Trying to Cope

Updated on September 07, 2008
A.O. asks from Lubbock, TX
24 answers

Has anyone dealt with a husband struggling with a sexual addiction? My 13 year marriage is ending because of this and I am trying to understand things. He is such a great person but he hasn't been able to get this under control. I am just trying to make sense of the whole thing and be supportive to him as he seeks treatment options.

Any advice is appreciated.

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So What Happened?

Thanks for all of the great advice, I have found eveyone's messages to be such an encouragement. The good news is that my husband left today to begin an inpatient treatment program, it is one of the hardest things I have seen him do but it is his only hope. I am unsure of our future but taking things one day at a time for both me and our daughter.

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J.H.

answers from Amarillo on

Counciling with a thearapest, I've heard helps, and maybe AA. An addiction is an addiction, and I've heard that gambling, drug etc. people go to AA.

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B.W.

answers from Dallas on

There is a 12 step program-Sex Addicts Anonymous (SA)-that is free. Look for the closest group meeting.

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L.M.

answers from Dallas on

A., he needs professional help. There is a counselor in Frisco named Bob Goode and he specializes in this. I don't have his # but I'm sure you can find it. He's helped several families in our church. Also, have you checked out the Focus on the Family website? I think it's www.family.com.....you'll find it if you just google them. This addiction has become so rampant in America, unfortunately. There is lots of information on that website on how to deal with it. But, I agree with the other moms, pray, get a support group of women to help you and pray for you and get professional help! May God guide you through this tragic situation.

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E.G.

answers from Dallas on

A. I am sorry you are dealing with this issue in your marriage. This has been a problem in our marriage for 9 years. We have been through it all including an affair. Please email me if you would like support. I will give you recommendations on counseling options that work. We have spent lots of $$ on things that worked and didn't work.
It is a long haul and the important thing is to get help for yourself. Find someone you can process with - I have a wonderful counselor that has really helped me work through issues and help me own my part and leave what is not mine alone.
[email protected]____.com - would love to chat with you or anyone else.

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C.W.

answers from Dallas on

This is something we've had problems with in our marriage. It was difficult, however I prayed about it. We worked on the problem together as a couple. We got counseling and it has gotten much better. Have your tried talking to your minister or a professional counselor? It is an an addicition like drugs or alcohol and he needs to get help. Is he willing to get help? Does he realize he has a problem and how it is affecting his family?

Our lives are challenging and difficult, however this is a rough time you all are going thru. However, I would give your marriage another chance for your husband to get help. Are you getting counseling? That would be great for you to get counseling also. If we can do it and other couples can do it, you all can work it out with professional help.

I'll keep you A. and your family in my prayers for healing in your marriage. There are a lot of great books, the Rosberg's have some great ones that I would recommend. They are America's Family Coaches- Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg. Check out www.drgaryandbarb.com Your marriage is worth saving even though you are going thru a lot right now. Take care and let us know how you are doing. Feel free to email me or if you want my phone number and would like to talk, I'll be glad to listen. Take care and God Bless, C.

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M.H.

answers from Dallas on

The Village Church in Highland Village and they have a campus in Denton has a Celebrate Recovery program which can be life changing. I believe Tuesday nights in Denton and Thursday nights in Highland Village. Both you and your husband could benifit from the program. If you need more information, let me know. Marriages have been saved as well as lives.

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T.D.

answers from Dallas on

I have dealt with the same issues with my husband. Our marriage almost ended twice because of it. This is not your fault, I know it's hard not to think that way, but it's not.
My husband and I are both going through a program at our church called Celebrate Recovery, it deals with a multitude of issues and this is one of the many, many, many. It is very laid back and not like a typical AA session or anything like that. I didn't want to go at first because I didn't think I needed to go, but it is an amazing program and I have benefited so much from it, and so has my husband! We are doing better than ever now. Celebrate Recovery is at Fellowship Forney on Monday nights starting at 6:30. The website to the church is www.fellowshipforney.org and you can get more information there also.
If you want more information or you just need someone to talk to, my e-mail is [email protected]____.com free to e-mail me at any time!

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C.W.

answers from Dallas on

Hi A..
I'm very sorry for what you are going through and the struggle
your husband is having regarding sexual addiction. It is
admirable that you are still reaching out to him. I believe
God will bless you for this.
I believe there is a support group, called "Band of Brothers" that
meets at Richland Hills Church of Christ. I'm pretty sure this group of "Ironmen" is open to any man in the community dealing with sexual
addictions. This church reaches out to the community with some really great support groups including grief recovery, The Hannah group for women dealing with miscarriage &/or infertility, and other very
helpful groups. You may contact the Pastoral Care Office
at Richland Hills Church of Christ ###-###-####)for further
info. Their website is: www.RHChurch.org
If you google "Ironmen, support group for men dealing with
sexual addiction" you will find some other helpful info.
I'll be praying for you & your family
Sincerely,
C.

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E.C.

answers from Dallas on

Hi A.. I'm sorry for your pain. I've been there myself. I spent ten years with a man who loved me as much as he was able to but could not stop himself from having sex with other people. Mostly women but also men too. I didn't find out about the men until the last year we were together. We did counseling and all of that but it didn't really help much. He had an alcohol addiction and often used drugs as well. He couldn't stop. What it really came down to was his low self-esteem. He had to keep proving to himself that he was desirable to others. Then of course there was the physical gratification as well. The drugs and alcohol were used to mask all of the pain he kept locked inside himself. I have no doubt that he loved me and that he didn't want to lose me, but I just couldn't live like that. This was back in the 80s and early 90s so AIDS was a huge concern for me. I finally left him because all of his addictions were only getting worse and more frequent. I moved on and eventually married a wonderful man who is as monogamous as I am. We've been married for almost 14 years now. It's not easy to leave a troubled marriage or relationship, but you deserve someone who is loyal and faithful. They are out there. Just remember that you did not cause his problem and you can not fix it. You can love him and stay close if you choose to. But the bottom line is that you need a partner with the same values and goals that you have.
Best Wishes,
E.

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H.C.

answers from Dallas on

I am not sure what your beliefs are. I would say try to stick it out unless it puts your teen in trouble...there are some great support groups. Celebrate Recovery is AWESOME, Life Changing. I know of two meetings..one in Azle Tx at Real Family Fellowship on Pearson Lane and the other is at Hope church off of Hwy 30 at Beach Street. Hope this helps. God Bless.

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V.H.

answers from Dallas on

I have had a couple of friends dealing with this, and their marriages ended as well. One said he went to a 6 week thing in New Mexico. Before he went he had no shame and therefore could not even begin a road to recovery. But after it, he could at least admit what he was doing and could see how badly it hurt himself and every one else he loves. Which is a beginning. The road is long I think. I don't remember the name, but if you want to contact me I can get it. It is very expensive, like lifestyles of the rich and famous expensive but it is one option if you have the resources.

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B.H.

answers from Dallas on

First, I am very sorry for you and your family and I want you to know that you are not alone in this.

I know of several 12 Step Programs in the DFW area that have proven to be very helpful to both husbands and wives in your circumstance.

Here are two confidential contact numbers to find out more about the various programs for Addicts and their spouses.

Sexaholics Anonymous ###-###-####

The Center for Spiritual Development is in Dallas and it hosts many 12 Step Meetings for Sex Addiction and for Spouses of Sex Addicts - Bob Dicken is the Director and can be reached at ###-###-#### or his e-mail address [email protected]____.com can confidentially answers any questions that you may have.

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M.S.

answers from Dallas on

A. - my heart goes out to you and I'm praying for you! What a tough situation and all the more with a pre-teen child in the midst.

I highly recommed Celebrate Recovery and I would trust the Village church's program of it - I'm sure there is one close to wherever you live!

My parents went through this situation for years and God amazigly turned it around. I urged my mom to leave but she hung in there and God did a miracle... their marriage today is the envy of all their friends and family (all by the grace of God!).

However this turns out, I would urge you to check out Celebrate Recovery and I do believe you'll be shocked how much it changes your life and gives you support!

God bless you!!

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C.C.

answers from Dallas on

Lake Point church in Rockwall has a 12 step program for all kinds of addictions and that is their biggest group. I think they even have a support group for the wives of. I know this becuse my marraige counsoler helps run the stuff, and my husband and and I have had some problems with it too (with been marrie three years, with a three and two year old). It is one of, if not the biggest problem/sin in our world. And not just for men. I saw someone else suggest Recorvery for life (I think) good program. I lot of churches will have stuff, you just have to get past the pride and not be ashamed to admit there is a problem or what the problem is. May God Bless You!

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C.S.

answers from Amarillo on

Hi A.. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and he is lucky to have you trying to be supportive. It is not easy. I can't empathize with you about this, but I can say that as long as he is being honest with you and is willing to get help, that is the first step. Don't let this beat you. Just get the professional help you need---even if it is a counselor you go to on your own while he is getting the help he needs. Good Luck and God Bless!! C.

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J.D.

answers from Dallas on

Its BIGGER than you
let go and let God
GET AWAY from him

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T.M.

answers from Dallas on

I am sorry that you are going through this. You and your family are in my prayers. The best advice that I can give you is pray and get into the word. You might need to go to Christian counseling as well. This will help you. I pray that he can overcome it (I know he can with God's help) and that your marriage can be saved. I pray that god will help yall work through this and renew both of you. If you are not a member of a church Covenant Church in McKinney (they also have a campus in Carrollton, Cross Roads, and Sherman) is WONDERFUL! Good luck and please let me know if you need to pray or talk.

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J.M.

answers from Dallas on

I am dealing with the same problem. We have been together 9 years. I have to be honest and say its very hard for me talk about in a forum. But you are kindly invited to email me at [email protected]____.com

This has been our hardest hump to get over.

Jen

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S.M.

answers from Dallas on

A., in addition to therapy which is a must if he is to overcome this addiction, there are also 12 step programs which will provide additional support. Please, please remember that his addiction has absolutely NOTHING to do with you in any way. Mark Felber is an excellent therapist and I recommend him highly. He is in Richardson and his phone number is ###-###-####. He also has a website which has lots of information: www.marriagecpr.com. If your husband doesn't want to see him he could really help you get through this without being devastated. Best of luck to you, A.!

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A.M.

answers from Dallas on

A.,

My husband teaches a class on Bible-based spiritual warfare where we deal with exactly these kinds of issues. We help people recognize what causes addictions and other negative patterns of behavior and how to get freedom from those. I know that your husband is now getting in-patient therapy but I think you will find the class beneficial in helping you understand what is going on and it will aid you in setting personal boundaries. The next series begins Sept. 21 and goes eight weeks. It will be held in room 201 at Fellowship Bible Church, Dallas from 6-8 p.m. Sunday nights. It is very informal and free-of-charge. Feel free to email me with questions.

A. Martin

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J.B.

answers from Dallas on

I am so sorry to hear about your problem. About three years ago we went to a church in Plano, Grace Community Church off of Hedgecoxe, and they had a support group for men struggling with sexual addictions. We have moved away from Plano so we do not go to church there anymore so I do not know if they have it anymore; but you could check. Also, on 100.7 FM at 1:00 pm there is a Christian counseling show, New Life, and they have a book called Every Man's Battle. I know you could find it at a Christian bookstore. This book deals to some extent with sexual addiction. Two of the counselors on the show are Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend who wrote the popular book Boundaries. The New Life show has weekend seminars throughout the country and one of the themes for their seminars is Sexual Addiction. It sounds that those retreats not only help the man but the wife too. I hope everything works out for you and your husband.

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P.M.

answers from Dallas on

I want to begin by saying what so many others have said...THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! And because of that, nothing you can or would do will help him overcome...unless he decides he wants to let go of this issue!
Like many others, I don't have time here to tell you my story but I will shrink it down to this; we have been married 19 yrs (Dec '88) and I found out about his issue after having my tubes tied with our second child (Aug '94). There have been many ups and downs...more ups, though, and our marriage is now strong and growing healthier by the moment! We did a year in SA meetings, a couple of Celebrate Recovery books, but what has kept us together is truly the grace of GOD!

I am also available to anyone that would like to talk. You can e-mail me at [email protected]____.com...I check it most often. For some time now, I have been considering opening a blog on MySpace for ladies to share openly how they are doing with their husbands issues...would any of you be interested?

You are in my prayers today, A..

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H.K.

answers from Dallas on

I'm so sorry! I have not dealt with this personally. Have you tried googling "Spouses of sexual addicts support group"? There has to be something/someone out there who can help you. I can do a little research if you'd like. Just let me know. Good luck and God Bless!

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K.K.

answers from Dallas on

All I can tell you is that at least he has acknowledged the problem and is trying to get help. My ex would admit the problem and lied and hide things. That plus other things eventually corroded the marriage.
If I were you I would find a christian counselor (if you are christian) or at least a good one to help you handle your emotions and see if he/she can offer good advice for you in being a supportive spouse. I've been there and it stinks.

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