Toddler (2 1/2) challenges~CALLING ALL MOMS of STRONG WILLED ONES....

Hi J.,
It sounds like you have quite a challenge! I think it is good that you recognize that being around other moms would help. I have my Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology and have just opened a practice in Greenbelt, Maryland. I'm starting up a group called "Making Meaning out of Motherhood" for mothers with similar issues. Are you in the area?
Best, C. Lorente

What is a "swat"? Do you mean spanking/hitting? This may sound harsh but of course he's going to think that hitting you when you do something he doesn't want you to do/he doesn't get his way is how he should act if that is what his parents do to him. This would totally explain him hitting you even after you "swat" him. My child is also 2 1/2 and VERY spirited, and strong willed. She has been characterized by people as "knowing her mind." She certainly throws her share of tantrums, bad and loud ones. She has hit me and thrown things when she's angry. But truthfully I have NEVER met a child in her age group that does not, so you are not alone there. You probably aren't raising a tyrant, don't worry. They are just testing boundaries - think about it - they have soooo many. It's all they have really, somebody or group of people controlling every single thing about their life. My suggestion is to try time - out some more (that actually does work for us with persistance and consistency. No anger when applying it. Give them a warning first. At eye level and calm when sitting them down and explaining why they're there, then again when they get up and NO eye contact or talking when you put him back each time he gets up, which he undoubtedly will... over and over and over.) If you try this consistently for a few weeks and it doesn't work try no awknowledgement of the behavior at all. He will soon see that he cannot control your reactions and get what he wants from that type of behavior. Also give him a little bit more control in his life, small things of course. Which cup he uses. Does he want carrots or green beans? Which book? Let him make a lot of choices that don't hurt him. Good luck.
S.

Hi J.,

I'm a mom of a 5 month old, but also a pre-k teacher who has alot of experience with these lovely behaviors. The most helpful thing to do is find out why your little guy is engaging in hitting and throwing. I'm guessing it's most likely because he wants attention or isn't getting his way. So, for example, if he wants your attention, you really need to block his hits or throwing without giving him any eye contact or verbal instructions (called block & ignore). I know this may sound crazy, but after doing this several times (it usually gets worse before it gets better) he will learn that the behavior no longer meets his needs and will stop doing it.
Also, increase your praise and rewards when he is behaving appropriately - this will teach him the appropriate way to get positive attention.

Unfortunately - althought time outs and an occasionally swat on the butt may seem affective - they actually end up giving attention (all be it negative) to the behaviors and reinforcing them.

Try your best to catch him being good and give him verbal praise - "I love the way you are cleaning up your toys!"
Also, instead of telling him what not to do (i.e., "no climbing") tell him what to do ("keep your feet on the floor").

Anyway - I know that all of these things are easier said than done, but it's worth a shot!

Hang in there. 2 1/2 is an age when kids, especially the smart ones, are in overdrive. They are learning learning and learning. Keep feeding them information. Get 'smart toys' to challenge him. Surround him with people of quality. I took mine swimming at a youth center, joined a movie club, etc. Funny how all these fun activities have rules and he will learn quickly how to act/react -- again because he is very smart. That's part of his frustration. Sounds like he is very intelligent and wants to keep going. Good for him. Also sounds like he is also strong willed. Very good character trait. Again, hang in there mom.

I hear ya! I have quite a strong willed one too. He can be so wonderful and yet fights me on control of EVERYTHING. I can tell you things have been slowly getting better with age. Consistency is soo hard with this personality but if you can stcik with the 123 and time out it should improve. Hopefully you to will turn the corner. We tried it all, calm talking,yelling, swatting and he would just immitate whatever we did so physical punishment was not an option. My son turns 3 inthe end of April and we are currently engaging in potty wars. He no longer fits in a size 7 diaper so we HAVE to potty train and he is not giving that up either. I try to give him a lot of choice about silly things(clothes, food, toys etc) and limit the absolutes to negative behavior. I know it can be really frustrating. I have also hired someone to watch my son 1 day a week who is completely on board with my parenting style. Having a day all to myself away from him helps give me the energy to deal with him the rest of the days. Otherwise I lose my patience and it all goes down hill once he sees me crack. Its like a hostile corporate takeover:) Also he behaves so much better for her- it gives me hope. I think its hard for only kids. Hopefully playgroups, school etc will help also. Hang in there it sounds like you are really doing a great job with a tough situation

My son was similar to this and I thought, I'm going to have such a violent angry teenager. No, it's really is a 2 year phase that can be helped if you are firm and repetitive, then in between loving. I love watching SuperNanny. One of the ideas from it that we picked up was the Naughty Corner. It's like timeout but a little more structured. You can netflicks the past shows or here's what we've done. You give them a warning, "Hitting hurts people. That is not acceptable. If you do that again, you will go to the Naughty Corner." The Naughty Corner is a place on the floor by the wall in your house. We disignate a few spots per floor of our house. SuperNanny also has used stairs. Anyways, if the action repeats, you say "You are now going to the naughty corner" You place them firmly but gently in teh Naughty Corner and get down on their level and say, "You are now in the naughty corner for ...." That is not acceptable. You will stay there until I come and get you. You set a timer (stove works good) for one minute for their age. (Of course they don't stay there, they kick and scream and hit the floor with their feet.) This you ignore and of course choose a spot away from toys :) If they move from the spot, you pick them up and put them back, repeatedly until they understand you are not giving up. It could take a while... maybe even multiple times in the Naughty Corner. If they do something while in the naughty corner, you go up to them and say, "..... was not acceptable behavior. You are in the naughty corner again for hitting or throwing...." Set the timer. Tell them when the timer beeps they will be done.
When the timer finally beeps, you get down on their level and say "Why are you in the Naughty Corner? What did you do wrong?" They need to tell you or they should in the naughty corner. Tell them to say sorry and give you a hug. And warn them the next time they..... they will have to go to the naughty corner.
I also limit TV time especially early in the morning, because it seemed to make my son more rebellious and angry, even after watching mellow shows like Clifford.
I wrote down a few ideas of play time things to do together. I listed the toy types in our home and made a schedule for us one toy area a day that I would sit down and play with those toys. I wouldn't expect him to play with me, I would make up stories and have the toys talking to each other and pretend like he wasn't there. Eventually I saw my children playing more imaginatively with toys and less throwing fighting, etc. with their toys. Then when buddies come to play at play dates or at playgroups, they know what to do with the toys besides just move them in large movements and use their large motor skills. They will use their imaginations instead. One time I sat down with the blocks and just started building and made myself a castle and got a few little toys and made a fun story for the toys to act. My oldest son was copying me an hour later while I was doing dishes and now they play and make up stories all the time. When they are playing rough again I remind them that those friends won't want to play with them if they are hurtful.
I hope this helps. :) I'm sure you are doing a great job!!

I feel your pain! I have two wonderful children as well, but my son is very spirited. I think a very good book is "Raising Your Spirited Child" and this gives some good insight as to why they do the things they do. My son is also very physical even with his little sister who is also somewhat spirited. Do his tantrums seem to be related to the same things or just everything? Is it because he needs more structure or routine?? Is he the type of kid that is very over stimulated sensory wise?? Are you working full time right now? If so he may be needing more mommy time and just stressed out as well. I know my son had MANY more problems the longer hours I worked. Now that I am not working we still have our issues, but they don't seem as big. Often a child this young has such tantrums and issues because of communication. Is he using age appropriate language (verbally & understanding)?? This might be increasing his frustration level quite a bit if he can't communicate with you how he should be able to. Just a thought. If you have questions you can contact me. I have some insight into the matter having 2 spirited or strong willed children and I am a pediatric Occupational Therapist that has worked with MANY strong willed children.

No offense but why when you hit him is it called a swat and when he does it to you it's hitting?
He can't and won't learn that hitting is wrong if the person he looks up to and follows the example of is doing it to him.
2 1/2 is a tough age, make sure you get down to eye level with him and make sure he makes eye contact with you when you talk to him and keep your voice firm " no we don't hit" "no we don't throw our toys like that". Persist with 2 minute timeouts and keep putting him back in the chair/corner etc. until the time is up. He will fight it but after the 50th time (poor you) he's likely to realise you mean business. Consistency is the key, you can't do it today and not be willing to do the same thing tomorrow. Being firm and staying calm is so effective. If he sees you are rattled he is likely to act out more. I've been working with this age group for nearly 20 years now and some are definately more challenging than others. Good Luck!

I too have a very strong-willed child!!! She is now 7. I have been to pediatricians, behaviorists and also read The Stong-Will Child!! Here is what I have learned: (1) it is important to give her choices so that she feels she also has some control; (2) "swatting" only taught her to swat back when frustrated or angered; (3) she is strong enough to shy away from peer pressure, this is good!; (4) sometimes take a deep breath and leave the room; (5)when I get super frustrated (often) I send her to her room where I had to reverse the doorknob or she would lock ME out; (6) teach consequences for not listening such as telling once, a warning, then no tv or whatever and leave it at that. I have also had to learned how not to fall into her trap of heated arguments. Now I simply refuse (most of the time) to "get into it" with her. I just tell her the conversation is over. Hard to do with your son at his age! I can tell you that your son's behavior is normal at his age, strong-willed or not. Try to be patient and see the good in your son and the upside of having a mind of his own. Easier said than done, but you're not alone. Good luck!:)

Hi - I feel for you in dealing with this type of behavior. I sense that he is getting older and needing more control of his little life. He also might be trying to get more of your attention. Try to think in terms of "working with" him instead of controlling him with time out or a swat. Also, try spending at least 15 minutes a day with him, where he gets to choose whatever he wants to do. All you do is provide a running commentary on what he does so he knows you're paying undivided attention to him. It's amazing what this "special" time will do.

Give him little choices whenever possible...i.e., do you want the blue cup or yellow cup?"

I am a big believer in time out but try to always give a warning (except teach him that stuff like running away from you or hitting is an automatic time-out)..."This is your warning...if your stuff isn't put away when the timer goes off, it's a time-out". Try to be very matter of fact. The tantrums may continue if he gets a strong emotional reaction from you. Good luck!

I am so glad you are reading about this in your book. I think that is great. As a mother of boys, I always say boys are happiest when they have had a lot of exercise and been outside. So my question is...does your son get to play outside a lot and release some of that frustration? I think a lot of throwing/hitting is a result of energy with no where to go. At least with my son, I know when he feels that way he is either tired or hasn't been outside and played a lot that day. I tell him it is ok to hit the pillow or bed but not people, animals, etc. I guess what I am trying to say is evaluate your son's whole day and try to understand why he would react/behave that way. Does he need to "defend" himself in daycare? Do other children hit him? Does he see this in daycare? I don't know if this is helpful but I do know boys and the more exercise and outdoor time they get, the happier they are.

Hi! I can certainly empathize, as my 3 1/2 year old daughter is strong-willed as well. However, as we seem to have just cleared several hurdles in her behavior recently, I'll offer what has worked for us so far, understanding that parents and kids are all different: I try to figure out what she really wants/needs, then teach her an APPROPRIATE way to get it, or if it's something she can't have, give her some kind of coping strategy for dealing with her frustration. For instance, she was terrible about hitting her new baby brother whenever he cried, and sometimes me. Of course, his crying stressed her out and took all my attention; I also think she took it personally. My response was to immediately send her to her room (I don't care if she plays in there--it's a time out for me to calm down, to give her brother a break, and to give her a break from his crying--if you think about it, it's the same thing that would happen to an adult who can't handle behaving appropriately around people for whatever reason). After a decent interval of time (depending on everyone's mood, quite frankly), I'd go ask her if she's ready to be gentle to her brother and apologize to him (and/or me). After that's all done, and this is the important part, I try to find something she can do WITH her brother under my supervision (pattycake, tickle toes, sing to him, etc.) so that she has a replacement behavior--a way to interact with him that's okay. I'll be honest, it took a long time to see results, but we did finally. Sometimes, if she was acting like she was in a "hitting mood," I'd try to head off her outburst by encouraging her to hit the couch pillows as hard as she could--we made a game out of it, and it helped her work out her frustration about the crying.
I'm a big fan of Madelyn Swift, whom I heard speak once and then I read one of her books. She's a pain to read, but there's good advice in there. Good luck with your little one, and hang in there! I'll be asking you for advice on mine next month probably...

J.--

I hear your concern. 2 1/2 year olds can be challenging-- parenting in general is challenging. I would like to recommend a book titled Parenting with Love and Logic. This book offers a lot of practical tips and techniques to use. For example, it is natural for him to have fits (just as we adults get irritated when we don't get our way). However, he must have his fit in his room (thus being away from you and others that may give him attention during these episodes). I have used this technique with my two children and found it to be effective. I found that their fits usually didn't last long once I placed them in their rooms because they desire to be around the other family members and learn to settle down quickly so they can join the family again. And that is one of the key points--they can not come out of their room until they are settled down. I would tell my boys that it is okay to be angry or upset, but they must have their fit where it does not distract the household. Now my kids are 5 and 7 years, and they will say on their own that they need time alone in their room to work through some emotions.

It is okay for you as a mom to take a "time-out" when you need it. That shows your child how to effectively handle emotions and regroup.

Good Luck!

The main thing is consistency. IF you are going to do time out be consitent because if he fills that he can get you to give in to it then he has won. As long as it is not something that is dangerous then ignore the behavior.

I scrapbook at well. Maybe we can scrap together sometimes

L.

Have you read the book Tales from the Baby Whisperer? It has some great ideas with strong willed children. I found that consistency is key. When mine were little there were several times we left stores, playdates, etc. because of bad behavior. After a while they get it. My pediatrician told me to take her out of the store, go into the car (I always kept a book or magazine with me for this purpose), put her in her seat and let her scream it out without any reaction from you. When you react they are getting what they want. When she was finished her hysteria I would tell her that she was not allowed to behave that way and that we wouldn't go back in unless she calmed down. For my daughter it only took 2 or 3 times before she would respond to the statement "Do we need to leave?"

By the way...I am a huge scrapbooker and am looking for a scrapbooking buddy here. I used to live in Fred. Co and I have a group in Mt. Airy that I meet up with but I don't always make it to that because of the distance. Maybe we could meet up to work on our albums. I have 2 girls 7 and 8 that would play babysitter (with us in the house of course) while we worked. Interested?