Too Much Fun?

Balance is hard to achieve.
Your extracurricular s are suppose to be fun - are you not seeing them as fun?
12, 14, 16, 18 - are all tough ages - but you gradually get more control and your parents over time get less.
I'd answer differently if you were a few years older but you don't have to run with the pack from party to party at this point.
In 4 or so short years you'll be off to college.
You'll be in charge of managing your work to fun ratio at that point.
You might want to make some time to have fun with your mom - you'll miss it when you're older.

I think you need to talk with your mom and find out why she disapproves.

I'm guessing there's more to it than you 'having too much fun'.

I have teens your age. Things suddenly seem to go nuts at this age with kids' social lives. It's kind of non stop. A friend and I were talking about this just the other day.

My kids are very active in school, sports and their friends - as well as activities such as volunteering.

The difference between our approaches is - she never says 'no'. My husband and I do.

Why? Because it's healthy to have boundaries. Kids (especially teens) need SOME limits.

Trust me - having been a teen - I remember my friends who had no limits or boundaries, and those who did. The kids with boundaries did better than those who were free to do whatever they wanted, any time, with their friends. Spending some time at home, with family - and even just having downtime - instead of always being free to do whatever they liked, at fourteen - is the way to go.

You need a healthy balance. I'm guessing that's where your mom is coming from. So long as you get to enjoy some of this stuff, I wouldn't worry about a 'lot' of it. You say your friends are scheduling a LOT. That's what young teens do. Your mom is just looking out for you.

As Doris mentions below, if it really is a problem, then talk to a school guidance counsellor. I know teens compare what their parents allow at this age. My son recently said So and So's parents let him go out every school night. That's nice. What does that have to do with us?

So long as you can enjoy time with your friends - and you keep up your responsibilities - then you're doing ok :) Your mom sounds really reasonable to me.

Well, you sound really involved in many things. Your grades are excellent – more than “decent.” Your activities cover a range of things: government, sports, the arts, intellectual pursuits etc. You also seem to have a good social group (parties) and some recreational activities (tennis) that are not part of organized clubs.

You’ve also shown that you are willing to listen to the opinions of others – reaching out to this site to get a variety of opinions and perspectives. I assume that same openness makes you a valuable member of the Student Council as well as some teams/groups where everyone has a role to play (different strokes and relays on the swim team, different approaches to scientific method and examination, different instruments/parts to make a cohesive whole in the orchestra, etc.).

So, with that in mind, and the general rule of life that there are 2 sides to every story, let’s assume that your mother has some valid reasons and isn’t just a raving, restrictive lunatic. It’s possible that she hasn’t expressed things well, but it’s also possible that you haven’t either. So communication and a respectful sit-down, with no eye-rolling and no immediate “But, but…” form you is in order.

Now, from your list, I have to say that you seem involved in many many things. What are your goals? Let’s say you want to go to college. What do you think they are looking for? It’s not a long list of a million activities, but a few things in which you can develop leadership ability and more than a superficial grasp of things. It’s fine to try a few things at 13 and 14, but soon you’ll want to show your ability to whittle that down and make some life choices. They will want students who can focus, juggle a work load, and develop a social life without being all over the place. You’ll be expected to have some in-depth experiences, with heavy course loads and living in a dorm with a bunch of people – they’ll want to know that you are good at negotiating and resisting things that don’t apply to you.

Does your social group include exemplary people? Are you choosing wisely and not just lured by the party crowd? Are you showing good judgment and choosing people of good values? Are you coming home on time? Are you letting Mom know where you are, or do you think that “fun” is open-ended to someone with good grades? Or are you rushing off to party after party with no regard for the mother who has to get your there? Are you blowing off family events like birthdays or holidays because someone you know wants to play tennis? Have you shown you can say “no” to things? Are you a cooperative family member or do you expect them to drop everything so you can engage in a zillion activities? Do you participate in family life? Do you do chores? For example, a 14 year old should be doing his own laundry, making his own lunches and breakfasts, cleaning his own room and bathroom. He should also be helping with some of the following: setting the table, loading the dishwasher, hauling in the groceries, taking out trash and recycling, scrubbing toilets, vacuuming/dusting the common areas of the house – without being nagged or reminded. And who is footing the bill for your activities, paying the fees, buying uniforms or paying instrument rental fees, keeping you clothed, paying your cell phone/internet bill and buying gifts for those birthday parties? Are there other siblings who are jumping through hoops and changing their schedules because you just have to get from Student Council to the tennis game before running home to grab dinner someone else made for you? You see where I’m going with this.

So, an intelligent and calm conversation with your mother about her values and her definition/concerns regarding “fun” and a willingness to see some your own shortcomings and areas for improvement might be in order. The more you can help your family, the more freedom you will have. As they saying goes, it’s not all about you.

Here’s your motivation: by age 16.5 or 17, you’re going to want a learner’s permit, driving lessons, and access to a car. You want to show you are a thoughtful, forward-thinking, responsible adult who deserves to have a 3000 pound death machine, because he’s focused and has excellent judgment, able to resist immediate gratification and be considerate of other drivers. The more you do now, the better regarded you will be in the years to come.

You sound like you have a lot going for you, so all you need to do is listen more and refine some of your decisions.

i have a 14 year old son and you sound very busy. Almost overscheduled.

You need to have "fun" in your life. You really should talk with your counselor at school and then ask to bring your mom in to talk as well so she knows what is considered normal and okay for a child your age.

Your mom loves you and wants the best for you. You need to listen to her and ask her why she feels this is too much "fun" and what she feels is acceptable to do as "fun". Maybe it's the people and the places you want to hang out with.

G. - welcome to mamapedia...

It's not about having too much fun - it's about WHO you are hanging with and WHAT you are doing.

My "son" (helped raise him but not his bio mom) is truly gifted - sports and academically. He spent his first two years of high school on a full ride scholarship to an exclusive, private school.....unfortunately, he messed up and was caught drinking when he was supposed to be at a school dance. He lost his ride.

You need to communicate with your mom - be open and honest about WHERE you are going and WHO you are going to be with. You need to find out what her issues are - is it lack of trust with you, the people you are hanging with or where you are supposed to be going???

If you don't feel you can talk to your mom and get effective communication? Go to your school counselor and chat with him/her and then ask if your mom can come in for a meeting.

You need to learn to LISTEN to your mom and HEAR her - not just fight when you hear "no". I don't think this is about having 'too much fun' - I think there's more going on and we only have part of the story.

You do need to have fun and friends in your life. We all do. It's a matter of balance, respect and trust

G., I don't know, but I'd be thrilled if I had a 14-year-old that had such excellent grades, was involved in so many activities despite the fact homework can be so time-consuming, yet still had the motivation to excel in school as well. I would also be thrilled if he has friends (at that age, friendships are hard to come by) and engaging in normal, healthy stuff like playing sports and going to parties, versus dabbling in drugs, teen sex, sexting selfies, or other nonsense kids that age start to get into. I would be worried about you having too much fun if your sleep habits or grades were suffering as a result, but if you're coming home at a decent time, still keeping up with schoolwork, and going to bed at a decent time, what exactly is the issue? Like others have suggested, the only way to find out WHY your mother has a problem with it is asking her. Good luck.

Go talk to your guidance counselor about this. Then make an appointment for you and your mother to go to the guidance counselor together. Your counselor can talk about this issue with your mother and try to help her see that it is okay to mix fun and studies.

I am sorry but we are not your parents. Based off the little bit of information you give it could seem like your parents are being overly protective, but we don't know where you live, who you hang out with, etc so we simply can not say if your parent is being unreasonable or not. In the end it doesn't even matter what we think because they are your parent, not us. If you truly think they are being unfair I would suggest doing what I tell my 14 year old son to do, talk to me calmly and rationally with your complaint and the reason why you feel it is unfair. He knows it does not mean I will for sure change my mind, but I will consider his points before making any decision and if his argument is well thought out and makes since chances are we will find some kind of compromise that works better for us both. Best of luck.

your extracurriculars are great. good for you!

fun is also great. being 14 is a magical time of life, and you should be having fun.

are you?

i hope your mom is giving you some sort of input beyond 'fun bad.' what underlies her disapproval of fun activities? are they taking place with kids of whom she disapproves? are you neglecting chores around the house? ditching 'fun' things with family?

is she just a grump?

taken at its surface the easy answer to your question is no, playing sports and going to birthday parties and other fun activities are not harmful.

but i'd like to know more about your mom's motivations.
khairete
S.

You are a really busy teen and doing a great job of balancing school and your other activities. I hope my kids do as well when they are your age. I can think of 2 reasons why she might be limiting your other activities.
1) I wonder if she misses you. That's not to say that her feelings should always get precedence over yours, but if you talk with her, maybe you can find a middle ground. One friend I know has breakfast with her teen every Sunday morning so they can talk about life (no electronics allowed). It helps them stay close when they are both so busy all the rest of the time.
2) Are you helping around the house and doing the chores that you are supposed to do? Does she have to remind you to do your homework and study every night? If not, the solution is easy. Make sure you are carrying your part of the load of keeping the house running, do what needs to be done without being constantly reminded, and it might open the door to doing more of the fun stuff.

I don't know your mom, so maybe she has other reasons. If you talk with her, you might find out what they are.

Everything you describe that you are doing is for yourself. Your mother might think that you are being selfish!

Do you do chores around the house? How often does your mother go to parties and play tennis...or is she busy doing your laundry? Do you help your mother and your relatives? Do you spend time with family?

Actually, I think it's pretty great that you are willing to get input from other adults about anything (as long as you are willing to listen to all the responses, not just the ones that say what you want to hear).
As a parent of an almost-16 year old, I think your schedule sounds pretty overwhelming. Our kid participates in ROTC, the Cross-Country/Track teams, Civil Air Patrol outside of school, and he gets A's in top-level courses. I think he's stretched thin and he has half your list of activities. I'm not sure how you are managing to juggle all these things, much less enjoy them. If I were your parent, I would be wondering how you could have time to do these extra social activities--and I would want you to reduce your organized activities so you have more time for the very important socializing with your friends as well as learning to contribute to the daily functioning of the household. The informal socializing is a REALLY important part of high school, and it seems to be getting short-changed with your current commitments. You also need to learn to cook and do the cleaning-laundry-etc which make a household liveable.

However, I'm not your parent or you, so my opinion about your schedule ultimately is much less important than what your parents and you think. I do suggest you consider whether you have the time and energy to really enjoy your life. Also, you need to talk to your mother about her concerns, so you can understand her point of view better. Perhaps the two of you together can create a balanced schedule for you with space for academics, the organized extracurriculars which you find most rewarding, contributing to your household, and socializing with friends (and your loving family, whom you won't see so much in a short 4 years).