To Throw or Not to Throw (A Surprise Party)???

I have learned in situations like this, to invite everyone.

You are all adults. If they are graciously invited and agree to attend, you have 90% guarantee this group will have a good time.

If we had to second guess people that we are friends , coworkers acquaintances with, we would never get anythibg done.

FYI, this husband is sweet to want to do this for his wife, you are a dear to make it happen. Do not second guess him, honor his request with good intensions, they will both appreciate it.

I figure the more the merrier at a surprise party. I'd invite all of the above. She can deal with this person for an evening. What adult doesn't "like" someone anyway? I can't think of one person I couldn't handle being around for an evening. Am I way too tolerant? Maybe so. Now I'm intrigued.

I wouldn't do the "a friend is doing a surprise party" thing... Too obvious. This is what I'd do if I felt inclined to help the husband out. I'd tell Suzy that since you're assuming she will probably be busy celebrating with her hubby and kids on her actual birthdate, you were thinking of getting a big group together for lunch, dinner, drinks, whatever the weekend following her bday(just choose a date that is AFTER the real party) and you wanted to know who she'd like you to include. I'd really caution against the hubby hiring a stripper, especially if any of her coworkers, boss, etc will be in attendance... Last thing you want is someone uncomfortable at their own celebration!

Why not just say...hey your big birthday is coming up. What do you want to do to celebrate? Then see where the conversation leads from there.

Personally, I am really not a fan of surprise parties but my husband and best friend already knows this.

Her hubby is in charge so what he says goes. Invite who you truly feel she would want to attend and if someone has hurt feelings for being left out its really a case of too bad so sad. People shouldn't be talking about getting invited to a party in front of others anyway. That's something we teach young children.

So unless you get your friend's hubby's ok on this keep your mouth shut and just help him get things together.

i think you're over-thinking it.
if you and the husband want it to be an intimate little party with only the besties, then don't invite the marginal folks. if their feelings get hurt, that's their dealio. all you have to say (if anything- i don't feel i owe people explanations for my social schedule) is 'we had a very restricted guest list, sorry! there just wasn't room to invite everyone we wanted.'
if it's going to be a biggish party, then invite everyone in the group. i really doubt your bestie's good time is going to be ruined because of the presence of one or two marginals (if that's the case, what does she do in the 'group'? all groups have a few who aren't close, adults learn to deal with it graciously.)
surprise parties are a huge PITA, but since this is what her husband wants to do, i'm very taken aback that you're thinking of circumventing him and telling her about it. whatever you choose, i suggest you take THAT option off the table.
khairete
S.

Hubby should be the one providing the guest list.

Doesn't he know his wife's friends?

Maybe he does know about her friends in general but doesn't know about the "group" drama of who doesn't like whom and he's figuring that's why he'll let you handle the guest list. Easy for him, dilemma for you. If he is unwilling to do the guest list, I'd tell him that wife is "Not super close to some in our circle of friends but I'm going to invite the entire circle of friends because I can't make that call for her, or for you." You are not a mind reader.

Unless your friend/his wife really dislikes certain people in a way that would mean she finds an entire, large occasion with many other guests spoiled by that one person's inclusion -- just invite the whole group.

Is husband giving you ANY guest list? There may be friends of hers you don't even know, even though she's your best friend. She may have friends from before she met you, or friends she knows through her husband's work or her own work, or friends from things she does outside your social circle (friends at church? at her kids' schools? etc.). You shouldn't be expected to know everyone she might like to see there. Maybe husband is helping with some names--I sure hope so.

I hope the male stripper suggestion was a joke....

Talk to him. You are her best friend, right? So I would talk to him about the guest list before you talk to her.

If she is introverted, it might be a one-two punch to have a big party that is also a surprise. If that is the case, you should discuss with him if this is what she would want or if she'd rather a nice dinner for two and you'll babysit?

Tell the husband and maybe do dinner out for about 10 ppl.

Some people are not receptive to surprise parties and hate them. I'm one if those people.

Is she the type that would be ok with a surprise party? Of course you do not tell her about it if you ever want to remain friends with her hubby.

It sounds like your "group" dynamics may not meet her expectations if there are people in the "group" who are disliked and might not be aware that she doesn't like them.

It's completely hubby's call but the potential adult drama sounds like a train wreck.

I would suggest to hubby that just the closest couples go to a very special dinner somewhere so she is not around people she doesn't like in her group.

Hopefully things will work out and it will be a success.

You certainly DON'T have to tell her about the surprise party to get her opinion of this situation. Why can't you bring up the topic in a conversation about a "friend" without naming names or attribute the situation to a website or blog post you read. Conversation could go something like this:

Hey girl. I just read a post on a blog I read occassionally. A wife is throwing her husband a surprise party and enlisted the help of her husband's bestfriend. She provided him with a list of names to invite, however; there is one name on the list the best friend is pretty certain her husband wouldn't want there. The question was what to you. What would you do under these circumstances.

When she answers you, you will have the answer you need as to what to do. You didn't reveal it was a party for her and you didn't tip your hand. The party could also be changed from a surprise birthday party to a surprise wedding shower or a surprise baby shower. Changing the people involved and the type of party could be helpful to throw her off.

I hope this helps. You don't need to tip your hand to get information. Party on.

Invite whomever you and her hubby agree on.
I really wouldn't be upset if I told you someone annoyed me in our circle and then the person was at my suprise party. I'd be too busy for said person to annoy me anyway.
I really wouldn't stress at all. She's getting a fantastic party with a bunch of people who care about her are going to show up to.

I would NOT tell her just to get a guest list. I would talk to the husband and tell him your concerns. If it were me, I would make it a set number of people, say, 30-40 depending on your circle of friends. That way, if the ones she doesn't like doesn't get invited, you can always fall back on, well, we could only have 30 people so her husband decided to invite only her closest friends. Either that, or invite so many people. she won't have to barely acknowledge the couple she doesn't care for and can hang with the other ones that are there. I do this with one person in particular at church. We just do.not.click. So I say Hi to her in passing but never sit next to her or put myself where I would be stuck next to her. LOL But of course I would be nice to her if I ended up in that position. At the ripe age of 40, your friend should be mature enough to know that your immediate circle of friends should be included. She should also be old enough that you don't have to be friends with people if you don't want to be. Same for you. I would rather have a couple very close friends than a roomful of people who are casual friends, some being ones I don't really care for. JMO. Good luck!

The husband needs to take charge of this - if he wants the RSVPs to come to you so the birthday girl doesn't see them, that's one thing. But he absolutely should know her better than anyone, and he should know what's up with the friends. I'm not sure why there's someone in "the group" that she doesn't like - it's time for someone to draw a line in the stand about social engagements with people you don't like. But the husband has to take on the invitations so it's not your fault about who gets invited or not.

I think her husband needs to decide that he is giving her a small dinner party with just a few couples that he knows she likes, and not make it a big party of 40 people that leaves out just 1 person who's a pain. Part of the problem with bringing up kids who are taught they need to invite the whole class is that they grow up and are afraid to make a decision about who they want to party with. The husband needs to face facts here.

Your job is to be the support system for him and maybe field the RSVPs, and maybe help plan the menu or buy the paper goods. I'm not sure how he's planning to surprise her and bring in the food - is it at someone's house (his? yours?) or at a restaurant?

I think he really better know his wife and all her friends really well before he hires a stripper. I've seen too many parties with people cringing about this. If he's inviting people from her job or his, that's a huge no-no. Is he doing it because he really thinks she would just love this and he would enjoy watching her love it? Or is he clueless about what people in the group will really enjoy? If it's something everyone would dearly adore, and not find embarrassing or exploitative, fine. If there's a question, then go for a safer alternative.

One thing we've done for 40th, 50th and 60th birthdays is to have a bit of a "roast" - we ask guests to bring a little something, like a poem, limerick, funny anecdote, or even a song (lots of people rewrite the words to a popular song or old standard, and hand out song sheets for everyone to join in). It's half funny, half touching, and a great way to say how much you like the honoree. When there's a combination of guests from someone's social group, neighborhood, family, old friends, and work, fine. We've also done photo boards of pictures through the ages, or a slide show on the laptop. And this becomes the entertainment, so no stripper is needed.

You know your friend, and ideally the husband does too, and this party will be about HER and not some crazy idea of what he thinks is "required" for 40th birthdays.

I think you and he need to get on the same page, or you need to just take on what you can and would like to do, and leave the rest to him. He can hire a party planner and a waitress/caterer if he wants to.