Toddler Won't Share with Peers

I know this is going to be repetitive but, 2 year olds don't know how to share. They are not mentally able to grasp the concept until about 3 years old. There is nothing you can do about it. 2 years olds also are not able to play WITH other children. They may play along side them, but not with them. They do not have the ability to engage in that way. That also comes at around 3 years. There are many child development books out there. They will provide way more information than any of us moms can on this forum!

Ah, another example of where I am a social pariah.

When this issue came up with my children, I noticed something. I'm a noticy kind of person. I noticed that *I* don't share with other people. And I'm not unusual.

We do not live in a society where it is 'okay' to decide to share someone else's stuff without their permission. We have a big thing about ownership and property rights.

But we don't raise our children in that truth. We don't share with them, and we don't really expect them to grow up to share any more than we do. In fact, in a couple of years you'll be encountering parents who are very upset about their children sharing clothing, personal items and family resources with other kids, although it is exactly what they were taught as toddlers.

We never made our kids share anything. In fact, they were always at liberty to shut the doors to their rooms and bar anyone using anything they owned. Just as I do. I do not share my makeup, and friends are not at liberty to put on my clothes just because they are in my home. Yet, this is very much what you are describing wanting your 2yo to do.

Strangely (or perhaps not) I have children who are extraordinarily generous, with each other and other people. They will happily share what is theirs almost every time they're asked. Of course, they grew up knowing that their stuff was actually theirs to control -- they knew they really owned it, so they don't feel like their stuff is in anyone else's control (even mine), so they don't feel any need to be overly-controlling of what happens with their stuff, just to prove to themselves who owns it.

I considered it my job to respect my children's wishes regarding the use and care of their stuff. Particularly when they were very young and more easily pushed around by others.

It's perfectly normal! These are the "mine" years. As the previous poster said, toddlers don't really know how to play "together" until at least 3. Keep reminding him that "we share with friends", and "give so-and-so a turn", but you can't expect him to do it on his own. You may feel like a broken record, but the only way he'll learn is by hearing it often. I personally don't think time-outs are appropriate because he's not misbehaving. His behavior is totally age appropriate! Make sure both kids have an interesting toy, and try to calm him down by distracting him. He'll get it eventually (but it might take another 6 months or a year even!).

This is really very normal for this age. My 2 1/2 year old has things he just doesn't want others to play with. We can put those things away before friends come over. Also the concept of sharing is hard. We played my turn, your turn games so he would get it. Now I can tell him it will be his turn with the toy soon and he has to wait. The best way I showed him this was with the vacuum. He loved to try to vacuum, so I'd start and tell him it was my turn and then like 30 sec or a minute later it was his turn, then mine again. He was bad at first, but once he realized he would get a turn and he only had to wait like 30-60 seconds for it he got a lot less crabby and more patient. You could do this with toys too.

I can understand you wanting your toddler to share, but don't be too h*** o* him. Encourage him, but understand that at 2 a child really doesn't understanding sharing and can't/shouldn't be expected to share. They develop an understanding between 2 1/2 and 3. At that time you can enforce sharing. But beware of that favorite toy or item...and don't ask him to share that.

Check with your pediatrican or developmental books on child-development, but I think 2-years old is too young to be sharing all of your toys. As I recall (although my children are older) sharing didn't become a concept my kids understood until 3, and didn't grasp well until 4 or 5. A 2-year old can not possibly understand that what is his must be given to someone else when that someone else decides they want to play with it to. One suggestion is to have 2 of his 'favorite' items and when someone wants to play with his, give them the extra one. Explain to him that there are 2 so that when someone else wants to play he has one for himself and one to share with others. Also keep in mid that children development differently and at different times, some kids never have a problem sharing, like some kids never have a problem potty-training - others seem to take much longer, etc. Don't push your son to share when it is not the right time developmental for HIM (not for the kids he is playing with) and just explain to his friends and their parents that he has not yet mastered the 'sharing' concept and that he needs more time, etc. They should understand. And provided your child is not exhibiting meanness (hitting, biting, etc.) with the other children, then there shouldn't be anything to worry about. Also, when he asks you to share, try to exchaning the sharing with him at that time by saying...."Ok, I will share with you if you will share something with me....go find something to share with me." and make it a playful thing while teaching him this very difficult concept to grasp.

It sounds to me like you have 2 issues:
1. Not sharing/disobedience
2. Over-reacting or throwing a fit
It is normal to be self-centered but it is a trait that you want to get rid of as soon as possible (I know adults that never learned to share). I have a 3 1/2 and a 1 1/2 and they are learning to share together. The one main thing that I say over and over and over is "if you don't share you don't get to play with it". And if that doesn't work, I take the toy/food/book etc... away.

On your second issue, if you give in to his screaming then he will continue to use screaming to get what he wants. Some reaction is expected he is not getting what he wants, but you need to tell him what kind of reaction is acceptable. Is crying OK? Do you want him to say “No, thank you, I want to keep this toy” or “Me, no, share!” (meaning he doesn't want to share).

My 1 ½ year old is VERY vocal about when his big brother takes something from him. I make sure I correct big brother from taking it and correcting little brother from screaming to tell me. Little brother can’t talk much but I do tell him to say “No thank you” to his big brother.

Find what works for you, if time-outs work, use them, if not use something else like a time-out with you. Hold him in your lap, talking to him about sharing until he is calm. Or leave the playgroup or whatever teaching method you need to do. It will take years but you would be amazed at how much this lesson of learning how to reacted to a “No” answer will benefit him later in life. Good luck and don’t worry they will get it! P.S. Sorry this is so long.

hey N.,

i am no expert but in recollection of when my son was that age i would venture to say that your expectations might be slightly overextended. at that age, they tend to engage in parallel play more than interactive play and also tend to be almost completely unaware that there is anyone else but themselves to consider.

however, i agree with you it is time for these fundamental and often difficult lessons to begin to be learned. different kids respond to different things. what is central though is that you explain your expectation in a way he can understand, explain the consequence for not meeting it, and then, without fail, execute the consequence, every single time.

for my son, time outs were very effective. in addition, if sam had three timeouts in one playdate, even if we had only been there for a short time, we would leave the playdate altogether. some kids respond to putting the toy in time out, rather than sitting in timeout themselves. just make sure it is as concrete as possible and limit the timeouts to 2-3 minutes. to a 2 year old that feels like an hour.

i hope this helps. best of luck to you and your family. :-)

S.

Hello N., At this age they are just starting to grasp this concept. Most important is that they don't get their way with any temper tantrum. It will set up major power struggles. Give the child a choice between two other toys to play with until the other child is done with one they want. Repetition is key. Repeat, repeat, repeat. LOL. If this doesn't work then give them time out from playing at all. One minute for each year of age. Having to watch the other kids play has a major effect on kids. If both kids are fighting over one toy, then both should lose the privilage of playing with it. The top of my frig was designated for that stash of toys. The kids had to win back the right to play with them again. Good luck.

Okay N. I didn't see any of the other responses you received yet so I may be repeating what someone may have already said. From my understanding 2 year olds just don't have the understanding to share. We can model sharing perhaps but not by taking the toy they have but another. And from what I noticed with my 2 year old that if I ask him to share with his brother and neither one of us force the issue he sometimes will just hand it over. Most of the time I just notice that he gets bored pretty easy and will give up the item very soon -- so I'll just have his brother wait. Now at play groups with other 2 years old there's probably just going to be some power struggles I would just say except this.... Most other mothers will jump also with their child and help them understand. Really I think the only time other mothers get upset is when a child lashes out and hits, shoves, or even bites. But even here we understand or should because all our kids have did this! From what I am learning it is just their age, mentality and we have to be patient. no amount of time outs and/or spankings make a bit of difference.

N.
If you are a teacher, you probably took some child development courses way back when...and the early childhood curriculum was probably very short/fleeting in the grand scheme of things (I majored in child development because---unlike you---I didn't have the stamina to go through the school of education).

At any rate, those early childhood dev. lessons would say that it is normal/expected for a 2 year old to want to "not" share.

Just persist in encouraging him to share. But when he blows a tantrum, don't be real h*** o* him. Just tell him calmly that he should share, and that he would want others to share with him. Eventually...he wil be better at sharing. Never stop encouraging it, and when he is not playing with something (something you know he has no interest in), help him to offer it to a playmate. Hopefully he will not change his mind and suddenly want to play with it. If he does, grab something else for him to offer. Once he agrees on something, tell him/help him to give it to the other child and then strongly praise him for it. Gush at how very proud you are of him. And if he should be so lucky as to have another child share with him, teach him to say thank you and comment on how nice it was that that child shared with him.

Again...remember that sharing is a lesson that comes over time, but never stop at least encouraging it. Whether he likes it or not, you at least want him to know how he "should" be acting socially.

At our house we don't have to share. I do not force my daughter to let other people play with her toys. I have toys that I will let people play with when they come over. When people are coming over my daughter puts the things that she really doesn't want anyone to play with away so that there is no episode and when we are packing to go to someones house she knows that she has to bring toys where it is ok for other people to play with them.

She doesn't have fits and she does share when she wants to.

L.
http://www.HealthyFamilyHome.com

N.,
From my experience teaching 2.5 -3 year olds in a preschool, I know that they are not developmentally ready to share all the time. This is the time to talk about it, read stories about it, do it yourself on basic levels, point it out when others do it, and then to PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE, your child when you see he/she does it. Say something that he/she will look forward to continue fulfilling in themselves, like, "Wow! That was sure nice of you to share." "You saw that your friend needed a toy too." "You are a terrific friend." "Everyone will want to be your friend."
Do not allow other children to take toys from another's hands. That's the rule at our house. That's the rule in the classroom. That's the rule in real life. After all....Do not steal...either knowingly, or not, right? The more a child feels secure that their needs are taken care of, the more FREE they feel to share and give. If you see your son getting more and more fussy over sharing, it's because he may not have developed a secure feeling of control/ownership yet... which is fine. Because he will...just give him more time. And protect his right to ownership, so that it is not threatend...which will just delay his growth. I'm sure you take care of his needs. He just has to be convinced himself.
All the ideas of separating his special toys, etc. are great. If you know a friend is coming over, use toys that are manipulative in nature, (because they can start out both with their own stash), or playdough, that each can have his own. Or get outside! (Thanks goodness, Spring is settling in.)
A final note I think about often. Sometimes what seems to be selfishness is just actually self preservation being threatened, on so many different levels. We all have boundaries, and that is a HEALTHY thing. Your son sounds like a lively, special, boy, who has a very alert and caring mom.
J.

Sounds like a developmental thing that will come along in time. Kids under 3 can't fully understand sharing. Good idea to have him choose some toys to hide away when company is coming and leave out those that he's not so attached to. Verbally rewarding his sharing and not making too much of it when he won't, maybe telling the other mom that he's still got a way to go on this issue. Preparing him before the other kids are there would help, but this will take time. I'd be very gentle about it or it will become a big power struggle and kids this age can make quite a commotion. He's still learning about time too. Your working full-time may play into this. Hang in there, Mom! G. B.