Trying to Make a "Parenting Plan" Fair

Please bear with me while we look into the future.
What do you and their dad want 10 years from now? Would you like for you oldest to be able to get married and have both parents there, dad walking her down the aisle, you crying with joy and pride and maybe your new spouses there too with everyone wanting to make the day the best possible for her?

When those grandchildren start coming do you want them to be able to have their birthday parties with both grandparents there and everyone glad to be there?

The years will go by quickly and they will be grown before you know it. You and their dad have a choice right now to set the tone for the rest of their childhood.
You have a huge responsibility to make sure your girls have an much time with their dad as they can. So that they can grow up knowing that both parents loved them so much that they bent over backwards to get along after the divorce.

Please do this for these children, don't let minor squabbles take hold and turn into major going to court battles.
Set down with their dad and them and really discuss what would be best for them. You and he don't get any whats best for you, sorry. Then after deciding stick to it and as they get older, have other discussions and be willing to change as the need arises.

You can do this and so can dad.

Dude....Suzi, your response was a little harsh. I think A. was looking for advice, not judgment.

A., do what's best for your girls. I don't see why their father would want them when he's going to be at work. That seems to defeat the purpose and doesn't seem in your girls best interest.

I can see why you don't want them at their dads during the school week as it can be disruptive to their lives (whether he's close or not). However, if Thursday is his day off I feel that you need to be accommodating.

It will work out. Things usually do.

Good Morning A., Yes Suzi Divorce it hard and not Selfish in the least. If people are unhappy with each other why make the children suffer even more. Yes the kids are going to feel pulled this way and that. It does happen and its not their fault, they love both parents. And definitely want to be with them both so will do whatever they can to make both happy. Yes the children shouldn't need to feel this way but WE / they do.
Sorry I digressed there a minute ;)

A. it's not going to be easy on anyone to be able to be with the children to have quality time. ( I am a Kid from 2 divorces ) I was fortunate enough to have a terrific step mom, I loved dearly so time with her when dad was gone was great.

Some questions for you A..
Does he live close by?
Does he work a "normal" type work day? hour wise
Is his mother close by and willing to watch the children if he is away? Great time for Gr ma that is for sure.
Do you not like his "younger" girlfriend? Has she done something to cause friction in the care of the children?
Does she like your children or just tolerating them?
Do you have good or fair communication with your ex? No fighting, yelling etc.
These are questions that will probably be addressed when going to court.

You will probably get physical custody of the children with shared visitation.

Dad could always ask for a different work week with a different day off, that is one option. It's going to be hard coming up with something fair since your dealing with work schedules. My dad got every other weekend and eve's of holidays.

This is getting long I know but it's important for you to think through everything that could possibly come up in court, and keep a clear mind about it. No one is going to be completely happy with the out come.

Will this be a weekly visitation or bi-weekly?
I think one way to do this exspecially through the summer would be to let him take the girls on wed. maybe have his mom pick them up to visit during the day, then he can have Thursday to hang out with them. Friday maybe back to Gr ma's, stay with him fri night, then home Sat morning.

In the long run A., it's what is best for your children and you and your former hubby are the only ones who can honestly decide that. Keep an open mind and ask him to do the same.
Hold no grudges, or anger at the situation. It took both of you to create these precious children and will take both of you to do what is best for them, emotionally, physically & spiritually.

No one whats to air their dirty laundry, but if you ever want to just vent write to me any time. I am a good listener :)

Will be praying for all of you!
K. Nana of 5
____@____.com
PS there is no judgement in this situation. It's a tough thing to go through.
"If God brought you to it, He will bring you through it".

Hi A.,

I can only imagine how this sucks for you and your ex-husband and your kids. But here is my thought, why don't you ask your older daughter what her thoughts are ? It would give you some idea of what she is thinking.
With him only having Thursday off maybe he could have them 3 nights a week Monday from after school gets out to 8 pm, Wednesday overnight and taken to school and he gets them from after school gets out to 8 pm and then Friday after school into Saturday and then back with you. Depending on what time school gets out it would give him (if the got out by 4 pm it would give him 4 hours a 2 nights a week and 2 overnights. You could do this every week.

I think this will make more sense
Monday - 4:00 pm - 8:00 pm
Wednesday - 4:00 pm, overnight and taken to school on Thursday morning - (if school is out on that Thusday they can stay with him) and returned to you by 8:00 pm Thursday night
Friday - 4:00 pm overnight and back to you before he goes to work or you pick them up or someone brings them home by 12:00 noon.
I don't know that this would work, or what his work hours are or yours but theres an idea without knowing all the specifics, W. B.

A., I know that you are struggling with what you feel is right. You seem to think he is a good father and want him to be with his girls, that is great. Trust his ability to be a parent then, trust his ability to choose the right type of child care when he is working just as you choose the right type when you need it. His relationship with his girls is far more than just him. His mother and those people in his life that he loves are probably people he would love to share them with. Kids are resillant and where a child goes after school to play or to do home work is secondary to those who love them. Take some time to discuss the school issues and allow him to have them during the week. If he wants them on weekends but they have to spend time withe Grandma or a friend, that is their life with him. Their relationship with him is going to be different than your with them, allow him to be a father, and do what is best to foster that relationship.

I feel for you!!! Really I do! My daughter is 7 and it kills me to send her to her dad's every other weekend, but that's the order. He is a car salesman and works till 9p or later on friday/sat. Sunday is the only day he spends with her, and that is usually cut short for one reason or another, especially durning football season. She doesn't know why she has to go there when he's not there. But what can you do. I just have to wait it out a few more years... I understand your feelings, but he has his rights to, even if he's not there the whole time, he will be there. It took me a LONG time to get over the anger that some chick was watching my kid all the time while he was at work all weekend. Drove me insane. It's not worth it. Just remember the to take take a deep breath...inhale......exhale...... And try to break anything!!! :-) Any questions let me know.

I thought the main principle behind shared custody is so that the kids have time to develop meaningul relationships with both parents. Just how is their relationship developing when he leaves them with other people during his custodial time? His logic is lost on me.

Your 10 year old will soon be refusing to go visit her dad, would rather be spending the nights with her friends. He needs to figure out if he wants to have a good time with them on Thursday or an "I don't want to be here" time with them and his mom or girlfriend every other weekend.

Run it by your girls. "How do you feel about going to visit Daddy and he would have to go to work so you'd stay with Grammy or Sally when he leaves?"

I agree with talking with the girls and see what they want, but Mom and Dad should do that together. I have been Divorced for 9 years, got remarried and been a step-mom for 7.5 years. I have lived and seen both sides of this coin. For the first year I was divorced my ex and I shared custody, one week there, one week with me. Then I moved from Illinois to Missouri and he gave up virtually all visitation. He knew this was what was best for the kids and I. I used to fight for him to see the kids, then I told him if he wanted them he had to work it out. We went a long time where he hardly saw them at all. This past year he has seen my 13 year old more than in a very long time. For us it is very hard just because of the distance. We have NEVER fought over the kids.

Divorce is not selfish, fighting over the kids is. They are your kids together. He is dad. That is what brings me the other side of the coin. My husband has very limited visitation with his son. His son is from a relationship, not marriage. When he went to court to get visitation he was limited to one day a week and every other weekend. He was told by his lawyer that this was because he and the mother were never married. It has always been a fight. We have been back to court once. She is always switching things around on us, because she can. She wants the kid all the time and does not want to share. It is very unfair the the children when the parents cannot agree.

With that said, good luck and try to make it "fair" for every one.

What about letting him have the children overnight when he does not work and letting him take the children to school/daycare in the morning. Then, offer him to have dinner with the kids (if he can) during the week or weekend. Maybe also offer that if he has any free time or timeoff that he can have the kids then. If he has such a hectic schedule and doesn't know what days off he will have, I would ask that he provide you with a schedule for at least 1 month. Hang in there. Eventually the 2 of you will work something out.

I have 2 friends that have even custody where they have their kids 3 1/2 days and the father has them 3 1/2 days. One of them the father lives 45 minutes away and they still share their time like that. They just have to adjust and get up earlier to get the children to school on time as obviously the kids go to a school far away for one of the parents to have to drive a distance. They will trade around days for special events as needed but still make sure the time is split the 3 1/2 days. They also share in taking turns taking the kids to their sports events or activities.
It seems to work for these 2 families. The kids are great and seem to have adjusted to this life of going back and forth and spending equal time with both parents.

They all work too so the kids have to be at babysitters part of the day after school until the parent that has them that day picks them up.

Maybe you could try some trial weekends and see how they go before you set the schedule in court. That way you both know what works better for the kids and can try to figure out a good schedule that will work for them.

Have you tried the one week on, one week off method. One of our friends does that with his ex and their two girls and have done that for years. It works for them. He has them one week and the next his ex will have them. If there is something special going on then they work it out where on those days which ever parent has the special thing going on gets them unless it is already their week. Just a thought. Good luck and God Bless.
P.S. His girlfriend may one day become his wife. It may be a good time for them to get to know her. But I do understand how you feel, and if you don't feel she is capable of watching your children while your husband is at work then by all means fight for that.

Hi! I don't really have any advice to share but I did want to say I am getting ready to go into the same kind of thing except my son is MUCH younger. I have a 3 month old that I'm in a custody battle with. His father wants him all the time and can do it. I don't even want to do joint custody because I don't think the father is the kind of role model I want for my son. It's one of those situations where I learned how the father was once it was too late.
Anyway, my question for you is are you concerned about what is going to happen if you and your ex don't agree on a parenting plan? I think you and I are getting ready to head down the same road because I know my babies father is not going to agree with what I suggest nor I agree with his idea.
I don't know if you or I are going to court first but I thought we could share how the proceedings go in a difficult situation like this???