To Have Another or Not.... - Wheaton,IL

Updated on November 23, 2010
J.V. asks from Wheaton, IL
5 answers

Right after my son was born, I told my hubby to make an appt to get a vasectomy. He of course didn't do it. I gave away my maternity clothes, most of my daughter's clothes and some toys.

When my son hit the 4 month mark, I started thinking about having a third. By 6 months, it was eating at me, so I decided to hold off on a decision until my son was 14 months.

He will be 12 months in two weeks. I am finally ovulating again, and if we are going to have another, hubby wants to do it NOW. We are 38, the numbers for genetic issues,etc. are starting to look bad, and hubby doesn't like throwing this kind of dice.

I can't seem to get the idea of a third out of my head. I know so much of it has to do with how absolutely adorable babies of the 9-13 month range are. But soon enough my little one will stop listening to No, and start biting, hitting, etc. I made it through all of that with my daughter, but I have to tell you, toddlers are a handful. My daughter doesn't even turn 3 till March. My last pregnancy was hard, labor was easy (a wonderful home birth), but I have to tell you, I am one grumpy pregnant lady. In fact, I spent the first 4 months of my last pregnancy wonderful why the **** I decided to have another!!!! I am also one grumpy momma when I don't get much sleep, so I haven't been the nicest mother to my daughter in the last 12 months. In fact, I decided (one of the many times) to not have any more kids because it wouldn't be fair to hubby and to my current children.

Yet, I keep thinking I want another. I'm sure that biology has us programmed to have this sort of itch, especially when "baby" is moving into "toddler," and I know women who stopped wanting another when their youngest hit 15 or so months. Hubby won't wait that long if we are going to move forward, yet, I can't be sure that I really want another!

HELP!!!

We also have a small 3 bedroom, and while we have plans for an addition in a few years, we really need more space. Hubby also would need a raise. He is looking for a new job, and since he has stayed with the same company for too long, he is currently grossly underpaid for what he does, so the money might not be an issue in the near future. Yet, if I only have my current two, I could give them soooooo much more. I want to home school, and my daughter has started sounding out words and is showing reading readiness. Another baby would hold her back, and my poor son would just continue to be neglected.

Sorry for the long ramble.....words of wisdom? Will this itch go away? I know I wouldn't regret having another, but another does bring more headaches, costs, another two years of neglecting our marriage, etc....

What can I do next?

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

Another mom asked almost this exact question today. My response to her is the same (imagine that!).

I hope you will not get pregnant unless you and your husband are both clear that this is the best possible thing you can do for everybody concerned, including your existing children and any child-to-be. There are lots of reasons for wanting more children, but they may not hold up in light of your actual, real-life experiences.

Please consider that this is the single highest-impact decision you can make, not only for your own family, but for humanity at large. Today's population growth on a graph isn't even a curve – it's a line going almost straight up.

Environmental scientists have serious concerns about the Earth's ability to go on supporting such growth, which is making extraordinary demands on livable and farmable space, on other species, on non-renewable resources, on our atmosphere and oceans, on the climate, and even on other less-powerful societies.

Because I already had these concerns more than 40 years ago, I limited my family to one child. My daughter has done the same. My concerns are far more urgent than ever. The state of the Earth is really shakey right now. The children we bring into the world now may well face a much-diminished quality of life than we have enjoyed. I hope young parents will look toward more conservatively-sized families for the good of all our children.

My experience is that once I find clearness about a decision, I become calm. I may choose to revisit a decision at any time it's desirable. But it is possible to commit to a specific path forward, and then turn your attention to other matters. Yes, that yearning is programmed into us. With today's realities, that's not a "good enough" reason to make another person. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful
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M.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

You give much better reasons NOT to have another....I usually say for people to go for it but in your case I think you should stop. While it is nice to fantasize about another, your reality is that you could not handle nor would you be happy with one more. You like the 'idea' of it more than anything.

2 moms found this helpful
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J.B.

answers from Atlanta on

The itch DOES go away -but another baby will not! If you carefully re-read your post, I think you've answered your question. I would be happy with 2 if I were you. If you're miserable when pregnant and miserable when sleep-deprived and you haven't been the mom you feel like you should be to your oldest since the youngest arrived, do you really think you need to add another to the mix? Finances are also huge! FAR more people should really think about finances and what they want to give their kids. It sounds like you'll be much happier if you wait for the itch to die down!

1 mom found this helpful
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T.B.

answers from Miami on

I'm surprised that you feel that having another child would hold back your one child while making the other neglected. I have 3 children and another on the way. We stopped at 3 but God decided our family needed one more so here I am pregnant with # 4. Yep, we have a small house and I gave away all my baby stuff, maternity clothes..and starting out all over again. Not my plan but I'm rolling with it.

I had the "itch" you are describing with each of my first two children. I knew I wanted a third and was TOTALLY at peace after the birth of my third child. There was no more longing to have more children. Yes, the feeling you are describing does go away...once you are done and you know it in your heart. It doesn't sound like you know in your heart you are done. I think you are putting unnecessary pressure on yourself to have that next child before a certain age and even more pressure because you feel your other children will be neglected. Yes, your life will be busy with 3...but no much busier than with the 2 you already have. You are already used to being busy, no doubt, so another child may only make your family complete in a way you are longing for. Your age should not be so much of a concern. Lots of women in their later 30's and even 40's are having children, and healthy children too.

1 mom found this helpful
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J.K.

answers from Phoenix on

It's a matter of preference. Pregnancies don't last, sleep deprivation doesn't last, even babies don't stay babies.

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