Toddler Obsessed with Me

Updated on July 29, 2017
B.B. asks from Bedminster, NJ
9 answers

My 19 month old daughter has always been but recently its gotten really bad. If I am in the room with her, she wants to either be held or nursed. This continues in the car where she screams and cries because I can not pick her up and has been the case since she was born. I have tried to ignore it, redirect her, and even yell at her. Nothing has worked except picking her up and/or nursing her or leaving the room/sending her outside with my son. She is happy and well behaved with everyone else. As soon as she sees me, she freaks out. I think she needs to sleep better, which is part of the issue but when I have tried to sleep train her in her own crib, she freaked out and injured herself by hitting her face against the crib railing repeatedly. She is very good when we go out and I do wear her in the ergo a lot at home, including during naps. She sleeps in our bed. How do I get anything done at home? What can I do so that she is not obsessed with getting picked up and/or nursed constantly at home? P.s. I work part time once a week so I am away from her for 6 hours and my husband takes her out for a few hours once a week as well.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

Some clinginess is normal, but part of this is behavior you have taught her by saying no and then giving in to her tantrums, she has learned that if she just holds out long enough you will cave to her. That learned behavior will make this a harder habit to break. You have to be consistent when training.

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D..

answers from Miami on

Guess what? Yelling at her will make her MORE insecure, not less. So not only are you yelling at a small toddler which is only appropriate if she's getting ready to touch a hot stove, but you're making the problem worse.

Your child isn't obsessing over you. You are her primary caregiver and she is tethered to you, body and soul. As Diane puts it, it's annoying as all get out, but yelling at her will only negatively shape her as a different person as she grows and not accomplish what you want, at all... By calling this an "obsession", you're acting like she's a small adult. She's NOT. It would help you if you studied child development so that you can understand better what is in the range of normal for children.

If you are letting her just come up to you and demand to nurse, you should stop doing that. She should be drinking from a cup and eating food. Nursing should be done at specific intervals, like in the morning (and NOT in the bed - you'll never get her out of your bed if you do that) and at night. If she begs in the bed, turn away from her and pretend that you are asleep, no matter what. She is FAR too old to be waking in the middle of the night for nursing. If you're going to nurse during the day, make sure she has had a full meal first and don't let her fall asleep while you're doing it. She needs to put herself to sleep without relying on the nursing. When you do decide to wean, put bandaids on your nipples and tell her that you have ouchies.

If you are stressed while she is crying for you, she will feel that and ramp it up even more. Your stress makes HER feel stress. Instead, continue your work, smile and talk sweetly to her and give her something to do. Kids love tupperware and stuff to put in them, like when you're in the kitchen doing food prep (not cooking on the stove or oven - she shouldn't be under your feet while you're doing that) or washing dishes. Have music playing and sing and dance a little while you're working. Tell her "Mommy's working, sweetie! We'll play in a minute!" and keep working, even if she's crying. If you have given her something to pay attention to, she will eventually turn her attention to it or something else if you are CONSISTENT and don't give in to her when she does this. Take breaks every 15 or 20 minutes to sit down with her WHEN SHE ISN'T CRYING to play or read to her and hold her. That way she knows that you'll spend time with her without her having to cry for it. If you pick her up EVERY time she cries, you're just teaching her to do it with even more insistance.

Do you play peek-a-boo with her? That helps children understand that you will come back when they can't see you. Not knowing that an adult still exists when they can't see you or hear them is normal. It takes a while for the brain to develop into that understanding. And daycares and mother-mornings-out know how to help a child who cries a lot when you drop them off. You have to just drop off and leave and let them handle it. It's GOOD for you to allow this. If something happened to you, it would be even harder on her to be away from you if she isn't used to it.

After you have gotten her used to NOT nursing on demand and being held on demand, then you can work on her going into a crib. You should take this in stages.

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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

This too shall pass.

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N.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Completely normal. This is part of her growth. Toddlers are awful when it comes to this stage. It will go away and then you'll really miss it someday. Promise.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

If it were me, I'd introduce comfort objects, if you haven't already (you likely already have). I relied on comfy little chairs, their comfort items (blankets, stuffies, etc.) and as long as they could see me, they were ok.

As for getting used to crib, I transitioned mine when she was younger (one of mine co-slept) but I actually spent two nights (one full night, then the next night I think I crept out once she was down) on her floor. For mine, that was enough. We had those Fisher Price baby aquarium soothing bubbles/sounds/lights that mine all were mesmerized by, and I could leave.

When I tried Ferberizing - one of mine hit his head. It was awful. I did a modified version of it with my other kids. The most they did was fuss. I could handle it and there was no crying. It actually went more quickly.

I would just stop using the baby carrier, and carry her a bit and say you have to put her down.

Don't ignore or yell - be consistent (I know easier said than done). But just decide one day, you're not going to carry her for her nap. Don't cave. If she doesn't sleep - she doesn't. One of mine would pass out on the couch - it doesn't have to be her crib, so long as she gets rest. If it were me, I'd start with the nap. Do that for a few weeks, then do the crib at night (if you want her out of your bed). At same time as this - introduce comfort items if she needs some. Best of luck. It is a phase for sure - and it will pass :)

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D.B.

answers from Boston on

It's a normal phase and it's annoying as all get out, isn't it? So the separation issue is one thing, but the tantrums are adding to it. Tantrums are normal in kids of a certain age as well, but it sounds like you have the both together.

But you say that she's been like this since birth in many ways. So, you say she needs to sleep better. What does that mean? Does she not nap well? Only in the ergo? And she sleeps in your bed as well? Does she nurse at night? Is that her method for calming down when she wakes up? And therefore she has no experience with calming herself down or sleeping alone ever? She's probably more attached to you because of the nursing and the skin-to-skin contact (not just the milk) that she gets whenever she's upset. What did you do with your son that worked?

Kids need to sleep all night, and children beyond the age of about 6 months don't need to nurse (or have a bottle) at night. I think you've allowed some difficult habits to develop, and it's going to be very stressful and painful to break them. I'd talk to the pediatrician about her sleep and get some input on brain development in toddlers and children who don't sleep all night. Waking up briefly is one thing, but they need to go back to sleep (just like you and I do) without being fed on demand.

On the advice of our pediatrician, we did sleep training (Ferber method) at 6 months. Our son was never in our bed so we didn't have that issue, but we did have to bite the bullet and be completely on the same page with each other during a few nights of hell trying to get our baby to sleep without eating or being picked up. From your comments, I'm not sure you are "there yet" because your child has never slept alone, never slept in a crib, and never had her desire for nursing/holding be denied. I think you need a really comprehensive approach here that you believe in, that your husband is on board with, so that you can share equally in the work of getting it done. It will take longer because she's 19 months old and has pretty ingrained habits, but if you don't want your child in your bed forever, you probably should make this move. You might even go away for a few days and let your husband handle this. Big decision, I know.

Get a book on Ferber, and work really well with your husband. This cannot be all on you.

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Our son was on solid food by 1 yr old - so I wasn't nursing him at that point.
But I was his favorite person until he was about 3 1/2 yrs old.
If I was in the room - my lap was where he wanted to be.
If I left the room - he followed me - all over the house.
I got him to wait outside the bathroom door (I had to leave it open so he could see me) so I could use it in relative peace.
He was ok with dad if I wasn't available, but the minute I walked in - he'd make a beeline for me.
He was sleeping in his own room/bed - although if he woke up he'd come across the hall to our room and then tuck himself in at the foot of our bed.
He relaxed a bit about it around 4 yrs old.

If you are getting tired of it, maybe it's time to wean.
Transitioning her to her own bed will be tough but it's worth it to start now.
Put a sleeping bag or cot next to your bed and have her sleep there.
Gradually move it further away from you.
In the mean time have a nice comfortable bed in her own room.
Twin size is fine and if you are worried about her falling out - put the mattress on the floor.
Read stories to her there, have her nap there, make forts there - make it the happy fun place to be.
Eventually she sleeps there and you sleep on a cot near her, then further away - until she's good in her bed/room.
Some day she'll out grow this - you'll be relieved - and eventually you might miss it just a little bit.

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C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

It's very normal to have separation anxiety at this age. I wouldn't yell at her...just comfort her each time. Our kids and every kid I've seen go through this outgrows it! Plus some kids just are needier than others. I would work on getting her completely distracted by something interesting and try to make her wait longer and longer before wanting your comfort. Praise her for being a big girl and playing on her own when you see her do it.

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H.W.

answers from Portland on

Thought about this at 5 a.m., wide awake and waiting to fall back asleep...

A few things: first. remember, this is NOT forever. I have a ten year old who shies away from hugs-- so try to savor every moment your kid wants your love. I know it's hard and draining, but hugs are like gold around here now.

I found that one of my best investments was a pack (like an Ergo). The other was anl umbrella stroller. I could take him out for walks, let him doze off and move the stroller onto the porch or into the living room. I also loaded the bottom with toys and would hand one to him from time to time. The nice thing about the stroller is that there is some containment when he was not on my back, and it was small so I could tuck it in the corner when I was doing kitchen work.

Here's something hard, but it needs to happen: it's okay to let them cry for a bit. Not forever, of course, but maybe some 'ferber' type "checking in" and then walking away for increasing amounts of time can be done during the daytime. My son never had a transition object (stuffed bear, lovey)... I WAS that person. I'm the first to tell you it was draining. That said, even though he doesn't want hugs, I'm still the first person he goes to when he's upset. And that IS valuable. In any case, let her cry for three minutes or so, give her a kiss, and walk away. I'd do this with her in the stroller so she is safe and can't follow you. As she gets used to this (and it might take a couple weeks, honestly), she'll develop that sense of trust you need for bedtime. If she's hurting herself on the crib, consider using a padded railing pack and play( they are all padded on top).

I'll come back and add things if I think of anything more.

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