Trying to Keep the Peace, but Loosing Patience!! Sorry It's Long!!

Walk away-the woman is 39? She sounds like a child. When someone offers to give you a shower, you graciously accept and get what you get-with a smile. I would simply tell her that she needs to have someone else plan and pay for the shower, etc-it is causing you too much stress.

Wow! So the overall shower is almost $4000? That's almost what my whole wedding cost for 125 people. And how is the bride on the controlling side of things if this is how the mother and sister are? I hope for his sake he understands the family he's walking into. No good advice yet - I'm thinking on it and will edit in a bit because my brother eloped for his second marriage, thankfully! But I wanted to reach out and just say that sounds horrible.

I just had a shower, and let me tell you: If it's in a month and invitations aren't even sent out, there's no way 80 people will show. I'd be shocked if you even get 30.

I would write a check for $500 and say "since I have no say in what is going on, here is my share."

She'll complain that you aren't paying in equally. Simply say "I'm paying according to the amount of input I've been allowed to have."

Then let them have at it. I think $500 is worth not having to stress over it. And then they can have the friggen limelight.

Best,

C. Lee

Hi D.. I admit that I just couldn't read through everything you wrote, mostly because your SIL is such a jerk that I didn't want to go through the experience. That being said, I sure do feel for you.

Now, dear lady, this is what I would do if I were in your shoes, as my shoes are as old as yours. Call the bride and tell her that you love her very much and are so glad that she will be your new sister-in-law, but that you are bowing out of anything to do with her shower because her sister doesn't approve of anything you suggest, and you have had enough. Tell her that you are contributing "x" amount of dollars to the cost of the shower and will be sending that, and ONLY that, to her sister. And then DO IT.

When the SIL balks, just tell her that you have no more ideas to offer and that she seems perfectly capable of handling things from her end. And then walk away from this thing other than to be there for the BRIDE.

You couldn't PAY me to put up with this woman. Don't do it. You don't have to be friends with your new SIL's sister. You just don't have to.

Dawn really gave you the best advice. I would absolutely write her a check for a fraction of what you originally agreed on with a little note saying that you can tell your services are no longer required, and since you didn't get any input in the planning, she will be getting less financial input from you as well.

I haven't read all the other responses. I did read your vent and think, "Oh, yes! Been there - done that!"

Maybe this is an illustration of why relatives should not give showers. Friends would have been much more sensible about the whole thing.

Your biggest problem is facing going into debt for a non-essential party. That just can't be done. If you will tell your brother what you CAN contribute to a shower, see if he'll figure out the rest of the mess. If, as you feel, you're only invited to be part of the shower for your money, putting a limit on that will be your way of putting your foot down. If the sister and mama disinvite you from the shower, that's all right. You can wish them well and be thankful you're out of it. If they actually think about what their future relative (your brother the groom) tells them, it might make things easier for you.

As for the attitudes, you can't change those. They have their own agendas and a few particular bees in their own bonnets. Let their problems be THEIR problems; don't try to solve them or even figure them out. At this point you just want to get this done and over with. Your brother and future sister-in-law are the most important people for you to relate to. Focus on building and refining your relationship with them.

State your opinions about things - don't expect them to be highly regarded (although you may be surprised now and then), but *say what you think*. If you have to say a hundred times, "No, I don't like the idea of jewelry cleaner for a favor - it's tacky," maybe the 99th time the sister might listen.

Twins are interesting. The sister of the bride must be the dominant one of the two. It could possibly be that the bride can't stand up to her.

i am so glad that my aversion to showers is so well known that no one ever asks me!!!
khairete
S.

1500 for a shower? Are they on crack? My whole wedding, with 100 people, and serving filet, was 5k! And I had 1k in roses!

I'm not sure what I would do. My rocky side is out for you, that's for sure. it's good you asked your brother to step in. Beyond that, I would probably put a limit on things and just say, " I can only contribute 500, so I really do think my mom should make the cookies. Let's also do X, Y, and Z to keep costs down, etc."

I probably would have did exactly what you did. Now, though, it's time to pick up the phone and tell them what YOU think should happen. if they don't listen, then I'd pull out and say, "I really had hoped to be a part of planning this shower, but since I am not a part of it, I will happily just be a guest. I look forward to my invitation."

I completely understand..she sounds like a flake. If I were you, I would send out save the date notes,to your guests..so that when the invites are finally mailed.. At least your side has a heads up..

I would go ahead with moms cookies to be there on a tray.. If you want to package it do it...you are a co hostess so you can do what you want and just have it there as an extra surprise..

Do not share your frustrations with your brother or anyone that is related to you from now on.. Just smile follow along and let them screw it up.. Speak up, offer, but do not take it personally..this is the brides event... In their mind...

I would have given up way before you did - 6 trips for a dress? Crazy! My response about the shower would have been something like "I can contribute X dollars toward the shower. I'm happy to send you a check and let you do the planning. Just tell me where & when & I'll be there with bells on". End of story.

Well, you have every right to be irritated. But the truth is, you are caving. You are letting her walk all over you. You need to start saying "No.". I can understand compromising a bit on the dresses. Although I doubt I would have made six trips to the store. I'd let her pick her dress and then found one in a matching color, but I hate shopping.

When she says she is going with a diamond theme and wants jewelry cleaner instead, I would have said something. "My mom wants to be a part of this. She can make cookies to match any theme. This is what I would like to do and I can afford. The flowers are out of my budget."

AS a side note, I would personally never use jewelry cleaner and would see this as a silly favor and waste of money.

And I thought most showers were organized for the bride, but with her in mind. Where does the bride stand on all this? And how on earth is she ok with you spending almost 2 grand on a party for her?

Time to speak up and let your feelings known. The last text was a step in the right direction, but it was a bit passive aggressive. Spell it out for her...kindly.

85 people at a shower and an expense of 3000-3600 dollars? I don't get that. Aren't showers supposed to be smaller, more intimate affairs for just family and close friends? Who's the shower for, the bride/groom or her family? I also think you need to have a heartfelt sit down with your future SIL. Ask HER what she really wants because the joint planning isn't working. I would be fine backing down if her family's way is so important to them. But if they are doing and controlling it all, they should be paying for it all.

Where is the bride during all this planning? She should be the main person planning most of the things, and should be the sounding board for choices for the shower. You need to ask her to help make decisions about the shower, or you will continue being steamrolled by her twin.

From what I have seen with my own sister's wedding, bridesmaids can get competitive with thinking they are always right. My cousin and my sister's husband's cousin were fighting all throughout my sister's wedding day because they both thought their ideas were the best for everything (even though I was the MOH and know my sister's mind). It was ridiculous. Luckily my sister stepped up and told them both to stop it or they wouldn't be coming to the reception.

1500-1800 for just your share for a SHOWER? Is she giving away diamonds?

I'd be to the point where I'd talk to your brother and his fiance, and tell them that you just can't swing that and how you tried to work with her sister, but you're met with a brick wall. I think I'd propose offering to let her take care of the shower, and you take care of things for the wedding/reception (up to a certain amount that you're ok with). That way she can plan her part, and you can plan yours.

This is all a little shocking considering that you don't mention that the bride has her own opinions, wants or wishes. Why is her sister making all those decisions? Is she not married? She is crazy.

Good luck, you need it!

I suggest that you need to back off. As a bridesmaid you should not be the one making decisions about the wedding. This is the responsibility of the bride and her bridesmaid. If the bride doesn't want you to wear navy then you don't wear navy.

It sounds to me that you're taking over when you should just be along for the ride. You do have responsibility for the shower but that's all. And.....the shower is for the bride. You do what the bride wants to do.

Also know that since the bride and bridesmaid are twins they have been close and making decisions together all their life. You are an outsider and I suggest that much of your difficulty is related to that feeling.

Back off. When they ask for your opinion give it but don't expect that they will always agree. This is the brides's party. She has the final say. You are not part of the planning, except for the shower.

As for paying for the dress. That is what many bridesmaids do. You should not be paying for anything else related to the wedding. If the bride and her family cannot afford what they're planning then they need to change their plans.

The same for the shower. You contribute what amount you can afford, knowing that the bridesmaid is going to do what the bride wants done. If you paying $1800 means for you that you want more control, then withdraw the money. Realistically you cannot expect to have more control. This is about the bride and her family. It's good that you're willing to help pay the cost. It's not working for you to expect so much control.

Ideally, you would have more say. But, that is not happening here.

I suggest that $3-4000 is outrageously too much for a shower. Or are you also contributing to the wedding? If so, since you expect to be more involved in the planning take back your money. Or adjust your expectations to the reality of the situation.

A wedding is all about what the bride wants. She is in control. Either accept that, being willing to go along when the bride and her mother feel it's important to do certain things or say, up front, that unless you have more control you feel that you're unable to spend that amount of money.

There is nothing wrong with the way you feel. I, too, would want to have more say in the shower. But that isn't happening. You cannot change them. You do not want to have hard feelings in the family over this. I would, as gracefully as possible, withdraw from the planning and probably reduce the amount I was willing to contribute.

I'm having a similar situation with a friend, not about a wedding but about helping her with health issues. She is having senility issues and wants to tell me how to help her even when the help would be detrimental. After months of anquish, I told her what I could do and have stopped trying to help her understand what she needs. What a relief.

It has taken a great deal of diplomacy to do this and still maintain our friendship. What has helped me is to have a professional person help me plan the wording and give me emotional support. I had to stop expecting my friend to be reasonable and logical. I have to focus on me and my needs first and then think about her needs. I have had to accept that she doesn't think the way I do and will not understand my viewpoint. Then I had to stop trying to convince her I was right.

I said, "you're right. You are in control of your health and how you accept treatment. I don't agree that you're doing what is best for you. I see you forgetting what the doctor tells you and want to help. You're not accepting my help and so this is what I'm able to do and still maintain my sense of well being."

Perhaps you can use that as a model for how to talk with the twin sister.
Remember the only place that you share responsibility is with the shower. The bride decides what dresses the bridesmaids wear and everything else about the wedding.

I also suggest that you find a way to be assertive. The way you've written this makes it sound that you've been handling this in a passive agressive manner. When you don't agree and are not willing to compromise be upfront and direct and say, no. You might be able to salvage this by first making a list of what you are willing to do and not do and hand the list to the sister. Know in your mind what you're willing to pay for. Be willing to discuss things but say no when you know you're not willing to compromise.

I suggest that the sister is saying out front what she wants and your'e feeling pushed and manipulated. Stand firm in a kind way without having to get angry. Know what you want and stop thinking that you have to cave or be angry.

See what happens after your brother has his discussion.
If it still is a nightmare, then write your brother a check - your wedding present to him - with one word in the comments area - ELOPE!
The walk away and have nothing more to do with it.

This sounds like the same senerio I went through for my BIL's wedding. Except the tension was between me and the best friend. She was getting married at the same time, 2 months later.

EVERY suggestion I or my MIL had was met with disdain. As for paying half of a shower that you aren't planning, oh my goodness $1500?!? 85 ladies? Really? are you kidding? Every shower I have planned has been at the most $500, with a max attendance of 20 ladies. 85 ladies is NOT a wedding shower, its a sorority gathering.

As per another post, guests to the shower should also be guests to the wedding, so is the wedding going to be 200+ people invited?

As for the dress change, the twin-of-horor probably felt that she liked your dress for herself and decided that if she couldn't wear it, you shouldn't either.

As for the shower going forward. I would contact the Mom and twin-of-horor and tell them that you are backing out of the planning, since you said you would help pay, here is $200 towards the planning. Be done. Just find out when/where to show up.

As for your mom making cookies for the shower. ABSOLUTELY!!!! I would make them, plus mini brownie cups. mini chocolate chip cookies, mini sugar cookies, mini snickerdoodles, etc. Maybe even some little petit-fours in navy and cream? A shower of that size can NEVER have too many appetizers, goodies, etc. Don't ask, just show up with them. Have some wrapped up to go, some on platters. Make everything mini so that they are more manageable. Be sure to display them on some nice silver or glass serving plates.

As for planning my wedding, the only part that my inlaws to be had in the planning the rehearsal dinner and tux rental. Otherwise, they were not asked for input.

I'm not a wedding person, so all this sound INSANE to me, but here is some outside perspective.

At the very end I see you already "handled it" by telling your brother. But BEWARE. It's probably not handled, because what's he going to do? Make waves at a time like this? Tell his young wife that HIS sister and mom are as important as hers-or HIS wishes are as important as hers when she's probably rendered insane by wedding hormones? Weddings are sort of bent to brides unfortunately. So unless he wants an unhappy marriage, he can't really press this, and you shouldn't want him to be involved in my honest opinion with all this friction and nonsense going on. Seems like most often for these events, the saints just have to put up their martyr shields and the catty bitoches get to rule the day. I would call him up and say, "Dear brother, I cannot believe I tried to put this on you, please don't trouble yourself at all, whatever I can do to make this all smooth for everyone I will, it's not about me at all, I just want you guys to have a great time, I can handle this, please forget I said it." BOOM. Instant hero. Let her be the bad guy.

You really have TWO choices if this ends up back in your court if your brother drops the ball.

1) Go with the flow, call it a loss and let them have their way on stuff with grace. Try not to take it so personally. Make beautiful trays of cookies and set them around whenever the hell you want-who will really enforce her rules? The guests will be munching gratefully. That can be your ONE DIG for being good enough to cough up half the dough.

or

2) Bridezilla up yourself. You have consented to this treatment by going along with her this far. She's acting like the boss, and you're treating her like the boss, but technically she's your equal financial partner, not the boss. You can wear whatever damn dress you want. She cannot FORCE you ...well too late now, but you could have said, "I called the boutique back and kept my dress, sorry. I'm wearing it." And refused to budge. You can do that for other things too. It may SEEM like she'll cause the apocalypse if you don't bend to her will, but really she'll just have to deal with it. Will she hate you for not being her minion? If she's that kind of person, there's no pleasing her. You don't have to be mean or cross, just pleasantly don't let yourself be budged. "I changed my mind, we're still making the cookies as centerpieces. If there are two sets of centerpieces on each table, it's up to you if you want to spend that much extra money."

Or back to option one. Put up your white flag, hand her a blank check and delete her number and tell her you'll see her at the shower and you know she'll have it all worked out. Your main disadvantage when push comes to shove is that HER sibling is the BRIDE.

***ALSO, I was assuming it's bride's second wedding too? If it's bride's First wedding, then all bets are off. Go with option one and don't even try to do battle.

A little constructive criticism, first of all if you expect someone to fully understand you, some breaks in your writing is helpful. Second, I was married two years ago and didn't put this much thought into my own wedding.

Lastly, if your brother says he will handle it then he will handle it, so chill.
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Didn't use the correct punctuation because you were venting? What the heck does that mean? Does that mean every freaking question you have asked is a vent because apparently everything you have ever asked here is one giant paragraph!

Sorry, not buying it, so far as I can tell you are so full of yourself that you don't give a leap about how you come off to others. Maybe that is why you keep having problems with other people.

I totally understand your frustration, but I think it was inappropriate for you to tell your brother. I planned and paid for a bridle shower that others said they would help with and contribute to the cost--all kinds of drama!!! BUT I never said a word to the bride or groom because they shouldn't have to be concerned with that. When the bride walks into her shower, she shouldn't have in the back of her mind all the drama that went into it. If you need to vent, that's what your husband or mom are for.

The shower is for the maid of honor to decide. I like the suggestions that you reduce your cost. Then you could host the rehearsal dinner. That is the time to implement his family's traditions. Bring the cookies for that.