our baggage. Not that we're perfect or have reached some destination, but shoot, we only get happier and stronger by the day.

I trust him and can count on him - and my love for him gives me courage to drop down into myself in ways that are utterly terrifying.

I don't know if we're each other's ONE true love - (no guaranty in this life) but I do deeply hope that in fifty years time, you'll find us with our legs dangling in the water, cracking a fart joke.

We weren't supposed to be where we are now (statistically speaking, that is). And when we talk about it now (Why us? How'd this miracle happen? Why are we so lucky/blessed?) we agree that love has something to do with it. He says that this love changed his heart and made him hopeful. When I'm with him, it's like being home.

I don't know. I still prefer a picnic on the beach matched with some good snorting-laughs to a fancy candle lit dinner, and I'm not going to say there is one truth for everyone, but that's my story and how I see my situation. Despite my best efforts, I believe in 'twin flames' and all that jazz, or at least the power of love.

I hate terms like soul mate. Just kind of makes it sound like you just find this person, stick the pieces together and there ya go.

I know that all my life lessons taught me that Troy is as close to perfect as someone can be for me. Sure there are times I want to throttle him and I am sure there are times he wants to throttle me. For the most part though it is perfect. Neither of us want to change the other but because of that we always try to be a better person. :)

Years ago, I had to replace "soul mate" with "best friend".

Part of it was that everyone was talking about 'finding their soul mate'...I don't believe one really knows this about another person until they have spent a very long time with them. Rarely do we become best friends with someone right away. A true, good friendship often takes time to develop the depth and integrity which sustains it over the long haul.

I think the problem with these ideas (soul mate, one true love) is that it puts a lot of expectation on the other person. There's the expectation to complete each other, to meet each others needs unfailingly. There is no discussion of WORK. No admission of the darker times many of us have dealt with in our relationships, those moments when we just couldn't understand how that other person which we are so close to thought the way they did or did what they did. *That they are indeed their own person.* There's no discussion about the hard parts, or the discord. If we can change together, adapt to each other, listen to each other, deal with the work of the harder times together...to me, that friction and energy of movement and work is the spark that keeps my marriage alive. (I don't mean negative friction, by the way, not in the relational sense.)

Perhaps because I've been previously married--stayed too long due to a need to be needed-- (and from growing up watching my mother get married 5 times) I have a very realistic view of love at this point.Commitments aren't just about how we feel about someone, or about how someone makes us feel about ourselves. In my marriage, I have made a conscious choice to be with this one good person, to commit to staying healthy in our relationship and to raise our son together in as much accord with each other as possible. I truly adore, admire and am very smitten with my husband. And I know I have a lot of work ahead of me...

I have a theory that many, many divorces happen, because of simply making the wrong choice. People think if you love someone, you get married. I don't. Love, is not enough. People get married for love (which has to be there,) but forget marriage is about so much more. If I married someone JUST based on love, I would have been divorced from him in the first year. Instead, I moved on. I found my husband. I DID and DO love him greatly, but there was more. There were practical things about him, that made a wonderful partner. I could never marry JUST for love, personally. Or, JUST for passion. Love and passion can leave the building pretty quickly, in the absence of things that make someone easy to build a life with. I think people stay in bad relationships, because it's a certain kind of failure that is devastating to accept. The future one wanted, is not possible. Also, the reality of leaving. Where will you go? What if you don't meet anyone else? What if he WAS the best I'll get? What if I don't function well without this life? (etc.) I also think people that stay in bad relationships can often suffer from some rooted self esteem and worth issues. (Not saying you did, at the time. Many do, though.)

I don't know if I believe in "soul mates." I believe in making choices. I could have passed over my husband. Not easily, or without pain, and I didn't want to. If I had to, I could have. Although, I might have wondered "what if" through the years, I could have found someone who I loved and suited me well. I am glad I chose my husband, because he is a wonderful person, and we have a great marriage. I do believe I could have achieved that with someone else if I had to (not that I would want to!) I DO believe that there is someone who is BEST for you. I chose my husband, because I felt he was the best. I don't think would be destined to get together and make it. We chose our commitment, and made the decision we would fight to the death for each other. I don't believe I'm with my ONE true love, because I can't see the future. I don't know if I will have him forever, or if I will have to find another love someday. I hope I don't have to!

Hi B.!
I absolutely do not believe in "soul mates" or "twin flames". I think that if two people are compatible enough to fall in love, and complement each other, then they have to be willing to make it work. Love is never, ever so easy that we find someone and just 'click'. There WILL be ups and downs.

My husband and I have been together since we were freshmen in high school, age 15. We have been together 14 years, and married 9. Our third child is on the way. I love that man more than the air I breathe, and I couldn't imagine sharing my life with anyone else, but were we "destined" to be together? I don't think so. I think that God had a plan for me, yes, but ultimately, it's my husband's and my choice whether to do the work or not to make it work, and THAT is where a lot of people go wrong.

I'm so glad you found someone to be happy with!

People can have many soul mates.
I know I have known a few, per relationships I have had before getting married. And people go through MANY personal phases too.
And at each age juncture, someone AT that time, may have been a soul-mate... but not later.

Now I am married. So my Husband is a bit of a soul mate... but we also can get on each other's nerves... because we have a LOT in common, including the same irks.

Soul mates can be positive or negative.

Then, picking a Spouse & marrying him/her, is not necessarily based on if it is a soul mate or not. For some.

Then there is making that choice... for whatever reason. On who to marry.
Some choices are not good.
Or the person morphs into someone else, once married.
Who's to know that?

I believe in "true love", but I also believe that a person could be compatible and very happy with any number of people. Sort of like having multiple friends. You can be happy, really happy but I don't think there is a perfect way of of knowing for sure.

I do think there is a point where a person has to just stop looking for that "one" and realize if they have someone good and loving and if they can be happy, or else they'll forever be looking. Waiting for what? A flash of light? Bells?

Is my husband my "One", I think so. We match so perfectly in so many ways. Even if by some fluke I meet someone I mesh with better, I made my choice, he is who I want.

No, I don't feel like I've found my twin flame, or one of my twin flames. Hopefully, there is more than one twin flame for each of us on this planet, because if not, then my flame is probably out in a rice paddy or kibbutz or someplace I will never go, and anyway we don't even speak the same language so we will never even know we were really meant for each other.

But that said, I am quite bonded with my husband, and we share a lot of history, so it's worth preserving. If he changes (ha!), maybe I will discover that he really is my twin flame, or I live long enough, maybe at 95, Ling Wu or Shlomo and I can finally get together.

Right on, Hazel.

i think most people have quite a few potential soul mates. isn't it lovely when we actually find one?
but One Twoo and Only Love?
i don't really think so.
fun idea, though.
:) khairete
S.

I'm not going to go into my thoughts on soul mates, because my opinion is very complicated, is based on my unusual spiritual faith and would be a very long reply. I will say though I am single and have never married because I have yet to meet a man that I believed I could tolerate for a lifetime. I hope that if I do have a "soul mate" that I'll recognize him when I meet him. But I'm OK with being single so... Anyhow, I also think that people stay in unhealthy relationships too long because society in general places so much importance on pairing up that IMO people equate their self worth, to some extent, on whether or not they have a partner and somehow feel like they have failed if they don't. Therefore ending a relationship, especially a long term one makes people feel not only like they have wasted so much time just to be a failure, but that others will judge them for there lack of ability to succeed. Granted some will walk away when all success takes is some work, but too many stay when leaving is the best option.

I find that the meaning of " soul mates" is different for everyone. For me, it means that I found someone who has the same similar pattern,personality, and values as I do. Someone who values and appreciates me for me, and all of my shortcomings. Many of my friends are my "soul mates". However, my husband, is my partner, and my better half. If that makes any sense.

Finding value and appreciation for someone, and learning and growing from them is what I tend to look for in a friend, or soul mate. It doesn't always mean a romantic partner.

The bible calls soul mates help mates. Soul mates help each other and supposedly balance each other. You can have more than one. Sometimes and even often, a soul mate is someone that is the biggest challenge of your life, but they're still there teaching you something that is needed for your own soul development.

A twin soul has another definition. It is two souls created at the same time, to put it very basically. Twin flames are rarely ever living on earth in an earthly body at the same time. Usually one stays in the spirit world and one enters earth life. They can help each other though.

Well, this is putting things very simply but it is what it is.

You have a wonderful relationship now and it's all the sweeter and all the more appreciated because of what you went through for so long with the other person. It took you that experience to find your voice and listen to your heart. What a beautiful gift. It makes it all the more.

Hi B.,

I am not very spiritual so I do not believe in destiny etc. However, I do feel like I have found my soul mate in that our compatability/chemistry is beyond what I dreamed I would find in a partner. I have also felt like he is a saving grace in that I might have put up with a less than ideal relationship. I feel very fortunate to have found him. For me, I have stayed in several relationships that were *ehem* not right for me. I have rationalized this with several explanations. One, my family always gives people the benefit of the doubt, is not judgemental and very empathetic. I tend to see the good in people and forgive their flaws. I also believe love is a verb - that it is not just a feeling but something we express through our words and actions. So, I give love even if the feelings are not there. Also, I was stuck in a couple of relationships. Change is hard for people and often it is easier to stay in a mediocre situation (or worse) than to take the risk of leaving even when we know it is the right thing.

Thanks for the question! I love thinking about this topic because I am over the moon with my "saving grace" :D

Until I met my fiancee, I never thought I was meant to be with ANYONE.

Nobody met those needs for me.

My Guy is definitely my "bookend." I don't know about "soul-mates" or "twin flames," but I do know that he and I are sooooo very well-matched that we often have the same thoughts at the same time. I love him like I've loved no other, and know that "God blessed the broken road that led me straight to him."

I was created to be his help meet. With him, everything has fallen into place. Questions have been answered. Life is wonderful and and beautiful with my best friend and love.