Too Much Affection

Updated on September 01, 2010
L.M. asks from San Antonio, TX
27 answers

My husband has always been an affectionate person. He kisses both my four year old son and two year old daughter on the lips and cheeks several times a day. On our fifth anniverary my husband bought me some candy and I gave some to my two year old daughter she had some on the top part of her mouth (her upper lip) and my husband said let me take that chocolate off and proceeded to take it off with his mouth while making loud eating sounds. I was right in front of him and did not know how to take this. I am hypervigilant when it comes to the safety of my children. Have you experienced this type of behavior?

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So What Happened?

I ended up talking to my husband, and he was very upset that I would take this incident the wrong way. I explained that to me it seemed like it was a little too much, and said that he just loves his kids and was being playful. Thank you all for your advise and input. It was all very helpful.

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S.R.

answers from McAllen on

I agree with Jennifer, my husband often complaints that im "addicted" to kisses, but what mom isnt?, really.
Everyone in my family kisses their children in the lips, I do and my MIL and SIL totally hate it!!! (or are grossed out by it) I "eat" my 3yo anytime he'll let me and he likes the eating noises, so I wouldnt worry about it, unless you had any other concern besides this one, but I think not, since you say he is just very affectionate. Good Luck and kiss away!!!

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M.T.

answers from San Antonio on

You are the mother and if you don't like what he is doing simply let him know. Be prepared to answer any questions he might have. Try not to sound irritated when you talk to him. Affection is good but you both have to agree on the way it is given.

B.K.

answers from Chicago on

I don't kiss my 3 yr. old son on the the lips because I don't want to pass any germs unto him. I usually kiss him on the cheek or the forehead.

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V.W.

answers from Minneapolis on

I'm trying to picture that image in my head right now... And trust me... It's way more adorable than 'weird'. If he hadn't been making the eating noises then I would have found it weird, but the eating noises make it adorable.

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M.!.

answers from Phoenix on

my girls are 8 & 12 and both my husband and I kiss them on the mouth. When they don't want us too they turn their head and we kiss them on the check. When they were babies I used to kiss them all the time, I "wanted to eat them up" because I love them so much.

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Why is that weird? Thank the Lord your kids have a father who shows affection so openly!

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J.R.

answers from Grand Rapids on

I think you should be thankful that you have a husband who clearly adores your children and makes them feel very loved! I think the candy thing sounds cute, not creepy. We always pretend like we are going to eat my toddler's toes and make loud eating sounds and he cracks up and loves it.

I come from a long line of lip-kissers. I think it's just how some people roll! =)

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A.G.

answers from Houston on

it doesnt sounds as if hes a bad person, just a little odd. Sometimes i pretend to eat my babies cheeks while telling her shes just "so tasty", and everynow and then ill take a spoon and pretend to scoop up her arm or belly, then make little munching sounds. Parenting can make a person look a little crazy.

whatever you do, dont shame him. My husband holds back on his affection because of how it might "appear", ive tryed to encourage him to be MORE LIKE your husband, actually.

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

I'm not shocked or horrified if by "top part of her mouth" you mean "upper lip." (It's hard to imagine this happening inside the mouth.) For many of us, babies and small children are yummy, and completely non-sexual, confections.

If your daughter giggled and wiggled, everything's probably fine. IF her daddy forces himself on her when she's indicating displeasure, then a problem could be developing with healthy boundaries, which could work to her detriment in the future.

I have to restrain myself not to excessivley snuggle my beautiful 4.5yo grandson every week when I see him – but he's also very affectionate, so I let him determine how much hugging and kissing happens. But both his mom and dad playfully nibble on him at times, and until he starts pushing them away with a "yuck," which he almost certainly will in the next year or three, there's no danger.

They've also had stranger-danger and good touch/bad touch talks with him. He knows that if he's EVER uncomfortable with the physical contact of another person, including his mom or dad, he should do his best to say no, get away, and report the behavior to a trusted adult.

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M.!.

answers from Columbus on

I agree with the other posters, inlcuding he is their father. Let him love them. We kiss our kids on the lips and they are 3 and 4 years old. When we visit other family like MIL I am always greeted with a kiss. Its more the side/cheek type kiss, but my kids give their grandparents kisses on the lips too. And - even there uncles/aunts.

I agree each family is different and you have to do what is most comfortable for you and your family. But, if as you described, is all that is going on, sounds innocent and a dad just loving his kids.

Good luck

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A.B.

answers from Augusta on

I have friends that kiss on the mouth and friends that barely hug. I think it just depends on the family culture that you are from. I kiss my son to death and so does my husband. I think wondering if it is a problem is more troublesome than what he did. Do you worry that your husband would be inappropriate? That is a pretty serious question!!! Plus I have always tried to stand back and allow my husband to find his own way with our son. He doesn't do things like me and that is okay. Sometimes it is so hard to stay mum when you don't like something but, in my opinion, it is better not to be critical. The children will eventually pick up on it!!!

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A.C.

answers from Cincinnati on

I've never experienced it, but I think two things when reading your post. 1 - I don't think this is a safety issue unless you've seen other signs. It sounds like he was just being silly/affectionate. 2 - That doesn't make it appropriate. I do not mind men (or women) who kiss their children on the lips, but it should be the same sort of kiss they would give on the cheek. Any sort of tongue or sucking or something like that is completely inappropriate. Sit down with your husband and calmly tell him what you think. Hopefully, he'll at least give it some thought.

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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

I've done this myself to my son, very infrequently and I think only when chocolate was involved. I wouldn't do it for greenbeans LOL. What was your daughter's reaction? This could be the key to how to react.

Is your husband NOT the bio-dad of your kids? Is this part of why you have this fear? If he doesn't have a history of inappropriate behavior, don't make yourself crazy. You do need to trust your gut, but you have to find the balance in being vigilant.

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H.P.

answers from Houston on

Unless your husband has a pattern of inappropriateness with his children, then I don't see why you should see a problem. It's good that you are paying attention, but--like some of the other mothers have said--they are so yummy when they're that little. This to me is the same as gobbling it off her forehead or her hand. At her age, it was probably the same to her, too. As long as he's not licking her seductively or forcing it if she pulls away, then I see no issue at all.

If it'll make you feel better, discuss it with him. Just mention that this raised some thoughts when you saw this and you had take a step back and look at it through his eyes. Don't tell him that you wondered if he's a perv. Just open a discussion about this type of behavior from the perspective of other people, since your children are at that age. Say something like, "I wonder when we'll think they're too big for us kiss on them like that. I wonder how much longer they'll enjoy it. I wonder what certain people would think if they witnessed it, if they would understand or give us a hard time." My husband and I discuss when is a child too old for his parents to stop being naked in his/her presence. I think that there's a fine line between showing confidence and comfort with the human body and hiding it from the children. Exactly where is that line? (I'll probably be asking you guys this later.) Anyway, my husband and I discuss it.

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J.B.

answers from San Antonio on

Hi L. M,

I love this topic! My teenagers and I still hug and kiss several times a day. I often initiate it, but they do, too. This helps them know they are unconditionally loved and keeps us on better terms throughout the day.

When your hubby played at the chocolate candy thing, it sounds like the "EWWW!!" factor may have kicked in for you. As in many aspects of life, you might notice if this becomes a pattern before doing anything. If so, it may be a topic to discuss as partners in child rearing to see what you both agree on.

Good luck,
Parent Coach J. B.

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G.G.

answers from Austin on

As I picture this moment in my head, I don't think it's a big deal. I too am a very affectionate person and my kids and I are all VERY close. I kiss my kids on the lips (at times) but less often with my 6 year old and more often with my 2 year old. I used to kiss the 6 year old on the lips more often when he was younger. Now, it's becoming a little more inappropriate but I still do it from time to time. Maybe the licking was over the top for you. If she was 8 years old, I would think it's weird but we are talking about a 2 year old. She probably thought it was hysterical. I wouldn't worry. You are so lucky your husband is so into your kids. My husband is a great father but not as affectionate as I wish he were. It makes him sad that the kids aren't half as attached to him as me but I feel very strongly that it's the amount of attention and affection I give them.

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M.G.

answers from San Antonio on

I think its wonderful that you have an affectionate husband. I feel as long as it is the parents, then that's OK. When other people outside my parents and my husband's mom start trying to kiss on the mouth of my children I get crazy. Maybe the licking the chocolate was a little much, but to me it just sounds like he was just being playful. Keep in mind, they are his children also. I'm sure he would not do anything to make them feel weird. Plus they are still young. When they are older, they won't want it anymore and then your husband will back off. Until then, he is just showing them love in a way he knows how. Let him.

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S.R.

answers from McAllen on

I agree with Jennifer, my husband often complaints that im "addicted" to kisses, but what mom isnt?, really.
Everyone in my family kisses their children in the lips, I do and my MIL and SIL totally hate it!!! (or are grossed out by it) I "eat" my 3yo anytime he'll let me and he likes the eating noises, so I wouldnt worry about it, unless you had any other concern besides this one, but I think not, since you say he is just very affectionate. Good Luck and kiss away!!!

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A.P.

answers from Boston on

I wouldn't be comfortable with this and I would have let my husband know right then and there. Even if I just mentioned it casually, I would just say (not if front of her though) you know I don't think you should lick her mouth like that, its a little weird. It sounds like he was just kidding around, but I don't think licking is ever appropriate, next thing you know she'll be licking some kid on the playground and you'll have some annoyed parents to deal with. This sounds sort of like when someone blows raspberries on a baby's belly. Of course if you're not comfortable then put an end to it.

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K.F.

answers from College Station on

you know, unless he is being a real perv, i wouldn't say anything. I think it sounds like pure affection. I do it to my kids too. i am no a perv or a sicko, but I kiss my kiddos on the mouth and I think as long as i am not sticking my my tounge down their troats there is no treat.seroiously licking cake off their faces" really? let it go, your husband sounds great and I wish mine was like that with my kids.

B.K.

answers from Chicago on

I don't kiss my 3 yr. old son on the the lips because I don't want to pass any germs unto him. I usually kiss him on the cheek or the forehead.

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C.B.

answers from Austin on

There are so many other things to worry about. There are plenty of children whose Father ignores them all the time, be glad you picked a "good" one. A loving and affectionate Father/Father figure keeps kids off of drugs and on the right path in life. They in turn are better parents to their children. I am sure your daughter will grow up and put a stop to his nonsense eventually because it will be embarrassing. Enjoy these moments now, they do not last forever.

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P.O.

answers from Harrisburg on

I think it's nice that your husband shows affection, but there is always a thin line called discretion. The fact that he does that to both your son and your daughter seems innocent at the moment. But he needs to be conscious that he doesn't want to create a habit that will appear indifferent as his kids get older. Right now they are young, so he can probably get away with it IN your presence, but being a guy, I would tell him to start kissing your daugher on her cheeks, for the mere fact he is teaching her that not any and any man should be kissing her on her lips as she grows up. Children pick up on things, and I think it is just best practice. He might genuinely just be like that, but it is also not appropriate when he tries to kiss chocolate off his daughters lips.

A.R.

answers from St. Louis on

Actually It is not OK for me. I dislike a lot when parents kiss their kids on their lips. Taking the chocolate off your daughter's lips, sorry but it doesn't look nice.
Besides that is a way also to give the kids bacteria or viruses or whatever they don't have and don't need.
Kids are kids and adults are adults.
Sorry my opinion.

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J.T.

answers from Victoria on

i think its odd. i would simply tell him " thats a little too much". if he were playing like it and didnt actually touch his mouth to hers acting like he was going too eat it thats different and silly/fun. most likely its nothing. but keep an eye on them. look up signs of an abusive spouce or something simular. see if he matches up if so go from there. but most likely he was just having fun with her. but you can tell him it makes you uncomfortable to be that close.

G.K.

answers from San Francisco on

Different reactions for different people. I see NO problem with kissing kids on the lips. I'm 33, and I STILL kiss my mom and sisters on the lips when we say hi or bye!!! My dad has never been very affectionate, so to kiss him would be awkward, but that's not how I'm raising my kids. Both my husband and I are very affectionate with our kids (3yo boy, 9mo girl), and each kid gets a hug & kiss on the lips every night before bed, and as often through the day as my kids want. If my son has something on his lips when I kiss him, I'll back up and tell him, "mmm.. that tastes like xxx. Yum!"

How you feel is how you feel, and you're going to get different opinions from everyone!

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J.T.

answers from College Station on

RELAX! He was just being cute to his little girl.... if she was 9 or 10 then I would worry!

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K.L.

answers from Waco on

This is to most of the other answers: I think it is absolutely rediculous to think that a childs FATHER should not be allowed to kiss them on the mouth!!! Some people are just too paranoid!! I am 29 years old and to this day I kiss my daddy and papa on the lips everytime I see them! There is nothing sexual about that, just family love and affection!!! Likewise, my husband and dad kiss my three daughters on the lips. I think the fact that you are questioning your husbands intentions says more than anything, maybe you have more incidences in mind that you don't want to share? I would not even think to question my husband for showing affection toward our three girls.

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M.A.

answers from Houston on

Ahhhh! I loved reading your responses...I, too, have a child made of sugar!!! She is three and just the most adorable, edible thing out there!!! NO ONE CAN HELP IT!!! Everyone in my family, huggers/non-huggers, kissers/non-kissers, can not resist!!!! I have a sister whom I am very close...our WHOLE lives, she has been a "non-hugger"....a few weeks ago my DD was standing in front of her and she got hit by the cute bug!!! She reached out and patted her little behind while having that, "she's so cute I cant stand it" look on her face!!!!...I was like. 'I KNOW!!!" Its some crazy spreading cute virus!!!

Kids CAN NOT be loved enough!!! Especially by their WHOLE family...what a great thing for them!!!!

P.S. I am like a previous poster...I REALLY have to watch myself!!! I'll squeeze the stuffin' outta that little stinker!!! I love her so much!!!!

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M.T.

answers from San Antonio on

You are the mother and if you don't like what he is doing simply let him know. Be prepared to answer any questions he might have. Try not to sound irritated when you talk to him. Affection is good but you both have to agree on the way it is given.

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