Toddler Having Anxiety About Being in a Group Setting with Out Mom and Dad

Hello J.,

Have you ever thought of Mommy and Me classes? Call your local Adult Education center.
I started taking Mommy and Me swim classes too. Designed for you and child in a group
setting. Usually classes are not more than 10 kids for swimming. And, classmates usually live in the area for future play dates.

The Mommy and Me I went to was in Covina. They had play time, snack time, outside play and also a parent disscusion. Everyone was responsible for their own children, but it was nice to have parents watch eachother's children on the playground equipment, with parent not too far away. That way, you are 'near". Soon she will be more independent.

Classes are usually once or twice a week. I went on Fridays from 9am-12pm. Sounds like
a long time, but it went fast. The class even helped me potty train!

Mom's Club is the Best thing I ever did.... Playgroup is the best support you can get for yourself. And they have Mom's night out, so you get a BREAK.

Best of luck to you,
Mom of two boys, 10 and 8 years old...

hi J., Church is a great place to start. let the Sunday school teacher know what you are trying to do, and see if they would be willing to work with your son at least once, with out paging you, then when your service is over and you go get him, he will see, that mom and dad will always come back for him, it has to start somewhere. J.

There are some preschools that have the "long goodbye" where you are there with them and then you very gradually stop coming. Its as long of a process as your child needs. I think we expect a lot from our toddlers when in fact they are still very new to this world and some may need some extra parental attention.

Jen

Hi J.,

This isn't at all unusual, don't worry about it.

I don't know where you are, but Thousand Oaks has a WONDERFUL preschool called Horizon Hills where parents and caregivers are able to stay with their child as long as the child needs them to. With some kids, that's 20 minutes. With others, the adult may stay at school all 3 hours per day, all year. It's actually a course provided through Conejo valley Adult Education and they have lots of opportunities for the parents to learn too. It's a developmentally appropriate play-based curriculum.

If you are in the area, you could try doing two days a week. Maybe your husband or your nanny could take him on Tuesdays and you could take him on Thursdays. I know of several children whose nannies or au pairs bring them to school, some staying, some not.

Again, if you're in the area, call and see if you can check it out. We're only in session for a few more weeks. My son LOVES it here and I'm thrilled to have found it. I taught for 10 years before having my son and I know a good educational thing when I see it. If you're not in the area, I would recommend trying to find a similar program.

Good luck to you and your little guy!

M.

PS Talking with the Sunday School teachers is a good idea. Maybe you can work something out to help him.

Everyone is different, but my opinion is if he's not ready for pre-school, why push it? Many preschools allow fall (January) enrollment and maybe you need to wait for that. Get involved (if you're not already) with your local mom's club http://www.momsclub.org/ and start attending the park days, play dates, etc. Get your child exposed to different situations, people and children. The more things and people he's exposed to, with you along as security, the more confident he will become. Hopefully you can make friends with another mom, and leave your son at her house for a couple hours. This all builds self-confidence and maturity, and helps to prepare for pre-school. Keep in mind that EVERY child is different---some sail through life without any help and weather few storms, others need bailing buckets and lifeboats those first few years. Be your son's lifeboat and help him along. Also, look into a mommy's day out program---many churches offer them. Also, some parks & rec programs and adult ed programs (yes, adult ed!) offer pre-school readiness classes where mommy also attends. That would be ideal. Call your city and the surrounding cities to see if they offer those. They usually fill up really quickly, so you have to be johnny-on-the-spot to get into those. Check out the books at your local library--I bet they have some picture books about pre-school that you can read with your son. Good luck to you!

Hi J.,

You have described our situation from about one year ago. Our eldest daughter, now 4 1/2, had a LOT of anxiety separating from me, especially, and did not do well in group settings. This was the case even though I had her in music classes and in a long-term playgroup from an early age. I knew that her start to playschool last September would be a very anxious time for her (and me!!). We were very fortunate to find a wonderful playschool with a teacher who really understands different children's personalities. Her classroom is also an open one where parents are allowed to stay or drop-in and visit at any time. So I decided, with help from the teacher, that I would stay with my daughter for the first while until she became more comfortable at school. Then I would gradually leave earlier and earlier in the school routine. So I started by staying the whole time for the first month or so. Then I left at snack time (about 1 hr. 15 min's. into the 2 1/2 hour morning). My leaving was very difficult the first time, my daughter cried and screamed when I left the room and even tried to run after me. But before I left the school, I could hear that all was quiet in her classroom. I stayed close to the school the first few times I did this because I half expected the teacher to call and tell me to come back. But this never happened. In fact after the first 2-3 times of leaving, my daughter's teacher told me that she was settling in quite well. So by the end of November I was staying for the outside play time and then saying good-bye to her once the kids were all into the classroom. My heart goes out to you, J., because I know how difficult this kind of experience is. And I can also tell you, in retrospect, that this is probably one of the best things we have ever helped our daughter to do because she is much more self-confident and comfortable around other children now. She even has a couple of good friends in her class!! It's amazing what these little people can do but I know in our case, our daughter really needed the push from us to take this big step. And we decided to do it in this more gradual way. Sometimes now I wonder if she would have done as well if I had just left right from the beginning, she probably would have. Anyways, that's our story. I hope it helps and I wish you all the best in however you decide to handle the situation with your son--you will make the best decision for him! (Oh, the other thing I should say, is that I worked together very closely with the teacher through the transition times, and through the whole thing actually--she was very understanding and helpful and reassuring and that helped to calm my anxieties. Anyways, good luck!)

Hi J.,
Yes our son is very close to us. He always wants to do things with me and his dad. When our son starts pre-school, worst thing happened. My husband wants to cry everyday, looking at our son screaming. But after 2 weeks being in the school and new friends he's ok. It's a big adjustment for the child. I knew it hurst to see our child in this situation, but they have to learn.Just turn yourself away and don't look back. If he's with you, try to ease him with pre-school books, songs and games. This will help him develop an interest of going to school. Hopefuly this will help you.

Something that has really helped my daughter with the seperation anxiety for Sunday School and Preschool is having friends in the class or at least a familiar face. At Sunday School, we really tried to get to know the teachers and other families with children in class and with pre-school we had play dates outside of school. At your son's age, I recommend finding a pre-school that some of your firends with similar age kids attend.

I worked part-time and I have/had the clingiest kiddo (he's now 7 yrs. old.) You HAVE to get him in a part-time daycare---or mommy's day out--yes--the first few times he MAY cry it out--you HAVE to let that happen---we got to the point where he wasn't thrilled to be left--but 5 minutes after I was gone he'd forgotten about me. The church was a good idea--but they're not equipped to mentally deal with a kiddo that is going to cry it out the first few times. YES--it rips your heart out--but this beautiful little person needs to know that he'll be taken care of by someone other than mommy and daddy. We used a home daycare provider that had a lot of special needs experience--not that we needed that--but her patience level was incredible--and that helped loads!!! She really really helped the transition. We used her 2-3 times per week for about 3-4 hours per time. Then we hit pre-K--and that was yet another adjustment---it was hard--but after the first week life got a lot better. Your thoughts are in the right place--and I don't know if the church will let him just cry it out if you tell them to---or if they have a policy on that.
Good luck!

YES!!!!!!! My daughter cried every day at preschool when she was 3 1/2 and the teacher had to bodily remove her from me every day (she went 2 days a week). The next year, I decided to try something different, so I visited every preschool that I could find with my daughter. I talked to the staff, but mainly, I watched my daughter's reactions to the place. Mostly, she clung to my leg (she was 4 1/2 at this time) but there was one school where she ran from me and started to play. She talked to some of the other kids and she even talked to one of the teachers (almost unheard of, for her to talk to a strange adult). This was the preschool where I sent her. She cried for the first 2 weeks (this was 5 days a week at this preschool) but then, she was fine. She thrived. as for kindergarten... not a single tear or backwards glance!!

Let your son choose which school he wants to attend. It made a HUGE difference for us.

J.,

I would volunteer to stay and help the first few weeks (or your husband could also) then stay for only a little while the next weeks. This gives him a chance to get to know the other children and teacher (hopefully they stay the same) with you there. Once he has made a connection he may not care that you aren't there. It is worth a try. I also recommend you go every week and try to go to other activities at church so he gets to know even more people and children.

Evelyn

Dear J.:

You sound like a responsible Mom and a loving family. Your sone will be okay. You have created a home and work life that creates as much loving family time and security as possible. Bravo!

You will not traumatize him by putting him into a situation where is is with others...even if he thinks so just now.

You sound like YOU are unsure. If YOU are unsure..he will never settle.

Sunday school classes are not realy set up to manage these things. Decide what is best (look at the situation logically) and then tell him..."Im going out now and I will come back in a while. I will always come back. Have fun wth your friends.". Then do exactly what you said. Each time make it a little longer. He will eventually adjust.

Hi J.,

Some kids should not go to preschool until later. Your son might be one of those. My daughter was like that at 3 1/2 so I waited until 4 1/2 and she loved it. It gave her one year of preschool and then she was really ready for kindergarten. I think if you push it, your child will develop negative attitudes about school. Also, be prepared for the fact that a lot of boys aren't ready for kindergarten until they're about 6. That's another area where you shouldn't push them. The extra year gives them a lot more time to mature and their next 13+ years of school are made a lot easier by waiting.

V.

Hi J.,
My son is the same way! He will be 3 years old next month and cries when I mention school or teachers. We just started him at Scats gymnastics in Huntington. He is in the mommy and me class. There is a teacher there, but daddy is there too so he can be around a teacher, but also around a parent.
I know that one day when he starts school he will FREAK out so I am also looking into having a sitter once in a while. We are going to have a girl come over twice a week and be kind of like a mommies helper and then hopefully, eventually we can leave him with her and my husband and I can go and do things. I think all of this will ease him into being away from mommy and daddy and get him ready for school.
I don't know if any of this helps...I am hoping that it will help my son. I am also nervous that school will cause him stress and I want him to have a positive experience.
Good luck!

My three children had similar anxieties. I found a parent and me group that had a transition program. This meant that half of the year we sat with the teacher and sang songs and participated in activities with our children. After 2-3 months the teacher sent us out of the room for longer and longer amounts of time (first a half hour, than an hour etc.). By January we were leaving the kids for 2-3 hours with the Parent and Me teacher and this helped my children transition smoothly. (of course it is always an adjustment when you separate but knowing that we would always come back helped.)

J.,

BOTH my boys (now 10 and 16, and very normal, happy, adjusted guys) had a hard time separating from us, me, especially. Boys just do, sometimes. They don't cope as well as girls do, for some reason. Plan on putting in extra time doing preschool transition, and kindergarten might start a little rocky, too. I just volunteered in Sunday school, so that I was there when he was there, trading off with my husband so we could both get to church, too, just not at the same service. There's nothing wrong with your son. And he will finally get used to separating, but possibly not until pre-school, or maybe even kindergarten. It will not permanently scar him, however. Good luck, and don't stress! he'll be fine.

Dear J.,

My question to you is why is he "approaching the time to start pre-school?" My kids are older, but they never went to pre-school - and did just fine in kindergarten. One thing we did was Mommy and Me (I went for SEVEN years, from the time my oldest was 2 1/2, until my "baby" started kindergarten) - maybe this is something you could do to get him used to going to school gradually (with you there) - there is "rug time," snack time, play time (for the kids) during discussion time (for the moms - on relevant topics), craft time, and story time. My son had no interest in crafts, and the year before he started kindergarten, I told him he had to do what it was time to do - like he would have to do in kindergarten - but I told him he could pick one of the two crafts, and he could pick who to give it to -one of his grandparents, and aunt or uncle, etc . . . I wouldn't push it otherwise - some kids just aren't ready, even when it's time to start kindergarten - but he may need that extra year and a half to be able to separate from you for that length of time . . .

Good luck!
B.

I had the same issue with my daughter, also 3 1/2, when it was time for her to start preschool. From birth she was a very clingly baby - a definite "mama's girl." What worked for us was just talking to her about all the fun things she would get to do at school (play with new friends, paint, sing, etc.). It didn't stop her from crying when we dropped her off, but after about two weeks she was willingly going. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. It was heartbreaking for me to think about my precious little angel being upset and crying for me, but I knew she was in excellent hands and I trusted her teachers to give her the extra attention she needed (which they did). I cried many tears myself because, like any mom, I never want to see my baby upset. But the reality of the situation was that she needed to start school. Kids are amazingly resiliant and adaptable. Just give your son lots of love and attention when you're together and he will eventually feel more confident being on his own. Also, I gave my daughter a family picture to keep with her during school so she could look at it if she missed us and I gave her a lipstick kiss on the back of her hand every morning when I dropped her off. That gave her a lot of comfort. She doesn't need either of these anymore. In fact, now she RUNS to her classroom door every morning!

Best of luck to you and your precious little boy!!

In a similar situation, I stayed with my daughter - it happened to be a new school, and she wanted to go, but not by herself. Other kids her age are usually fine with going by themselves, but I don't judge my kids by what the other kids do, and she said she wanted me to stay with her the whole time she was there. So i brought a good book, prepared to stay all day, and in less than an hour she came over and told me that not only I COULD leave, but that I SHOULD leave! And she was fine after that. They just want to know they are safe, in a new situation, like we all do. If we do what we need to to help them get to the FEELING of that safety, then that usually takes over from there.

My 3 1/2yr old did the same thing. I talked to the teachers so that they were aware of the situation. Then I talked to my son, and finally when it came to leaving, I said my goodbye's and left quickly. The longer I stayed, the worse it was for him. I've only been called once to come and get him from preschool. And up until this week, I've left him crying every time. But finally, after a month and a half, he is happy to go to school and looks forward to it. When he did cry, he only cried for about 15 min. and then was fine.
Kids adjust quickly, as long as you're consistant in taking him and not staying too long, your son will be fine and hopefully will start to enjoy himself.