To Quit or Not to Quit - Watertown,MA

If she was doing great and loving it and then all of a sudden doesn't I would look at bullying, and not just from other kids, but from instructors. Losing interest is typically a process not something that happens suddenly. Ask her why. Maybe give her the option if possible of switching to a different facility.

And whether you believe it or not, please don't suggest to her that her stomach aches are made up. Stomach issues are one of the first and biggest symptoms of anxiety and if you dismiss them as false she will stop telling you when she is bothered by things because she will think that you won't believe her.

I don't think you should think of it as "quitting," instead think of these as things she is trying out, or participating in for a time.

She's young. She's unlikely to become a martial arts champion, whether she "quits" or not. I think it's worth asking her what caused the change in her attitude -- she went from loving it to having stomach aches over it -- but after that, allow her to make her decision.

How many of us adults would appreciate being told that we had to continue doing something we no longer wanted to do?

Is it close to testing time? It seems right before testing, stress levels go up, especially as you get higher on the belts.

Have you had a conversation with her about it? If not, why? I know "why" is hard for kids, they are still learning emotions and getting them translated from feeling to words.

I would say that once this round of testing is over, she can step back.

I do think there is something going on. Anxiety is a gradual increase, this is sudden. I'd talk to the Master too. They do pay attention to their teams.

Well, I'm not big on asking "why", which tends to be a hard question for kids to answer. What I would do (and have done with my own son when he stopped looking forward to his judo classes) was to ask "what about TKD is hard for you?" I try to get the child to focus more on the concrete aspects of their upset than the feelings themselves. *Why* we feel the way we feel is less important of a question than "tell me what makes you feel upset about going to class". I bring this up because you want your question to be very concrete when it comes to youngsters. "Why" is usually more ambiguous and frankly, feelings aren't up for debate, right?

If it were me, I would honor this request to stop. Not quit, just stop. It's okay to take a break and try something new, and that's the sort of language I have used around this myself. FWIW, I never enrolled my son in any sort of class until he was old enough to express interest in learning that activity and thought it would be fun. Our boy is almost 8 now and has tried both soccer and judo, but it's climbing that he loves. He'll even walk the mile or so to the climbing gym, he's pumped about it. If we'd made him stick with judo, we wouldn't have found something which has been such a good fit for him and made him happy.

Sometimes, too, with martial arts classes, there is a lot of standing/sitting and waiting while others spar or learn a technique That's a great style of learning for some children; others need activities which provide more continuous activity like climbing, running, swimming.... some kids do well with teams while others like to go forward on their own. I think limiting our kids to what *we* adults think they should do/should *want to do means that we end up keeping them from new, authentic interests. And if the purpose of all this is to offer a variety of experiences, then I think you know what your answer is....

How many new activities do YOU sign up for each year? I'm often amazed at how parents assume signing kids up for things they haven't showed more than a passing interest in is somehow "good" for them, and yet I bet if your husband signed you up for classes you thought were boring or hard or whatever, but he MADE you go because he thought it was good for you, I'll bet you'd pitch a fit (and rightfully so.)
A six year old is still learning how to read and write and has no concept of long term commitment. If she often wants to quit n activity that's normal, she's not ready, don't force it. it will backfire on you if you keep expecting her to be more developed/mature than she is.

I think you need to sit down and without emotions, talk to her. I say without emotions because kids react to them whether we see it or want to admit it. Like when you come up all excited that they were invited to a party they may act excited even though the kid having the party is their nemesis.

You come to a kid with frustration in what they have already told you they are not going to give you the truth. They are going to try to say what will make you happy again.

There is a reason and that reason may not mean quitting. The only thing you know right now is that quitting is the only solution their young minds can come up with. You need to help her see other options and you can't do that without first finding out what is really going on.

I have raised or are raising, four kids. The last two are teens. If this process has taught me anything, what was the truth tended to be the opposite of what I thought it would be.

My kids each went through a similar period when in karate. Like your child, they were clearly learning, had the skill, and enjoyed the activity. After a few ranks, they got to a point that required more work and practice than they had experienced before, it made them grumble. I did not allow quitting in this case. They stuck it out and stayed in for years, achieving first degree black belt this past December.

You ruled out medical issues, so I'd say check to make sure there isn't a problem with the instructor(s) or another kid. If everything is good, talk to her sensei about having a supportive talk with her. She should be reminded of the concept of self discipline, why she loves TKD, and the rewards of continuing.

ETA: as the mom of a black belt and high red? I know it gets tougher and more is expected of you as you climb the ranks. Congratulate her on her hard work!!! My son - the black belt - needed a break as it did it for 5 years straight (it was afterschool for both of my boys for 3 years)...I told him once he achieved black belt - he could take a breather. It's been 3 years and now he wants to go back. He'll be able to wear his black belt - but they will have him start back with the no belts to make sure he has his forms right!

Sorry - there's something going on. My oldest son LOVED school - Kindergarten was a BLAST for him - was upset that there was no school on Saturday and Sunday....1st grade? hhhmm....first month was fine...second month?? I would get calls from the school - he's sick - stomach upset, etc.
Finally after a month of this - I was UPSET - REALLY upset as we had taken him to the doctor - nothing wrong - I said - we cannot keep doing this. What is going on. He said "I hate school" - we were in the car - I almost slammed on my brakes - what? I hate school. Why?

He had stopped a bully in Kindergarten - he kept pestering him - he was in TKD and handling it - we were teaching him to deal and not let some piss ant bully get the better of him - nope - that's not it. I'm letting people see him for the bully he is...okay - what's up. Ms. Cox (I'll not use her real name) says some of us kids in the class are stupid. I pulled over and said WHAT?
Let's roll play...

Son as Teacher "I can't believe you are that stupid"
Son as himself "I am trying hard"
Son as Teacher "No you are not. You're just like John - Stupid"

I lost it. I drove to the school and confronted the teacher WITH the principal. She, of course, denied it. Called my son a liar...I flipped a switch and told her that this is UNACCEPTABLE - well - the teacher is BLACK and it's a union....it took us 6 years to get her out of that school.

I talked with other parents...they were upset too - but felt like if they complained they would be called racists and worse - they were afraid of retribution on their younger kids. So they did NOT step up...I was NOT happy.

You need to get her in the car - for a longer trip - and start talking about TKD - what she likes...don't ask "what's wrong" - ask what's right and that will lead to the issue....that's why I say car ride...she can't run out...she can't say she didn't hear you...

Then talk with Sabumnim. He needs to know what is going on in his dojung.

Good luck!

That's probably because at around that level sparring/self defenses come to the forefront instead of all just forms.
Talk to the master and see if he's noticed anything going on in class.
At least have her finish the year.
Our son's a 3rd don blackbelt in taekwondo and sparring isn't something he loves - but he doesn't fear it and if a hit or kick gets past his blocking, his opponent bounces off him and our son keeps coming at them like an unstoppable force.
He's had to go easy on some of the adults taking the class.
I've seen several girls who REALLY get into the sparring - you can tell they enjoy it.
The instructors believe much in life has to do with how you deal with conflict - and the class helps you learn how to do that.
It's a valuable life lesson and many kids benefit in so many ways from what they learn taking taekwondo.
Make the class non-negotiable.
She signed up for a certain period of time - she has to see it through.
Same for ANY class she signs up for.
One she's finished, THEN she can try something else.
It should make her think twice about trying something frivolously and wanting to give up after 2 or 3 weeks.
Too many parents cave into that behavior and they spend all kinds of money jumping from one activity to the next every few weeks at the whim of the kids.

I would tell her that you've paid for x sessions, and if after x sessions she wants to move on, that's fine, but in the meantime she needs to go. I would also talk to her about why - is there some new kid? Is it harder? Is she tired that time of day? You might also talk to the instructor for insight.

You might also talk to her about "tummy aches" when she really means she's nervous. My DD used to have "tummy aches" and when I started treating her like she was sick all day (No, we aren't going to the park. You said you were sick.) she moved past it. I did also ask her if she was sick or nervous, etc. Boy who cried wolf and all that. To be honest, it was so bad that one day she said her tummy hurt and I took her on errands anyway, and she threw up in the store. So she learned that "being sick" should only be when she's really sick.

She is so young. I agree to expose her to short term classes. I wouldn't limit to sports. My son was very interested in being a chef at her age. LOVED to cook and spent a lot of time with me in the kitchen starting at 2. We did a cake decorating class at hobby lobby even though he was 4 years younger than the minimum age. I asked the instructor to try him (because I homeschool I knew he was mature enough to handle it) and he did beautifully. Today he's 11. Has no interest in being a chef. Still loves to cook (especially if I'm out of pocket he loves to cook for his dad and sister).

As far as guitar goes they make a guitar that's a learning one for children. Music is a HUGE part of our family. I play the guitar, taught my daughter and she takes lessons now from someone who can teach her much more than I. Playing an instrument is a great thing. It's non competitive and encourages creative talent. I had a hard time with my temper and being able to play the guitar saved me on more than one occasion. In high school I was the president of our choir. It was so much fun.

Personally I think kids this age need to be outside. Playing, learning about bugs, making dams with dirt and water, and playing with friends. My daughter has a lot of natural ability sportswise. My son, not so much. Your daughter may excel in music or art or drama. You don't have to follow the crowd of parents shuffling their kids to gymnastics, dance, etc.

Blessings!
L.

i know this will be a minority opinion, but i would never make kids do an EXTRACURRICULAR activity they didn't love.
there are a gazillion and one opportunities to teach kids to follow through and honor commitments and take one for the team and so forth. but when a kid is crying or getting sick over something EXTRA that's supposed to be fun and exciting, it's time to take a break.
khairete
S.

I think 11 months is time enough to know if she prefers it or not.. However, before or IF you allow her to stop going, right before bed, when she is more relaxed (perhaps after a story) see if you can get her to talk about why she likes and doesn't like about the class... sometimes, when kids aren't put on the spot right before a class, they are less apt to just say, I don't want to go .. or I don't feel good.. when in a relaxed environment, she might open up and it could be that she just isn't into it or that something transpired and she no longer feels comfortable..
my son was in karate and after a couple of months, he just didn't want to go... it simply wasn't his sport... then we tried piano for a time.. he did ok.. but that wasn't for him either.... however, that which was and IS for him.. the accordion, for which he has been playing since he was 7 years old (his choice) and now at 13, he still plays it...I will say, he had a natural talent for piano, but since he didn't like it.. why push it.. I do think there are times in life when you get the kids to stay with something... but even adults try classes and if they don't like them, quit.. why should a child be so different..11 months is ample time.. IF she does have a calling for it, she ll return to it later on in life.. but as mentioned, have that conversation.. then decide.. good luck

My son is a black belt in tkd, so he has been through it all, and started at age 5. It sounds like your daughter has some nerves or even fear, which could be because of her level. Martial arts training can be repetitive (boring), and the higher the level, the more skill and training required. She may be feeling like she's not getting some key skills, it may be too much repetition, or the moves might be too hard. Do you watch class? Some instructors can be tough and demanding as well. Maybe some other kids are giving her some problems? It could just be that she's had enough. She's learned what she has learned and it was fun, but taking it to the higher levels is more than she bargained for. I would really want to find out her feelings before making a decision. If it's nerves, maybe she just needs some extra help on certain skills or maybe the pressure is too much at the level she's at. If there's an issue with an instructor or other kids not being nice, I'd consider letting her drop it. If she's afraid of the hard work, I'd probably have her keep with it just to know that feeling of working hard for something and achieving success.

I wrote a more detailed answer but it disappeared. If you want me to expand on this let me know.

Because she's loved gymnastics and now doesn't want to go I think something happened. It's important to find out what that is so that she can continue with gymnastics. Also so she can learn that she can succeed in managing her fears.

I suggest that whatever happened it was in the classes previous to her not wanting to go. I'd ask the coach about what may have happened. Other mom's may have suggestions.

Talk with her about what happened in a casual way while in the car or playing with her so she doesn't have to look at you. As another mom suggested, don't ask why. Ask about what happened in class. You could have her help you tell a story about a little girl (not her) who loved gymnastics and doesn't now. Ask her why this little girl might not want to go to gymnastics. Ask for more than one reason. Weave a remedy into the story again asking her what that would be. You can suggest reasons and remedies if she doesn't give you possibilities.

Hopefully, you have already sympathized with her. reassured her tthat she's not in trluble. Have you asked her why and she's said nothing? Then expand your conversation as she's involved in something else.

She may not be anxious about gymnastics. Is she otherwise acting same way as before? If not, explore other possibilities.

Most of all be kind while letting her know you're there to help her. Don't push for a decision about quitting or not. See how your conversations work out. I suggest it's important to know why she's had this sudden change. It may be the result of something trivial in which case it's important to work thru it. It could also be something serious that you need to handle.

You sign up, you paid, she goes. She made a commitment so she has to see it thru. She is old enough to understand.

Let her quit. It is supposed to be for fun, when it is no longer fun then stop. Why would you force her to do it? It is not like school. You do not need tkd.

My kids did TKD for over a year and loved it. All of a sudden it got to the point where I was literally dragging them in kicking and screaming. We quit. Don't make her do something that makes her miserable. Some kids enjoy not doing an activity/sport.

My boys like football, baseball, and basketball.

My daughter is a dancer, this is her 9th year and she is 11...it's her love.

Her friends do soccer, basketball, softball, cheer. Maybe try some of those activities?

Send her unless she can tell you why she doesn't want to go. Tell her that no matter what she says you won't be mad at her for anything and that she needs to let you know why she doesn't like it anymore.

This opens the door for her to tell you anything. When a kid has a sudden change of attitude about something I think sometimes there is a good reason for that change. Working with kids who've been abused sends me there mentally so I always tell a parent to be prepared for anything. It could be they had to go to the bathroom and didn't quite make it and now they're worried this might happen again to the big kid that helps out made them feel uncomfortable.

So talk to her and don't back down. Tell her it's time to go then go get in the car. If she doesn't follow along go pick her up and put her in her car seat. Then don't interact with her except to take her out and in the class. The more you interact the more they think you will feel bad and give in.

Do you stay and watch? It might be a good thing to stay and see if there is something going on that you wouldn't like too.

IMO, the MAIN purpose of extracurricular activities is for the kids to have fun. Yes, they learn social skills and get exercise too, but if they aren't having fun, you're wasting your money and the instructor's time. There are enough things that kids HAVE to do, whether or not they want to. Let her quit the ones that aren't necessary.

I would ask a lot of questions to see if something happened and you've already received a lot of good advice. I just chiming in that I was allowed to quit several activities in Elem school / Mid school and that this had a negative impact. As a result, I would get my kids to finish to a time that makes sense (ie the end of the school year).

My GD did the same thing with her karate training. All of a sudden, out of nowhere she wanted to quit. Grandpa and I told her she had to stick with it for a while because we had just, two months prior, put out the money for the ghi (sp?) and we weren't trying to waste our money. Then, there was an influx of new students and my GD suddenly LOVED karate. She still looks forward to it each week - she also goes 2x week for 1.5 hour each. So, I say make her stick with it for at least some length of time to see if she doesn't change her mind again. If, after say another 3 - 6 months she still wants to quit, then consider it. Also, you may want to speak to the sensai (sp?) - maybe something happened in class that she just needs to get over.

At 6 years old, I think she is old enough to explain that once you purchase a racket and the tennis dress and shoes, as well as pay for a session, she has to stay in the class until the end.

They do change their mind as soon as you are ready to pull them out. Our daughter plays hockey. She loves it. She started as a forward, asked to try goalie, did that for a while, went back to forward and recently took a goalie class. Her goalie skates were too small, so naturally, she wanted out of them. She said she didn't really like it, so I said, "I guess we don't have to buy those skates" and she said she would like to still play every so often.

My kids did the same thing with martial arts. They just would say, "I don't feel like it" even though they seemed to enjoy it once there. I just got tired of having to nag them every time . So I made them finish the month I'd paid for and sign up for something else. I think the issue with those sports is there no end date (as opposed to like a baseball season) and at that age they're ready to try something else after a few months. But agree, I like extracurricular and they do too so we just chose something else. Hopefully they'll circle back to martial arts next year. I know it's a bummer when you we them make so much progress and then quit, but I think a lot of those skills translate Into other sports. Maybe something did happen to make her anxious, but I wouldn't assume so.

We quit gymnastics too. After 2 years of lessons my daughter still refused to jump onto a 4 inch mat. If we tried something else and my daughter didnt like it, I would probably just let her quit. Going to school is the only non-negotiable. Good luck :-)

When it comes to sports at age 6, the focus should be on having fun while getting introduced to the basic skills. Coaches and parents who are h*** o* the kids and push them to "win" games and so forth end up turning a lot of kids off, kids who aren't even developmentally ready for what the coaches are trying to have the kids do. It's unfortunate, because a lot of these kids could go on to be good athletes if it wasn't for being pushed too hard too soon...or their parent's just assuming it wasn't for them. If TKD was getting to the level where the workload was really increasing to the point it was no longer fun, I could see her not wanting to go at age 6.
I was your daughter at age 6. I floated in and out of rec gymnastics classes never really showing much hope, it wasn't until the 4th grade that everything really "clicked" for me and I ended up being a top gymnast on my high school team and went on to having a collegiate gymnastics career. Just give her time and keep her in things she likes for now. Keep it fun.