To Try for a Third Child or Not

Hi AW!

Welcome to the forum! I hope that you are enjoying Mamasource, I have had some really great responses from the ladies here. I wanted to respond from my personal experience. I have 1 brother younger than I .. by 10 years. We are pretty close, and I adored him growing up. He has had a different life than I did simply because he was the last and in a way an only child, but neither of us have problems with the gap. My parents hoped for many kids (they say six, then they say that the 2 they had seems like a dozen lol ) and it was not Gods plan so they had two and love each of us abundantly. While I always wanted a baby to play with growing up.. I had my mom and dad, and we are super close because of the time I had getting to know them and they were able to spend getting to know me.

Fast forward to my adult life, I have three girls, my husband and I truely wanted six of our own, and then to adopt perhaps a couple more. We have had no problems getting pregnant, (I was told I wouldn't be able to have children so the fact that we had a pregnancy on birth control, three months into our marriage was something else!) My girls are 3 (as of a couple of weeks ago), 1.5 and a 1 month old. With this last pregnancy I developed blood clots in my lungs, and they determined they were pregnancy induced. I had to have a second c-section had hoped for a vbac with this one, and literally just about died on the operating table as they began the section.. due to the anesthesia. With my other two pregnancies, there were difficulties, but not complications, and certainly nothing that put me in the high risk category. Now, since the Pulmonary Embolisms showed up with this preg. I am considered high risk with any future pregs. I made the decision with my husband that we will adopt any future children. While my girls love babies, and we want to expand the family we feel that it is important to expand the family NOT replace the mother with a new baby. It is a harsh way to say it, but in our situation it is a realistic view. My best advice, do what is best for your family that you have now, wait on God, and be happy with what He allows and gives you in life.. His plan truely is the best way to go anyway! I wish you all the best in this time of tough decisions, trust me .. I know what it is like to have to weigh options and make decisions that effect so many people in a drastic way! Take care!
K.

Yes, it's personal, but since you asked: If you re-read your own posting as objectively as possible, as if you're reading a stranger's posting, do you see the red flags?
--"It's as if they're singletons...it would enrich their childhoods..." Should you have another child for the sake of your two existing children? Is that fair to that new child?
--"Not that I'm wanting the baby stage again." But you'd get it anyway. How jealous will your other kids be? Will they really buy into "We have this baby so you can have a sibling!" when they see the baby taking up your time and energy just as your son reaches the age he wants you to watch him play soccer or your daughter hits the age where she's dealing with teenage stress and peer pressures?
--"I worry that my husband wouldn't do his part to help out." Isn't that a deal-breaker? If he's not on board to the point he will do far more than just "help out," for years and years to come and not just during the "baby phase," you'd be taking on all the work of a new baby, then a toddler, etc., all by yourself.
--"This isn't including any return to career questions." You have one child who's 4 now; you could possibly return to work in a year or two when he's in kindergarten or first grade. If you have another baby soon, figure on at the very least another seven years (nearly one year of pregnancy, six before school starts) before you could return to work, if that's what you want to do eventually.... These are just some thoughts I had, reading the posting as a third party. I'd just enjoy the children I have and look to increase involvement in their lives and activities.

Feel blessed for what you have. Reading your question I see a lot of negatives and reasons not to do it again. If you are worried that you husband wouldn't help or do his part says that there may be some marital issues that need to be resolved and having another child won't do that. Sit and REALLY think of why you would want another child. It sounds like you went through a lot and shouldn't push it. Enjoy what you have, surrond your children with love, family and friends (not siblings). Good Luck!

This is a decision that you and your husband must decide on and it's your life that will be affected. I agree with the other ladies in regards to the fact that it would be too demanding on your body and you are at higher risks now. I also understand your point of having a sibling to grow up with your child, I too believe this is important. My son is 18 months and I am currently 5.5 months pregnant. Have you considered adoption? I know it's expensive, but I think that it is also a blessing, which far outweighs the financial aspect, not only to you as a family, but to that child. It's an opportunity to impact their life and change it forever. It's giving them a chance where nobody else did. I know many people that have been adopted and their families and they are truly special people. As you can see I have a heart for adoption. We haven't adopted a child yet, but plan to in the future and are currently supporting 4 children in Guatemala. Remember that whatever decision you make, it will stay with you for the rest of your life. I wish you and your husband all the wisdom.

AW,
If you already have concerns regarding your husband's participation, that should be high on your warning bell list! It's hard enough to have an extra young child at home without having to carry the whole load. Volunteer at child based foundations to get your baby fix and give your 2 children the rest of your love/attention. I, too, have an only child (3.5yo) and question what her life will be like without siblings (my husband and I both had 2), but honestly, we make out family as we go on in life. I'm close to my family, but my best friends in life are "chosen" family! I'm even closer to a cousin 15 years my junior, so as your kids get older, they may form closer bonds than your think. Sounds like you've got many reasons to be thankful. Good luck with your decision! K.

We have 3 children & 1 on the way. Our children are close in age. My first 2 are 14 mos apart, then a gap of just over 2 yrs, and then the next 2 children will be about 13 mos apart. The only reason, I believe, that there was such a large gap between 2 & 3 is because I had an IUD. I too believe that children are blessed gifts to us, brought to us by God. I felt so guilty when I had the IUD, that I had it removed, and 1 week later was pregnant with my 3rd child (doctors were surprised that I was "pregnant" for 1 week while I had the IUD in). I now, more than ever, believe in letting God choose if we are to have more children. Kinda like the traditional catholic beliefs, although I am not catholic. I do not know how spiritual you are, but if you are Christian, then maybe let God decide for you. If He wants you to have more children, then you will. Good luck & God bless!

I have 2 sons, 10 years apart in age. Not the plan, just the way things worked out. I've always joked that I have 2 only children. Technically they are half brothers, but they don't make the distinction. There is an advantage to the age gap, I feel like I've been able to spend some really wonderful time with each of them. My youngest is now a teenager.

Keep your health foremost in your mind as you make this big decision. Kids will turn out just fine, but they need a healthy mom to guide them.

Best of luck to you
T.

When you prayed, what did God say?

I'm not sure what the answer could be. It's up to you of course. However, my brother and I are 8 years apart (me being the oldest). I will say that he was a pain in the butt little brother and we never really played together. We did turn out fine though and we are closer now then we were when we were young. (I'm 28 and he's 21) Don't have another one just because you want a friend for him. He'll be just fine and have all the friends and social interactions that he needs from school etc. Children adapt really well and he's not missing anything. Just love them both and everything will turn out fine in the end. Don't risk your health or any future baby's (increased risk of down's syndrome etc) just to try and make your child happier. I'm sure he already is :)

Hi A.,
What does your husband think about having a third child? You're right, it is a very personal question. No one can tell you what to do but maybe we (on this site) can just give you things to consider.
Is your husband in it for the long haul if you need to use fertility methods?
Will the hormone ups/downs and possible bed rest prevent you from giving the same care to your other children and if so, are you ready for that sacrifice?
I don't know much about the injury you described with your muscles, but could another pregnancy further weaken your injury for the long-term?
I totally understand your reason and desire for a third. I was blessed enough to be able to 'plan' my kids ages. I wish you the best of luck with what ever choice you make!

Seems to me if you got pregnant tomorrow there would still be five years between the children, not a big help really as you would then have three children to bring up as singles. It also doesn't sound like your health would take it.

I was an only child and had a great childhood. I could pick my friends and not have to live with someone I might not like. Kids don't necessarily like each other just because they are siblings.

If you want another child for yourself that is something you have to take up with your husband, but don't think you need another child for your children, they don't need it. They may even resent having to share you a bit more. Children are essentially self absorbed. Your son will have plenty of enrichment at school and with friends.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

I understand the desire to have more children. I have 3 and would love to have another! However, you say you want a 3rd so your son isn't an "only child". Well there would be 5 years between them if you got pregnant now. And you mentiond fertility drugs. How soon do you think you will get pregnant. A year? That will make them 6 years apart. Not much different than 8. And what if you ended up with multiples? Would that be an issue? Especially since you don't think your husband is on board to help out? And you had complications with your last pregnancy. What are the chances of that happening again?
I really believe that a housefull of kids is wonderful and it CAN(not always) "enrich" your lives. But more children doesn't equal more happiness. You have a great family the way it is and with all that is at risk, do you want to jeopardise what you have? And if you are doing it because of the age gap, well, the gap is already there.
Gook luck with your decision. Maybe pray and let God take over in the decision making.

Have you considered adopting or fostering? You get the ability to expand your family, choose the age/gender of the kid in some cases, and not have to worry about a high risk pregnancy. Here is the link to the Virginia Dept. of Child Services if you're interested.
http://www.dss.state.va.us/
M.

My sister and I are 8yrs apart. We were very much like two only children. We have a happy relationship and I (the oldest) always doted on her. We are both well-adjusted normal (okay, so maybe not totally normal) adults.

If you had such a hard pregnancy, why not just enjoy your children? Why set yourself up for a myriad of problems. AND if you spouse isn't going to help, you will be miserable.

Enjoy the two you have.
LBC

Just wanted to share with you that my husband and his brother are eight years apart and are very close, even though they live on opposite coasts. They are actually half brothers although they never say that because that's not the way they feel. They talk a lot and ask each other for advice and that kind of thing now that they are adults. Your children will likely end up the same way. Good luck!

Hi A W,

So many children are in need of someone to care.

Have you thought about volunteering as a CASA volunteer. (Court Appointed Special Advocate) in your community.

It will give you a chance to help another child and have some time for yourself.

Call your local court services unit and inquire.

Hope this helps. D.

So because your question is so personal I feel like I can respond in this way. This is very personal as well but I truly believe that we should only replace in this world our selves and our partners. So I don't think we should have more then two children. And even though this might sound cheesy, there are too many hungry children in this world and too many problems with our planet. We need to be very careful not to screw up everything more for our children's generation and over populate the planet which in tern will mean more starvation and a destroyed planet. I honestly don't believe anyone should have more then two children.
There is nothing wrong with feeling like an only child. Only children are much closer with there parents then in multiple children families. And a lot of time they achieve much more in there education because you as the parent can focus on just them. I would highly recommend not having anymore. It is so exhausting even at a young age and it does take forever to be able to go back to your own life and work. I say if you desperately want more you should adopt.
Good Luck

Your family is always complete no matter how big or small. Did you ever watch Barney with your son - there is an episode where the kids dress up like their families and it explains how every family is special growing up with brothers and sisters or even with grandma. Ok I know that is corney.... Well, only you can make the choice to have abother child or not. Make sure you are ready for all of the baby stuff again and you should talk to your husband and doctor about it. Good luck in what ever your choices are.

I am 27 and have a 2 year old - as she grows up (faster and faster every day) I think of having another one - like it would be easier this time and if she is my only child I feel like i am closing the doors to a very important part of my life. I am going to take it one day at a time and I suggest you do too. You are a great mom and if you have another I wish you well.