tInvited To American Homoe, Cultural Questions,,please Read It

aw sweetie! i hope they can see how hard you are trying and how nice you really are. i'm sure they will :)

like the others have said, just pick up after yourselves and don't make more work for them if you can help it. offering to help cook the meal is nice. but some people feel as the hostess they should do all the work, so if you offer and they say "no thank you", don't be offended. people are different.

gifts are nice, i would say if it is in the budget, do it. that will go a long way towards making them see you are trying to be good guests.

also, i would tell them just like you told us- you're not sure what to do! :) tell them this, and let them help you. they can tell you what they expect then no one feels badly.

have fun! :)

Well here are some ideas:
Be considerate.
Pick up after yourselves.
Make your beds.
Don't leave your stuff all over the place.
They won't expect you to "clean their house" but they will expect you to be respectful of their home and to keep your room/things tidy.
Offer to make dinner O. night or take the hosts out for a meal.
If they take you out otherwise, assume it's their treat or dutch.
I don't know that you'd want to carry it on a bus, but a "hostess gift" would be very nice--note cards, wine, small box of candy, guest soaps, etc. The wife might be thrilled to get a massage--awesome idea! Just ask.
Strip your sheets off of the bed on your last day and place them on the washer/offer to throw them into the washing machine maybe.
You might want to avoid the following topics: sex, religion, politics.
As for the length of the stay--that really should be addressed by the hosts before you go so you can plan.
Have fun!

Do you have any items from your home country? To me, that would be a very nice "thank you" gift..... many times international students bring a supply of small "gifts" for people during their stay.

And yes, I would expect that you are staying at their house.....

They may take you out to dinner, and yes, they would probably expect to pay. You are their guest.

It might be nice to offer to help cook something from your country, especially if they have been in Indonesia. I enjoy it when my daughter cooks something from Korea... she has been living there for 4 years now, but usually comes home for the summer. btw... she went to Cambodia and Thailand over her Christmas holiday... it was fun getting small items from her for Christmas from her travels!

Enjoy your trip!

Traveling via Greyhound bus will be exhausting. Check on flights or taking a train - you might like that better.

It's OKAY to ask questions instead of assuming. USUALLY if someone invites you to their home or vacation home - you will stay with them. Typically if I invited someone to my home - they are staying with me. If I do not have the room for them? I tell them - I don't have the room for them and recommend hotels.

It's OKAY to ask how long they would like you to say. It really is. It's okay. don't be sooo nervous that you can't enjoy yourself.

For me personally - when I invite someone to my home - I want them to relax and have a good time. I don't like them picking up (only their stuff!!) and feeling the need to cook. **I** feel that's MY job as host. It's OKAY to offer.

Talk with your husband and see what his expectations are. Bozeman, Montana is ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!!! Take a camera!!! :)

Well, your Greyhound experience will most likely be an adventure! I haven't been on one in this country, but my husband and numerous friends have, and there are evidently some interesting characters aboard. I'm sure you'll be fine though, and it is an economical way to travel.

It is always considered thoughtful to bring a "hostess gift" to the person or people where you're staying. Yes, if you are invited to their home in Montana, they most likely intend for you to stay at their home or they should make it clear up front they want you to stay in a hotel. This sounds like you're expected to stay with them. For a hostess gift, you can take just about anything. You can't go wrong or offend anyone with a nice set of kitchen towels or bath soaps or a serving dish or pretty plant -just a little something to say, "Thanks." You can find all sorts of great hostess gift items in the housewares department of TJ Maxx!

Three days should be just right. There's a saying from one of our founders (Benjamin Franklin) here in the U.S. -"Guests and fish stink after 3 days." Unless they've made it clear that they want you there for longer, that's a good time.

As far as questions -I don't think most Americans would be offended with being asked if they were married or how many children they have. I guess it depends on the situation and setting. Questions to stay away from here usually revolve around bluntly asking people what their religion is, what their political persuasion is (are they Republican or Democrat) -or who they voted for, how old they are and anything to do with body image -how much they weigh -that type of thing. It's considered rude to comment on someone's size or any noticeable problem, and in many cultures it's not. You don't want to say, "Wow -you're a big woman!" or "Have you always had hair on your upper lip?" or "We think large moles on the face are a sign of good luck!" -that type of thing. We also don't talk openly (usually) about bathroom things or those parts of the body, although I've noticed much less of a taboo in other cultures regarding things like constipation/diarrhea, bowels in general, gas, hemorrhoids, etc. Unfortunately age is not valued here as much as it is in other areas of the world. You don't want to tell someone you thought they were much older than they are -they won't consider it a compliment.

Paying -always be prepared to pay and offer to pay for yourselves. If you have the money to take them to dinner one night while you're there, it would be a nice gesture, but DO NOT feel like you need to do this -just always offer to pay for your family whenever you do something that costs money.

Keep your bedroom neat and pick up after yourselves and kids -hang towels up in the bathroom, keep clothes picked up off the floor and toys, make up your beds in the morning. Offer to help clean the dishes after a meal or offer to help cook, but don't be offended if the host doesn't let you help.

You can certainly offer to give your hostess a massage. This is really an individual thing as to whether or not she would be comfortable with it. Some would -some wouldn't, but it is a nice offer. For instance -I love massages, but I don't want one from someone I know personally, although many people I know don't mind. My mother-in-law HATES any kind of massage, so you just never know.

You can always start conversations about where they grew up, where they went to college if they did, how did they decide on Bozeman -or have they always lived there, where have they traveled, etc. I'm sure they'll want to hear all about Indonesia as well!

Montana is GORGEOUS and should provide some heat relief for you! Just go and enjoy. You sound like a very thoughtful person, and I'm sure that will come through. They know you're from a different culture as well, so I'm sure they don't expect you to act just like you were born and raised here. Have fun!

with our family we would invite you to stay and we would arrange the time between ourselves. Usually we would put you up in one room and arrange for the kids to share a room or set up an extra bed in a room like the living room for the kids. Ask them if certain dates will work, for example "We were thinking of coming the night of friday the 17th, staying saturday and sunday and then leaving monday morning? MOST americans are 'practical' people and will either say yes, that sound great, or will offer up a different idea for you... I highly doubt they will be offended by any suggestion you make.

when friends visit we do "split checks" for meals out at a restaurant. Only with family members does age pay a role (my grandmother NEVER allows us to pick up the check). But, friends and colleagues are different. Another way we do it with close friends is we say, I'll treat everyone this time, you treat everyone next time. If you split meals that way, it is kind of "unwritten" etiquette that you order a meal that is equivalent or less than the price of the meal that the person who is paying is eating (so if they order a $12 sandwich, DON'T order a $25 steak) --- the exception, of course, is if they insist. Also, I don't order alcohol when someone else is paying (because it is so expensive)

When you leave, try to leave the room neat, and the same as when you came. Although it is not expected, it is always considerate to offer to help wash the dishes after a meal, or help set the table. Basically if your host or hostess is "busy" cleaning or cooking... ask "what can i do to help?" They may say "no, you can just go relax..." but they WILL remember how polite you were!

Thank you gifts are not a "requirement" in our country (at least not around where I live) - however... modest gifts are always appreciated. I wouldn't do the massage (I would LOVE a massage, but I don't think I am the norm) - Instead, a great idea might be some baked goods... or a neat houseware (maybe a nice candle for her, and a mug for him--- )

If they are inviting you to come visit them, it is perfectly polite to ask about their family. Keep topics "light" and positive, about the weather, hobbies, travel etc, until you develop a closer friendship with them. Don't talk about money, politics, or religion. Steer clear of those and I am sure you will be fine!

Also, when in doubt about what is "polite", just ask! I have had plenty of foreign friends ask me, "Is this polite" "Am I rude if I say that".... Never once have I been offended... these are friends after all!

-M.

How long you stay depends upon the hosts. Perhaps your husband should discuss the length of the visit when planning the actual trip/dates. ("How many days/nights were you thinking?")
Often, when groups go out to eat in a restaurant, each family provides for their own costs...but that is not a rule by any means. It depends upon many things. If you have been invited to come stay with them, and they say "We'd like to take you out to dinner" then they plan to pay for the meal. If there is a large difference in income between the parties, hopefully the more financially able family will offer to pay. You can always ask before you leave for the dinner. Sometimes the guests will offer to take the hosts out for a meal, to repay the hospitality of hosting them. It just depends.

As far as a gift for the host family, you are correct that offering a massage might be a bit too close to "personal space" issues for some. A bottle of wine would be fine. Or if they are open/interested in your culture, perhaps a handmade cookbook with some Indonesian recipes with some of your favorites. If you have something from your home country that you think they would enjoy, then it would be fine to give that as a gift. It doesn't need to be anything extravagant. Just a token, really.
You are not expected to work while you are a guest there, but, at least in the south, you shouldn't expect to be waited on hand and foot, either. The polite thing would be to OFFER to help, and follow their lead. If the wife is preparing dinner, you could ask if she would like help in the kitchen and ask what she would like for you to do. She may say "nothing. Just enjoy yourself" in which case that is fine to do. But it would be polite to keep company with her and have conversation while she works. It is never offensive to OFFER to help with whatever is going on in the house as far as preparing meals or cleaning up after.

It is not impolite to ask about the children, how they like school, etc. One of the most obvious things I can think of at the moment that is inappropriate to discuss is finances. Americans do NOT like to discuss what they earn, generally. And it would be rude to ask "How much $ do you make?"

As far as daily stuff. Ask what time they normally rise in the mornings, and plan to wake at about the same time. Same thing for bedtime. If they stay up late at night, it would be okay to go to bed earlier, but it would not be the best manners to stay up considerably later than they do. Often, at least one member of the host family will stay up until you go to bed--in case you need something.

Basically, since you are obviously new to American culture, and really, even if you weren't, if you are unsure about ANYTHING, you can just ask. It is almost always better to ask if ____is appropriate or not, if you aren't sure. If it is not acceptible, they will say so. If it is ok, they will say so. And likely, they will be charmed that you ASKED them if it was appropriate.
:)
Enjoy your visit.

Lots of questions that could be confusing. Problem is your going to get a variety of answers that could confuse you even more!

I will do the best I can. Usually when people invite me somewhere out of town and especially out of state, I would assume they are inviting me to stay with them. However, it is not rude to ask them whether or not you will be staying with them, just to clarify.

I don't expect people to bring me gifts when I invite them to stay.

Offer to help with the cooking/cleaning. Most likely they will tell you, "That's ok." meaning they want you to relax and be a guest. I do suggest trying to clean up whatever mess you make. As in, throwing away your own trash and not leaving clothes everywhere.

A lot of us have "bubble zones". I personally am one of them, but it varies widely from person to person.

The two topics you will hear most people stay away from are religion and politics. They are always the most touchy and should probably be avoided. I honestly wouldn't worry too much about what you say or do. Most people are pretty understanding and not too touchy about most things.

Hope that helps. :)

Added: When I stay somewhere and we go out to dinner, I pay for myself and my family.

I think you're doing great so far.

I think the easiest way to address all of these questions, especially the accommodations issue....is to flatout, honestly, ask the hosts. They know your situation & will understand your desire to better grasp their offer. It is amazing how much easier life is if we just ask honest questions!

When I stay with friends/family, I always offer to help with everything. I also take the iniative & do chores....but only if I know the family is agreeable. I usually take a gift basket of goodies for the host family - something uniquely from my part of the country. (for example, we live in midMO & have some wonderful independent wineries here.)

& as for your personal questions.....yes, asking if you're married is usually frowned upon. I have many young couples in my circle & they are adamant about not marrying! Tread lightly in this area!

Oh, & for bargain prices....check online for coupons.

I don't think its rude to ask about our kids.. I like hearing about others children and Im proud of mine and I share a lot of what they are doing. I find when Im by others with children our conversations tend to go that way. Its not about "uping" the others children though.

I would find out before going there if they are inviting you to their home or if they want you to get a hotel room. Only they can answer that question. I think 3 days is the right amount of time for going since this is the first time you will be at their house. Maybe arrive on a Friday and leave on Sunday.

I think it would be nice for you to bring a small souvenir to them as a thank you gift. For me its nice when company wants to help prep the meals but I don't expect it...same with the clean up after eating. Its always nice to ask if they would like help cooking/ cleaning up after words.They will let you know if they don't want the help. As for going out to eat I say offer to pay for your families meal... if they say they want to pay for it, let them. Then offer to leave the tip.

As for the massage.. I wouldn't mine one from some one, I will never turn down a good back rub :) But maybe after the second day or so after I get to know the person a little more. But I also know many people that wouldn't be comfortable with it, so maybe skip that one.

Never ask questions would be about people they dated before marrying ( unless they bring it up) and sex questions/ talk is never a good conversation.

Before you leave, make sure you leave your room ( if you are staying with them) just like it looked when you leave. I always clean the room to the way it looked when I arrived ( minus vacuuming, dusting) and I always make the bed.

Hope that helps.

I think you have to take into consideration the part of the country you are visiting. In the midwest we offer to help with what ever work needs to be done. If the dishes need done we offer to help. We tidy after ourselves as we go. A gift is not necessary. We do write a short thank you note once we return home though.

I think "oneandone" answered well. Instead of Greyhound you may want to
try Megabus. Much nicer but I am not sure where they go. Montana is a
beautiful place so I would jump at the chance. Was just there in Sept.

I don't have time to answer every question just this moment....

However, I think the Bus will be exhausting covering that amount of distance.

If your driving record is clean, and since summer is a high moving time in the States, I would recommend you sign up with a car service where you could be considered to drive someone else's car from AZ to MT. There would be a lot of Canadians wanting cars driven north around that time and Montana is an easy pick up point. You could take an ad out on Craigslist offering this service too. You would be more relaxed in a car, and see more as well.

Check out the bus schedule first. That's a long, long haul. I've done it several times both ways.

Bring them a bottle of wine, or some sort of baked goods. 3 days is fine. No don't offer to massage the woman, lol offering help for the cooking or cleaning would be appreciated but she will probably say no, cleaning up after yourself and your family would be cool. I don't see a problem with those kind of questions

You've gotten good advice about your questions, I just wanted to add a few suggestions on gifts to bring, and I do think bringing something is important. All of these suggestions I have received from guests and exchange students from other countries and it gives me great pride and brings back wonderful memories when I see them or use them. Have you found a shop that sells Indonesian items in your area? That might help you think of something. Also, you can keep the prices low, really it is the thought that counts.

A picture Book about your home country
A nice box of Spices from your country
A basket of special Teas and a bottle of honey
A box of Candy from your Country
A box of Cookies or a Cake from your Country
A Pretty Basket of Regional Cookies made by the guest (you)
A Cookbook
A pretty Figurine
Small Ceramic Sauce Bowls (I use these ever day)
A Larger Ceramic Bowl - Salad Size (from a different visitor)
A Pencil Holder Doll - Handmade in Romania - (sounds funny but is very neat and sits on my desk)
A Necklace or Earrings
Bottle of Wine (but I don't drink so this went to another family member)
A Regional Board Game or Card Game for their children
A toy Ball or Game to play with the kids outside
T-Shirts for each member of the family
Knitted Sweaters for each member of the family
A cooking utensil (I've gotten trivets, spoon rests, potholders and a strainer on a handle all of which I use regularly.)
Small pocket toys for the boys (A nice way to make everyone comfortable is to bring something for the children, it makes them want to get to know you and your family better.)

In addition you can offer to make dinner or dessert there or teach them how to cook something you love to make. (But be sure you can get everything you will need for ingredients).

If it will be too hard to carry the gift(s) on the bus or you can't find what you want where you are, you can order something on line and have it mailed to your hosts home and so it will be there when you arrive.

Also, bring stuff to entertain yourselves on the bus. The best is a laptop with DVD movies (remember to charge the battery at ever stop so it doesn't die in the middle of the movie), and books and a deck of cards, but what ever you can think of that will make the time go faster on the bus ride will really help make the ride more pleasant and fun.

I am so glad that you are brave enough to come to a different country with a different culture and adventurous enough to explore it and smart enough to say yes to opportunities. Welcome to America, we hope you have a wonderful adventure during your time here.

Updated

I'm sure you've had plenty of good answers so I will just add a few (hopefully it doesn't just add more for you to think about)

-I feel for you having to ride Greyhound with kids (Greyhound in general is not very fun). Travel as light as possible (with kids it may not be possible to travel light).
-As for cleaning- just pick up after yourself and your kids/husband, try not to leave stuff out when its not being used. Also, it is polite to offer help with dishes and cooking. Your host may say yes and would love your help (some people consider cooking and food a way of bonding) and other hosts may say no because they don't want you to have to work while staying at their house.
-No massages! Yes, you are right about the bubble. It may sound funny but Americans will only *pay* someone to touch them, they do not want anyone else touching them.
-You are also right about the appearances and not mentioning anything. If you want to compliment someone just say something general like "you look fabulous!" DO NOT say something like -"You look pretty today because you did your hair " (The woman will take it as an insult because it sounds like she doesn't look good any other day because she didn't do her hair any of the other days)

Please have sooooo much fun on your trip. Montana will be BEAUTIFUL!! I am so jealous! I have never been but maybe in the future I will get a chance. Enjoy and have a blast!