Hi everyone, my little girl McKenna will be 3 in early June. My "problem" (I hate to call it that...soon enough she will probably want nothing to do with me!) is that she is very reluctant to play on her own or be willing to entertain herself at ALL. She constantly wants either myself or my husband (very usually me) to play with or put all of our attention on her. I have tried to include her in housework (she has her own broom etc) cooking when feasible (she has her own apron and stool in the kitchen), and set her up with things that she can do on her own while I am right there doing some other small task (giving her playdoh, crayons, other "activities") but NOTHING seems to entertain her on her own. This is leading to frustration on both parts. She is an only child and some part of me wonders if we put ALL of our attention on her for so long that she now has difficulty wanting to play with herself! She is fine when other kids are around and plays well with them. My husband and I spend tons of one-on-one as well as family time playing and reading and going on family outings together so I feel very bonded and very strongly that she gets a lot of fabulous time and loving interaction with us so I don't feel as though this is a cry for help/attention from her. I know this may sound like a mean or unmotherly "complaint" but I am fried and I am worried about the long-term effects of her needing constant, constant, constant entertainment. I work part time and her childcare is excellent with 5 other children in a home setting with a preschool program where she is stimulated and learning/playing during her time there. Her caregiver never changes so I don't think she is looking for stability. Both sets of grandparents are very involved in her life. Anyone else have this issue or have some other ideas on fostering independent play?
Get her involved with things only she can do...get her intoa preschool music class, they will help her transition to individual playing of an instrument.
Sounds like she rules the roost. I did, too., then
one day they over rode my "sick" call, and from then on I
learned to blend in, and not be the control person.
My daughter is six years old and always on me for a play mate because my husband and I have told her we are not your play mates we are your parents. We do play with her a lot and have tons of family time, even we can't play all the time. She gets mad because she wants to be entertained and we tell her that is her job not ours. She wants to watch TV, to play Vsmile or play on her computer but she is limited to one hour of that kind of avtivity a day.
My husband and I were not only children but, neither of us played with our siblings much either. I have found that finding a good playmate or group of playmates is very helpful. If one can't play I call another. I do give her an hour a day in her room with all of her toys to play by herself. I put a timer on in the kitchen and when she hears it she can come out if she wants to. My daughter just stared Kindergarten this year so my situation is now different then yours. She now only gets that hour a day on non school days but, before school it was every day for my sanity.
What helped me when she was younger was to spend the first hour of every day giving her my undivieded attention and play if I tried to put it off I never got anything done she would be on me all day. If I met her needs first then I could easily meet mine second.
It is totally normal to need time to yourself. Your a great mom caring about this issue. Parents of only children have to be very careful to make sure their children are properly socialized. Siblings take care of a whole bunch of issues, but that means having another child which I know I don't have the attention to give to another child 24/7.
As your daughter gets older you will enjoy her in different ways, your activities with her will change, have fun. go to the website Loveandlogic.com they have great advice on kids.
Ha! I could have written your post (even the part about working in sales part time and having your child in a small-group home daycare setting). Our son is 2.5 and is only now just barely starting to play on his own for short periods. Please don't feel unmotherly. We're still human and need "our" time just as much, if not more, than ever!
One thing we got our son into was playing pretend using little pretend voices. For some reason, when he realized he could give "voice" to his toys, he decided they were more fun to play with independently. Now he'll play in his room for 15-20 minutes at a time, and we hear little sqeaky voices saying stuff like "No! Don't hit me...that's not nice!" And "Come on over here horsey...Ok, here I come...now run really fast...oh, ok I like running" etc. What a relief!
Sounds like you're doing all the right stuff, though. Just give her opportunities to entertain herself, and I'll bet it will happen in due time.
My daughter is the same way. She is now 4. She still has difficulties going anywhere on her own. She now has a sibling that she has to drag with her. I think it's just part of her personality. There might be things you can do about it, but for the most part I think it's just who she is.
Oh, how I can totally relate! However, I believe that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. My daughter is 3 years and 3 months. She only recently began playing more and more by herself. It isn't all the time, but it does give me some relief so I can concentrate on occasionally getting a few tasks done unencumbered. I find that there are times when my daughter knows that I am not paying attention to her (i.e., when on the phone) and that is when she wants my undivided attention. It is an ongoing dilemma, but it is often assuaged by my giving her concentrated special play times. By this I mean, I tell her that I am going to play with her and I won't be answering the phone or doing anything else but playing with her. It is like she just wants to reconnect and know that I am there for her. Then, when I tell her that there will be times when I am on the phone and cannot hold her or read a story, but that I will talk to her as soon as I am done. When I do get on the phone and she starts to get clingy, I remind her that I will spend special time with her as soon as I am off the phone-- and I follow through. It seems to be working, but I have to say this is all pretty recent and developmental. I think your daughter will get there soon enough, but I know it is hard. My mother is staying with us right now and my daughter adores her. However, I have noticed that sometimes my daughter gets irritated with grandma because DD wants me all to herself. That is when I try to slow down a little and give her one on one time like taking a bubble bath with her. Hope you get some relief soon. Take care and good luck!
hello I also have an almost 3 year old and what I have done is that I try to give her about an hour of my undivided attention and I set an egg timer. For some reason the timer works great! I tell her I will do whatever she wants until the timer goes off then I have to do some work. I will then set her up with some play doh or whatever then play for a few minutes then get to my work. hope this helps and if you would ever want a play date let me know.
Hang in there, mom! My son (only child) was the same way. His ability to play on his own started sooo gradually--10 minutes while we finished dinner, then 20 minutes wasn't too surprising, now he can play for a long time without us (he's 6). What I remember most was that at 2.5 years old, he didn't play WITH the other kid during play dates (just nearby) but it started shortly after that (right around 3 years). So I think it just takes extroverts longer. What do you do on long car trips--is she able to occupy herself then?
Everyone's posts here are great. I thought I'd just add a little of my own experience. My daughter is 4 and a couple of months. Over the last several months she has begun to master "make believe" play. I don't think she really got it until recently, now she makes believe with her dolls, books, and other toys where she wouldn't before. She needed constant entertainment and now seems to need me less. So maybe it's just the age. My daughter also learned to play on Playhouse Disney and Nick Jr. when she was 3. I found she loved it and could do it by herself for 15 min.or so. This has become a great distraction for her while I make important phone calls etc...
I think things will get better, little kids just think we should play with them all the time. :)
Hey Nissa,
It's totally normal. My 3 and half year old son has had/still has the same trouble. I find that 'sending' him on errands helps - can you please put this in the garbage? Can you grab mommy this? Put this in the hamper etc.? I increasingly get more complicated tasks - like asking him to go through his toys and find a specific one. Sometimes just getting him out of the room and down the hall for five to ten minutes gives me some quick downtime.
H.
I'm guessing it is an only child thing. When you have two children, you have to care for the younger one so they older one learns how to play by him or herself. But when you have one, they have exclusive access to you and they don't see a reason to be by themselves. My son never played by himself. He had a playroom full of stuff but wouldn't go in there unless someone was with him. I think he was 4-1/2 or 5 before he voluntarily played by himself...but he was always asking to play with a friend. He even said "Mommy, you need to get me a friend to play with." When he was 5-1/2 we brought home a daughter and he has learned to play more by himself...often choosing to do so on his own. He needs breaks from the demands of a toddler.
Anyway, I have no advice to offer. I just did the best I could and survived it for 4 years or so. Incidentally, about the same time he started playing alone was when he also found a favorite stuffed animal to play with. Until then, I was his favorite thing...he never wanted anything or anyone but me. It makes me smile now...because as much as it could get exhausting, we have such a special relationship now. He is truly my little Sunshine!
FIRST I WANT TO SAY THAT YOU ARE DOING A TERRIFIC JOB!
My kids are now 15 & 19, but my adage when they were you was "LOVE THEM PROFUSELY, teach them right from wrong, & encourage them to become that which they were created to be & they will have nothing to rebel against" (So far so good)
However, it can be exhausting to be constantly investing!
Perhaps this will work with her. Use a timer, set it for 5 minutes, show it to her, then sit down to color with her. Before she knows it, the timer will go off. Perhaps repeat this a few times, so she can learn that 5 minutes isn't very long. Then explain that you need 5 minutes of undivided attention to make a phone call, finish the recipe, or what ever you need to do. As she gains a concept of time, you can lengthen it, to say 8 min, then 10 min. I would tell my kids, I am not available for the next 20, (whatever) and unless some crisis has occurred, or someone is bleeding, DO NOT INTERRUPT ME. Seems to me that as soon as I closed the door to use the toilet by myself, or tried to take a short nap, that someone needed something.
It is developmental, as another gal wrote. When a child is born, they do not know the difference of where "I stop & you start." Their whole universe revolves around them. It is a slow process as they begin to differentiate between her and you.
One of my favorite books, because it covered child development so well was DR SEARS: GUIDE TO CHRISTIAN PARENTING. He is a psychologist & a pediatrician. Even if you are not a Christian, the research & experience in this book about child rearing is amazing.
One of the premises that he teaches: A need met goes away, a need that goes unmet will go underground. Children have different stages that they go through. (we all know that) and that one builds upon the next. Everything we do with them is laying a foundation for the next step. When her need for connection is met, then she will begin to move towards autonomy. If a child needs attention, & they do not get it in positive ways, they will start misbehaving, because any attention is better than no attention. No worries, no parent is perfect & no child is perfect. Just separate out which is testing or defiance, & when it's a basic human need at the root. It sounds like you are doing a terrific job of meeting her needs, and when she is satiated, (all children have differing satiation points) she will move on.
If you can bear one more thought....
If you have a project that will take a couple of hours, invite a friend over for her to play with.
God Bless you,
A.
