Tired and Really Frustrated with Hubby

Updated on June 01, 2010
A.F. asks from APO, AP
14 answers

I am so tired and on some heavy pain meds. I haven't taken them in a few days as you all know I have my 2 month old son to look after. Well tonight my hip and back are really killing me like to the point I am limping. So before bed I took one flexerill and one Darvaset. All the while I have my son in his car seat next to my side of the bed rocking him to sleep. He maybe gave me 15 minutes of sleep before wanting to be fed. I woke up my husband up several times to tell him it was his turn to feed since he hasn't done it all day.
Earlier when we were trying to make dinner for ourselves Jameson (my son) started crying, so I changed him since he has a bad diaper rash yet again, then I fed him leaving me with nothing to eat myself. When I finally get to make something it's almost 9:30 p.m. and right then my appetite left me. sorry for all the ranting, but I feel this is the only place where I can vent since a lot of others have or are going through the same thing. :) But anyway, I take care of my son all day since I don't work because my husband, my son, and I are moving to Korea since my husband is being stationed there. But I feel he has been slacking lately in his fatherly duties. He's always complaining that he needs to do his school work which is online. Which by the way he is making a B and a C, but I always watch him and he's always done in less then an hour and after that he's on the computer all day. When I say its your turn he complains and gets easily frustrated with him. I've caught him harshly blowing him face at night when I am trying to get a bottle ready. He's done this a couple of times and it really upsets me. I've told him this and he always says I am too paranoid. I love my son so much and its so much in that motherly way that a father will never know.
It is so hard to take pain killers and stay awake with no help at night, but my husband thought that just because I was taking medicine he should too, but every time he takes a sleeping med he is pretty much dead to the world. No matter how much you wake him up he never remembers in the morning. Now I am second guessing if I want anymore kids with him if this is how it's going to be all the time. Oh and does anyone have any tips on how to get rid of a bad diaper rash? I am using A&D ointment for diaper rashes but its not working.

Sorry for this being like a book. Thanks to all who read and respond.

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So What Happened?

Thank you everyone for your advice, I have talked to my husband and he said he would tell me if he is going to take his meds before taking mine, but I have told him I have to take my meds for my pain. But he is also liking to place blame elsewhere rather then man up to it. He always seems to have an excuse for everything, or some random time frame just to think he's right. But anyway when I woke up this morning when my son woke up I had only gotten 2 hours of sleep. Frustrated still I got up walked into my bedroom slapped my husband's foot and told him to get his ass up and take care of his son, that I was tired and going to bed and not to bother me. He got up not happy but did as he was told. But by noon I heard my son screaming a blood curdling scream, the scream he does when he has a raw diaper rash and just pooped. I laid there for 5 minutes and still I hear it so I got up and he yells at me. saying "He's hungry I am fixing his damn bottle!" I told him that cry wasn't a hungry he needed a diaper change. He said no he's hungry because he spit up the last bottle. I told him to check his diaper and sure enough he had a poopy diaper. My poor baby was screaming and I felt bad. But I was am getting annoyed my husband still hasn't learned his different cries. He's 2 months old for goodness sake. hopefully things will change.

More Answers



answers from Los Angeles on

Hi A.,
Thank you for sharing. You must have little sleep on top of your round the clock feeding, taking care the little one and dealing with your pain at the same time!. I feel for you!!!
I think this is your first, so I would like to give you an advice: eat before every feeding. The little one can wait a little bit. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of your baby. This is not selfish, but rather a beneficial action you do for both you and your baby.
The baby skin is very sensitive, so I think if you can plan some of the time during the day to let the baby have air-out-his-bum times on a cloth after changing diaper, it would help the rash goes away a day or 2 days later. Perhaps changing diaper brand, and put Vaseline on his bum after each changing time. I don't know if you would want to change to cloth diaper-for a few days, this would help as well. But over the first year time, diaper rash does come and go alot...so, it's common and it will go away.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

get neosporin, hydrocortisone cream and miconisol cream (sp? - the stuff for vaginal yeast infections) - mix a little of each together in your hand and use at every diaper change until the rash is gone. It will be better within a few changes. My Ped called this the "miracle cream".

As for your husband, yes, most likely he will be like that with all the children. My suggestion would be to talk to him calmly at a time when the baby is sleeping and both of YOU are awake. Explain to him that you are exhausted and you need one good nights sleep and he needs to take a turn. Then the two of you decide what works for you. Twice a week? Every other night? Part of the agreement has to be no drugs on the nights he cares for him. Then on those nights, put hubby and baby in a different room so you can sleep. shut your door and sleep. Don't get up and make the bottle, let hubby do that. If baby cries awhile until it penetrates hubbies brain, it isn't really going to hurt the baby. If you get up ONE time, it will show hubby that you don't really need him. so under NO circumstances should you get up. The first night of his duty may be a sleepless night for you, but after that, hubby will see that you expect him to uphold his part of the bargain.

Good luck training BOTH children.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

It's the chronic pain that is definitley adding to your overall exhaustion and feeling like you are doing everything, because you are. Your husband is being selfish and unless you can speak to him, you ARE a single parent. When my son was born my husband was like this. He needed his sleep, he was tired from work, the baby cries too much. I might add that I was not a SAHM, so after maternity leave of 8 wks I was back to work FT and coming home and doing everything. There was one day when I was walking up the street to my house and I can hear my baby crying 5 houses down from mine. I walk in to see my angel crying his heart out laying on his back on the couch next to my husband who refused to hold him because he won't stop crying. Ummmm, yea a 3 month old not swaddeled, not being held, on his back in a chilly room, wonder why he was crying. That was the switch for me. I picked up the baby and calm as can be told my husband, you wanted a child with me, you were excited to be a dad, what I need you to do is pack up your things and get the hell out of the house. He was stunned. I stood my ground and said until you realize that having a child is not always fun times and you can't press a button and shut him off you are not welcome in this house or in our lives. I also said do you want me to tell our son when he is older how you were with him? He slept at a friends house for 2 weeks. He called everyday begging to see us and I said no. Take this time and decide what your priorities are. After the 2wks I let him back in a changed man. He said he never thought I would go that far and it made him realize that a) I can do it without him (hurt ego), b) he wants to be with us and take care of us and c)that it takes two people to work as one to make it easier on us both. There is hope, but you got to call him on his indifference in helping you. As far as the rash all these mommas gave great advice I have nothing to add. Best of luck and I hope you feel better soon.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

To tell you the truth I would not leave this country with him. He has lots of growing up to do.. You clearly need help and support. Your not getting that from him now ......what do you think its gong to be like in Korea?? I feel bad your in pain. I hope you can fine a way to relieve it soon and with out meds. Your poor baby needs you both.

Diaper Rash hurts the poor little guy. Take some of the good advice from the moms below me!! I wish you luck!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

I know that some woman have these great husbands that help. But it's not the reality I've seen for most of my daycare moms and not for me. My husband left me to do 99.9% of the chores at home, work 7 days per week, 24 hours per day in my home daycare, and even during the years when I was licensed for 10 kids, he still said that the house, kids, and a myriad of family chores, errands, and needs must to be met by me because I was "home all day". Even back when I was changing as many as 45 diapers per day, cooking for an army, doing all my shopping at all night grocery stores overnight, going through my pregnant years, trying to take classes online, I still did more than my share.

As near as I can see, men are pretty much selfish pigs. To be honest though, I read a great deal of things on here from woman on a variety of subjects that sound VERY selfish and even sometimes VERY lazy. So woman are not all that much better.

I remember the times my husband really helped me. They stick out like a sore thumb because there were so few! One time I was pregnant, throwing up, feeling awful and a daycare child threw up. My husband was out with the kids while I was laying down. He told me to stay in bed and he cleaned up this child! I got up long enough to call the child's mother to come get her.

Over the years he has gotten better. My husband does more now like doing his own laundry and taking out the garbage, helps so much with our grandson, and it's not nearly as frustrating as it was in the early years. We've been married 25 years though and it's been a long road of arguments, compromise, more arguments, and NEGOTIATION.

About those pain meds...I understand wanting to take them. I just put a question through recently about pain meds. I've been in chronic pain most of my adult life and I've NEVER taken anything stronger than an advil. I will not and can not in all good conscious be taking pain pills while caring for children, mine or anyone elses. I really want to. The pain is never ending and lately I've had to force myself to go through my days and to conscentrate on making life good for these kids no matter how I feel. You should not be taking these meds with such a little baby in the house unless you can get a family member or someone, a friend or neighbor to come and stay with you or at least check in on you.

The diaper rash will go away if you take the babies diaper off, rinse the bottom with luke warm water only, no soap and let the baby lay on a blanket naked until completely air dried for awhile. If you do that 3 times per day and then put the a&d ointment on after being completely air dried, it will get better in about 3-4 days of this. You should do this at least once per day forever though. Babies that get rashes like this will continue to get them. The diaper is warm, wet, and moist too much of the time. NEVER let a dirty one sit. Always check the baby about twice per hour and change as often as necessary. Change baby even if there is only a squirt in there.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Kokomo on

I am very sorry about your husband. It sounds so very familiar, unfortunatly I don't have a solution to that problem....boy do I wish I did lol.
The rash though I can help you with. My daughter got severe rashes despite dr perscribed creams, baths twice daily, barely ever wearing a diaper and every kind of other cream. Finally I found Triple Paste it is a few dollars more expensive but so worth it. You can get it at walmart or target(our target sells it in a bigger tub which in the long run is much cheaper). After months of my poor baby having sores on her bottom it completely cleared up in just a couple days of putting it on thickly whenever she wore a diaper.
Hope things get better!



answers from Chattanooga on

How could you lay there for 5 minutes listening to your poor baby cry knowing that he is in pain????....seems to me that you need to get off the pain meds and start being a mother to your son. Make the baby your top priority.....not your pain. Both you and your husband seem very immature and irresponsible.



answers from Norfolk on

As with most marital difficulties, communication is the only way to make improvements.

As for the diaper rash, the first step may be changing diaper brands. My son has a recurring rash for a long time. I didn't want to overdo it on the creams and ointments, so I asked the doc. She perscribed a soap-free cleanser to use for his baths and suggested we try a different brand of diaper. We had been using Pampers Baby Dry. Simply switching to Pampers Cruisers helped with the rash. Be careful with hydrocortisone creams. They thin the skin. Use only when necessary.

Good luck with everything.



answers from Pittsburgh on

have you gotten the diaper rash looked at? It could be a yeast infection and all of the diaper rash cream in the world isn't going to touch it. Can he go bare bottomed as much as possible? The air will help as well.

As for the wanting-to-take-a-pitchfork-to-your-husband-with-a-two-week-old baby-situation (LOL) just wanted to say that a new baby is PRESSURE COOKER situation for anyone. Especially if this is your fist baby. I was 39 and seriously wanted to hurt my husband! LOL Really though, you're sleep deprived, you're in pain, you can't do everything, yet your husband can't do anything right (i.e. the way YOU would do it or like it done). This is very common and it gets better. Also, a great deal of dads just don't get the infant thing....later...yeah..they're great but tiny babies scare a LOT of men. Just be aware since when you move you may lose a lot of your local support.....best of luck!



answers from Boston on

I am so sorry that you have to deal w/ 2 children (yes I say two because your husband is acting like a child). If you wanted to be a single parent and do all the duties then that is what you would be. Being a parent means taking responsibility for your child and also helping mom out when it's need and it sounds like it's definitely needed. You are in pain and having to take pain meds and still a "red flag" hasn't hit your husband? Also, if he doesn't need the sleeping pills but is just taking them to take them, that is ridiculously irresponsible. What if something really terrible happened to you where you couldn't move to get to the baby or something like that!?!?!

Ok, enough about that because I could go on ALL day :) As for the rash, if it's not clearing up, you may want to call the Dr.'s office as he may have a yeast infection. Usually when my girls would have rashes that wouldn't clear up, we'd have to use prescription strength ointment.
Best of luck,
J. :)



answers from San Francisco on

Sometimes the diaper rash is a fungal infection and the vaginal cream women use works. If you can take him to the dr. the dr should be able to tell you what it is.

As to your husband, is he feeling neglected? Has your relationship changed a whole lot since the baby has come? I know when my husband started to disconnect from the family it was because the kids came before our relationship. Maybe you need someone to watch the baby so you two can spend some adult time together and he can know he is still the love of your life.

The other thing that works well is to watch for when he does things that help you out (or ask him to help you out) and then really praise him and thank him for helping and tell him how much it means to you when he helps. Sometimes we get in the habit of critiquing our husbands and they just start to figure since they can't do anything right then they might as well quit trying.

And maybe you could just sit and talk with him and tell him what you need. Men don't guess our needs very well, so tell him what he can do to help you- or write him a sweet note- and then praise him and thank him when he does it. He will start doing what you want because he likes to make you happy.

Also, everyday make sure you tell him he is important to your family and you love him, then thank him for working so hard for your family.

When you change your attitude, he will change. And I bet your pain will decrease because your stress will lessen. You are very blessed, count your blessings. (and yes, I do know this is all easier said than done- and it will be worth it to make peace in your home and a soft place for all of you to fall).

And yes, having a baby is difficult under the best situation. Take care of yourself and give yourself props for all you can and do accomplish.



answers from Knoxville on

I am sorry your having a rough time. My first husband always said he got frustrated with the baby. We soon went our separate ways. My second and current husband never said that and we had 2 more children. Your husband may be worried about going to Korea and uprooting his family to go to another country. Sometimes men don't know how to verbalize what they are truly feeling so they lay blame at/on the most convienent thing/person. You could try talking kindly without blaming your husband. As soon as they (men) feel like your blaming them they throw up a wall and stop listening.

As far as you getting some rest do you have a family member or friend that could come over and help out so you can take your meds and get some rest?

For the diaper rash, if you can let the area open to air that will help. If you have recently changed disposable diaper brands or detergents it could be that. It could be a yeast infection, this can happen to both girls and boys. The other thing I remember using was Mylanta or Maalox, I do not remember for sure but I think it was Mylanta, soak a cotton ball with it and dab on the affected area. A country dr who worked at the free clinic we used when we had no medical insurance told me to try it. It worked well.

Good Luck with these things and I will keep you in my prayers!



answers from Jacksonville on

When mine was deployed I had a M.'s helper. She was a 16 year old that lived across the street and she came over to help with all the baby things and my toddler's needs. I also used my neighbors.
When you get to Korea join the Army Wives group, the Marines have one I'm sure the Army does.
You could do this. Go to his Chaplain. Explain to him how you aren't handling things at home and you need help.
He will probably send you to militaryonesource.com 1-800-342-9647
THey are 24 hours, and very familiar with those of us who just can't cope.
As far as Korea, there will be lots of wives going throught the same emotions. He should have a mentor to help with getting settled and you involved, where the commissary is, AAFES, Medical, Dental.
I would take the baby to peds and get that diaper rash checked out.
Take care and you will love Korea. My BIL has been there 5 times.


When mine was deployed I had a M.'s helper. She was a 16 year old that lived across the street and she came over to help with all the baby things and my toddler's needs. I also used my neighbors.
When you get to Korea join the Army Wives group, the Marines have one I'm sure the Army does.
You could do this. Go to his Chaplain. Explain to him how you aren't handling things at home and you need help.
He will probably send you to militaryonesource.com 1-800-342-9647
THey are 24 hours, and very familiar with those of us who just can't cope.
As far as Korea, there will be lots of wives going throught the same emotions. He should have a mentor to help with getting settled and you involved, where the commissary is, AAFES, Medical, Dental.
I would take the baby to peds and get that diaper rash checked out.
Take care and you will love Korea. My BIL has been there 5 times.


answers from Little Rock on

Hey girl,
Chapter #6 of your book,
As I always say take a deep breath, I am wondering if he is the type of man that you can talk too? If so tell him (A) person can only handle so much with LACK asleep. And maybe during the day when he is home if you could NAP! Or sent up days that work around ur 2 schdules for the LONG nights.

And if he IS NOT a person to talk to say as A JOKE don't ACT ON IT!. If you don't get up with the baby tonight ALL night "I would be very afraid be VERY AFRAID and sleep with 1 eye open. HAHAHAHAHAH!! This way he will think 2 things: Either u r going to CRACK SOON or u have already CRACKED!!

As far as dipear rash I have the PERFECT cream for you!! You can get it from the parmacy behind the counter. I this call PALEDINE. It is in a cold cream cup and it last forever and cost around $4.00's. I used it for my girls and the rash was gone w/in 2 days if it was really bad. Infact my older sis had a boy 1yr before I had our daughter and I made her try this and it made a beleiver out of her the first day useing it. She is the type of person that "If she didn't think of it first she won't even try it" YES I WAS FICTORIOUS!!
I hope this helps you, if not I hope I made u laugh alittle today!

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