Just to give you a brief background of our relationship. We have been together for 5 years. I moved from OH 4 years ago, after he asked me to come live with him. I had a 4 yr old boy, now 10, from a previous marriage that obviously moved with me :) Since then, we had a little girl who is now 3. My boyfriend asked me to be a stay at home mom so we could provide the kids with the best life possible. We moved into a familt neighborhood and my kids have tons of kids to play with and couldn't be happier here. I did work until we had our daughter and have stayed at home since then. So, I gave up my career, moved myself and son hours away from our family, changed my entire life and the only thing he had to change was the amount of people living in his house. My boyfriend does own his own business and makes a very good living for us. We have a beautiful 5000 sq ft house and nice vehicles, but that is not that important to me. I feel that after being together for 5 yrs that we should at least be engaged by now. I want to set a good example for my children and I feel that this is not a priority to him. He is so wrapped up in work and would rather concentrate on making money. Every time I mention getting engaged he is open to the idea and tells me he wants to get married, and has told me for months that he has had a ring for almost a year, but he is changing it and wants to get me a better ring. This has been going on for so long that I am even wondering if he has one. There is always a different excuse as to why we are not married. Lately it has been that we do not have sex enough. Then he says he does not have the money to get the ring he wants, then it is back to the sex... I feel like all he wants is the sex and me to be around, but he does not want to commit and get married. I am to the point where sex repulses me because I feel like that is all he wants. Just yesterday, I asked him for money to go get a pedicure, since I have not had one all summer, and his answer is "Well, if you follow me upstairs for a few minutes" meaning if I go upstairs and have sex with him he'll give it to me. I told him I am not a prostitute and walked away. It seems like everything is about money and sex to him. He thinks that since I am a stay at home mom and I do not have to physically go to work, that I will automatically be happy. He never helps with anything around the house. He misses a lot of family functions because he says he either has to work or golf. Every time we talk about getting married he always brings up that I can have half of his money if we get divorced from the time we get married. He is talking about the divorce before we even get married!!
He also tells me that I do not give him enough attention and I give the kids too much of my time. I told him that at least I know my kids will always be in my life and that I am not too sure about us since we are not moving forward after 5 years. I try to give them equal amounts of my time, but it is hard with two kids, taking my son to sports, helping him with his homework, getting my daughter bathed, stories read, and in bed, cleaning the kitchen up after dinner, letting the kids play outside until dusk, and taking the dog for his nightly walk. I have no help with anything and the fact that I usually don't even get to sit down and unwind until at least 10pm, the last thing I want to do is go upstairs and have sex. I need some time to myself and I never get it.I always ask him to help with something and he always replies with "I have to work a little, but I'll help you when I am done".He just got home from work an hour ago and he has to sit on his laptop and work more!?!? I also asked to get someone to help me clean the house since he will not help me at all and he said yes, but I have to pay them. Our budget only allows for the bare minimum and I barely have enough to cover household supplies each month, so a maid is certainly not allowed with our budget. I had to start my own Ebay business just to get enough money to buy the kids needed clothes and to have a little extra money. And, the sad thing is he makes more money then he knows what to do with. I help with his accounting since I have my bachelor's, so I see what his business is making!!! He does give me a paycheck from his company, but that is the budget money. It's not money that I have for myself. It is the money that I have to use for house/cleaning supplies and food. I try to talk to him about the budget, but he thinks that what he gives me is plenty. He never does the shopping, so he has no clue how much things cost. I bring him receipts home to show him how expensive things are and to show him I am not purchasing unnecessary items, but he still thinks the amount he gives me is plenty.
I do not think that he is cheating on me. That thought has never crossed my mind. He comes from a good family and I know that he loves his daughter and my son very much. I really do not think that he would want this family to break up, but we have talked about it so much and still nothing has progressed. It has crossed my mind to tell him I am moving if we are not engaged by the end of this year, but truly I have no where to go and I really do not want to leave and have to move my children. But, I also don't want to feel like I have to force him to get engaged. I want him to want to get engaged and married. We have went to therapy before just to talk and that didn't seem to do much good either. It seemed to work the day of the meetings, but then eventually still nothing would happen
I have been thinking for a while as to what I should do. The problem is I have two kids to think and worry about. I want what is best for them and I believe that me staying at home with them is the best thing, but I am so unhappy with my relationship with my boyfriend, that I am wondering if it is worth it. I am also scared of not being able to support two kids on my own. I was previously an accountant, before I stopped working, so I am intelligent and have a college degree. I am hopeful that I would be able to find a job, but am not sure what I would do with my kids while I am at work. My son is in sports and I would not be able to get him to practice on time if I had to work. My daughter is only 3 and has always stayed at home with me and I am afraid to leave her and put her in preschool. I did not plan to put her in preschool until she is 4 next year. I also know that if I moved out that I would most likely move back to OH where my friends and family are, so that would mean moving my son to a different school and he would have to quit his sports and start with another team. I am not sure how that would affect him or my daughter. They are so happy in this neighborhood and have more friends than they know what to do with :) I really think this would effect my son greatly, having to leave all of his friends that he has had for years. He is doing so well in school and at soccer. He was ranked the #1 goalie in his entire soccer league. He plays soccer all year round where we live now, and if we moved back to OH they only have soccer once a year. Soccer is a Huge part of my son's life. It gives him confidence and I don't want to take that away from him. There are just so many things to think about and I feel like my mind is spinning out of control!!
If anyone has went through a similar situation I would appreciate any advice. I know this is a long story, but it felt good just to get it out there for other people to see :)
So he has it made. Why buy the cow when the milk is free? He never intends to marry you. Many moms have made it work alone. Contact a lawyer who deals with family law and ask for a consultation. THey can tell you whether you have an legal rights or not. .
Gosh, such a hard thing to respond too. If it were me, I would leave. There are so many programs out there for single moms. Some state programs will put you through school & pay for daycare. Get on the internet and do some research. I hate to be blunt but he's not going to pop the question :( and do you really want to force his hard? you want a man that wants you!! and you deserve it! Stay strong, you can do this... make a plan
EYE OF THE TIGER!
Toni
I would submit him a bill for doing the accounting. I would also put your daughter in daycare and go back to work and save every penny!
It sounds like he is pretty controlling and financially abusive (yes, it is a real thing).
You have everything, and yet he doesn't give you the time and commitment that you seek. I can certainly understand why you are unhappy. I would suggest premarital counseling,. I would be upfront that you don't care about a ring, you just want that commitment, and that respect and a share of the income since you take care of the household duties and his child. Of course, you don't want commitment from a man that won't give it to you, or doesn't see you as worthy enough to have money to work with.
With counseling, you have to do the excercizes for a long time, and continue them, it is so much more than going to the meetings. Maybe you guys can read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue and sincerely work on that.
I am sure your older son can carpool to sports practice. One mom can pick him up and after work, you can take them home. Lots of parents carpool.
Honestly, I would leave, 5 years and a 3 year old child is long enough for a man to be committed and respectful to a woman. If he wants to work it out and get you back, then he can, but in the meantime, don't be his doormat.
You sound like an intelligent woman who can get it together and make things work, no matter what situation you face.
J.,
I'm sorry you're in this situation.
I'm "old fashioned" and believe that if he wants you to act like a wife, he can make you his wife.
Forget about the incidental things like practice pick-ups, financial problems, etc. and focus on whether you love this man.
If you don't...move out.
If you do, give him the option to get married this month or you're leaving.
Sorry--but he needs to poop or get off the pot.
If you leave--no more babies or living with a man until you're married!
I'm sure he has his good points, I just hope financial stability isn't the only O. and I must say, he sounds like an idiot. I'm wondering why you moved in with him in the first place?
Good luck!
***ADDED*** Another mom asks: Why do you feel the need to get married so badly? What difference will a piece of paper and a ring going to make? You already have a LO together. You already live under the same roof.
If this woman was married to this man, she could start divorce proceedings and be entitled to half of the profit for the sale of the house, allowing her to have a little power over what she does next. Too many women feel that living together GIVES them power, but it's clear, that this woman's power has been diminished completely and she's not even protected by a divorce decree.
J.,
You can bet your child’s father knows all your fears and disappointments about not being married. Stop living the FEAR of what IF’s!
My first suggestion is to let him know that if you are keeping the books for the family business, then you will need a weekly paycheck. If he says no, then you should go get a job on your own.
If you decide to leave and he makes the money you say he does, he will have to pay child support. The fact that you have been a stay at home parent, at his request, may have some bearing on the amount of child support granted. In other words, ask for what it will take to take care of yourself and your children if you weren’t working.
I would also suggest that you seek child support from your older child’s father if you don’t already have an order in place.
Honestly, your man sounds like a controlling sexist who has very little respect for you. The size of the ring story is pathetic. If he sincerely wanted to be married a simple gold band would do. He’s treating you like a “kept woman” who should have sex on demand if you expect any perks like a “pedicure” etc.
Do you have any friends you could stay with for a few weeks? If not, I would consider looking into a shelter situation for you and the kids. If he sees that you are serious about leaving, you will soon find out just how committed he is to the “whole” relationship. He shouldn’t get married just because you want to be married. Are you ready to face the truth if he doesn’t come after you on bended knee?
The holiday’s are just around the corner, I would make a decision now or be prepared to go through a “not so merry” season.
Blessings.......
This isn't a partnership, this is a parent-shild relationship, and you are the child. He makes the rules, he controls the money, and he isolated you from your support system. Whether he has a ring or not isn't the issue. He doesn't want to change the dynamic. Why should he? He's pretty much getting all he needs, and he's let you know that what you need isn't really that important because you've got it good already. Marriage will NOT make this better. You need to get this on equal footing through longer and more aggressive counseling, accept that this is as good as it will ever be, or get out, period. Those are your choices.
Does he give you any spending money? Do you have an account all your own or does he have it all in his name? Does he have access to everything?
If you get spending money, you need to start putting some of that away for the future. Since you aren't married, if you do seperate you can't ask for any allomony. Is his name at least on your daughter's birth certificate?
I'm not saying to leave him. The toddler years are very hard years. My advice is this.
1. Get yourself setup financially so that he isn't in complete control of things.
2. Get a credit card in your name. You don't have to use it often, just have it. If something does happen it will be harder to get one.
3. Try to enroll your daughter into a part-time pre-school. This will give you your needed down time, and let her make some friends at the same time.
4. If you are working on the books for him, then you should be on the payroll as an employee.
Hang in there.
M.
Let me see if I understood your post…you live with your boyfriend in a large house with nice cars, but you had to start your own Ebay business to make enough money to buy the kid’s clothes? Then you say you know he loves the kids so if he makes that much money why isn’t he buying the clothes for the kids? You ask for money for a pedicure but he will not give it to you unless you go upstairs and give him sex?
WOW!! I’m seriously dumbfounded here! I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Your whole post just makes me want to go over there and slap your boyfriend in the face!
I’m not exactly sure what advice to give you. On one hand, some of your complaints about your boyfriend are very similar to complaints I here from my married friends…he never helps out around the house, he never spends time with the kids, he wants sex all the time, he doesn’t appreciate how much I do, etc etc. However, the fact that he doesn’t buy the kids clothes despite the fact he makes tons of money makes me sick. Oh and not to mention the give me sex for money type of mentality.
If you leave him, get as much child support as you possibly can get out of him.
He sounds like a complete jerk who wants to control every aspect of you life! No one should have to live under those conditions. Not to mention the example this is setting for your kids on how a person who supposedly loves someone, should treat them.
Good luck in your decision!
I'm sending you peace.
.
I know that you can't go back in time and change anything, but I've got to point out what popped out at me. You should not be financially dependent on anyone unless you can legally benefit from that arrangement. Right now, he has all the money and material things, and you have none. If he were to put you out today, you would have nothing. Yes, marriage is supposed to be a spiritual connection, but the purpose of the legal part is so you can have a legal foot to stand on. If you are depending on his money, then you need to have some legal claim to it. I'm not against living together, but you should be making your own money if you're not married...which, of course, means that you were in no position to be a stay-at-home mother. Please do not bring any more children into this uncertain equation. It'll only make you feel more trapped.
Nancy B. is absolutely correct in that he has no reason to change anything. He likes it the way it is, and you have not demanded better/more from him. He has no reason to move you or your feelings up on his list of priorities because you have shown him that that only works one way--you change your life to suit him--and things are fine as they are. If he doesn't value or honor you now, marriage is the last thing that you should enter into. I found myself in love with a similar personality, but I got out when I realized that we were both both in love with him. He didn't want to compromise any part of his life for me. This doesn't make him a bad guy, just not the guy for me. I can promise you that if your boyfriend were with a woman he really wanted, he'd do whatever was necessary to keep her.
People do what they want to do. If he wanted to marry you, he'd ask you every day.
I would be most worried about the financial situation of the life you have right now. I think (but am not sure how it is here in the US), since you are not married, you don't have any legal right to his money. He doesn't give you enough money to cover basic household needs. That is not right. Also, since you are not working for pay right now, you don't do anything for your future. You don't pay money into your social security account (even though I think you do get some credit towards your SSA when you stay at home with the kids) and I assume you are also not putting anything away into a retirement account. Since the future with this man looks rocky at best, I would really start looking at those things.
I think the moment one partner gives up a job and a career to look after the children at home, that's when the finances should either be merged or another reasonable financial support plan for the person not having an income should be made. Also, I don't think you should have to ask him for money when you need a pedicure. Since you don't have a job, he should give you some money that you can spend whichever way you please.
I would talk to a financial adviser (or since you are an account you may be able to figure it out yourself) about your situation and how you can secure a reasonable retirement since you are not working for pay at this point. Then I would confront him about these financial issues and if he is not willing to solve them for you through marriage or in some other way, I would walk away from this arrangement.
PS: If you don't love him don't marry him. I don't think marriage will change any of the relationship problems you are having.
Something isn't kosher here. He makes lots of money, you live in a large home, cars etc, but he gives you a minimal budget and you have to sell things on Ebay to buy your kids clothes?? This is a very controlling behavior. And he has made you completly dependent on him because he lured you into being a SAHM, for the kids, but he didn't want you working and have financial freedom from him. And now if you want something you have to have sex with him? Unless there is love here, on either side, thank God you have an accounting background. Find a job and move out. Maybe you won't have the better things that he provided, and you don't really care about, but you will have peace of mind and you will be a great emotional and financial provider to your kids as a single mom. And I don't believe he bought the ring either, he's just stringing you along. I hope all goes well no matter what you decide.
You have a lot of decisions to make. First off counseling for you or ideally both of you should stronly be considered. The downside of being a stay-at-home mother is you loose you jobs skills which means your ability to make your own money is diminished. So first you need to decide how dependent you want to be. If you wish to continue being a stay-at-home mother then you need to figure out the financial piece here. I don't understand - you said you have a nice house and cars, but not enough for household supplies and clothes for the kids? Seems like only the portions he feels responsible for are financed. These issues are really about power in your relationship. I would discuss with him how much money you need to have control of and what types of things this will go to. You say you want to get married, but then you discuss all the problems the two of you have. How will marriage change any of that? I understand how not being married makes you feel undervalued, but what will marriage change? Will he give you more money? You will have a legal right to his money, but that doesn't mean you will have access to it.
I think counseling is going to be important for both of you. There are lots of single mothers out there, so it's possible to raise your kids alone. It might be best if you can work this out together. You said you want to set a good example for your kids. I am not sure what you meant. I think you need to think carefully about what that means to you and then decide how to proceed. For me, I never would have had kids before getting married. So it seems strange to me that you want to "set a good example". I don't know what you mean by that. Does your not working, does your boyfriend making all the financial decisions "set a good example"? You have a lot of thinking to do.
You might want to see if you can find a job in your field, even part time. Sounds like you haven't worked in 4 years. That's becoming a long time to not being in the workforce these days, especially with so many people out of work. You may have to stay with him for financial reasons, until you can get a job. Good luck to you. Think long and hard.
First of all... There's not enough communication between the two of you. There are issues that are his and there are issues that are yours. You must own up to your own issues before he realizes he has them too.
1. Men will never change.
2. Men are like children & they are very simple.
3. If a man has just eaten, he wants sex.
4. If a man has just had sex, he wants a sandwich.
5. If he has always been the same... Expect him to be that way forever.
What you need to do is ask yourself if you're happy with the way things are right this moment. Or happy enough to live like that. Nothing will change. Not without open communication. And if it's one person doing all the talking, nothing will get resolved either.
Why do you feel the need to get married so badly? What difference will a piece of paper and a ring going to make? You already have a LO together. You already live under the same roof.
Pick your battles. Is it really that big of a deal that you get a pedi? I get that you want some pampering, but it's not completely necessary at one specific moment. And sex... If you're repulsed by even the thought... You've already 'left the building' so to speak. Why do you want to get married to a man that you're sexually repulsed by? I don't always want to have sex when my husband is in the mood (which is always), but sometimes I still go for it. Most of the time, the feeling is mutual... Sometimes I'm just too friggen tired.
Try to figure out the good things about him too. Ask him to do the same about you. Other than his request for sex and not giving you money for pampering anytime you want... What's so bad about him being the financial support and you be the household support?
I work full-time and so does my husband. We work together in every way, every day... At work and at home. If I were a SAHM, I wouldn't think anything of him putzing around, doing what he wants to do. I've been a SAHM and a full-time working mom. I still have to do all the cooking, cleaning, and care of the kids... I've also been a single working mom... I've been in a crappy marriage and a great one. The 2nd marriage (my hubby now) wasn't necessarily expected to turn into a marriage. Neither of us really cared all that much about being married again (I'm his 2nd as well). But the timing was right. We had our son before we got married.
You have to ask yourself what you expect from him and you need to ask him straight out what he expects from you. In relationship and in life.
What do you think a marriage should be like?
Don't get me wrong... I think bribing for sex is rediculous, but he shouldn't have to either.
Nothing is going to change if you get married, even if he wanted to, which i dont believe he does. In fact I am willing to bet that if you do get married and down the road you couldnt take it and wanted to get a divorce, he wouldnt because it sounds like he has no intention of sharing "his" money. so then you would be stuck miserable. I suggest leaving him, as hard as it will be at first. At least for a while til he has a reality check. If you can't then you should go to work. I know it must be awful having to put your daughter in daycare ( i am also a stay at home mom and wouldnt want to) but you NEED to. You cant be dependent on a man who treats you and the finances like that. I once dated a guy who said he wouldnt want me to work but i would have to do what he said, although he claimed that he would never tell me to do something that was bad for me. i told him that was exactly the reason why i would work. needless to say that relationship went nowhere. Please don't get married for the sake of being married. It won't be any better, probably just worse.
