Toddler Suddenly Having Problems at Pre-school

Updated on December 07, 2008
S.H. asks from Broken Arrow, OK
8 answers

Hi there,
I have a toddler who just turned two that attends a Mother's Day Out program 3 days a week. He is a very sweet and affectionate boy, but has always like to play rough -running, jumping and rolling around. He is somewhat tall and skinny for his age and is surprisingly strong.
My little guy behaved well in his MDO class up until his 2nd birthday a few weeks ago. He began to play rough with the other kiddos, trying to pull them down and sit on them. The school thought he was outgrowing the small kids in his class and moved him to the next class up. When this transtion occurred, I was told very little about the change in routines, potty training procedures, etc. Since my son has been in this new class, the rough play has become worse. He keeps pulling the other kids around by their shirts and putting his legs on them. There is no biting, pushing or hitting, but this "pulling" we are told about upsets the other kids. Its not something my husband and I have ever seen in playgroups. The teachers have tried time out and it does not seem to phase him and he is not listenting well when they tell him to stop. His teacher seems to be more and more upset by him, even though they tell me he is not being mean to the other kids, he's just doing this one thing.
We have reinforced time outs at home, have started a "no touching friends rule," and have a talk with him before school starts - although i am not sure how much he understands. Is this just natural 2 year old boy behavior, or something I should be concerned about? I have only heard positives about his behavior from babysitters and family/friends in the past, but he is becoming increasingly stubborn lately.

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H.S.

answers from Texarkana on

Make sure you know what's going on at pre-school!
Your son sounds very normal. But it's always good to be certain of the circumstances ; )
Blessings,
H.

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R.E.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Subrenia R J's advice reminds me of what I read in one of John Rosemond's book, I think "Making the 'Terrible' Twos Terrific!" You may find something in that book that will help you understand and work better with your son's situation right now, and to feel more in control yourself.

Also, Christy I's advice sounds like something I've been doing with my 16-month-old for the past long while (8 months??). We have two cats, and he loves to watch them and to have them near, but he tended to be rough with them at first, which is normal for babies. So I would say, "No, that is not gentle. We are gentle with [cat's name]." He still got scratched a few times, which he didn't like, and I'd explain that that's what cats do when we are not gentle with them. As he's patted them gently, I praise him for being gentle with them, and point out that cats purr when they're happy. He still needs to learn not to brandish toys in their faces, but he's gotten much better in treating them gently.

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S.J.

answers from Tulsa on

I had a very stubborn daughter and this is what worked with her....Giving her choices. Many times children feel like they have no contorl over their lives, mom or dad tell them what to wear, when to eat, what to eat, etc. By giving the child choices, they feel like they are in control (when actually, you still are!). The key is to give 2 choices with each question (and ask as many questions as possible to give them more choices), either choice you are happy with.

Example:
When your son tells you he is thirsty, you say:
Would you like the red cup or the orange one?
Would you like juice or milk?
Would you like a lid or a straw?
Would you like to drink it in the kitchen or at the dining room table?

This works with discipline too...
When your son shows inappropriate behaviour, you say:
That behaviour is not acceptable in our home (or at church, or at the supermarket, etc.), would you like to spend 5 minutes in time out on your bed or in the dining room chair? If the child refuses to choose, you just up the time and repeat the same question. Again, if they refuse to choose, you just up the time and repeat the same question. Eventually they will see that the time is getting longer and longer and will choose.

The tough part is sticking with it in the beginning. When they refuse to choose (when it's not discipline) or try to give another option, you choose for them and STICK TO IT. This teaches them that if they won't choose from your options that you will take control back and choose for them. It won't take very long until they will choose because they will learn that if they don't you will choose for them and take the control away. If they refuse to choose (when it is discipline) you just keep upping the time and at some point you just stick with it so they will remember the next time that the punishment is worse if they don't choose.

My daughter is now 17 and a wonderful young lady, however, at 2 she was driving me crazy because she was so stubborn and strong willed. This method worked wonders on her, even in her potty training. These children won't do what you want them to do just because you want them to do it, they won't do it until they decide to do it and that can be quite frustrating!

Good luck!!!

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L.J.

answers from Birmingham on

Does he watch cartoons that involve wrestling, sword fighting (Ninja turtles, power rangers, etc.)? If so - stop everything on tv that does this. For a few that causes him to think that being rough is just part of playing. It is not natural behavior and you will have to correct it very soon or he'll be kicked out of this day care and others. You have to immediately stop the action when you see it even slightly at home. Tell him "pushing/hitting/pulling is not playing ... be easy." Reward him HUGE when you see him playing EASY. It won't make him a gushy boy, but the schools are very firm on the no touching thing since it can lead to conflicts.

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R.L.

answers from Tulsa on

I dont think this is something to worry about. a daycare setting is a lot different than just having a babysitter. what they dont tell you at daycare is how the other kids act. he could just be responding to the way the other kids interact with him. talking to him and enforcing time out on your time is good, but you cant control what happens when you are not around. this does not sound like a parental problem. he is just being a little boy.

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T.P.

answers from Tuscaloosa on

I work with kids who often have trouble with their sensory systems. Some kids are hypersensitive and can't stand any touch, and some are the opposite...they "seek" rough touch and can't figure out how to touch softly. Some symptoms of sensory integration problems are kids that break crayons because they can't hold them gently, kids that bounce into things a lot on purpose(like walls), and kids that are really rough around other people. Of course, some of this is normal behavior, but when it becomes a problem at school and home, a pediatric occupational therapist can often help with some ideas and games to play at home and school. It can be as simple as using sofa cushions to "squash" your child or rolling an exercise ball heavily over them to help calm down their sensory system. You'd be surprised how this calms them. They will often say, "more!", "more!". If you think your child might be one of these kids (possibly he's not), talk to your pediatrician and see if you can get a referral to a pediatric OT. There's also a great book that's sold in most bookstores called "The Out of Sync Child". It's easy to read and you can skip to parts that interest you. It should help you figure out if your child really has sensory integration difficulty or if it's just a phase. Hope this helps!

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C.I.

answers from Fort Smith on

There are probably other issues to address, but one thought that comes immediately to mind is the "no touching friends" rule. I suggest teaching him good touch verses bad touch. We sometimes fill our children with what not to do when they often need to know what TO do. For example, "I like the way you gently patted S.." This way he gets positive attention for doing what he should be doing. Say things like "Use your nice hands" etc. The teacher should correct him when he pulls friends and say something like "[his name], don't pull Suzie." and then suggest what to do instead. He might also be frustrated when others are not doing what he wants them to do and he does not have the skills to communicate his wishes yet.

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M.W.

answers from Baton Rouge on

S.,

I'm sorry to say, welcome to the world of a 2 year old "spirited" little boy. My little one is now 3 and it only gets more "fun". To understand him more, I would recommend you reading "Raising your spirited child" by mary sheedy kurcinka. This book will make you realize that your's isn't really so bad. It also gives you ways to deal with it and get down to a 2 year old's level to explain to him what is right and what is not. Good luck. It's starting to work with mine. I only wish I would have found this a year ago.

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