**Tween Trouble**

try recording her when she whines and play it back to her. I had a niece that quit whining when she heard how awful it sounded.

Does she get an allowance? If so, start charging her a "whining fee". Every time she whines, she has to pay you a set amount. Believe me, if she's like most kids, the minute it starts affecting her pocketbook, she'll straighten up.

You are right to deal with this now. Not only will the whining get worse, but she will also use the same skills to "bully" you or other family members with unacceptable behavior as she moves into the teenage years.

Others have given great advice regarding the immediate dealing with this. I especially liked the standing against the wall... act like a 2 year old, get timed out like a two year old. One thing I used (not with whining, but I think it still applies), is to say in a calm moment (not when the whining is occuring) "I want to treat you like a young woman, but when you act like a two year old I can't. When you act like a young woman that's how you will be treated. You earn it." Then you do... when she is behaving according to her age, reward it, subtly, with something appropriate (a lip gloss, something little for her room, special time with mom, something lady-like, etc). When she whines, them BAM! Time out, pop on the rear, whatever you think is right.

Also, with whining at that old of an age, make her write it. Tell her that you're not going to listen to whining, and make her write to you what she wants. You'll only have to do it once or twice. Make sure it is in letter form, with good grammar and sentence structure. Nothing (no tv, snacks, ipod, etc) until it is done. If it is not in letter form, good grammar, etc, she'll do it again until it is right. She needs to know now to speak to you and other adults.

As for interrupting, grrrrrr. I have no tolerance there. I saw a woman at church handle this well, though. We were in a conversation when her 10 year old interrupted. She said to me, "Excuse me, but my son is interrupting." She had him first apologize to me, then she directed her attention to him, asked if he was having a medical emergency, then after he said no she said that he could be in the conversation after the adults had finished their conversation. I thought, "What a great mom".

I'm with you--the whining makes me crazy. My 8 year old whines so much I have just started sending her to her room. Sometimes she will scream and cry for 30 mins. I've just learned to ignore it. This morning she didn't want to put her socks on and she started whining--I continued what I was doing, told her it was time to leave for school. Loaded my stuff up and her little sister and sure enough the next thing I know she is ready to go in the backseat, shoes and all and the whining has stopped. I have given up on trying to reason with her (my husband is trying to do the same--it's harder for him). That's my 2 cents--if you try anything and it seems to work--please pass it on.

I don't know what all little things you might have tried, but with my daughter (13) we just have a simple rule. If she is communicating like that we won't communicate with her.
ex: if she is whining I/we just say 'I'm not going to deal with you when you are acting this way. Let me know when you are ready to be mature.' or something along those lines.
We have found that getting upset, frustrated, mad, etc. really does no good. If at home we will sometimes have her go to her room until she can relate better with us, if in public & possible - leave & go home.
Hope this helps.

Good luck & God Bless.

I think that you should absolutely (and calmly) send her away when she whines and don't give in to any of her whined requests. And ignore her when she interrupts. Don't even stop to tell her not to interrupt. Teach her that this behavior gets nothing from you.

I've noticed that when this behavior is rewarded by males in a certain girl's life, she might be more likely to think of that as love and fall prey to men who will cater to that only. She's only comfortable when a male is coddling her.

My 10 year old does the same thing. While nothing works all the time, one thing I do just to keep my sanity (and it drives him crazy) is I videotape him acting up so he can see how ridiculous he looks. Then I threaten to show it to his friends.

Normally, I just send him to his room and tell him he can come out when he is acting his age.

I would suggest that you consider removing some favorite activity. Explain that whining is for babies...and if she's still needing to whine then she's not big enough for the privilage of...? My parents had a very effective rule...if we whined or begged the answer was automaticly NO...we were not about to get our way, not matter what it was. We had to talk like big people if we wanted to be heared at all. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO...DO NOT GIVE IN EVER. All it takes is one time of allowing the whined about activity and you've trained her to whine when she wants something.

Request assistance from the older children to aid in your discipline of this child too. Everyone must be consistent for it to be effective. I hate to be interrupted and I have embarrassed my daughter when she has done it to me by telling her at the exact time it happens that it is not appropriate behavior. She is also my youngest and a tween. They need to understand that they are not grown up nor are they a baby and what kind of behavior we expect out of them and what the consequences will be if they do not behave. I have taken TV out of her room, phone, IPOD, etc, whatever works. They need to understand that these things are privileges and by no means do they BELONG to them. They are earned and if they cannot act right they will LOSE ALL OF IT! It sounds harsh, but I promise it takes one time of really removing things for them to catch on. Good Luck and GOD BLESS!!!

Tell her you only hear big girl voices. When she continues tell her you can't hear her when she doesn't use a big girl voice. I do that when I teach this age and it works immediately! With the interrupting I ignore them, address the behavior as rude and when they can ask the right way I am more than willing to talk and listen! I do this privately and with respect.

She's doing this for attention - when she does it correctly thank her firmly and with respect.

good luck!

I think you and your daughter need some alone time together. Spending time together will open the lines of communication. Have a special day with her each week where you can talk about her feelings and have fun together.

She is a bit old for spankings now. I would say at this age grounding is more effective. ( I was a spanked kid and am a spanker myself...although our son is a bit too young and hasnt needed the spanking yet). Whinning drives me nutts. I would take a couple approaches to this. Explaining why she cant have said item...its too expensive, save up or wait till Christmas, you havent earned it, its inapproperate item, when you get the so and so has it tell her " how inapproperate of her". Another option is to treat her how you would want to be treated when your emotional moodie and whinnie! And there is always the good ol scarcasim when the whine starts flowing give her the " Really? Serisouly? thats how your going to respond? You need some better communication than the whine because now I see you REALLY dont need ____". Stop her in mid wine and tell her she needs to find a different way to communicate than whining if she stomps and whines even more send her too her room till she can figure out how to calmly talk to you. Good luck.

There's a book called parenting with love and logic, that has made my life somewhat simplier. It has lots of tips for whining and such. It helps with many things behavior wise. Good luck.
Blessings,
D.

Try looking at The Empowering Parents Website. It gives some good sound advice about all types of troubles with kids and their behavior and how to stop it in it's tracks. How to change yur behavior so it does not provoke their response and how to respond so they are more willing to follow what the program is.
Yes it is always or most always more painful for us as parents to have to follow through with a punishment but if we give in then what we are telling them is that if they throw a fit long enough or say the right thing they will eventually get Their way. WE have to stop letting this happen. Give them choices that come with clear concequences. ( you can do the dishes now or in 20 minutes which will it be) ( if not done in the conquence can be stand in kitchen till done) no talking no phone no tv ect. Finally after not engauging my daughter for a long period of time she finally got the picture that I just wasn't going to listen to it any longer.
Find what works best for you.
Jill

You didn't mention where in the group of children "Miss Whinny Butt" falls, is it the middle or is she bhe baby? Wherever she falls, when she whines, just ignore her or send her to her room to whine to herself so as not to get on the nerves of others around. Better yet, if she's going to act like a baby treat her like one and make her sit in a corner then ignore her except to be sure that she stays there. As for the practice of interupting you, does she do that when you are talking to her or to someone else, or both? If it's when you are talking to her, just ignore her interuption and go on with what you're saying. If it's when you are talking to someone else, stop talking, look straight at her with cold steel eyes and don't say a word for several seconds, maybe a full minute, then explain that rudeness is not acceptable and she's not to open her mouth again in the presense of other people, then go on with your conversation. Maybe it'll make an impression on her. If she's eleven, you'ed best find a way to communicate to her now because in a couple of years it'll be too late.

Something that has worked really well is standing in the corner or against the wall. Nose to the wall and definitely standing. If she is eleven, then 11 min. set a timer. They hate it. It is over in 11 min. and they will remember. Next time you may only have to mention it. Any where we go - resturants, stores, other places - there is always a wall or a corner that we suggest would be great for a time out if the behavior does not change real quick. (But we have not actually done it in a public place - only suggested it. If they are really bad while we are out then they will have to stand when we get home or no tv or no comp. Whatever fits the crime. After time out at the wall - make sure they understand exactly why they were there and it was their choice because they new that there would be consequences for their actions.

I have a 12 year old and a 9 year old. The 12 year old is a whiner. I just calmly tell her I can't understand her when she whines. She usually takes a deep breath and tries again in a less whiny tone. I would really hesitate on the spanking. It is so humiliating at that age--you could really do some major damage to your relationship with your daughter. It also teaches her that an appropriate way to deal with behaviors we don't like is through violence and hitting. I seriously doubt she is deliberately whining to irritate you. It is just how some children communicate their unhappiness. Consistently remind her and give examples of how you want her to talk to you. When she interrupts you while you are talking with another adult, excuse yourself for a moment, look your daughter in the eye and say 'You are interrupting, which is rude and disrespectful. I will speak to you when I am finished with my conversation.' Remain calm. Show her how adults handle difficult situations. She is learning everything about life from you at this stage, so you need to be her best teacher! Good luck!

Hi R. P
You are so right- there is no excuse to be rude, no matter what age you are- but, unfortunatally there are some things you must endure while she is going thru these stages- Grounding is not always the answer and spanking is not out of the question either.......patience and remember, this too shall pass.
good luck and blessings

When my kids would whine, I'd whine back, trying to be really screechy and annoying. They aren't whiners any more!

One of the strategies already mentioned is similar to what I use. I use "excuse me, I don't understand you when you whine (or talk that way or sound like that)"

Also, I bought a phone with a mute button on it. My instructions to my kids are "I don't need / want to be hearing this right now. Take it out of this room (to your room, whatever)" The first few times required that I lead the kid by the hand out of the room, but, later, I just had to say it.

I have also been glad to read "Raising your Teen with Love and Logic" by Dr Cline (I've forgotten the co-author's name). You can probably find it at your local public library.

Good luck.

I cannot stand the whining.

Go back to your parenting when she was 3. Tell her "use your regular voice." "I cannot understand you when you use that voice." "Go to your room, till you find your regular voice."

My mother used to whine to us when we whined to her.. We used to all crack up. My mom is so not a whiner...

When she interrupts you, place your hand up like "stop". Tell her, "I am still speaking. You may speak when I am finished." "It is rude to interrupt people when they are speaking."

I just found out last week that one of our neighbors slaps her daughter on the mouth when she talks back, whines and interrupts.. The daughter is 21.. Now her daughter just does not speak to her mother unless her mother speaks to her first. Her mother still has not noticed this. I asked the mom why she does this, she said "it is not a hard slap, just a small slap." She said her "daughter should never speak to me like that." "She needs to respect me."

The main thing is to be consistent and follow through on your punishment. I know this is easier said than done and it will take some time, but it's really the best way. I'd guess that she is whining because she knows you hate it, and it probably gets some reaction from you, so try not to let her see your frustration. As for punishment, do what is most appropriate for the crime and for your daughter. Taking away TV or video game priveledges usually gets my son to respond.